I needed to recite this quote many times this week. It's been a rough week for me and my journey. My oncologist decided to double my monthly treatment and shorten the length in between from every 30 days to every 21 days. Before going to my treatment last week, I convinced Mark to stop at Oakmont Bakery (best bakery in Eastern Pennsylvania for all those not formaliar) and to purchase some tasty treats for all the nurses. I believe I was subconciously thinking that maybe if I bribe them then they will go easy on the treatments, like they have any control of that anyways. But I told myself out loud it was because they are so kind to me and they deserve to know I appreciate them. What ever my intentions where it did not work. However, I was not prepared for how horrible I would be feeling. I am on the upswing now and ready to look at the view soon. Although my blood work is still not as high the doctors would like it to be. So sorry for the delay in posts.
This quote was sent to me by a wife of a fellow carcinoid patient. Through my blog I have met and corresponded with several carcinoid patient or their loved ones. I have learned that each and every patient is suffering from the same cancer and struggling with the fact that it is incurable and eventually will end their life. Although, we have this cancer in common each story is unique. Some have been misdiagnosed at first, some are at early stages, some are at the end, some are struggling with the emotional hardship, some are struggling with the financial hardship, some have families, others are single, some have amazing doctors, others are frustrated with the little knowledge that is out there about this cancer, whatever the situation is each one is climbing probably the steepest mountain they will ever climb. The question that I know is being asked by each of us is, "Where is the finish line with the great view?".
I, like many others suffering from a termenal illness, need to know what is the definition of a finish line. Is it getting through a treatment? Is it finding a miracle pill to help you with the side effects of this cancer? Is it being able to just have a good day without having the disease take over? Is it finding a cure? Or is it death? I like to believe it's all the aboved mentioned. There are times when I see the beauty of the view when I am on the recovery from treatment. The feeling is amazing when you realized you made it through those weeks of misery. There are moments when I reach for a pill or a heated pad just to get some relief and then later realize it worked. There are days that I lay my head down at night and thank God for having a day that cancer does not rule it. Those days are more beautiful then any view I have seen or could ever imagine. Of course finding a cure would be one of the most amazing finish lines to my journey. And if it is death, then my faith has led me to believe that the view from that finish line is beyond anything I could concieve.
What I am trying to express is that going through termanal cancer you will experience many finish lines with amazing views if you define them as you like. Sure death is always in the back of your mind. In fact every minute of every day we are fighting to avoid it. So how can the mind not go to that thought when we talk about finish lines? But it is not the only glorious view if you alow yourself to see the other accomplishments while battling to avoid the final finish line.
So I said the "death" word. The word that no one dares to say to someone in my situation. I will address that word in a later post, but for now I will assure you that I will do all I can to stay away from that finish line. However, when that time is here I am not afraid.
"The steeper the mountain, the harder the harder the climb, the better the view from the finishing line".