Sun..I Love You....We Love You....today was a hard day....we always enjoyed trying to make you feel special every Mothers Day....the way you made us feel special everyday....we struggle and yet we go on....conquering another "first" on this journey....there was no one to get up early and make breakfast for to serve in bed....no flowers gifts or cards to pass on....so everyone slept in....sometimes not being awake is better than having to get up and face the missing piece....it's easier if the day is shorter that way....
I was proud of our boys as we went into the old neighborhood to try to visit with their Grandmas....my mother was out and about but we got to visit with your mom...and give her some photos from last years Mother Day shoot....and to see Judy who had also dropped in....and to have Mineo's of course....the boys were hurting as they left the house but I could tell it made them feel good to have somewhere ...anywhere but here to go today.....I have been saying that a house isn't always a home....and most of the last couple of days has definitely been that...after Ace had practice we ran over to Rita's for Ice....just like we always did..the boys wanted to go....God bless them....
I am at a loss as to the best way to comfort them....I have been trying to find comfort as well....it's been emotionally draining....financially still tough....and the effects of it all can be physically impacting....it really is true when you are able to be positive it has a physical effect and the converse is true too....it can have a real toll on appetite....energy....I have seen it with boys and I am living it....
I want you to know how special you were....I just read a scripture in Psalms 127:3..."Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him." You always understood that...if everyday was a gift...a Present to be opened....then you knew that your boys were the reward for that day....you were not going to ever not claim the reward and would go that extra mile....often not just for them but for all the kids you came across....you had three boys that shared our Carney name....but so many "rewards".... were touched by your love....thanks honey for just as I prayed in the car before we left today.....thanks for teaching us not so much how to live....but how to love....
Keep us in your thoughts and watch over us and make sure He doesn't quit on us....because things are a struggle lately and this is a tough week ahead.....I have been praying for guidance and answers but I must be on the wrong channel or praying for the wrong reason?.....anyways we could use a little miracle or two if you could put word in....
We love you and hurt so much but we will keep on trying....we joke all the time that Sunny wouldn't go for that....and so rest assured you will never be replaced or forgotten....
WE LOVE U....WE MISS U...HAPPY MOTHERS DAY....
Austen , Logan, Nolan, and Me.......
SUNNY CARNEY After a courageous 10 year fight battling Carcinoid Cancer, Sunny Carney, of Plum, passed peacefully on Saturday, November 3. She was married to her devoted husband, Mark; and was a loving mother to Austen, Logan and Nolan; daughter of Patricia Jennings and the late James J. Jennings; daughter-in-law of Dale and Dottie Carney; sister of Judy Phillips (Ray Jr.), Lynn Pesta (Teddy), Michael Jennings (Vicki Lynn), James Jennings (Sue), Joseph Jennings (Elizabeth), Sheila Fortes (Jim); sister-in-law of Craig Carney (Julia). She is also survived by numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, and nephews, and was a true friend and inspiration to many.
In addition to being an inspiration to family and friends Sunny inspired carcinoid cancer patients across the globe through her blog, and then her book "The Sunny Side of Cancer. She spoke at numerous cancer events locally sharing stories of her journey which led her from Basel, Switzerland to all of the top Carcinoid Cancer specialists here in the states. She was an advocate for better diagnosis of the disease and for insurance coverage of treatments. She fought with grace and dignity, never letting the pain inside challenge her faith or diminish her love for life.
Memorials may be made to "Carney Family Fund", c/o S&T Bank, 2190 Hulton Road, Verona, PA 15147.
Friends received Monday 7-9 p.m. and Tuesday 3-8 p.m. at Unity Community Church, 215 Unity Center Road, Plum, PA 15239.
Funeral Services will be held on Wednesday at 11 a.m. in Unity Community Church with Rev. Frank Deluce officiating. Arrangements entrusted to CHARLES W. TRENZ FUNERAL HOME, INC.
VIEW GUEST BOOK Published in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Sunny's husband Mark tells their story...
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
A Hard Week Two Years Running
SUN I LOVE YOU....I have been struggling lately to keep everything normal around here....but it's been a hard go of it....as we near six months to the day it has seemingly got more difficult where for awhile it seemed to be improving....don't have a clue as to why because each morning starts a new uncharted journey on this new reality of ours....I know that our love kept us strong and was the glue that covered a lot of cracks....Emotional Elmer's....not having you next to me....not having you to share life's special moments with everyday....not having you be able to share a ride with your oldest now licensed little guy....not having you to just hug and hold....wow....love hurts....
I recall that as May rolled around a year ago we had to sit down yet again with our boys because of the scan results....it was a bummer of a week but we prayed....made plans to go to Nashville to see another specialist....switched meds and tried to get you to put on weight....you were fighting hard but the tumors were growing in new areas and rapidly growing in the old trouble spots....the weight loss was tough on you and it hurt all of us to see you like that....we were not filled with pity....but rather with anger at times(as in damn why can't she get a break)...to admiration(as in boy how can we complain when she keeps going forward....refusing to give up)....the nights began to grow long as you really started to have sleepless painful night after night....laying next to you rubbing your forehead , heating the hot pads, and especially praying and talking with you was and will always be a very very dear period to me....the connection of our hearts...we were all in....we were literally living the blessed life of taking it one day at a time....able to thank God for little things and pray for the big things....
I still struggle because all in all we had a good life....a blessed life..three great boys...a home...friends....family...neighbors....fundraisers....hope....faith...and yet....it is gone....or at least so much of it seems to be gone....I hear your voice still....your laugh....looking at pictures abounding in the house I fix on your smile and those eyes.....and the happy times....and I cringe as I vividly recall the trips to the beach ....to Disney....the holidays....the garden...mothers day....you hugging your little trick or treaters in costumes you made...the bride in the dress you designed for our day....ugh....there will be no more holidays...no more Pandora charms from your boys....no more costumes....no more Disney....heck even Kennywood may be too hard this year....
This is not to be negative....it just is what it is....it's part of the process....I can't keep this in check all the time or I will actually go crazy....you were my confidant....my best friend....my inspiring Irish princess ...tumors, swollen feet, too skinny, better half....we had a heck of a ride....and I would never go back and ask to have a different trip....or travel partner....but I so wish our journey was still a present one not a bunch of memories....oh how I wish that....
I LOVE U BABE ....we all do.....
ME
I recall that as May rolled around a year ago we had to sit down yet again with our boys because of the scan results....it was a bummer of a week but we prayed....made plans to go to Nashville to see another specialist....switched meds and tried to get you to put on weight....you were fighting hard but the tumors were growing in new areas and rapidly growing in the old trouble spots....the weight loss was tough on you and it hurt all of us to see you like that....we were not filled with pity....but rather with anger at times(as in damn why can't she get a break)...to admiration(as in boy how can we complain when she keeps going forward....refusing to give up)....the nights began to grow long as you really started to have sleepless painful night after night....laying next to you rubbing your forehead , heating the hot pads, and especially praying and talking with you was and will always be a very very dear period to me....the connection of our hearts...we were all in....we were literally living the blessed life of taking it one day at a time....able to thank God for little things and pray for the big things....
I still struggle because all in all we had a good life....a blessed life..three great boys...a home...friends....family...neighbors....fundraisers....hope....faith...and yet....it is gone....or at least so much of it seems to be gone....I hear your voice still....your laugh....looking at pictures abounding in the house I fix on your smile and those eyes.....and the happy times....and I cringe as I vividly recall the trips to the beach ....to Disney....the holidays....the garden...mothers day....you hugging your little trick or treaters in costumes you made...the bride in the dress you designed for our day....ugh....there will be no more holidays...no more Pandora charms from your boys....no more costumes....no more Disney....heck even Kennywood may be too hard this year....
This is not to be negative....it just is what it is....it's part of the process....I can't keep this in check all the time or I will actually go crazy....you were my confidant....my best friend....my inspiring Irish princess ...tumors, swollen feet, too skinny, better half....we had a heck of a ride....and I would never go back and ask to have a different trip....or travel partner....but I so wish our journey was still a present one not a bunch of memories....oh how I wish that....
I LOVE U BABE ....we all do.....
ME
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
And Time Keeps Going By....Bye Bye....
Always you....always....I can't help the yearning I have in my heart to just reach over and rub your forehead....to squeeze your hand....to feel the softness of your lips....it is not even a hurt now...just a longing and a slow stark realization that it can't nor won't happen...some movie once had a cornball and oft used line "you complete me"....I now update that...I never recognized how whole I was with you until I live incomplete....and I am not alone....many are made just pieces in this puzzle we call life....the corners or the borders ripped and tossed aside....the idyllic image on the box cover left rendered a futile reminder of what should have been...or should be....
I LOVE U SUNNY....
I MISS OUR LIFE....CANCER AND ALL
my puzzle had its pieces spilled across the heavens....the master builder took His angel and my cornerstone....
Now I can get back to what I wanted to talk to you about tonight...it has been a real tough couple days....I stress about the boys....I worry about finances bigtime as bills mount and deals slowly move along...I roll that "we will make it d$ce" as I pray....not for blessings for us...but for peace and guidance...for that comfort that we had even in the midst of the diagnoses and the surprises along the cancer journey....we gave it all up ...and we had peace...I am really trying to keep that approach...but you know when it says two or three gathered together....well without you my two is one...but I can't focus our time tonight on money issues...or stress...this is a time I just wanted to share how much I really miss having you around....its finally spring...its now nearing Mother's Day...damn...I thought at first....I wish I could cancel or skip ahead....but then I keep passing the pictures we took last Mom's Day...actually the day before...we surprised you...and damn....I wouldn't trade the memory of how touched you were....how you felt like a queen....how your boys shone in their patience....(ant bites and all)...how Laura got all of the images just in case memories waned...(like that could ever happen now)....and how now that I have no idea what to tell our boys...your babies on Mothers Day this year...every commercial on TV during a game advertising this Pandora sale or flowers or whatever...we all look away...but I will remind them how special they made you feel on the last Mom's Day you celebrated down here...and that they should always cherish that....because you took that to the heavens...
Spring....Flowers blooming...grass cut...bees...stink bugs...you bothered with none of the annoyances and relished all of the gifts of life being reborn anew....each bud...each stupid dandelion...we planted our last batch of tomatoes and peppers with your mom's help about this time last year....and that last garden kicked ass....now in a ironic symbolic marker....its just brown vines...twisted wire meshing...collapsing brick wall beneath....
You would be so pissed....haha..
This was about the time of year that you would ask each of your boys want they wanted to do for their "special day"....and boy how they looked forward to just hanging out with mom...one on one...playing hooky...no take that back....because hooky implies they were skipping out on learning....no classroom in this world could have taught them more about life and love on those "special" days than you did....in fact no matter how shitty you felt and how hard you tried to hide it...we...well they got it...they knew that their mom was giving up herself to make them feel like the most precious kid in the world...
Which takes me to two closing points....one is a reminder I got tonight just before I started our conversation from Phillipians 2 and just slapped me back into how you lived everyday...and how I...nay...all of us should live everyday....
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others."
So as I get frustrated yet again by the dumbass computer with its Windows Updates that just derailed me and got me on the laptop...(see...much calmer than normal)...I want you to put a word in for Carol and the other MS fighters...for Lori Nixon and her family and her treatments...for Susan Watson and her family who I haven't connected with forever as they move on....for your mother...for Justin and Holly's baby...for the families in Boston grieving....and for those healing and dealing with nightmares....for Viola...don't know why but just felt led to put her on list...for Hilton Head Lori and her family...for Kylee and family...for the Gleason family...for Lisa....and of course for our boys....this house...and me...but put us last....thats the right way..
I LOVE U ALWAYS.....
I MISS U TREMENDOUSLY....
I HAD THE BEST WOMAN EVER...
ME.....
I LOVE U SUNNY....
I MISS OUR LIFE....CANCER AND ALL
my puzzle had its pieces spilled across the heavens....the master builder took His angel and my cornerstone....
Now I can get back to what I wanted to talk to you about tonight...it has been a real tough couple days....I stress about the boys....I worry about finances bigtime as bills mount and deals slowly move along...I roll that "we will make it d$ce" as I pray....not for blessings for us...but for peace and guidance...for that comfort that we had even in the midst of the diagnoses and the surprises along the cancer journey....we gave it all up ...and we had peace...I am really trying to keep that approach...but you know when it says two or three gathered together....well without you my two is one...but I can't focus our time tonight on money issues...or stress...this is a time I just wanted to share how much I really miss having you around....its finally spring...its now nearing Mother's Day...damn...I thought at first....I wish I could cancel or skip ahead....but then I keep passing the pictures we took last Mom's Day...actually the day before...we surprised you...and damn....I wouldn't trade the memory of how touched you were....how you felt like a queen....how your boys shone in their patience....(ant bites and all)...how Laura got all of the images just in case memories waned...(like that could ever happen now)....and how now that I have no idea what to tell our boys...your babies on Mothers Day this year...every commercial on TV during a game advertising this Pandora sale or flowers or whatever...we all look away...but I will remind them how special they made you feel on the last Mom's Day you celebrated down here...and that they should always cherish that....because you took that to the heavens...
Spring....Flowers blooming...grass cut...bees...stink bugs...you bothered with none of the annoyances and relished all of the gifts of life being reborn anew....each bud...each stupid dandelion...we planted our last batch of tomatoes and peppers with your mom's help about this time last year....and that last garden kicked ass....now in a ironic symbolic marker....its just brown vines...twisted wire meshing...collapsing brick wall beneath....
You would be so pissed....haha..
This was about the time of year that you would ask each of your boys want they wanted to do for their "special day"....and boy how they looked forward to just hanging out with mom...one on one...playing hooky...no take that back....because hooky implies they were skipping out on learning....no classroom in this world could have taught them more about life and love on those "special" days than you did....in fact no matter how shitty you felt and how hard you tried to hide it...we...well they got it...they knew that their mom was giving up herself to make them feel like the most precious kid in the world...
Which takes me to two closing points....one is a reminder I got tonight just before I started our conversation from Phillipians 2 and just slapped me back into how you lived everyday...and how I...nay...all of us should live everyday....
"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others."
So as I get frustrated yet again by the dumbass computer with its Windows Updates that just derailed me and got me on the laptop...(see...much calmer than normal)...I want you to put a word in for Carol and the other MS fighters...for Lori Nixon and her family and her treatments...for Susan Watson and her family who I haven't connected with forever as they move on....for your mother...for Justin and Holly's baby...for the families in Boston grieving....and for those healing and dealing with nightmares....for Viola...don't know why but just felt led to put her on list...for Hilton Head Lori and her family...for Kylee and family...for the Gleason family...for Lisa....and of course for our boys....this house...and me...but put us last....thats the right way..
I LOVE U ALWAYS.....
I MISS U TREMENDOUSLY....
I HAD THE BEST WOMAN EVER...
ME.....
Monday, April 15, 2013
Terror and Prayer
SUNSHINE I LOVE U....I can't even think about starting our talk tonight without leading off with that...I don't know what you see in heaven or not....on one hand I truly believe you are with us in a way...somehow protecting or rooting for us...yet if so...then I guess you might feel our discomfort...our hurt when something like today happens in Boston....and doesn't that go against what heaven is not to be....no pain...no suffering...I don't know ....I will have to wait to find out the answer...
I am drawn to the memory of 9/11....but in particular how young are kids were back then and how they really had no concept back then of what was happening...and kids our boys age then are now some of the victims...losing life and limbs...losing family and friends...I know what I feel and how I cry when I think of the innocence lost to our boys by your passing....and just like Sandy Hook...I get choked up now when I see images of little ones getting rushed away in a wheelchair...or of the father cradling his infant like one of those baby carriers we never got as he rushes away from the scene....
Those that attacked Boston today....whoever they were...took advantage of what makes this country so great.....one of our strengths...and used it against us...hoping to maim and kill...but also to strike fear in our daily life from here on out....sure we celebrate the opportunity to gather....as friends... family... co-workers....strangers...fundraisers...to cheer each other on....to continue old traditions...to make memories...to renew relationships...to establish new ones....a beautiful day...just like that Tuesday on Sept 11 almost twelve years ago...so they think we are vulnerable...we are weak...we are exposed...that their attack will radically change how we think or live...striking fear and paralyzing us to the point where they eventually win....
They won't win...they can't win...because what these cowards whoever they are don't...no can't understand is that we are not defined by an event....we are not defined by a evil yet futilely pathetic attempt to make us see the world the way they want us to see the world...or to get their message...we are not defined by murderous attempts to spread a certain religion or again a "message"....we already got it....whoever you are...."you hate us...."....good for you....you cowardly bastards...we get it...and we say....so frickin what....
You only hate in life what you are not.....what you can't have...what you can never be....and that is what defines us....we are a spirit....the American Spirit...you can't grasp it...you can't have it....you can't kill it....and yes....whoever you are you little pricks will continue to try....and you will succeed at some point again...because we are an open society that will not live in fear...look at how NYC has bounced back...how that site in Lower Manhattan ...like an American Phoenix rises again....God...how you must hate that whoever you are....but that is who we are...that is what defines us.....not what you pathetic little lost people try to do....but in the heroic God-given greatness response that we have to your evil....
So I tell the boys tonight....we need to pray for Boston...pray for those families and the victims...pray for the American Spirit....but do not go through life afraid...but be damn secure in where your ultimate journey will take you....reuniting with you...their mom....and live accordingly....not in fear...but in faith....
And recognize that the news today was terrible...but the American Spirit still shone brightly amidst the chaos....and that is what the little bastards can't grasp...whoever they are...so we pray....not to a dude....but to the Almighty...and we go back to living...changes will occur....but what makes us unique will live on...it has to ....because He does....
That's it...all I got....
GOD BLESS AMERICA...
I LOVE U ALWAYS SUNSHINE
ME
I am drawn to the memory of 9/11....but in particular how young are kids were back then and how they really had no concept back then of what was happening...and kids our boys age then are now some of the victims...losing life and limbs...losing family and friends...I know what I feel and how I cry when I think of the innocence lost to our boys by your passing....and just like Sandy Hook...I get choked up now when I see images of little ones getting rushed away in a wheelchair...or of the father cradling his infant like one of those baby carriers we never got as he rushes away from the scene....
Those that attacked Boston today....whoever they were...took advantage of what makes this country so great.....one of our strengths...and used it against us...hoping to maim and kill...but also to strike fear in our daily life from here on out....sure we celebrate the opportunity to gather....as friends... family... co-workers....strangers...fundraisers...to cheer each other on....to continue old traditions...to make memories...to renew relationships...to establish new ones....a beautiful day...just like that Tuesday on Sept 11 almost twelve years ago...so they think we are vulnerable...we are weak...we are exposed...that their attack will radically change how we think or live...striking fear and paralyzing us to the point where they eventually win....
They won't win...they can't win...because what these cowards whoever they are don't...no can't understand is that we are not defined by an event....we are not defined by a evil yet futilely pathetic attempt to make us see the world the way they want us to see the world...or to get their message...we are not defined by murderous attempts to spread a certain religion or again a "message"....we already got it....whoever you are...."you hate us...."....good for you....you cowardly bastards...we get it...and we say....so frickin what....
You only hate in life what you are not.....what you can't have...what you can never be....and that is what defines us....we are a spirit....the American Spirit...you can't grasp it...you can't have it....you can't kill it....and yes....whoever you are you little pricks will continue to try....and you will succeed at some point again...because we are an open society that will not live in fear...look at how NYC has bounced back...how that site in Lower Manhattan ...like an American Phoenix rises again....God...how you must hate that whoever you are....but that is who we are...that is what defines us.....not what you pathetic little lost people try to do....but in the heroic God-given greatness response that we have to your evil....
So I tell the boys tonight....we need to pray for Boston...pray for those families and the victims...pray for the American Spirit....but do not go through life afraid...but be damn secure in where your ultimate journey will take you....reuniting with you...their mom....and live accordingly....not in fear...but in faith....
And recognize that the news today was terrible...but the American Spirit still shone brightly amidst the chaos....and that is what the little bastards can't grasp...whoever they are...so we pray....not to a dude....but to the Almighty...and we go back to living...changes will occur....but what makes us unique will live on...it has to ....because He does....
That's it...all I got....
GOD BLESS AMERICA...
I LOVE U ALWAYS SUNSHINE
ME
Friday, April 12, 2013
Promises Kept
Sunshine I hope you know...I LOVE U...there...and I promised you last night that we were back....no more hiding behind internet down or boohoo I can't finish...(no pun intended....)....tomorrow your baby takes his drivers test...damn I wish you were here for that...its a huge milestone in a man's life...and Austen is a man now....hate to admit it but your little red haired baby...my "golden child" is growing up so fast...I cry now...not of sorrow...but because you snuck him out to the parking lot and took him driving and he is going to take his test in the SUV he picked out for you back in 2004....
Christmas week...minivan going to the trade in heap of life...you in hospital with Lung surgery...the first one...I had picked out two Durango Hemi's from Leiberth(yea another victim of our Obama Socialism Rocks...)..one candy apple red...one snow white......Austen and I went down...and he said..."Get the red one dad"....so got it...had them wrap it up ....brought you home Dec 24th....Christmas morning....snowing...real snow...not the sporadic lets pretend its snow to make Christmas feel good...real snow...you were sleeping....I paid the salesman $100 to drive it up that morning....with a red bow...and he backed it up right to the front door...we lifted the hatch...flipped that DVD player down...put the rest of your presents in the back beneath the hatch....put in Kevin Costner's Robin Hood and set the remote to program to play the theme song..."Everything I Do I Do It For You...Bryan Adams...our wedding song...every last romantic bone and nerve in my body ready to say....Sun...welcome home..merry Xmas...the snow was God...Eight...we call you down...we open the front door....the hatch is up...candy red...snowy white...a holiday candy cane...Marc Burnett couldn't have scripted it better....you come down...the presents stacked in the hatch backed up five feet from the front door...the flip screen down...you say...and I push play..."everything I do ...I do it for you..."....you start balling..."that's our song"..."I know"...."how did you"..."merry Xmas baby"....
I joked that every romantic urge in my inner core was spent for that...but truth be told...you taught me that its never too much to show how special the love of your of life is....later when I would go to Giant Eagle in Waterworks and create the six dozen $40 arrangements twice a month unannounced and unexpected your friends and family would be like..."Mark...have you lost your mind..." "the Vases don't even hold them...."...so frickin what...I remember to this day when you were president of PTA and had the planning meeting for spring carnival after your surgery...I brought that bunch of flowers into PIVIK without a warning and came in to the auditorium and said..."Hey....where's the President.."....your friends cried and you turned red....advice to all young men....treat your loved one to flowers at her office or place of importance...but don't tell her ahead of time...its so worth the reaction not just from her...but from her friends...she will feel like a Queen...as she should...
I LOVE U SUNNY.....so anyways....this began because tomorrow our little red head takes his drivers test...damn....I cry...I remember back to the day he was born...It changed my life...I stop now...I am choked up...Please tell every Angel up there and the Big Guy to pray for him....
I ADORE AND LOVE U ALWAYS SUN....
ME
Christmas week...minivan going to the trade in heap of life...you in hospital with Lung surgery...the first one...I had picked out two Durango Hemi's from Leiberth(yea another victim of our Obama Socialism Rocks...)..one candy apple red...one snow white......Austen and I went down...and he said..."Get the red one dad"....so got it...had them wrap it up ....brought you home Dec 24th....Christmas morning....snowing...real snow...not the sporadic lets pretend its snow to make Christmas feel good...real snow...you were sleeping....I paid the salesman $100 to drive it up that morning....with a red bow...and he backed it up right to the front door...we lifted the hatch...flipped that DVD player down...put the rest of your presents in the back beneath the hatch....put in Kevin Costner's Robin Hood and set the remote to program to play the theme song..."Everything I Do I Do It For You...Bryan Adams...our wedding song...every last romantic bone and nerve in my body ready to say....Sun...welcome home..merry Xmas...the snow was God...Eight...we call you down...we open the front door....the hatch is up...candy red...snowy white...a holiday candy cane...Marc Burnett couldn't have scripted it better....you come down...the presents stacked in the hatch backed up five feet from the front door...the flip screen down...you say...and I push play..."everything I do ...I do it for you..."....you start balling..."that's our song"..."I know"...."how did you"..."merry Xmas baby"....
I joked that every romantic urge in my inner core was spent for that...but truth be told...you taught me that its never too much to show how special the love of your of life is....later when I would go to Giant Eagle in Waterworks and create the six dozen $40 arrangements twice a month unannounced and unexpected your friends and family would be like..."Mark...have you lost your mind..." "the Vases don't even hold them...."...so frickin what...I remember to this day when you were president of PTA and had the planning meeting for spring carnival after your surgery...I brought that bunch of flowers into PIVIK without a warning and came in to the auditorium and said..."Hey....where's the President.."....your friends cried and you turned red....advice to all young men....treat your loved one to flowers at her office or place of importance...but don't tell her ahead of time...its so worth the reaction not just from her...but from her friends...she will feel like a Queen...as she should...
I LOVE U SUNNY.....so anyways....this began because tomorrow our little red head takes his drivers test...damn....I cry...I remember back to the day he was born...It changed my life...I stop now...I am choked up...Please tell every Angel up there and the Big Guy to pray for him....
I ADORE AND LOVE U ALWAYS SUN....
ME
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Spring Storm....
Sunshine I LOVE U....it's been a real struggle as you know to share our talks..emotionally technically and well....it's been one unshared saved talk after another....someday I guess...the month of March was so long....it truly was madness....the dreary days....snow...cold temps...but you know I couldn't help but think everyday what would you have done today....was it too cold ..or too windy to go to Hillman....or would you have just said screw it...let's go...I play the "how would Sunny have been today with this weather"....is it goofy....don't know and don't care....it helps me get by....because as you know we had to plan accordingly based on forecasts...then we learned that forecasts are like assumptions.....you used to make fun when I would watch Weather Channel and then double check local forecast and yes...sometimes even stress about how you were going to be...and you never quite got why I always wanted to know the radar and up to minute barometric info....I was tired of surprises....some crazy notion that I could eliminate or arrange schedules so you wouldn't suffer...dumbass...more often than not you were right with your bones hurting than the AccuNotweather radar ever was....but I had to do something....
It's ironic in a way that the last thing we watched on the TV together at the end was coverage of Sandy....a storm that wreaked havoc for millions and yet you got peace....the wind and the cold and the humidity would never bother you again....Amen...no more bones aching so bad you would squeeze my arm and stifle screams....no more trying to catch your breath because of humidity and one lung....how could my aerobic trainer be.....well I stop that thought....no more help needed to get off the couch or out of bed or stepstool to get in the Denali or help to use the bathroom because of the swelling in the feet ankles and calves....no Mas....Nada....Nein...Nyet....whatever....you got peace....
So today as the storms blew through I was struck by a comment Nolan made a couple of times....this is the first big storm in a long time....spring is here....and he was right....this is the beginning of spring....your flowers blooming....the rhododendrons will soon be out in purple white and pink majestic heavenly glory and I will think of you....insert tears here....you loved this time...babies wrapping up school....special day pending with each....new sports season beginning....pictures....Easter.....Mothers Day....ok...now I stop....
Shouldn't have gone there....mothers day....wow....don't want to think about that.....you are in our hearts thoughts and memories everyday.....we miss you....but like the storm tonight....after the thunder....after the bolts....after the downpour....life grows....and slowly we are taking baby steps to grow after you....and speaking for myself .....sometimes growth is two steps forward and then almost two steps back...don't care.....
I will do this again tomorrow I promise....
I LOVE YOU BABY
ME
It's ironic in a way that the last thing we watched on the TV together at the end was coverage of Sandy....a storm that wreaked havoc for millions and yet you got peace....the wind and the cold and the humidity would never bother you again....Amen...no more bones aching so bad you would squeeze my arm and stifle screams....no more trying to catch your breath because of humidity and one lung....how could my aerobic trainer be.....well I stop that thought....no more help needed to get off the couch or out of bed or stepstool to get in the Denali or help to use the bathroom because of the swelling in the feet ankles and calves....no Mas....Nada....Nein...Nyet....whatever....you got peace....
So today as the storms blew through I was struck by a comment Nolan made a couple of times....this is the first big storm in a long time....spring is here....and he was right....this is the beginning of spring....your flowers blooming....the rhododendrons will soon be out in purple white and pink majestic heavenly glory and I will think of you....insert tears here....you loved this time...babies wrapping up school....special day pending with each....new sports season beginning....pictures....Easter.....Mothers Day....ok...now I stop....
Shouldn't have gone there....mothers day....wow....don't want to think about that.....you are in our hearts thoughts and memories everyday.....we miss you....but like the storm tonight....after the thunder....after the bolts....after the downpour....life grows....and slowly we are taking baby steps to grow after you....and speaking for myself .....sometimes growth is two steps forward and then almost two steps back...don't care.....
I will do this again tomorrow I promise....
I LOVE YOU BABY
ME
Monday, March 4, 2013
The Hour Glass That Is Our Life....
Sunshine....I LOVE U.....I haven't said it here in a week...exactly....took some time off...not that you and I stopped talking...stopped sharing tears...stopped praying for our kids...our families...our friends...those that we just had to pray for..not that you have been far from our memory....oh baby I miss you so much sometimes that my heart feels like a ten pound dumbbell inside my chest...(I know....good cardio workout...or is it a heart attack waiting to happen....oh well...only He knows...ask Him for me)....anyways its been a week...haven't had much communication with outside world...on purpose I think...just haven't been in mood to Facebook or even the desire to have these conversations...honestly I think that waiting and recharging emotional batteries once in awhile helps keep this fresh....it was feeling stale...it was feeling like you and I could have these talks and it wouldn't matter if it was in this forum or not...I don't know...I am not sure how much longer I will or can keep this going...its hard and it seems that the more we have these talks the less interest people have in joining in...so at some point may just pack it in and stick to our private talks....less attention that way...
But tonight I wanted to talk to you about TIME...and now because I have Pandora set to Stevie Ray Pride and Joy of course comes on at this moment in time and I am going to stop...because this song is for you....
OK..had a good cry and back with you toots...TIME....it was something you and I talked about often...it was what drove you to get up everyday and open up that gift from above...the PRESENT...the present is simply time in the now...not the past time...or the next time...but the now time...and thats all that mattered..all that you had control of was your now...and you suffered little for people who frittered away their now....people who flushed that precious gift right down the drain of life...instead of spending it wisely and utilizing each granule of sand in that hour glass we are each given you had no tolerance for those that chose to take that sand and deposit it in the Mr. John of their world....
We are each akin to an hourglass....we have no control over when we are born or when we say goodbye...the top and bottom of those hourglasses are thus set...but each of us has control over whats in between...the sand...you somehow managed to morph your sand into concrete and left footprints all over and wherever you went...
It became especially acute when we were given the speech about months last fall..we thought we had to after the first of the year...but deep down I think we both thought that your time was not spent...that the sand was still flowing...but you also realized that you had no control over it and so you became even more urgent in how you spent each day....from writing letters and cards to your boys to be opened years ahead...to reaching out to friends who needed a pick me up...to visiting with everyone at the Wiffleball tournament for hours when you probably should have been home in bed...to going to Amy's wedding and keeping your vow to have a last family vacation...together...Damn..I still can't get over it...sorry...be back in a minute...
TIME...I think back as I listen to Stevie Ray to 1992...the apartment on Beechwood...I am writing my final paper for Fiction class and you are studying for Accounting 501 or something...you hog the bed...I am on that ugly orange fold out thing you hated...stereo playing this same CD....birds outside....hot except for the fan on the floor...I would stop and try to persuade you why you should take a study/fool around break...this time I remember I won...oh well...I know we have to keep it PG so I stop there..but you remember..TIME...who would have guessed what the next 20 years would bring...who would have thought that if someone had said SUNNY you will be an angel in 20 years...you were tan...in great shape...we had the whole world ahead of us...TIME...don't ever ever ever assume that you have time to spend with your loved ones tomorrow...or next weekend...or next holiday...or next game..or next season...our hour glass has no GUARRANTY....or warranty for that matter...it can be fragile...ripped open sand spewing everywhere in a flash...don't ignore your loved ones...don't ever ever tell your kid not now..IF NOT NOW THAN WHEN....tomorrow??????bullshit...tomorrow is a pipe dream until its today...until its now...so instead of doing what I did too often...screw tomorrow...and invest in making a difference now...compound your sand...get interest...get the maximum return on today...on now...on the present from above...use it wisely...make a difference in someone's hour glass...its their sand too...don't waste their's .....its never coming back...the moment once missed is gone...we aren't DVR's...a memory is a terrible thing to waste on regrets...trust me....you know what I mean baby because you always pushed me in the right direction....and I got it...but I may have got it too late....
so please ....if you share this conversation...don't waste any more TIME....get off your ass and go do something for someone...with someone...make a memory not a regret....
I LOVE U ALWAYS....
I HURT....
ME
But tonight I wanted to talk to you about TIME...and now because I have Pandora set to Stevie Ray Pride and Joy of course comes on at this moment in time and I am going to stop...because this song is for you....
OK..had a good cry and back with you toots...TIME....it was something you and I talked about often...it was what drove you to get up everyday and open up that gift from above...the PRESENT...the present is simply time in the now...not the past time...or the next time...but the now time...and thats all that mattered..all that you had control of was your now...and you suffered little for people who frittered away their now....people who flushed that precious gift right down the drain of life...instead of spending it wisely and utilizing each granule of sand in that hour glass we are each given you had no tolerance for those that chose to take that sand and deposit it in the Mr. John of their world....
We are each akin to an hourglass....we have no control over when we are born or when we say goodbye...the top and bottom of those hourglasses are thus set...but each of us has control over whats in between...the sand...you somehow managed to morph your sand into concrete and left footprints all over and wherever you went...
It became especially acute when we were given the speech about months last fall..we thought we had to after the first of the year...but deep down I think we both thought that your time was not spent...that the sand was still flowing...but you also realized that you had no control over it and so you became even more urgent in how you spent each day....from writing letters and cards to your boys to be opened years ahead...to reaching out to friends who needed a pick me up...to visiting with everyone at the Wiffleball tournament for hours when you probably should have been home in bed...to going to Amy's wedding and keeping your vow to have a last family vacation...together...Damn..I still can't get over it...sorry...be back in a minute...
TIME...I think back as I listen to Stevie Ray to 1992...the apartment on Beechwood...I am writing my final paper for Fiction class and you are studying for Accounting 501 or something...you hog the bed...I am on that ugly orange fold out thing you hated...stereo playing this same CD....birds outside....hot except for the fan on the floor...I would stop and try to persuade you why you should take a study/fool around break...this time I remember I won...oh well...I know we have to keep it PG so I stop there..but you remember..TIME...who would have guessed what the next 20 years would bring...who would have thought that if someone had said SUNNY you will be an angel in 20 years...you were tan...in great shape...we had the whole world ahead of us...TIME...don't ever ever ever assume that you have time to spend with your loved ones tomorrow...or next weekend...or next holiday...or next game..or next season...our hour glass has no GUARRANTY....or warranty for that matter...it can be fragile...ripped open sand spewing everywhere in a flash...don't ignore your loved ones...don't ever ever tell your kid not now..IF NOT NOW THAN WHEN....tomorrow??????bullshit...tomorrow is a pipe dream until its today...until its now...so instead of doing what I did too often...screw tomorrow...and invest in making a difference now...compound your sand...get interest...get the maximum return on today...on now...on the present from above...use it wisely...make a difference in someone's hour glass...its their sand too...don't waste their's .....its never coming back...the moment once missed is gone...we aren't DVR's...a memory is a terrible thing to waste on regrets...trust me....you know what I mean baby because you always pushed me in the right direction....and I got it...but I may have got it too late....
so please ....if you share this conversation...don't waste any more TIME....get off your ass and go do something for someone...with someone...make a memory not a regret....
I LOVE U ALWAYS....
I HURT....
ME
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Bounce Back Monday
Sunshine....I LOVE U....as hard as last nights talk was it felt so good to get it off my chest....I think I have been holding emotions in for so long that just need to come out every so often....the fact is that this is really the one true outlet that I have that allows me to feel so close to you besides driving up to Plum Creek...parking by the steps and sitting down and talking to you....I love doing that as you know but as quiet as a cemetery is this is so much better...this is your computer....this is your desk and chair...Oscar farts next to me...and snores and makes those cool dreaming dog sounds....this is our home and I feel so much closer to you doing this than I feel at the grave....I have you all to myself here you aren't just another alpha numeric plot waiting on a stone marker surrounded by other alpha numeric plots with stones on a grassy hilly landscape...I am truly honored and blessed by the way to have this forum to talk to you and maybe someone who catches up later with our talks can pull something out of it that helps them or at least keeps the connection with you alive in some way....everyone should be so lucky....
So I vented yesterday...I had a minor meltdown...not sure exactly what triggers those moments but when I figure that out I will write the sequel to your book....go on tour...and Ellen...Oprah whoever invites me because that is the mystery to all of this hurt and grieving....there is really no rhyme or reason to it....I can be fine for periods...and then it can be a song...or a commercial...or an episode of Raymond that we watched...or AFV which you used to tolerate and make me turn off in Florida...or the sunset...or a glimpse at a photo...or in the case of last night..actually early this morning before I got up...the arrival of a new photo...Susan has the mother day pics that you sent over and after everything I was feeling yesterday she was up playing with them and sent me one with you and I sharing a smooch on the bench out front...our last mothers day together...actually the day before but the boys and I and Laura were so touched and honored (yea I am overusing that word tonight...lay off)....to surprise you with that time to take family photos without your prompting and the boys were so patient..and it was an amazing day...though you thought the photos were all terrible afterwards because you were too skinny...or looked sick...and we actually never got to see them until after you got your wings ironically...Are you ready...YOU WERE WRONG....those pics, at least the ones I have seen so far are so frickin awesome and special to not just us...but I put the pic from this morning on Facebook and it drew so many likes and comments that all confirmed that maybe you were a little to harsh or demanding on yourself and kind of missed the point...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL....I can't tell you how many people sent me notes saying your smile....those eyes...our love that gushes from that picture as I sneak a nibble on your ear and Laura caught it...WOW...not one comment regarding how skinny Sunny looks or "boy she looks really bad in that picture...."....nope...you were wrong...you never realized or appreciated how photogenic you were....I joked earlier with Kylee that between you and her mom we should have done the Girls of Cancer Calendar as a fundraiser because it would've sold...you always admired Princess Di (used to annoy the hell out of me)...and I can say that although not a fan of British royal family....your beauty and grace and natural presence was regal...thats the word...your dad called you his little princess...but you grew up to be a beautiful queen to us...(and sometimes even let me pretend I was the King..)....
That was the first thing I saw this morning after posting our talk from last night...and boy it was so unexpected to see you in my arms...after I just had got done earlier moping about how that was one of the things I missed the most...just holding and squeezing you...and there it was....in full color...not asked for....not even specifically prayed for....who prays for a copy of a pic from almost a year ago that you don't even know still exist....God works in mysterious ways...His way...it jerked me at first...I shed tears...but these were so cleansing...so ok get these eyes emptied because damn your hero was stunning...and because I knew that somehow someway once again He had sent me a sign saying "its going to be OK..."....
I came downstairs to make an egg and put the dog out and I heard Ace get out of the shower....and off our back porch....hovering above the Oakmont CC shrouded in an early morning winters frost fog...in that special six AM ish not quite dark not quite light sky was what the weather guy on WTAE called the Orange Winter Moon....it was hovering like a basketball waiting to get dunked on that historic landmark...so low..so full and round...so orange...It is rare...I called Ace in his room and told him to look out his window...(you know how much 16 years old love hearing hey kid check out the sky...its really cool..)but you know what he must have...because when he came home after practice today he asked me who else had seen the moon...I told him just him , me and your mom from a much better view...nolan was still sleeping and logan was in the shower...he said it was the coolest thing and not one of his buddies or teachers had seen it...please pass our sincere THANKS to Him when you come across Him again because that was another special moment...a sign...two before six thirty...He doesn't waste time when His plan calls for action....
So then a few hours later...stressing...working....not stressing about you...although I kept the I-Pod open to that pic all day so I could glance or stare at your laughing eyes and haunting smile...stressing about well...you know...the overwhelming it seems morass of people we owe money too...and I was approaching the breaking point yesterday....I must confess I didn't really see a way out...I have deals closing ...but you know how the time lags between closing and checks...could we make it once again with His help...I wasn't sure...but I prayed the Jonah prayer that Pastor had covered Sunday...don't know why...just came to me and seemed like the right thing to do....and an hour later heard back from a client that had spoke with late last week and I think a retainer big enough to stem the tide was blessed enough to be confirmed...I sat down literally on the floor after confirming the next step and once again ...yes..cried...tears of unbelievable relief...tension releasing tears....built up anxiety over you being gone and how I was screwing up things here with the kids...at least for that moment....I knew He was saying as long as I am with you how dare you call yourself a failure....how dare you think I can't get you out of anything....how dare you think you are alone...how dare you get to wits end....you should know better by now..."OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH"....or as I am fond of saying from time to time...what a dumbass I was...
And it was such a heavenly kick in the ass that I broke down...it was a good cry..trust me...Then Vicki called and Mike and us our going to do dinner tomorrow....it will be great to see them...haven't had the chance to see much of your family lately although I do talk to Pat a couple times a week...and we see Jesse a few times a month...anyways it was yet another sign that out of the blue the traveling Irishman is back in town from the road and you know its always a good time with those two...
So all in all...today was bounce back Monday....I am still going to hurt....and trust me I will have more conversations like we had yesterday but thats Ok...to once more quote Bono..."you got stuck in a moment....time to let it go...don't get stuck in a moment..."...and I as am learning thats the key...we all will have our moments....and I guess as Ok as that is....its not Ok to get stuck on them....so thanks for sending all those divine prayers our way....(my way in particular)...late last night....and damn...He sure answers even if you think you have reached the point of WTF....my life is screwed....He is there...so keep praying and putting the word in for all of us down here...and thanks for making this Monday so much better than Sunday....
For those that haven't seen the pic I mentioned go on FB its there...
I LOVE U SUNSHINE ALWAYS
ME
So I vented yesterday...I had a minor meltdown...not sure exactly what triggers those moments but when I figure that out I will write the sequel to your book....go on tour...and Ellen...Oprah whoever invites me because that is the mystery to all of this hurt and grieving....there is really no rhyme or reason to it....I can be fine for periods...and then it can be a song...or a commercial...or an episode of Raymond that we watched...or AFV which you used to tolerate and make me turn off in Florida...or the sunset...or a glimpse at a photo...or in the case of last night..actually early this morning before I got up...the arrival of a new photo...Susan has the mother day pics that you sent over and after everything I was feeling yesterday she was up playing with them and sent me one with you and I sharing a smooch on the bench out front...our last mothers day together...actually the day before but the boys and I and Laura were so touched and honored (yea I am overusing that word tonight...lay off)....to surprise you with that time to take family photos without your prompting and the boys were so patient..and it was an amazing day...though you thought the photos were all terrible afterwards because you were too skinny...or looked sick...and we actually never got to see them until after you got your wings ironically...Are you ready...YOU WERE WRONG....those pics, at least the ones I have seen so far are so frickin awesome and special to not just us...but I put the pic from this morning on Facebook and it drew so many likes and comments that all confirmed that maybe you were a little to harsh or demanding on yourself and kind of missed the point...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL....I can't tell you how many people sent me notes saying your smile....those eyes...our love that gushes from that picture as I sneak a nibble on your ear and Laura caught it...WOW...not one comment regarding how skinny Sunny looks or "boy she looks really bad in that picture...."....nope...you were wrong...you never realized or appreciated how photogenic you were....I joked earlier with Kylee that between you and her mom we should have done the Girls of Cancer Calendar as a fundraiser because it would've sold...you always admired Princess Di (used to annoy the hell out of me)...and I can say that although not a fan of British royal family....your beauty and grace and natural presence was regal...thats the word...your dad called you his little princess...but you grew up to be a beautiful queen to us...(and sometimes even let me pretend I was the King..)....
That was the first thing I saw this morning after posting our talk from last night...and boy it was so unexpected to see you in my arms...after I just had got done earlier moping about how that was one of the things I missed the most...just holding and squeezing you...and there it was....in full color...not asked for....not even specifically prayed for....who prays for a copy of a pic from almost a year ago that you don't even know still exist....God works in mysterious ways...His way...it jerked me at first...I shed tears...but these were so cleansing...so ok get these eyes emptied because damn your hero was stunning...and because I knew that somehow someway once again He had sent me a sign saying "its going to be OK..."....
I came downstairs to make an egg and put the dog out and I heard Ace get out of the shower....and off our back porch....hovering above the Oakmont CC shrouded in an early morning winters frost fog...in that special six AM ish not quite dark not quite light sky was what the weather guy on WTAE called the Orange Winter Moon....it was hovering like a basketball waiting to get dunked on that historic landmark...so low..so full and round...so orange...It is rare...I called Ace in his room and told him to look out his window...(you know how much 16 years old love hearing hey kid check out the sky...its really cool..)but you know what he must have...because when he came home after practice today he asked me who else had seen the moon...I told him just him , me and your mom from a much better view...nolan was still sleeping and logan was in the shower...he said it was the coolest thing and not one of his buddies or teachers had seen it...please pass our sincere THANKS to Him when you come across Him again because that was another special moment...a sign...two before six thirty...He doesn't waste time when His plan calls for action....
So then a few hours later...stressing...working....not stressing about you...although I kept the I-Pod open to that pic all day so I could glance or stare at your laughing eyes and haunting smile...stressing about well...you know...the overwhelming it seems morass of people we owe money too...and I was approaching the breaking point yesterday....I must confess I didn't really see a way out...I have deals closing ...but you know how the time lags between closing and checks...could we make it once again with His help...I wasn't sure...but I prayed the Jonah prayer that Pastor had covered Sunday...don't know why...just came to me and seemed like the right thing to do....and an hour later heard back from a client that had spoke with late last week and I think a retainer big enough to stem the tide was blessed enough to be confirmed...I sat down literally on the floor after confirming the next step and once again ...yes..cried...tears of unbelievable relief...tension releasing tears....built up anxiety over you being gone and how I was screwing up things here with the kids...at least for that moment....I knew He was saying as long as I am with you how dare you call yourself a failure....how dare you think I can't get you out of anything....how dare you think you are alone...how dare you get to wits end....you should know better by now..."OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH"....or as I am fond of saying from time to time...what a dumbass I was...
And it was such a heavenly kick in the ass that I broke down...it was a good cry..trust me...Then Vicki called and Mike and us our going to do dinner tomorrow....it will be great to see them...haven't had the chance to see much of your family lately although I do talk to Pat a couple times a week...and we see Jesse a few times a month...anyways it was yet another sign that out of the blue the traveling Irishman is back in town from the road and you know its always a good time with those two...
So all in all...today was bounce back Monday....I am still going to hurt....and trust me I will have more conversations like we had yesterday but thats Ok...to once more quote Bono..."you got stuck in a moment....time to let it go...don't get stuck in a moment..."...and I as am learning thats the key...we all will have our moments....and I guess as Ok as that is....its not Ok to get stuck on them....so thanks for sending all those divine prayers our way....(my way in particular)...late last night....and damn...He sure answers even if you think you have reached the point of WTF....my life is screwed....He is there...so keep praying and putting the word in for all of us down here...and thanks for making this Monday so much better than Sunday....
For those that haven't seen the pic I mentioned go on FB its there...
I LOVE U SUNSHINE ALWAYS
ME
Sunday, February 24, 2013
King Of Pain
Sunshine...I LOVE U and I miss you so frickin much....I have nothing to say tonight that is enlightening or cute inspired scripture...just me...raw emotions....not sure if I even want to continue but there is no one up to talk to (yes already prayed....and prayed)....so as I just heard With or Without You...and then King of Pain....little black spot on the sun today...I can't be all rah rah pump everyone else up....not right now...this is really hard....raising three boys solo isn't what I ever would have imagined just a few months ago....but its the most important job in the world...but its hard...you were so much better at it...always knowing when to hug...when to yell...when to listen...when to snoop...I have the yelling part down...but...great now its smiths I am a human and I need to be loved...this pandora is killing me tonight...I have the yelling part down but I don't have even come close to the connection with our boys that you did...and I love them so much it feels like I am failing them....
Sorry...I need to step away for a moment....
Back...it just seems like the whole world is going on right by me...the last three months or so have been a blur...like a DVR FFx8 after first going into super slo-mo the first three days of November...damn...if I could have done something...if I would have known...I wouldn't have taken you in so early...you could have a real goodbye with our boys and your mom...they were all here...sorry...choking up again...I would take your place in a sec...you should be down here spreading sunshine and I should have been the one with all of my healthy lifestyle choices...(haha)...Our friends our having babies...getting engaged...buying and building houses...their kids are growing up...moving out...having kids...I am so happy for them...but it rips me apart on the inside because I know how much you celebrated and looked forward to each step on the journey....each milestone marker your boys hit...or we hit...damn...sorry....
sometimes its hard to get motivated in the mornings after the boys go off to school....I change my routine....I try...but sometimes the pain is so deep...and this house is so empty....its just hard...its easier to curl into a ball and bury my head for an hour...and I hope that when my eyes open you are next to me....sometimes I dream so intensely I awaken myself answering questions that of course you never asked....I jump into work...and its busy...but still financial crap piles on...I discover shit to this day thanks to our buddies at UPMC...you think I could play the "SHES DEAD GET OUT OF DEBT CARD.."I picture you smacking me down saying lets go ....get at it...we got orders to fill....and I do it...but its just not the same....I have more than enough so staying busy once I get going isn't an issue...but its hard...I miss your kick in the butt....I love you so frickin much...
so I finally realized the other reason why the Jonah story kept popping up recently...Today at church as Pastor did his second part on the Jonah story....he did an altar call at the end...for those that just needed prayed for...for whatever reason...for those like Jonah in Ch 2 that had reached the very depths of things...felt so alone and that God couldn't possibly be with them...for those that know God but want more...for those that were all smiles and made the appearance on the outside that all was great...joking...but on the inside...real pain...real mess....real opposite of smiles....I felt like that part was a laser beaming in on me directly....I have been okey dokeying the world for months and its old, tired, and hard....Oscar night...pfffttt...I have learned to play a role of being there and being positive for everyone and to everyone and yet I am alone...who do I turn to talk to now that you are up there?....who do I share hugs with when things go well and do I squeeze and clench tightly when things hurt...who encourages....who prods....who motivates...who inspires me?....and I know I will get a few notes tomorrow from well meaning family and friends....oh Mark...let it go...get it out...Sunny wouldn't want you to be like this...she is in heaven...she has no pain....so is in a better place....I have been saying that crap for three months now and I say crap because yes its true...but saying it out loud a million times since November 3rd doesn't erase the hurt...its a recording in my brain that just pushes play when someone asks do I miss you?....or how are you?....How am I?....truth is ....I MISS MY HERO...the Sun was literally ripped from my life....how would a plant survive without the sun....but I say instead....okey dokey....one day at a time...we are ok...we are inspired by her legacy...and the footprints....
I wish you were here right now to walk up and down over me and around me and leave muddy concrete footprints...but fresh ones...thats what I will never see again...fresh ones...and I am sorry but I struggle with that concept...a lot of assholes still get to wake up every morning...and yet you won't make another new footprint...won't impact me or anyone else except in the Betamax of our memories...sorry DVD's for you young ens....I say I get it....I try to convince myself everyday that I get it....but you and I both know I haven't got it yet....thats the biggest thing....you aren't coming back....(and don't give me that BS that "you are still with us...you are watching over us...")....Jesus was doing a fine job of watching over us when you were here....and you are not next to me stealing the covers...changing the channels...making me feel like I was the King of the World....not the King of Pain....so I am venting....big time...I miss you...this is hard...this is so hard...it hurts...it hurts like a big crotch shot...the kind you double over from and hold your breath hoping that a piece of you is still there...except in this case the piece is gone...but the pain is still there....
and yes I will put back on my "happy" face tomorrow and be mr. spit and fire life is good stay positive make a difference in the world don't mope celebrate what you have because it may be gone tomorrow and boy what a beautiful snow or sunset.....and I will do it again the next day....because I figure at some point it has to trigger my brain to accept it and not just act it.....but until then please pray hard that the hurt and sense of loss eases...and please pray for our boys...they have to be feeling the same even if they are so busy with school and sports....and please pray for our families and our friends who I know also miss you dearly....
Only the good die young....they definitely wrote that song for you....because it was way too short down here especially since you have eternity up there...I am not going to sugarcoat it...I get angry at Him though I shouldn't but you point one person out to me who lost a dear dear loved one and hasn't gotten angry and I will introduce you to Jesus twin brother...I am human....you no longer are...and that sucks....I want to hug and hold and kiss you...I want to feel the warmth of your touch on my hand at night...I want to hear your sweet laugh...I want to see the dancing sparkle of your green eyes...I want to....I will stop this train of thought now to keep it PG....but you cannot imagine how my heart is now half a heart....I gave you half and never expected it back but never expected it to be gone so soon...keep it...I don't need it anyways down here....I would give it back to you again and more if I could and if I knew the end results...because you were my life...not wife...life...alright I cried enough...I really do MISS U
please if you are sharing this talk with Sunny and I don't go all noid on me this is a part of the healing process or so I am told...
I LOVE U ALWAYS SUNSHINE
ME
Sorry...I need to step away for a moment....
Back...it just seems like the whole world is going on right by me...the last three months or so have been a blur...like a DVR FFx8 after first going into super slo-mo the first three days of November...damn...if I could have done something...if I would have known...I wouldn't have taken you in so early...you could have a real goodbye with our boys and your mom...they were all here...sorry...choking up again...I would take your place in a sec...you should be down here spreading sunshine and I should have been the one with all of my healthy lifestyle choices...(haha)...Our friends our having babies...getting engaged...buying and building houses...their kids are growing up...moving out...having kids...I am so happy for them...but it rips me apart on the inside because I know how much you celebrated and looked forward to each step on the journey....each milestone marker your boys hit...or we hit...damn...sorry....
sometimes its hard to get motivated in the mornings after the boys go off to school....I change my routine....I try...but sometimes the pain is so deep...and this house is so empty....its just hard...its easier to curl into a ball and bury my head for an hour...and I hope that when my eyes open you are next to me....sometimes I dream so intensely I awaken myself answering questions that of course you never asked....I jump into work...and its busy...but still financial crap piles on...I discover shit to this day thanks to our buddies at UPMC...you think I could play the "SHES DEAD GET OUT OF DEBT CARD.."I picture you smacking me down saying lets go ....get at it...we got orders to fill....and I do it...but its just not the same....I have more than enough so staying busy once I get going isn't an issue...but its hard...I miss your kick in the butt....I love you so frickin much...
so I finally realized the other reason why the Jonah story kept popping up recently...Today at church as Pastor did his second part on the Jonah story....he did an altar call at the end...for those that just needed prayed for...for whatever reason...for those like Jonah in Ch 2 that had reached the very depths of things...felt so alone and that God couldn't possibly be with them...for those that know God but want more...for those that were all smiles and made the appearance on the outside that all was great...joking...but on the inside...real pain...real mess....real opposite of smiles....I felt like that part was a laser beaming in on me directly....I have been okey dokeying the world for months and its old, tired, and hard....Oscar night...pfffttt...I have learned to play a role of being there and being positive for everyone and to everyone and yet I am alone...who do I turn to talk to now that you are up there?....who do I share hugs with when things go well and do I squeeze and clench tightly when things hurt...who encourages....who prods....who motivates...who inspires me?....and I know I will get a few notes tomorrow from well meaning family and friends....oh Mark...let it go...get it out...Sunny wouldn't want you to be like this...she is in heaven...she has no pain....so is in a better place....I have been saying that crap for three months now and I say crap because yes its true...but saying it out loud a million times since November 3rd doesn't erase the hurt...its a recording in my brain that just pushes play when someone asks do I miss you?....or how are you?....How am I?....truth is ....I MISS MY HERO...the Sun was literally ripped from my life....how would a plant survive without the sun....but I say instead....okey dokey....one day at a time...we are ok...we are inspired by her legacy...and the footprints....
I wish you were here right now to walk up and down over me and around me and leave muddy concrete footprints...but fresh ones...thats what I will never see again...fresh ones...and I am sorry but I struggle with that concept...a lot of assholes still get to wake up every morning...and yet you won't make another new footprint...won't impact me or anyone else except in the Betamax of our memories...sorry DVD's for you young ens....I say I get it....I try to convince myself everyday that I get it....but you and I both know I haven't got it yet....thats the biggest thing....you aren't coming back....(and don't give me that BS that "you are still with us...you are watching over us...")....Jesus was doing a fine job of watching over us when you were here....and you are not next to me stealing the covers...changing the channels...making me feel like I was the King of the World....not the King of Pain....so I am venting....big time...I miss you...this is hard...this is so hard...it hurts...it hurts like a big crotch shot...the kind you double over from and hold your breath hoping that a piece of you is still there...except in this case the piece is gone...but the pain is still there....
and yes I will put back on my "happy" face tomorrow and be mr. spit and fire life is good stay positive make a difference in the world don't mope celebrate what you have because it may be gone tomorrow and boy what a beautiful snow or sunset.....and I will do it again the next day....because I figure at some point it has to trigger my brain to accept it and not just act it.....but until then please pray hard that the hurt and sense of loss eases...and please pray for our boys...they have to be feeling the same even if they are so busy with school and sports....and please pray for our families and our friends who I know also miss you dearly....
Only the good die young....they definitely wrote that song for you....because it was way too short down here especially since you have eternity up there...I am not going to sugarcoat it...I get angry at Him though I shouldn't but you point one person out to me who lost a dear dear loved one and hasn't gotten angry and I will introduce you to Jesus twin brother...I am human....you no longer are...and that sucks....I want to hug and hold and kiss you...I want to feel the warmth of your touch on my hand at night...I want to hear your sweet laugh...I want to see the dancing sparkle of your green eyes...I want to....I will stop this train of thought now to keep it PG....but you cannot imagine how my heart is now half a heart....I gave you half and never expected it back but never expected it to be gone so soon...keep it...I don't need it anyways down here....I would give it back to you again and more if I could and if I knew the end results...because you were my life...not wife...life...alright I cried enough...I really do MISS U
please if you are sharing this talk with Sunny and I don't go all noid on me this is a part of the healing process or so I am told...
I LOVE U ALWAYS SUNSHINE
ME
Thursday, February 21, 2013
What Kind of Impact Do We Make?
Sunshine...I LOVE U....Its been a hard couple of days...A few of our dear friends have been reaching out and telling me the same thing that I have been feeling...they miss you...I have learned that it comes and goes...that feeling of intensely missing you....like the waves of the ocean rising and falling...driven in this case by an emotional tide...high tides....low tides...yet always another one coming...and so I read some of the footprint notes from your funeral...what people remembered the most about you....what people wanted to have your legacy be....what personal footprint you made in their path of life's journey....I won't get into personal details because its not really important here for our talk here....suffice to say you made a positive impact on many by letting Him use you despite whatever pain or fears you had in doing so....
So that brings me to the subject of our talk tonight...What kind of impact will I leave? Will each of us leave? Will we be the positive node of the battery or the negative? Will we be the person that others will be better off having come across or will we be a negative force pulling others down? Will our presence be a calming influence to others in their storms or will they be better off in the midst of their storms if we leave?....do we walk with God and exude and share the peace He gives us or does our own situation render us a liability to others? Where am I going with all of this?
I went back over the weekend to the story of Jonah....and the story from Matthew Ch 9 of Jesus asleep on the boat with the disciples....both stories have its two main characters asleep in the midst of raging deadly seas....both are awakened....now we know Jonah was running from the Lord....in fact he had shared this with the crew of the boat he was on....now we know the disciples were chosing to follow the Lord...thats why they had set sail with Jesus that night...now we know that Jonah's choice to board that boat ultimately endangered the life of every crew member of that vessel...they were tossing their cargo to try to stay afloat....their were trying to fix the problem themselves...not only did Jonah fall asleep...they couldn't even immediately turn to him and ask him at first to pray...only after waking him and asking him why....why was he there? why was he running from his Lord....and why had he doomed them to certain death by his mere presence....now thats a message some of us "Christians" send out...we are perceived rightfully so not as calming influences tapped into Him...but as rebel rousers who bring strife and no one really wants around....he tells them to throw him overboard....he will make them safer by not being with them....how many times are people better off if we leave them to their own storms...how many times do we beg off helping others and simply punt like Jonah and say "get rid of me...you will be better off without me in your life?"....
Contradict that with the message Jesus sends when He is awakened by the disciples who want desperately His full presence and attention....they are blessed because He is there with them....Does He reprimand them on their lack of faith...sure does....but He doesn't abandon them...they aren't worse off with Him around...in fact their lives are saved literally because He was with them....
So what or should I say who are we going to be like? Jonah...running...a liability to those around him as he deals with his own struggles....ignoring the calling of God and thus effectively neutered as far as helping others...in fact so struggling actually causing stress and potential peril to those around us...each of our choices impacting negatively others...with potentially dire results....or do we model ourselves after Jesus....a calming influence to those in our life...those that need help...the help that comes through us via Him...WELL?
I know I have been trying hard to make footprints when the opportunity arises....but sometimes I still get wrapped up like Jonah in my own little flight....and I miss the chances I shouldn't...Pray that I do a better job at it....please Sunshine....
And while you are it please keep praying for the boys...they are doing well on the surface but we miss you....pray for the Nixons and Kylee and her family....pray for Nick F who busted his arm pretty good yesterday skiing...pray for Susan and her family and Mandy and her family as they deal with recent losses...pray for Pastor's grandson...pray for Timmy's new baby....pray for everyone who I overlooked but has reached out....pray for financial blessings on this family and our house....
I LOVE U ALWAYS
ME
So that brings me to the subject of our talk tonight...What kind of impact will I leave? Will each of us leave? Will we be the positive node of the battery or the negative? Will we be the person that others will be better off having come across or will we be a negative force pulling others down? Will our presence be a calming influence to others in their storms or will they be better off in the midst of their storms if we leave?....do we walk with God and exude and share the peace He gives us or does our own situation render us a liability to others? Where am I going with all of this?
I went back over the weekend to the story of Jonah....and the story from Matthew Ch 9 of Jesus asleep on the boat with the disciples....both stories have its two main characters asleep in the midst of raging deadly seas....both are awakened....now we know Jonah was running from the Lord....in fact he had shared this with the crew of the boat he was on....now we know the disciples were chosing to follow the Lord...thats why they had set sail with Jesus that night...now we know that Jonah's choice to board that boat ultimately endangered the life of every crew member of that vessel...they were tossing their cargo to try to stay afloat....their were trying to fix the problem themselves...not only did Jonah fall asleep...they couldn't even immediately turn to him and ask him at first to pray...only after waking him and asking him why....why was he there? why was he running from his Lord....and why had he doomed them to certain death by his mere presence....now thats a message some of us "Christians" send out...we are perceived rightfully so not as calming influences tapped into Him...but as rebel rousers who bring strife and no one really wants around....he tells them to throw him overboard....he will make them safer by not being with them....how many times are people better off if we leave them to their own storms...how many times do we beg off helping others and simply punt like Jonah and say "get rid of me...you will be better off without me in your life?"....
Contradict that with the message Jesus sends when He is awakened by the disciples who want desperately His full presence and attention....they are blessed because He is there with them....Does He reprimand them on their lack of faith...sure does....but He doesn't abandon them...they aren't worse off with Him around...in fact their lives are saved literally because He was with them....
So what or should I say who are we going to be like? Jonah...running...a liability to those around him as he deals with his own struggles....ignoring the calling of God and thus effectively neutered as far as helping others...in fact so struggling actually causing stress and potential peril to those around us...each of our choices impacting negatively others...with potentially dire results....or do we model ourselves after Jesus....a calming influence to those in our life...those that need help...the help that comes through us via Him...WELL?
I know I have been trying hard to make footprints when the opportunity arises....but sometimes I still get wrapped up like Jonah in my own little flight....and I miss the chances I shouldn't...Pray that I do a better job at it....please Sunshine....
And while you are it please keep praying for the boys...they are doing well on the surface but we miss you....pray for the Nixons and Kylee and her family....pray for Nick F who busted his arm pretty good yesterday skiing...pray for Susan and her family and Mandy and her family as they deal with recent losses...pray for Pastor's grandson...pray for Timmy's new baby....pray for everyone who I overlooked but has reached out....pray for financial blessings on this family and our house....
I LOVE U ALWAYS
ME
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