I hate posting mixed or bad results on the blog for many reasons. First and most importantly, I don't want all my carcinoid posse to give up hope. I have not given up, so I don't want them to think that this fight is hopeless. It is true that when one door, or treatment, closes another one opens. I have never accepted the bad news without looking ahead for some good news. Today my good news is this appointment I have in Iowa. I like to think of it as if a hurdle gets in the way of life and it's to high to jump over you can go around it because there is always another way. You just need to be determine to find it and not give up until you find it. Often I hold back posting when I am not at my best for that exact reason. I don't want other carcinoid patients who read my blog to feel down. If each one of us supports each other then this disease will not win.
Another reason why I keep the bad news under lock and key at times is because I don't ever want anyone to feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself, so the last thing I want is for others to pity me. I do not have time in my life for self-pity. I have this quote inside my Bible beside my bed. Not sure where I heard it, read it or who even claims it but I use it for a book mark. And when I start to feel that "dark side" creeping in I reach for it:
"Each day is a special gift from God, and while life may not always be fair, you must never allow the pains, hurdles, and handicaps of the moment to poison your attitude and plans for yourself and your future. You can never win when you wear the ugly cloak of self-pity, and the sour sound of whining will certainly frighten away any opportunity for success. Never again. There is a better way.”
I am so lucky to have my family, my friends and the opportunity to know what is really important in life. It is something that you get when faced with an adversity that is life or death. It is like your eyes get washed with your tears and you see things so much clearer. I know that is deep or difficult to relate to but I also know that some of you who have been through a similar situation are shaking your heads knowing exactly what I am saying. It's like that gift that comes with cancer. Sounds crazy but if you look at this disease as exactly that it makes it a whole hell of a lot easier to navigate through.
Lastly, as I stated over and over again in my blog I hate talking about bad news. I just as well stuff it under a log and never lift it up again. I feel like if the news does not give any benefit by telling it then keep it in. It is the same way I feel about negative people. I avoid them like the plague. No need to spread the germ of negative.
However, in this case I have up news to go with the new tumors. The fact that some of the liver tumors have decreased in size and that I have an appointment with the "Mack Daddy" of Carcinoid Doctors on Wed.(boy I am talking like my sons). So as promised I gave you the news of the scans, but now I need a promise form all my supporters. That is do not feel sorry for me, feel inspired by me. Do something this week that will make you a better person. Don't cry for me, cry with me.
Keep me in your prayers Tuesday and Wednesday. I am hoping for a miracle.
check out the photo to my earlier blog. One of those breath taking moments I write about.