I gave it up

As many of you know Monday I had a CT scan of the liver to determine if the torture, chemo-embolization, I went through in August actually did something to the tumors in the liver.  Yesterday was my appointment with Dr. Tsung, who replaced Dr. Gamblim, where we look at the scans and talk about the next steps.  On Sunday night I really made up my mind that I would not let these next two days get the best of me.  I prayed about them and then truly put it in His hands.  You see I have never heard words from any of these doctors that there is positive and noticeable shrinkage in any of the tumors.  More times then I want to remember I have heard that the cancer is growing quicker then they would like or that new tumors are popping up everywhere.  I have gotten the sad eyes with  the hand on my shoulder and the doctor standing above me, because for some reason they think that standing above me when they are telling this bad news makes it real.  Not sure.  One time a few months after my second trip to Switzerland a doctor told me that he thinks he may see a little shrinkage but not enough to tell. I am not sure if he was just saying that because he wanted me to feel okay about putting all the money we had plus a second mortgage on the line to receive these treatments or if he thought there was some shrinkage.  Whatever the case it started growing shortly after that appointment.  I have also heard that the tumors have remained stable, only to hear a few months later they have been growing again. However, I have always kept hope that all these treatments and crazy drugs I am taking will do something.  Every appointment I go in ready to see smiles on the doctors faces when they enter the room instead of the usual practiced somber look.   

Yesterday, was that day.  Dr. Tsung came into my room with his usual entourage of nonspeaking med students beaming from ear to ear.  He hopped in his seat and began asking me details about how I am feeling.  I started telling him all my complaints, which frustrates the hell out of me because I have already went over it with three other white coat people, and he looked like he was going to burst and was really not listen to me.  So I finally said something like: lets just get to the results first and then I'll start complaining.  So he let it out like it was the first time he ever got to tell someone this, "It shrunk. The big one that I was worried about shrunk. It's almost half the size."  He is young for a specialist and my verdict is still out on him.  However I found his excitement quite cute and humbling.  I was in shock, even though I had hoped. I guess I just thought I would  not hear it this way. 

He continued on, in a much more professional and stellar manner, about how its only one that shrunk out of several several other very major tumors in my body so I cannot get my guard down or even take a break on the treatment.  I had to stop him because trust me I am never quitting and said, "let's just enjoy this moment doc." He laughed and in his accent shook his head and said, "YA YA WE ENJOY". 

We talked about my surgery in Dec. and my Jan. Houston treatment trip. He gave me the lecture about this does not mean you are out of the woods.  But I think he said, "OOODS".  But truly it all went over my head. I stood up and grabbed his shoulder this time and said, "listen something is working, even if its just a little.  Lets just enjoy that and not worry." I looked over a Mark who had tears rolling down his face.  His tears I have seen so many times lately but this time they were tears of relief and happiness.  Doc noticed too and said his good byes to leave us alone. Not much said at that moment except a quit, "it was all worth it."


This morning I had to take Nolan to the doctors.  On the ride to the office he starting talking about the results of yesterday.  He then said to me, "mom does this mean you are better?" . I told him no but it means that my fight is working and it just proves that nothing is impossible.  He then asked me if the other day when were all in the car did I listen to the words of  that song that was on the radio about imagining seeing God?  I told him that I loved that song.  He then said, "I've been thinking about that song for a couple of  days and thought that would be like you when you see God. Mom, you would be in awe and not be afraid".   Yes that is exactly how he said.  Of course I was speechless and he broke the silence with, "but it wont be for a while now".  He continued the conversation by asking if I remember when he and I were watching the sunrise and I told him that I was not afraid to die.  I do remember that and  I blogged about it.  He then softly added, "Mom that is why God answered my prayers on Sunday night.  He still needs you here for us.  He does not want you to want to go to heaven too soon.". All I could do is shake my head yes and turn the radio up.  Thankfully we were listening rock.

Truly the past four days, including today, shows the rollercoaster

Thank you for your prayers.

Sunny

By the way the Song he was talking about is "I Can Only Imagine", by MercyMe