I want to share a poem with you that was given to me by a special lady. It was written by her sister when she was a teenager just before cancer took her life on Jan. 7, 1976. Very inspirational:
The Hot Line
By Rosie DePastino
I'm lying and thinking with
Plenty of time
It seems that the world is
Just one up hill to climb.
The question occurs "can we make
It or not?"
If we quit at the middle
It can be a far drop.
We sometimes need courage and
Someone to lean on
It gives us the strength
To manage to see dawn.
They pull us up and out of our
depression
One thing you don't need to be
set back in regression.
It's sometimes hard to
Count our gifts
But thinking about worse others
Should give us a lift.
A gift is nice, a present too
But the best gift is prayers,
Love and a smile
When you're blue.
So in the darkest hour when
You think you're all alone
Remember there's a hot line
To a very special phone.
I won't tell you whose on it
For I guess that you should know
But someone'll always answer
And He'll tell you the way to go.
I was climbing up the hill
And I almost had a fall
But I guess you know just
What I did - I slid and slid and crawled.
Until I found my courage
And picked right up the phone
And now I call the Hot Line
When I feel I'm all alone.
I've been waiting until the perfect moment to post this poem. What better time then two days before Christmas. A teenager at the end of her life did not lose faith that anytime she had a special hot line to call God. She believed that he was there even when she was at her worse possible time. She did not ask him to cure her but to keep up her spirits while she went through this cancer journey.
There is one question I ask when I read this poem. How can a young girl fighting for her life still have faith that God has not forsaken her, when many who have everything don't believe? Something to remember when we open all those store brought gifts this season. The greatest gift does not cost a dime and is free to us anytime. GOD!!!!!
Have the MERRIEST CHRISTMAS ever!
Sunny
SUNNY CARNEY After a courageous 10 year fight battling Carcinoid Cancer, Sunny Carney, of Plum, passed peacefully on Saturday, November 3. She was married to her devoted husband, Mark; and was a loving mother to Austen, Logan and Nolan; daughter of Patricia Jennings and the late James J. Jennings; daughter-in-law of Dale and Dottie Carney; sister of Judy Phillips (Ray Jr.), Lynn Pesta (Teddy), Michael Jennings (Vicki Lynn), James Jennings (Sue), Joseph Jennings (Elizabeth), Sheila Fortes (Jim); sister-in-law of Craig Carney (Julia). She is also survived by numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, and nephews, and was a true friend and inspiration to many.
In addition to being an inspiration to family and friends Sunny inspired carcinoid cancer patients across the globe through her blog, and then her book "The Sunny Side of Cancer. She spoke at numerous cancer events locally sharing stories of her journey which led her from Basel, Switzerland to all of the top Carcinoid Cancer specialists here in the states. She was an advocate for better diagnosis of the disease and for insurance coverage of treatments. She fought with grace and dignity, never letting the pain inside challenge her faith or diminish her love for life.
Memorials may be made to "Carney Family Fund", c/o S&T Bank, 2190 Hulton Road, Verona, PA 15147.
Friends received Monday 7-9 p.m. and Tuesday 3-8 p.m. at Unity Community Church, 215 Unity Center Road, Plum, PA 15239.
Funeral Services will be held on Wednesday at 11 a.m. in Unity Community Church with Rev. Frank Deluce officiating. Arrangements entrusted to CHARLES W. TRENZ FUNERAL HOME, INC.
VIEW GUEST BOOK Published in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
I don't usually do this but I am asking for everyone who reads my blog to help out a sweet girl. She has supported my fight and I now want to support her. Please go to www.mileycyrus.com/final-voting/ and vote for Amy Collalella. She is a darling thing that really deserves to win. You can vote once a day.
Have an amazing day. If you want it to be then you can make it be.
Sunny
Have an amazing day. If you want it to be then you can make it be.
Sunny
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
12-15-97
Dear Logan,
December 15, 1997 is a date I will remember always and treasure so deep in my heart. On that day God gave me a miracle. God knew exactly what he was doing when he blessed our family with you as our second son. I love you more then you could ever know. I am so glad I can spend your 12th birthday showing you how much you mean to all of us. Thank you for being the best brother and most amazing son.
Here is something I jotted down for you. I wish I could express my wishes more elegantly then this but treasure it and know that it is my gift.
My wish for you Logan
Son, I wish I could fill your life with nothing but Joy
so you can always stay an innocent little boy
Son, I wish I could make all your wishes come true
so that you will never feel sad or blue
Son, I wish I could fulfill every dream you may see
so you can know how happy you have made me
Son, I wish I can gift you all the riches around
so all you frowns are turned upside down
Son, I wish your life could be nothing but fun
and all your nights and days be filled with sun
Son, I wish I can take all of life's pains away
so you can have nothing but glorious days
Son, I wish I could show you how to have strength in times of despair
so you can have faith and never have fear
Son, I wish I could live every single day of your life
so that I can take on all your strife
There is so much I wish for you my dear son
but I can not give you because your life would then be done.
You need to have all that bad that comes with the good.
Otherwise you will never know were you stood.
You need to learn how to change obstacles into opportunities
that way you will see
how wonderful living your life can be
You need to put your faith in God above
so you can feel His most amazing love
If I could wave a wand and grant all my wishes true
Then you will never see how much I truly love you.
So on you birthday I will gift you all the above
but tomorrow I must continue to fight
so I can teach you to look for the light.
Everyday is a gift I want to say
so that your birthday is not just one day.
Mom
P.S. Happy Birthday my wild loving boy!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Christie
Happy Birthday to my dear Christie. It's been two years since you left us but it feels like just yesterday. I think of you always and the battle you so bravely fought. I miss our talks about our physical struggles with this disease. And the boys miss their Aunt Christie especially your Nolan. Your children hearts will always be yours. I know you are looking down on us from the most glorious place ever and sending us peace. I hate that you are not here for me and I hate that I am so selfish to wish you back. I will fight this cancer with all I have in honor of you. Until we see each other again.
Sunny
Sunny
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Our trip to Tampa and Dr. Kvols
After a long trip we are back with so much accomplished. As you know if you were keeping up with my blog I spent Thanksgiving in Vero Beach, FL with my family. After the holiday we traveled over to the west coast of Florida to Tampa for an appointment with a carcinoid cancer guru, Dr. Kvols. To our surprise it was also the weekend of the ACC championship. So the boys were thrilled. We stayed at the Hyatt just by chance where they were hosting many of the pre-game events. I was a little concerned about dragging the boys with us to Tampa for fear that the focus would be on me and they would be bored. Well when we pulled up and the valet asked us if we were here for the ACC championship event I saw the boys bright blue eyes twinkle. Just another time when we were at the right place at the right time.
The real reason for our trip to Tampa was to get more information on my cancer and see about some new clinical trails that I had researched. I had read many articles about Dr. Kvols and was interested in his knowledge about this rare and complicated cancer. With our medical bills pile raising I was unsure if the benefits of seeing him would out way the expense. Then a few months ago I received an email from one of my carcinoid cancer posse, Bob Paver, who highly recommended that I try to get an appointment with Dr. Kvols or Dr. Warner in New York. Bob found my blog when he was doing research for his on carcinoid cancer and felt the urge to reach out to me about his positive experience. This is what I mean when I write about how God puts people in your life just when you need them.
As I was driving over to the west coast through miles and miles of orange groves, I thought about how unselfish it was of Bob to contact me. It is just a true example how we are all in this together. Life with cancer is not just about the individual themselves. It's about all of us reaching out and helping each other. Looking at the bigger picture of this disease can do so much more then just thinking about your own suffering. I don't know if I am explaining myself clearly, perhaps just saying we are all in this together. Spread your wealth of knowledge to others and share your experience to benefit others. That is one of the purposes of my blog but it was actually turned into so much more.
We arrived at Moffit Cancer Center right on time which is actually early for Mark and the boys. After getting the boys set up in the waiting room with their missed school work and portable game systems we checked in. Everyone was so pleasant and positive. The records that I had sent three times were MIA so I started to panic for fear that this whole trip was a waste. After stressing my concern and begging for them to look everywhere because I knew that they were sent the records turned up. To the nurse's surprise, but not mine, there was a box full. Unfortunately because of the mix up Dr. Kvols did not have enough time to read the mounds of records. So instead he spent a considerably amount of time listening to me go over my history with this disease. He listened with such interested and did not rush me a bit. This just amazed me because he is one of the most knowledgeable doctor in the US about carcinoid cancer and he listen like this was the first time he heard this cancer story. He then gave us all his knowledge about the disease and explained things to me that I had always wondered. Just when I thought I had read, researched and learned everything there is to know about this monster growing inside me, there was more to learn.
After I was done he examined me and asked me all about the symptoms I have or had. Then we went into a conference room while he took some time to review all the scans I have had in the past year and half. After some time he came in and went over everything and every option he sees for me. He did not have any clinical trails that I would be illegible for, because of my advancement, but believes that I am doing everything right. He could not give me a formal recommendation until he reads over my box of records. However, he did give an informal:
1. Continue on the Afinator and Stando because he believes that I will see some stability with that drug. In some cases he has even seen shrinkage. But in my case stability is what we will hope for.
2. Next step in the next few months would be to add another drug that has been proven to work along with Afinator. He wants to save that option until we see what the Afinator would do.
3. The last option would be to go back to Switzerland to receive my last two treatments. He suggested that I hold off until we see what the Afinator will do.
He gave me other suggestions but like I said he needs to go over all my records to see if they will actually be my options. The formal report should be finished quickly. What he did confirm was that I am doing everything I can do and not leaving any stone unturned. He told me to not give up and keep on fighting. He stressed that everyday new treatments are being thought of. In fact, I found that with the FDA approval of Afinator just this May. He was so passionate about this cancer and finding ways to keep carcinoid patients alive.
Finally I asked the million dollar question, "How long do you think I can live with this cancer?" I could tell he was a little uncomfortable by this question but has been asked it thousand of times before by others who have come from all over to meet him. I can imigine that he will never get use to given anyone a time on their life. He cleared his throat and looked me straight in the eyes. He, like every doctor I asked this question to, could not give me any guarantees and told me my cancer is advanced. But what he did say is that if I keep up all that I am doing I could live many more years. The goal is to keep myself alive until a new treatment to cure this disease comes and every minute it gets closer.
At the end of the consult Dr. Kvols gave me a big hug. He then walked out to the waiting room and introduced himself to my boys. He told them to take care of me and to learn from me. I'm not sure what he meant by that but I hope they learn from my will to live everyday for them.
We will make another appointment after the holidays.
Sunny
The real reason for our trip to Tampa was to get more information on my cancer and see about some new clinical trails that I had researched. I had read many articles about Dr. Kvols and was interested in his knowledge about this rare and complicated cancer. With our medical bills pile raising I was unsure if the benefits of seeing him would out way the expense. Then a few months ago I received an email from one of my carcinoid cancer posse, Bob Paver, who highly recommended that I try to get an appointment with Dr. Kvols or Dr. Warner in New York. Bob found my blog when he was doing research for his on carcinoid cancer and felt the urge to reach out to me about his positive experience. This is what I mean when I write about how God puts people in your life just when you need them.
As I was driving over to the west coast through miles and miles of orange groves, I thought about how unselfish it was of Bob to contact me. It is just a true example how we are all in this together. Life with cancer is not just about the individual themselves. It's about all of us reaching out and helping each other. Looking at the bigger picture of this disease can do so much more then just thinking about your own suffering. I don't know if I am explaining myself clearly, perhaps just saying we are all in this together. Spread your wealth of knowledge to others and share your experience to benefit others. That is one of the purposes of my blog but it was actually turned into so much more.
We arrived at Moffit Cancer Center right on time which is actually early for Mark and the boys. After getting the boys set up in the waiting room with their missed school work and portable game systems we checked in. Everyone was so pleasant and positive. The records that I had sent three times were MIA so I started to panic for fear that this whole trip was a waste. After stressing my concern and begging for them to look everywhere because I knew that they were sent the records turned up. To the nurse's surprise, but not mine, there was a box full. Unfortunately because of the mix up Dr. Kvols did not have enough time to read the mounds of records. So instead he spent a considerably amount of time listening to me go over my history with this disease. He listened with such interested and did not rush me a bit. This just amazed me because he is one of the most knowledgeable doctor in the US about carcinoid cancer and he listen like this was the first time he heard this cancer story. He then gave us all his knowledge about the disease and explained things to me that I had always wondered. Just when I thought I had read, researched and learned everything there is to know about this monster growing inside me, there was more to learn.
After I was done he examined me and asked me all about the symptoms I have or had. Then we went into a conference room while he took some time to review all the scans I have had in the past year and half. After some time he came in and went over everything and every option he sees for me. He did not have any clinical trails that I would be illegible for, because of my advancement, but believes that I am doing everything right. He could not give me a formal recommendation until he reads over my box of records. However, he did give an informal:
1. Continue on the Afinator and Stando because he believes that I will see some stability with that drug. In some cases he has even seen shrinkage. But in my case stability is what we will hope for.
2. Next step in the next few months would be to add another drug that has been proven to work along with Afinator. He wants to save that option until we see what the Afinator would do.
3. The last option would be to go back to Switzerland to receive my last two treatments. He suggested that I hold off until we see what the Afinator will do.
He gave me other suggestions but like I said he needs to go over all my records to see if they will actually be my options. The formal report should be finished quickly. What he did confirm was that I am doing everything I can do and not leaving any stone unturned. He told me to not give up and keep on fighting. He stressed that everyday new treatments are being thought of. In fact, I found that with the FDA approval of Afinator just this May. He was so passionate about this cancer and finding ways to keep carcinoid patients alive.
Finally I asked the million dollar question, "How long do you think I can live with this cancer?" I could tell he was a little uncomfortable by this question but has been asked it thousand of times before by others who have come from all over to meet him. I can imigine that he will never get use to given anyone a time on their life. He cleared his throat and looked me straight in the eyes. He, like every doctor I asked this question to, could not give me any guarantees and told me my cancer is advanced. But what he did say is that if I keep up all that I am doing I could live many more years. The goal is to keep myself alive until a new treatment to cure this disease comes and every minute it gets closer.
At the end of the consult Dr. Kvols gave me a big hug. He then walked out to the waiting room and introduced himself to my boys. He told them to take care of me and to learn from me. I'm not sure what he meant by that but I hope they learn from my will to live everyday for them.
We will make another appointment after the holidays.
Sunny
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Sunrise
It is no secret to anyone who knows me, especially Mark and the boys, that I love sunrises. Every morning when I am in Vero Beach, FL I awake well before 6 am to guarantee I am at the beach, camera in hand, plopped on my blanket ready for the magnificent site of a new day starting. I start my recruiting the night before to see who will trug along with me. Since my walking as been a bit shaky lately and my leg pain has increased Mark has made me promise to not go to the beach alone when it is still dark. However, I did sneak out one day this week and it was well worth the argument when I got back. There is not a moment more peaceful then sitting on a beach when it is still slightly dark waiting for one of the most amazing sites that God has given us. It's as if you are in your on world and He is given you your own personal performance. To say the least it is one of those breath taking moments that I have talked about.
Today's sunrise like everyday's was amazing. After trying hard to wake anyone to come along and getting several roll overs and no answers I almost gave up and went back to bed. Then as I was putting away my favorite hoodie my thirteen year old come yawning down the steps. He rubbed his eyes and said, "Mom can I have a turn to go with you?". Austen has never volunteered nor ever wanted to get up at 5:30 in morning to go sit on the beach with his mother. I was in complete shock but pleasantly surprised when he asked. Of course I took him up on it. I explained to him that it takes about 35 minutes for the sun to completely hit the sky and that I like to watch the whole thing. He said he understood and still wanted to come. So I wasn't going to push it anymore and rushed him out the door.
As we sat on the beach in the dark waiting for a glimpse of color Austen asked me why I enjoy this. I really did not know how to answer his question without him thinking I was being nerdy or just emotional Mom. As things go, lately everything I do or say to him is "just not cool". So I tried to explain it in his terms. I explained to him that seeing a sunrise reminds me that no matter how hard the day before was a new day is coming. The sun will always rise again no matter how many problems or battles you have. I basically told him that there is always a new day to look forward to and watching the sun greet the day reminds me of that. There is no better way to see faith and hope then in a sunrise. He shook his head so I think he was getting what I was saying.
As we sat on the blanket we talked about all kinds of things. Almost like what we use to do a few years ago. We just caught up with each other. I knew that God had a hand in him waking up today. We really needed this reconnection. The sun slowly started pushing it's way up over the ocean. Austen then looked at the sky and saw all the amazing colors. All he could say was, "Wow". I started snapping my shots and he asked if he could take a few. I set the camera and handed it off to him. He just started snapping like me.....but differently. He really enjoyed himself. Logan and especially Nolan have been my sunrise buddies several times. Each one enjoying the morning differently. Now Austen can be added to the list.
Right before the sun made it's final destination to the sky Austen mumbled behind the camera lens, "Mom, I see why you do this every morning. This is so deep". He handed me the camera and sat down on the blanket to see the last few minutes of the amazing colored sky. I did not say a word because I wanted him to feel the peace that I feel when I am alone and in the zone. After the colors where gone we both got up and started to walk. He could tell I was in some pain so he grab my arm. As we walked up the beach to the walkway a morning jogger passed us. I made a comment about how that use to be me a year ago and how I miss being able to do that. He then said, "but you did not notice the sunrise then....like you do now Mom". I felt like kicking myself. I just got finish showing him one of God's miracles and I sounded as if I lost faith. He then added, "Mom you are so tough. Don't worry about that stupid stuff." I then realized he sounds like me.
Just another moment that shows "The Good In Cancer".
Sunny
Today's sunrise like everyday's was amazing. After trying hard to wake anyone to come along and getting several roll overs and no answers I almost gave up and went back to bed. Then as I was putting away my favorite hoodie my thirteen year old come yawning down the steps. He rubbed his eyes and said, "Mom can I have a turn to go with you?". Austen has never volunteered nor ever wanted to get up at 5:30 in morning to go sit on the beach with his mother. I was in complete shock but pleasantly surprised when he asked. Of course I took him up on it. I explained to him that it takes about 35 minutes for the sun to completely hit the sky and that I like to watch the whole thing. He said he understood and still wanted to come. So I wasn't going to push it anymore and rushed him out the door.
As we sat on the beach in the dark waiting for a glimpse of color Austen asked me why I enjoy this. I really did not know how to answer his question without him thinking I was being nerdy or just emotional Mom. As things go, lately everything I do or say to him is "just not cool". So I tried to explain it in his terms. I explained to him that seeing a sunrise reminds me that no matter how hard the day before was a new day is coming. The sun will always rise again no matter how many problems or battles you have. I basically told him that there is always a new day to look forward to and watching the sun greet the day reminds me of that. There is no better way to see faith and hope then in a sunrise. He shook his head so I think he was getting what I was saying.
As we sat on the blanket we talked about all kinds of things. Almost like what we use to do a few years ago. We just caught up with each other. I knew that God had a hand in him waking up today. We really needed this reconnection. The sun slowly started pushing it's way up over the ocean. Austen then looked at the sky and saw all the amazing colors. All he could say was, "Wow". I started snapping my shots and he asked if he could take a few. I set the camera and handed it off to him. He just started snapping like me.....but differently. He really enjoyed himself. Logan and especially Nolan have been my sunrise buddies several times. Each one enjoying the morning differently. Now Austen can be added to the list.
Right before the sun made it's final destination to the sky Austen mumbled behind the camera lens, "Mom, I see why you do this every morning. This is so deep". He handed me the camera and sat down on the blanket to see the last few minutes of the amazing colored sky. I did not say a word because I wanted him to feel the peace that I feel when I am alone and in the zone. After the colors where gone we both got up and started to walk. He could tell I was in some pain so he grab my arm. As we walked up the beach to the walkway a morning jogger passed us. I made a comment about how that use to be me a year ago and how I miss being able to do that. He then said, "but you did not notice the sunrise then....like you do now Mom". I felt like kicking myself. I just got finish showing him one of God's miracles and I sounded as if I lost faith. He then added, "Mom you are so tough. Don't worry about that stupid stuff." I then realized he sounds like me.
Just another moment that shows "The Good In Cancer".
Sunny
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
The Trip
We are so blessed to have the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving in the Sunshine state of Florida year after year with my family. Unlike most we now enjoy the 20 hour drive just as much as we enjoy our time on the beach. Being trapped in a SUV forces us to focus on spending some quality time with each as well as enjoy the sites on the way. Now that the boys are getting older they do more sleeping then anything else, even more then the "he's looking out my window" arguments. One thing that we do have that I think is so special, but the boys would be so embarrassed that I mention, is our love for the same music. We have a secret love for some of the same artists and bands which we love to crank up and sing too. I say secret because the boys don't want to admit they actually like the same music as their parents. Of course we each have our favorite type of music but some that are amongst the favorite are U2, Alman Brothers, The Beach Boys, Grateful Dead, Bruce Springsteen and so many more. With the cancer stress and anxiety in our lives music has always been our refuge. Our group is not anything anyone wants to hear nor would my boys ever admit they enjoy actually singing with their family in the car, but to us it is what connects us.
As Mark and the boys belted off U2's finest, "It's a Beautiful Day", I could not help but think what a beautiful day and everyday is if you make the choice to live it to the fullest. The drive to Florida is like second nature to me. I have been on this route at least twice a year ever since I was a little girl. Florida was my father's haven and wanted it to be a haven for his children too. Each road stop, mountain stop or tourist trap have some kind of fun memory. I can still hear my father presence when we drive through the West Virgina and Virgina mountains that he loved so much. His words, "this is heaven on earth", still ring in my head every time we hit that spot on the trip. In fact, I even repeated it to the boys this time. They gave me the same reaction I gave my dad, "you got to be kidding me. This is all heaven has?". But now I get what he was saying. This whole experience is pure pleasure if you let it be.
As I sat in the front seat and looked out to the most amazing sky I realized that just two years ago I was wishing I was almost to our destination. I did not know then what cancer was going to teach me now. In fact I remember that each of us had our own headset playing our music of choice while we tried to block out Mark's 80's rock. The only communication we would have with each other would be them asking me to pass them some food, them asking Mark the famous, "how much longer?" question, or an occasional "he's touching me". Now we actually talk about things. Things that matter, things that don't matter, or the beauty of the sites. We even nicknamed our youngest "Cliff Claven" because he gives us some odd fact every hour or so. He is so funny when he is trying to be serious. He is Mark all over. It sounds like this car ride is a perfect "Hallmark" movie special. Well I will tell you it's not anywhere near perfect. However, to me it's "heaven on earth".
After the song ended Mark turned down the stereo a little before the next track began. He reached over and grab my hand. He could see that I was not feeling well and he told me that he would pull over when I needed him to. I told him that I was perfect and that I am enjoying every minute of this day. He assured me that he was not rushing and we can take our time to get to Vero. In my joking manner but I was truly serious I said, "let's take our time forever. When you have what I have there is no need to rush to get where I am going." Unaware that Logan, my middle son, was listen we heard him chime in. With a very low tone, so low we could hardly hear him he whispered, "I wish I could stop time for you Mom". Although that moment was precious it was broken with his older brothers comment calling him a dork. Then a shutup followed and a you shut up after that. That is when we knew that life was normal again. Realizing how special simple times are is a gift that cancer has given me. Another "GOOD" in cancer I found just riding in a car.
Sunny
P.S. Along with spending Thanksgiving with my family, this trip was also planned to fight this incurable cancer. Next week I will be seeing another carcinoid cancer guru in Tampa FL. Please keep me in your prayers.
As Mark and the boys belted off U2's finest, "It's a Beautiful Day", I could not help but think what a beautiful day and everyday is if you make the choice to live it to the fullest. The drive to Florida is like second nature to me. I have been on this route at least twice a year ever since I was a little girl. Florida was my father's haven and wanted it to be a haven for his children too. Each road stop, mountain stop or tourist trap have some kind of fun memory. I can still hear my father presence when we drive through the West Virgina and Virgina mountains that he loved so much. His words, "this is heaven on earth", still ring in my head every time we hit that spot on the trip. In fact, I even repeated it to the boys this time. They gave me the same reaction I gave my dad, "you got to be kidding me. This is all heaven has?". But now I get what he was saying. This whole experience is pure pleasure if you let it be.
As I sat in the front seat and looked out to the most amazing sky I realized that just two years ago I was wishing I was almost to our destination. I did not know then what cancer was going to teach me now. In fact I remember that each of us had our own headset playing our music of choice while we tried to block out Mark's 80's rock. The only communication we would have with each other would be them asking me to pass them some food, them asking Mark the famous, "how much longer?" question, or an occasional "he's touching me". Now we actually talk about things. Things that matter, things that don't matter, or the beauty of the sites. We even nicknamed our youngest "Cliff Claven" because he gives us some odd fact every hour or so. He is so funny when he is trying to be serious. He is Mark all over. It sounds like this car ride is a perfect "Hallmark" movie special. Well I will tell you it's not anywhere near perfect. However, to me it's "heaven on earth".
After the song ended Mark turned down the stereo a little before the next track began. He reached over and grab my hand. He could see that I was not feeling well and he told me that he would pull over when I needed him to. I told him that I was perfect and that I am enjoying every minute of this day. He assured me that he was not rushing and we can take our time to get to Vero. In my joking manner but I was truly serious I said, "let's take our time forever. When you have what I have there is no need to rush to get where I am going." Unaware that Logan, my middle son, was listen we heard him chime in. With a very low tone, so low we could hardly hear him he whispered, "I wish I could stop time for you Mom". Although that moment was precious it was broken with his older brothers comment calling him a dork. Then a shutup followed and a you shut up after that. That is when we knew that life was normal again. Realizing how special simple times are is a gift that cancer has given me. Another "GOOD" in cancer I found just riding in a car.
Sunny
P.S. Along with spending Thanksgiving with my family, this trip was also planned to fight this incurable cancer. Next week I will be seeing another carcinoid cancer guru in Tampa FL. Please keep me in your prayers.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Peacemaker
I have a doctors appointment today and my laptop has a virus so I am going to do a quick post before I go. I have to write today because I heard an amazing message at church yesterday and I don't want to forget it. Do you know how you wake up on a Sunday morning and find it so easy to just go back to bed instead of going to church? That is how I felt yesterday. The night before I was up with one of my boys most of the night. Yes I know they are tweens but they do have nights where they can not sleep. When your family is fighting cancer there are many sleepless nights of worry and that is when I become a mom and not a cancer patient. However, when a cancer patient does not get enough sleep their whole body shuts down. I was feeling just crappy and did not think I was going to make it to church. Although, as I laid there I just had this feeling that I needed to hear the message. So this is when I reached deep down inside me and pulled out something to get me up an going.
I tried every excuse though not to go. I thought, "if Mark and the boys fight me about church this morning, what they are wearing or slowly get ready....I am just going to give in and go back to bed." But for the first time since Mother's Day, because that day I asked to go to church without any arguments and arrive on time for my present, they just got up and got dressed. "Darn" I thought, "I guess I cannot use their behavior as an excuse not to go." We actually arrived one minute late which is about 10 minutes early for the Carney Clan. There were no arguments in the extended SUV as to where they where going to sit (which I will never understand anyways because I sat on the arm rest while my other siblings piled in a small car when I was growing up. My boys have a three rows of leather seats with headsets to watch a movie. Any seat to me in this automobile looks like luxury.) So I figured I was meant to hear Pastor Frank's message since with God's grace my family was the perfect church goers this week.
For the past eight weeks we have been studying the Beatitudes. Yesterday was, "Blessed are the peacemakers" Mathew 5:9. I sat there with one of my three boys on each side of me and decided that this message would be for them. Case in point is that even in church they need to be separated. After all, I know what a peacemaker is because I have three boys, a feisty husband and the youngest of a big family. I've been a peacemaker all my life....so I thought.
After listening more intently I learned what it really means to be a peacemaker. Being a peacemaker is more then just resolving conflict. It's about giving others actual peace when they are going through a battle that you have already experienced. It is the choice of sharing your experiences with others so that it is easier for them. God wants us to be a person who shares hope. As believers we are obligated to be an example to others and be there for others. "Two people are better than one. If one falls down the other can help them up. But it is bad for the person who is alone and falls because no one is there to help." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
I was able to somewhat understand the answer to the question that we all ask when we go through difficult times.....WHY? In my words the answer is: only God knows. I never believed that God gives us evil or hardships because of our actions in the past. But what I learned is that God may let them happen so that we can turn to him and help others turn to him. Sometimes we don't know that we need God until that's all we have left. Then with our faith we may crawl to him and he then takes over. That is when we see it is never to late to turn to God, but the earlier the better because your pain is less.
We are then to use our brokenness to help others so that they can experience your peace. I have always said that is what I wanted to do with this blog. I want others to learn from what took me so long to learn. It may be with different treatments, new information on this rare cancer I have found or my experiences through this journey. Or I may just inspire one or two of my blog family to not give in to there burdens or give up. Whatever we all are going through it is tough and I want others to have peace. After all, everyone has there own cancers.
Sunny
I tried every excuse though not to go. I thought, "if Mark and the boys fight me about church this morning, what they are wearing or slowly get ready....I am just going to give in and go back to bed." But for the first time since Mother's Day, because that day I asked to go to church without any arguments and arrive on time for my present, they just got up and got dressed. "Darn" I thought, "I guess I cannot use their behavior as an excuse not to go." We actually arrived one minute late which is about 10 minutes early for the Carney Clan. There were no arguments in the extended SUV as to where they where going to sit (which I will never understand anyways because I sat on the arm rest while my other siblings piled in a small car when I was growing up. My boys have a three rows of leather seats with headsets to watch a movie. Any seat to me in this automobile looks like luxury.) So I figured I was meant to hear Pastor Frank's message since with God's grace my family was the perfect church goers this week.
For the past eight weeks we have been studying the Beatitudes. Yesterday was, "Blessed are the peacemakers" Mathew 5:9. I sat there with one of my three boys on each side of me and decided that this message would be for them. Case in point is that even in church they need to be separated. After all, I know what a peacemaker is because I have three boys, a feisty husband and the youngest of a big family. I've been a peacemaker all my life....so I thought.
After listening more intently I learned what it really means to be a peacemaker. Being a peacemaker is more then just resolving conflict. It's about giving others actual peace when they are going through a battle that you have already experienced. It is the choice of sharing your experiences with others so that it is easier for them. God wants us to be a person who shares hope. As believers we are obligated to be an example to others and be there for others. "Two people are better than one. If one falls down the other can help them up. But it is bad for the person who is alone and falls because no one is there to help." Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
I was able to somewhat understand the answer to the question that we all ask when we go through difficult times.....WHY? In my words the answer is: only God knows. I never believed that God gives us evil or hardships because of our actions in the past. But what I learned is that God may let them happen so that we can turn to him and help others turn to him. Sometimes we don't know that we need God until that's all we have left. Then with our faith we may crawl to him and he then takes over. That is when we see it is never to late to turn to God, but the earlier the better because your pain is less.
We are then to use our brokenness to help others so that they can experience your peace. I have always said that is what I wanted to do with this blog. I want others to learn from what took me so long to learn. It may be with different treatments, new information on this rare cancer I have found or my experiences through this journey. Or I may just inspire one or two of my blog family to not give in to there burdens or give up. Whatever we all are going through it is tough and I want others to have peace. After all, everyone has there own cancers.
Sunny
Friday, November 13, 2009
Two blogs in a row
So I have to make up for some missing blogs according to my cancer posse. I can not believe how yesterday's blog got so much attention. First, I will confirm I will NEVER give up. I have six little blues eyes watching every way I handle this journey. I made a promise to them and their dad that I will fight as long as God wants me too. However, I guess I needed a reminder of that promise I made. And when I saw two out of the six eyes full of fear and tears I knew that my example was not the best.
One particular email I received today stood out. It was from a cancer survivor that reads my blog. She is waiting for results from a biopsy that her son just had and she is fearful of the outcome. She said that she needs to know the Sunny side of waiting. It brought me back to when waiting for results would overcome my life. I use to pace and pace for days carrying my phone around with me everywhere I went just in case the doctor called. I don't do that anymore. I don't let it consume me because I realized that would mean that the cancer is winning. It is affected me both physically and mentally, which is giving it more power then it deserves.
After reading her amazing email I thought about what I could say to her to let her anxieties not take over her life. All that came to my mind was have faith. Faith that whatever the outcome may be you are not alone. Worry about what you can control and let God handle the rest. When you offer it up to him you get a whole new sense of peace. A peace that I have never felt until I decided to give it to Him and let Him take a hold of the wheel. Let go of trying to control the situation and let God do what he has promised us he will do. Do what ever you are able to do to help the situation then let go of the worry. Sounds easy right! Well it is.
I try very hard to live up to what I say. But there has been times when I catch myself trying to play God and control a situation. The famous comment someone says to you when you are finding things difficult is "God never gives you what you can not handle". Well there are times when I wish God would stop thinking so highly of me. Faith that I can handle what ever comes my way is what gives me the strength to hold on. Having true faith means you no longer need to have a sense of control over things that our out of your control. You lose worry and gain the greatest sense of strength and calmness.
There are times when I just feel like becoming a turtle and crawling in my shell. I have also had times when I thought it would be a lot easier if I just take a break from the fight for a while. I have become tired and weary so I just want to sleep. But I refuse to lose my faith. Faith gives me the courage to let go and see what God can do. I am not saying that because I have faith God will give me a miracle and cure me. However, I do believe it could happen. But my faith is more simple then that. It is knowing that while I am climbing this mountain God is right next to me holding my hand. I have seen some amazing things happen because of letting go and letting God take a hold of the situation. And when I feel that faith falling I then pray and it God puts someone in my life to bring it back. Yesterday it was Mark. Today it was all the emails, text messages and phone calls I received.
Sunny
One particular email I received today stood out. It was from a cancer survivor that reads my blog. She is waiting for results from a biopsy that her son just had and she is fearful of the outcome. She said that she needs to know the Sunny side of waiting. It brought me back to when waiting for results would overcome my life. I use to pace and pace for days carrying my phone around with me everywhere I went just in case the doctor called. I don't do that anymore. I don't let it consume me because I realized that would mean that the cancer is winning. It is affected me both physically and mentally, which is giving it more power then it deserves.
After reading her amazing email I thought about what I could say to her to let her anxieties not take over her life. All that came to my mind was have faith. Faith that whatever the outcome may be you are not alone. Worry about what you can control and let God handle the rest. When you offer it up to him you get a whole new sense of peace. A peace that I have never felt until I decided to give it to Him and let Him take a hold of the wheel. Let go of trying to control the situation and let God do what he has promised us he will do. Do what ever you are able to do to help the situation then let go of the worry. Sounds easy right! Well it is.
I try very hard to live up to what I say. But there has been times when I catch myself trying to play God and control a situation. The famous comment someone says to you when you are finding things difficult is "God never gives you what you can not handle". Well there are times when I wish God would stop thinking so highly of me. Faith that I can handle what ever comes my way is what gives me the strength to hold on. Having true faith means you no longer need to have a sense of control over things that our out of your control. You lose worry and gain the greatest sense of strength and calmness.
There are times when I just feel like becoming a turtle and crawling in my shell. I have also had times when I thought it would be a lot easier if I just take a break from the fight for a while. I have become tired and weary so I just want to sleep. But I refuse to lose my faith. Faith gives me the courage to let go and see what God can do. I am not saying that because I have faith God will give me a miracle and cure me. However, I do believe it could happen. But my faith is more simple then that. It is knowing that while I am climbing this mountain God is right next to me holding my hand. I have seen some amazing things happen because of letting go and letting God take a hold of the situation. And when I feel that faith falling I then pray and it God puts someone in my life to bring it back. Yesterday it was Mark. Today it was all the emails, text messages and phone calls I received.
Sunny
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