What to say????

After reading Mark's blog from the other day I am speechless. I did not know how wonderful his memories are of Basel, Switzerland. I never like to talk about it with him because I really thought that it was a time he would not want to rehash. He seemed so scared and helpless when I was undergoing these experimental treatments. I remember his anxiety as we boarding the plain from Phili to Germany. I was exhausted, in pain and sick to my stomach yet I was so worried he was going to have a complet break down. At least that is what I thought at the time, only to learn just the other day he in awe of me. When the subject of our adventure comes up I always see his eyes start to water up so I immediately change the subject. I thought it was because of sadness and fear but now realize those eyes were full of love. Unfortunately, I never let myself see our trips through his eyes so I am so glad he wrote the last post.



He is correct when he says I don't like to remember our trips or the treatments that I underwent while in Basel. I do talk about our experiences but only to other carcinoid patients that call me for information and want to know what it is all about. But I don't like to relive it with anyone else. I don't see myself back then like Mark sees me. I see myself as a sick, insecure, fragile person. I was doing what I needed to do to get through a very hard time. I was really just trying to make the best of a very hard situation. Actually, when I think about it I was truly searching for some happiness and peace. That is why I was dragging Mark all over the Alps while vomiting in several plastic bags. I needed to find any good in the situation we were in. Never did I realizes that Mark was just satisfied being with me.

Mark wrote about my photographs. I have not looked at them since we got back and I loaded them in the computer. I am thinking that maybe when I am ready I will sit down with Mark and we will enjoy our memories together. After all, I am alive one year longer then any doctor here in the United States predicted.

Sunny

Time-Our Most Precious Commodity

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of Sunny's second treatment in Basel. Not the exact date mind you, but the Monday preceding March Madness 2009 we were in Switzerland , Sunny confined to her room, quarantined like a Chernobyl victim , and I, holed up in the room or the bar at the HiltonBasel. To this day,she is not one who looks back on the two trips at all other to acknowledge that they certainly were worth the efforts, as the Iridium 90 by all accounts has slowed the pace of the cancer. She is not one who looks back on those two trips as anything other than a necessary step to stay alive, not a positive experience, nor one that she cares to talk about, be reminded of, or care to recall. It is not surprising that when I pointed out what Monday was and offered to do a blog , she was more than happy to let me reflect on what the last year has meant, and in order to do so , obviously revisit our time in Basel.

As I write this I wonder if she is going to be comfortable even having this blog published. Basel was a step along the cancer journey and I can understand her uneasiness in recollecting or reflecting back on the two treatments there, and more specifically the anniversary of her most recent one. The same emotions stir inside when she goes back to Presby/Montifiore here in Pittsburgh and is faced with the memories of the chemo-immobilizations preformed there (and by coincidence what could ultimately be our final visit with the liver specialist Dr. Gamblin was yesterday , but more on that to come....)or the same emotions stir when she walks by the kiosk at Hillman. For Dr. Christie who performed the lung surgery years ago and by coincidence is directly across the hall from Dr. Friedland's team and offices....the emotions are strong....we have talked about them....we share them....of course understandably hers are infinitely more intense than mine...these doctors all did their jobs...the lung surgery was deemed a success, the liver treatments as of the scan done just yesterday continue to be what we are all looking at and the Octreotide Scans show that Basel did what it was supposed to do. That is all irrelevant....when you have to look around the waiting room and see the faces of cancer, of advanced cancer staring back....you get angry....then you get angry for being insensitive....you are angry for letting yourself get angry...you wonder why your wife...or in Sunny's case why me? The memories come flooding back and if you let them they can overwhelm.

I have no choice but to realize that even though these memories of Basel may be difficult to revisit, that Sunny is still by my side as I reflect. We have been blessed with a year to date since that scary Swiss treatment and we all know that was never a guarantee. Even AIG wouldn't touch that one. So when I title this "short" little entry "Time-Our Most Precious Commodity", I do so not to repeat a common cliche of the late 20th century, but as a testament to my wife....and to how Sunny chooses to treat each day. She inspires me everyday and as I write this and bring back some of the moments of our time together in Basel last March, I do so not to stir up unpleasant times, but to remember how even then whether she wants to admit it or not she is a unique fighter blessed with an Irish blend of PMA and unfailing tenacity that quite frankly, if the Pittsburgh Pirates could tap into a tenth of, Pittsburgh would be truly be the City of Champions. She doesn't make excuses or look for reasons to procrastinate (although as she will attest to I try to give her outs or force rest) she grabs each day as if it were some kind of steroided beefed up super bull, yanking that big boy's horns until it squeals in defeat. She will not get beat by the clock. She will not get cheated by time. So I can share the memories of our second trip to Basel with fondness because we were together, we were close, and she was to simply put it....Sunny.

Sunny of course brought her camera. I think she knew that even though the treatment was torture that taking pictures would be a distraction. Knowing how much I love to pose for the paparazzi, she had focused on the architecture of the historic city, the people , the river, and had taken a slew of great pictures at one of the better museums during our first trip. (I have to throw out a big props to our good friend Peter, who drove down from Holland on both occasions and without whom, we would have stood out even more than we did as touristy Americans...his insight during the first trip helped us to at least not feel intimidated by the cultural differences during our second visit) But what Sunny had really taken upon herself was to capture pictures of the fronts of buildings...in particular doorways...doors...windows....gates etc...most of them were centuries old and all of them were much more colorful as compared to a typical entrance way here in the states. She was determined to put all of these Switz facades into a book that I kidded would rival Kramer's Coffee Table Book about coffee tables. She was relentless. She actually scaled a five hundred year old wall to peep over bushes to take one and as we marched through cobblestone streets on Saturday before her second treatment she must have taken hundreds of pictures of doors....Jim Morrison wasn't in as many Doors pictures as Sunny shot that afternoon as the sun dropped behind the Alps.

Those of you who read this and see her, please ask her to share with you the "Door Pics" from Basel. She hasn't looked at them since she has been back...but let me tell you they were fantastic. As I chased her through narrow twisting cobblestone streets, my feet hurting (Damn Euro trash hip shoes) and the hunger pains kicked in as our quest for a smoke free, good eats, not to crowded on a Saturday night search continued....she never stopped shooting. She was amazing. I was ready to call it a night. We had just flown from Pittsburgh to DC to Germany to Switzerland, grabbed maybe six hours of sleep, her bones in serious pain, and she wouldn't stop. Time. She kept saying she would have time to rest when she was dead. I would have chuckled, but I was too busy wheezin and geezin chasing her through those Basel Blvds and to be honest I never felt more connected with her...more in tune with what was driving her to press on.

Time. The second trip to Basel was the closest I felt to Sunny since her diagnosis. The fear of the unknown was behind us, the only ones we had to count on were the two of us. It is strange to even write this but it truly was an unbelievable privilege to know that it was just Sunny and I taking this step...of course I don't want in any means to dismiss the pain or emotions of the treatment, I can only comment that the pain for the liver treatments here was worse. At least her appearance post treatment back in da burgh was worse. I just know that we all have one timekeeper in life and he chose to have Sunny and I be in Basel...just the two of us....no other family or friends...(although I felt the prayers)...not our kids, not our intermittent cell phones or pain in the ass wireless Hilton Internet service....it was us...Rickki Lake, Sally Jesse Raphael, Judge Judy, some wacko G5 protesters in London, Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy, Clint Eastwood, and lots of bar nuts, free lobby apples, stinky ass French cheese and those wonderful Salsa Chips from Papa J's Bistro.

Last St Patricks day my wife was in a nuclear medicine ward at Hospitaal Basell..Peter and I , not able to see Sunny for 24 hours wandered through that Irish haven of Basel and actually passed the evening drinking green beer and eating "fresh Swiss sushi". Not quite Market Square and Ms. Irish Smiling Eyes. The 17th of March was just another day over there, as was March Madness...and as my week went along I pretended to care about the brackets I had filled in via the Internet Sunday night...I tried to implore my three boys to fill theirs out and email them back home....Sunny rested ten feet from me....did I realize how special TIME was with my three rug rats. I have since mentioned on numerous occasions that we should take the boys the next time...she wants no part of it...I might as well as have invited the boys to visit their mother back in the 80's ....big hair...leg warmers...neon bracelets and all.

On Friday, our last day alone together in Basel before the long trek home, I wasn't expecting much more than a quick trolley ride to one of the museums we hadn't yet visited. It was 50 degrees F....I'm sorry, it was like 10 degrees Celsuis officially and as I put my shorts on I asked Sunny what she wanted to do....she said lets tackle the zoo. Now mind you, I am all about skipping museums when possible, but it was blustery, she had just been nuked three days prior...her blood count was low enough that if a monkey farted in her general area I was going to have to punch the monkey first and then take her to the Swiss ER...

TIME. I remember to this day what she said next. "I feel bad you have to be inside all of this time, lets do something fun...how about the zoo." It was at this point I realized how nuts my wife really is. In a goodhearted way. But nuts nonetheless. TIME. We grabbed her camera and the Camcorder and left the comforts of the Hilton Basel. We hopped a train that was new, we walked, we walked and then ...there we were....Zoolistengher Gardener....the f$#%#$in Zoo....For those of you who personally know Sunny I can only tell you that no matter she may claim now about her time there...she was in heaven....Pictures of swans, hog sex, hippos in their native setting....leopards mooning us....little Swiss kids running from the big American who didn't care for their little school ground song.....Loose mice in the reptile exhibit....we laughed and laughed, and never once did she complain. She had just got nuked, and we were walking through three and a half miles of odors and animal shit without complaint. I have never been to the Pittsburgh zoo with just my wife. I live 5 miles as the crow flies from it. Its world famous. We take the kids all of the time. My favorite zoo is now in Switzerland.

I hope that none of you have to go through the battle that Sunny has...but if you do , I pray you relish the TIME with each other....don't spend it frivolously, you can never get a refund....so pray....fight the right fight..and remember your life doesn't have a DVR...so be selfish with your time..cancer or not....TIME doesn't play favorites..so just don't take it for granted..

Please keep us in your prayers...huck Sunny for those "door" pictures and I look forward to reaching out to you all the next time Sunny gives me the OK.

Mark

Yesterday I received my treatment for my bone tumor. The hunt for a vein was easy.....first stick. They slowed down the processes into the vein so that the vein would not clot or collapse like has happened times in the past. It was such a relief that everything went so smoothly.

I felt exhausted but pretty good when I got home. Mark did the evening activities with boys while I stayed home and rested. I felt really good considering I had poison running through me. Then this morning I woke up to get the kids off to school and I could not move. It literally felt like my bones where frozen. My body is aching from head to toes. All I can think is the poison eating away at every tumor.

So today will a day of rest.

Sunny

I received an email from my niece-in-law (nephew's wife) if that is a word. I is so beautiful and if I wrote it myself I could not say it any better. Today I have to go to Hillman Cancer Center to receive a treatment. I get so anxious when it's the day for this particular treatment because I don't want to go through the painful experience of vain hunting. This email came at the most perfect time because it really helped me to realize why I am doing all this and who I am doing it all for.

I
Believe...
That
just because two people argue,
It
doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't
argue,
It doesn't mean
they do love each other.

I
Believe...
That
we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends
change.

I
Believe....
That no matter how good a friend
is,
they're going to hurt
you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for
that.

I
Believe...
That true friendship continues to
grow,
even over the
longest distance.
Same
goes for true love.

I
Believe...
That you can do something in an
instant
That will give
you heartache for life.

I
Believe....
That it's taking me a long
time
To become the person
I want to be.

I

Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones
with
Loving words. It may
be the last time you see them.

I
Believe....
That you can keep going long after you think you
can't.

I
Believe....
That we are responsible for
what
We do, no matter how
we feel.

I
Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls
you.

I
Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs
to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I
Believe....
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing
and have the best time.

I
Believe....
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when
you're down
will be the
ones to help you get back up.

I
Believe...
That sometimes when I'm
angry
I have the right to
be angry,
But that
doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I
Believe....
That maturity has more to do with what types of
experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do
with how many
birthdays you've
celebrated.

I
Believe....
That it isn't always
enough,
to be forgiven by
others.
Sometimes,
you have to learn to forgive yourself..

I
Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is
broken
the
world doesn't stop for your grief.

I

Believe....

That our background and

circumstances
may have
influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we
become.

I
Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to
find
Out a secret. It
could change your life Forever.

I
Believe....
Two people can look at the exact
same
Thing and see
something totally different.

I
Believe....
That your life can be changed in a matter
of
Hours by people who
don't even know you.

I
Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to
give,
When a friend cries
out to you -
you will
find the strength to help.

I
Believe...
That credentials on the
wall
do not make you a
decent human
being.

I
Believe...
That the people you care about most in
life
are taken from you
too soon.

I decided to print out two copies of the above and hang one on my boys bathroom mirror for them to read and put one in my Bible. Thanks Dawn for the email.

Sunny

Walking with God

I would rather walk with God in the dark then go alone in the light. Mary Gardiner Brainar

I pray everyday. I receive peace when I pray. However these past couple of weeks I seem to be praying a lot harder, more often and with more passion. Why the change? Because I need more from God right now. When I read this quote, which was emailed to me by my friend Maria, it got me thinking about my walk with God.

I consider myself a Christian; a good Christian. However, I get very frustrated with myself because I seem to be a better Christian in dark times. I know that this quote means more then just turning to God when times are tough but for me, one who tries to always walk with Him, it touched more on how to improve my walk with Him.

In my daily walk with Him I don't ask him to cure me every time I pray. One might think that is strange when you are fighting terminal cancer. I've asked Him once when I first relapsed and I remind Him every once in a while. The rest of the time I trust in Him to do what He needs to do to help me through this journey. On the other hand, when I have a loved one needing prayers or I am suffering from this cancer more then usual I pray harder. That bothers me. I want to walk with God everyday with passion. I want to be a better Christian in both the darkness and the light.

So that is my ambition for today and something I want to work for always.

Sunny

Shannon

I am going to forgo my inspirational quote today to honor one of my Carcinoid Posse who lost her life on February 10th, Shannon "The Warrior" Mudd.

Shannon is a 17 year old teenager who was diagnosed with Carcinoid Cancer in September 2009. On October 30th I was craving pumpkins with the boys when I received a phone call from Shannon's mother Angela. She introduced herself then in quest to help her daughter battle this cancer she started grilling me for any information she could get out of me about this disease. Being a mother myself I just felt so overwhelmed with grief for Angela and eager in anyway I could to help her. Since then Angela and I kept in touch and exchanged all the information our research could dig up. I then started corresponding with Shannon and saw right away why her nickname was "The Warrior". She was a fighter and had hope.

Unfortunately, circumstances took her life but her legacy goes on forever. I want to go on writing to honor her and her battle but my heart is aching. I have to add however, I truly hate this cancer and in the name of Shannon and all my other Carcinoid Posse who have gone on I am determine to make this rare cancer become known.

God bless Shannon angel. Please keep her family in your prayers tonight.

Sunny

Angela: Death leaves heartache no one can heal, love leaves memory no one can steal.
May you one day find peace in your daughters memory and love.

Ask for Strength

Don’t ask for an easier life. Ask to be a stronger person.

How many times have you asked God to make your life easier? I know that for me it's been more then I want to admit. Even those who claim to be well educated Christians ask God to take away some of their obstacles or problems. However, some of God's greatest gifts to us our the troubles that come our way. He is the most powerful of all powers so if it is his will he could give you a life without any adversities. He can change your life for the better in an instants. However that is not what He has promised us.

What he has promised us is that He will never leave our side when we turn to Him. He will carry us through times when we feel we can no longer walk. He will give us the strength we need to get through the impossible and make it possible. All we need to do is trust in him and ask him for strength. There is no need to ask him to make things easier, because if we have the strength given to us by God we can climb the highest mountain and fight the hardest fight.

Throughout my cancer adventure I could count hundreds of times when I did not think I could get through another day. Although those seconds of thoughts have been changed quickly by the strength that I have asked God to give me. Every treatment, every scan, every nasty medicine, every injection I give myself, every pain I have, every medical bill I can not pay and every time I hear one of my loved ones cry because of my cancer are times that I wish would just go away. However, I know that my trust in God is what gets me through them. And when those times come, I close my eyes and pray:

"God give me the strength to overcome this roadblock. Help me make what seems to be impossible become possible. Let me be an example to others by showing them the gifts that I have received from my cancer. Please Lord give me your strength."

Don't ask for an easier life. Ask to be a stronger person.

Sunny

Be Better not Bitter

Okay, I am sorry for the delay in posts. Thank you for all the emails, phone calls and cards. As much as I tried to hide the affects that this cancer takes on me it becomes difficult to do so with my fellow blog readers. Yes at times the lack of posts means I am a little under the weather, and I don't mean the 3 or more feet of snow we here in Pittsburgh have gotten in the past two weeks. Sometimes I try really hard to convince myself, and those around me, that I am not sick. I actually will say things aloud like I have a case of the flu or got hit with a virus when I feel sick to my stomach or fatigue. The best according to Mark is when the pain from the bone lesions flare up and I say that I pulled a muscle or two. As much as I am open and willing to talk about my cancer, I still have trouble accepting that I am afflicted with it. It's like I compartmentalize it and when my normal life is interrupted by my cancer life then I am faced with accepting it. I sometimes feel like I am Sunny the mom, wife, friend, aunt, sister, business owner and also the Sunny with cancer. Like two different people in one life. I am not crazy or suffering from split personalities but I think that many cancer patients feel this way. We try to stuff the cancer side of us and not let it interfer with the normal side of us.


For the past few weeks I have been reminded that I have a serious life threatening cancer. It sucks. I have been trying to spend the time that I am up and able to get around with the boys. It's hard to keep a normal family life when the glue to the family is fighting cancer. So I realize that as hard as it is at times I must always put them first even before my own recovery. So on days when I feel like I cannot lift my head off the pillow, I get up. On days when the pain is so bad that I bite in a wash cloth so they don't hear me scream, I force myself to put a smile on my face and go to their activities. I do homework with them, watch them play their sports, listen to them play their music and make everything that is important to them become important to me. Through doing that I have realized I probably would not fight this fight so hard if they were not part of my life. They inspire me to get up when I feel like I cannot.


With all that said I have decided to be inspired also by all the concerned emails, phone calls and letters I have gotten and post a week of inspirational quotes that have come with them. I did this a while back and it really picked me up and actually got me feeling better. The first one is as follows:

"The difficulties of life are intended to make us better not bitter".

This was found in a fortune cookie by my friend Karen. She emailed it to me the other day and said when she read it she thought of me. I am hoping because I am not bitter and she sees it is the way I try to get through my cancer journey.

My cancer has taken a tool on me physically to say the least. There are so many things in my life that I have taken for granted. The simple task of walking up stairs use to be no brainer, in fact I use to run bleachers as a form of exercise. Now I get to the bottom, take a deep breath and struggle up. Even sleeping at times is a painful act. But what this cancer has taught me is far more valuable then any physical disability it has given me.

I have become more compassionate, more courageous, more patient, more loving, more humble and kinder because of this cancer. I have learned that people are amazing and I could not survive without their support. I have found a strength in me that I never imagined I had deep inside. Without even knowing it I have taught my children what it means to never give up and if you work hard enough you can achieve whatever you want.....even life. I have taught Mark that love is more powerful then any evil that you may come across. And that nothing you love is worth losing because it to hard to keep.


The changes in my life have been incredible since cancer has struck me. I have no time to be "Bitter". I am enjoying being "Better".

"The difficulties of life are intended to make us better not bitter".

Sunny

Where to start???

First thank you everyone for all your phone calls and emails. The past two weeks have been a bit of a challenge for me. First the new treatments have been kicking my butt to say the least. I can go into details but I will spare you all from that. Once I started to feel a little on the up swing I then caught some kind of stomach virus which spread through out my home with the boys. For the boys it was a 24 hour thing but for me it turned into about 4 to 5 days in bed. The chemo has dropped my ability to rebound from a virus of sorts. Not to mention the several feet of snow that Pittsburgh has been hit with. Yesterday was the first day back to school for the boys in a week.

The past few days I have been feeling better and better everyday. I am still exhausted but I am thinking that is normal for what I am going through.

I will be posting regularly again. I am thinking we need another week of motivation. What do you think?

Start sending your quotes.

Sunny

Faithfully Giving

It's been almost a month now since my January 3rd post where I challenged everyone to start consciously giving. I love hearing stories about how amazing it feels to go out of your way to make someone else happy. It seems through the stories that the simplest acts of kindness has brought the most rewards to others. I have been touched the most by those who have told me anonymous act of kindness and how wonderful they felt after it.

Having cancer in the bones and liver I am often in relentless pain. I have learned to refocus my mind most of the time to relieve most of the pain but there are times when it can be so intense that nothing I do can even take the edge off. Once the pain starts to go out off control it can take me days sometimes weeks to get it back in control. However this month several times I began to notice that whenever I turned my thoughts to others instead of dwelling on myself, I experienced an incredible sense of control over my circumstances and pain. I even noticed that recently my entire well-being has improved. I have been laughing more and making others laugh more. I have had several occasions this month when I have laughed until actual tears have streamed down my face.

One of the most difficult aspects of living with cancer in the bones is the immense pain in the morning. It almost always wakes me up before the sun is up. Starting my day I try everything to function somewhat normally before the kids get up so I can get them out the door for school. I usually wake Mark up because I am in such agony just trying to get in a hot shower. Sometimes he hears me crying from the pain and he jumps out of bed hoping that something he could do will shut me up. At least once a week he is awaken by the sound of a bottle of pain meds hitting the floor because my hands are so weak I can not even open the child safety lid; my crazy Irish temper thinks that slamming them on my bedroom's hardwood floor will do the trick. So I decided to try something at night to see if my mornings go smoother. Before turning in each night I write down a name of someone I want to do something nice for. I then start to think of something I could do for that person. It might be as simple as call someone I have not spoken to in awhile, say a long prayer for someone, send someone an email telling them how special they are or even buying someone a gift. Just the other day, Mark said to me, "Sun, I have noticed you have been sleeping in until it's time to get Austen up. How is your pain been in the morning? Are you taking something different?" Sleeping until 6:20 A.M. is huge in for me. That is when I realized that just thinking about giving has improved my life and that this challenge is changing me.

Last Monday I had an appointment for the second try with my treatment. I mentioned my new found approach of living positive with cancer to one of my favorite nurses. She too is a cancer survivor. She told me that my discovery was supported by both The Word of God and medical science. She explained to me that doing for others releases endorphins which are the body's natural painkillers. When your mood is good and you are happy the endorphins help your pain. Studies have actually proved that volunteers, devoted givers and those that dedicate their lives to helping others lead happier, healthier and longer lives. She continued to tell me that is why when she went in to remission and decided to come back to work she requested this department. She gave me a big hug and whisper in my ear, "every time you are here your attitude changes me. You are a gift to me." Her kind words helped me relax and the needle finally went in one of my veins. An example of the circle of given.

Since I realized that giving is not just benefiting those receiving, but has really changed my cancer journey I have been feeling better. I have not taken a strong pain medication in at least three weeks. I can go all day with just one morning 600 mg of Ibuprofen. I have come to understand through my silly project I have changed my battle into a life of happiness. I am going to continue this little project because it is not a challenge anymore but a great way of living.

Keep giving,
Sunny

Side Story

This past Friday was a prime example of how this project works. I was horribly sick during the day and once again started to climb the mountain of pain. My mood started to go down and I just felt plain old yucky from the treatments I received earlier in the week. I made up my mind that I was going to skip Austen's basketball game, skip the get together with friends afterwards and just go to bed as soon as my home full of people cleared out. That morning before Austen left for school I told him I would not be going to the game because the new treatment was just kicking my butt. He looked at me with his great big blue eyes and said, "Mom if you don't give to anyone today you may have to give to me and come anyways. Otherwise you will have to start all over on your project". He's been hearing about my project all month and I was surprised it took him this long to use it against me. I spent most of the day feeling sorry for myself and moping around. Yes, I do that sometimes. Then at about 2:45 the phone rang and it was Austen's school on the caller ID. After hardly saying hello I heard my teenage boy on the other end laughing. He said to me, "Mom did you give today?" Not letting me answer, "If not I will see you in about an hour" and click went the call. So of course I got dressed, tried to make myself look like I am not fighting for my life and off I went with Mark and my other boys to the game. After the game we went out with some of my favorite people. I must say the night ended with me laughing so hard that I cried and forgetting totally about how I felt a few hours earlier. I did not get to bed until way past midnight because after coming home Mark and I stayed up and laughed some more. I felt so normal.