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As promised I am continuing my post about my children and how we help them through this cancer journey. I re-posted my April 8th post below so it can bring you all back. As stated earlier in my blog it is so hard for me to write about them. But I am hoping it helps other moms who are suffering from cancer too. It is now my Logan's turn. My middle child and most complex of the three.
My middle son, Logan, is probably the hardest of the three to write about. I think it is because Mark being the oldest and me being the youngest of our families we have trouble relating to what he is going through being the middle of three boys. I must say he is absolutely amazing yet very complex. He is incredibly intelligent and analytical. However, that makes his mind wonder and assume to much. He is a thinker to a fault at times. I am at awe at some of the questions he asks and of course I can not always answer. Logan is completely different from Austen. He hates competing with his brothers, especially Austen. We think that is why he plays the only sport, soccer, that his brothers don't play. This year he decided to not play baseball or basketball (which I must say he was pretty good at) and focus just on soccer. A few seasons ago Austen decided not to play soccer anymore so I believe that gave Logan the freedom to call it "his sport". He likes to be different and not conform to what society says he should be like. He does not care what anyone thinks about him. If he likes something then no one will change that. He loves buildings, bridges, dams and anything built by man. That is why he inspires to be a architect.
Logan is extremely compassionate for others. He wears his heart on his sleeve and will go the extra mile to help anyone. He has had this quality as far back as a toddler. I always tell him he would be an amazing doctor because he is so kind when others are in need. He is the first to check on me when I am having a "sick day" and will get whatever I need. He is a caregiver in so many ways. However, it is a quality that some don't see because Logan is very opinionated. He is always fighting for what is fare and right even when it does not involve him. Which sometimes can get him in trouble. He likes to stick up for the underdog and actually befriends anyone who is in need. I can remember one summer when he was about 7. A woman at our community pool with her three very small children came up to Logan, handed him a huge wrapped gift and said thank you. I was in shock and asked her what that was for. She told me that the day before some older children where picking on her son, who we did not know, and taking his pool toys. Logan got so angry at the older kids that he went right up to them, grab the toys from them and told them off. He then gave all the toys back to the little boy, who was crying, and walked away. I was not surprised at all. Logan has always been a fighter, no matter what sizes his opponent is, if he is passionate about what he is fighting for. I sometimes tell him to stay out of things and walk away, especially after a visit to his principals office. But he can not let things go if he feels it is not right. I see him with protest sign in Washington DC someday.
These qualities make Logan the sensitive child he is today. That is why my cancer has been especially hard on him. He could not hold things in like Austen can. He has to let it all out. The problem is he does not want me to know that he is scared or sad so it frustrates him. He is very emotional but tries so hard not to be because he does not want to bother me. At night is when he does most of his thinking, which causes him to have trouble falling asleep. His mind just wonders and wonders about all kind of things. We joke with him and call him Eeyore because he is always asking "what if?" questions. That is why I let him write a post on this blog called "Wealth over Health" on March 1st. It gave him a chance to clear his mind. I know that it works for me I thought it would help him. Even as an infant Logan has been most attached to me. I sometimes wish he would get closer to Mark and not need me so much. I think that would make this journey a lot easier on him.
He claims he hates having an older brother but deep down I think he really looks up to Austen. A few days after I was diagnosed I walked by his room and heard Austen talking to him. It was one of those breathtaking moments. Austen was telling him not to worry about Mom, stay tough, and don't let her see you upset because stress is not good for her. I heard them both sniffling and cracking voices. Austen then told Logan if you want to get upset come see me and I will help you get through it. He then told Logan that he will take care of him and Nolan. They then must of heard me outside the door and starting arguing over a video game. But for about 2 minutes they were brothers.
Mark and I are trying really hard to show Logan the good in Mom's cancer. We teach him to be thankful for everyday and not take life for granted. When I hear him say something negative I tell him that today is to be a "Tigger day not an Eeyore day". He has even began saying that, after he says something not so positive, "Sorry mom that's an Eeyore statement not a Tigger statement". I give him the opportunity now to tell me what he is thinking and I reinforce to him no matter how sick I am I will always be here to listen to him. I tell him that is a mom's job and by him holding things in I can not do my job. I gave him a few notebooks and told him to write all his thoughts. It is only for his eyes unless he wants me or dad to read it. He loves doing that because he loves to write. It's been a great release for him, however he has not shared any with me yet. Mark and I try to spend a little more one on one with him. Even if it's just playing a video game with him for an hour or so. Although, I got really good at Fifa '09 and he now want play that with me anymore. He loves to read like me so I thought he and I would do a book club together. We would each read the same book at the same time and then once a week talk about it. He is a drummer and takes drum lessons with a great teacher. So I let him teach me what he learned every week. That way he feels some control over me.
He is still a work in progress. Every now and then Mark and I think of something more to help him get through this time. We are no experts on handling a middle child dealing with his mother having stage 4 cancer but we are learning as we go. We take one day at time and try to handle each situation that arises. I have seen a marvelous change in Logan though. He is happy and is express himself in a more positive way. He has not perfected the mind of matter way yet but it is coming. I see great things for Logan in his future.
Be careful to leave your sons well instructed rather than rich, for the hopes of the instructed are better than the wealth of the ignorant. ~Epictetus
I know we have a lot to learn but I think we are doing okay with Logan. I hope I can instruct him to live a happy life long after I am gone.
Sunny
Logan is a work in progress so I will continue posting about him. Maybe it's time for him to write a post too.