All I have to say is that there are so many amazing people in this world I wish I had arms long enough to reach around them all at one time. My last day to spend with Mark and the boys alone then back to the reality world we all live in. That world is not that bad either.
Sunny
SUNNY CARNEY After a courageous 10 year fight battling Carcinoid Cancer, Sunny Carney, of Plum, passed peacefully on Saturday, November 3. She was married to her devoted husband, Mark; and was a loving mother to Austen, Logan and Nolan; daughter of Patricia Jennings and the late James J. Jennings; daughter-in-law of Dale and Dottie Carney; sister of Judy Phillips (Ray Jr.), Lynn Pesta (Teddy), Michael Jennings (Vicki Lynn), James Jennings (Sue), Joseph Jennings (Elizabeth), Sheila Fortes (Jim); sister-in-law of Craig Carney (Julia). She is also survived by numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, and nephews, and was a true friend and inspiration to many.
In addition to being an inspiration to family and friends Sunny inspired carcinoid cancer patients across the globe through her blog, and then her book "The Sunny Side of Cancer. She spoke at numerous cancer events locally sharing stories of her journey which led her from Basel, Switzerland to all of the top Carcinoid Cancer specialists here in the states. She was an advocate for better diagnosis of the disease and for insurance coverage of treatments. She fought with grace and dignity, never letting the pain inside challenge her faith or diminish her love for life.
Memorials may be made to "Carney Family Fund", c/o S&T Bank, 2190 Hulton Road, Verona, PA 15147.
Friends received Monday 7-9 p.m. and Tuesday 3-8 p.m. at Unity Community Church, 215 Unity Center Road, Plum, PA 15239.
Funeral Services will be held on Wednesday at 11 a.m. in Unity Community Church with Rev. Frank Deluce officiating. Arrangements entrusted to CHARLES W. TRENZ FUNERAL HOME, INC.
VIEW GUEST BOOK Published in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Friday, August 6, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Witness
It seems like forever since I have actually sat down and posted with my full heart. The last post was a struggle and my will to even sit down at the computer was taken away by the monster I am fighting. Since the last results from the scans that the cancer is growing again I have been struggling with its effects. Carcinoid Cancer is an endocrine cancer, so when it is in its metastasizing state it truly can take a hold of your entire body. The syndrome at full force can really take you out for awhile. The pain, along with the inability to keep any food down, the intense flushing and difficulty breathing truly makes you feel like you are the celebrity on Celebrity Rehab rather then a normal person fighting a incurable cancer. But I am not posting to go into the details of this devil. In fact, I don't like to give this cancer any credit for taking me down for a few weeks.
Truly, I feel this urgent need to share with everyone what I have witness over the past few weeks. Yes, I was at a low point with my disease. To spare the details, I was really sick. In that time I have had the most amazing out pour of help, encouragement, strength, and love. I have witness God's work at hand. I have seen that I am never alone and that at any time of the day or night I have this huge support system. I learned that at my lowest point with this cancer if I keep my faith in Him and give it to Him, He will bring people into my life to lift me up.
If it was an unexpected dinner, a drop by from a friend, or an email or card it was what I needed to get me through. Every time I prayed.....God worked. A friend taking me to treatment, my sisters listening to me cry on the phone, my mother staying with me to take over my motherly duties, Mark just listen to me complain and whine and a few friends taking the liberty to plan sometime for me to get away with my four boys are just to mention a few answers. However, through these weeks I have actually had some true heart to heart conversations with God. I have questioned and He answered. I asked him to take away my fears and I got peace. I even beg Him to take away some of the most horrific pain in my chest that I have ever felt and a few days and it had lessened to a tolerable rate. I had blood counts that were so low that my doctor took me off all my treatments only to have them up again in a few days.
I feel so blessed to be able to believe and have faith. I feel so blessed to have all of you who reached out to me. Thank you. I am taking the next four days to focus on Mark and the boys. I am so looking forward to just being a mom and not a cancer fighter. Please keep me in your prayers.
I must take some time in the next few days to update everyone on my new course of treatment. I am just in such a good place right know I don't want to think about it. I will catch up though because after all my blog's purpose help all of my carcinoid posse and share my treatment experience. Updates soon!
Sunny
Truly, I feel this urgent need to share with everyone what I have witness over the past few weeks. Yes, I was at a low point with my disease. To spare the details, I was really sick. In that time I have had the most amazing out pour of help, encouragement, strength, and love. I have witness God's work at hand. I have seen that I am never alone and that at any time of the day or night I have this huge support system. I learned that at my lowest point with this cancer if I keep my faith in Him and give it to Him, He will bring people into my life to lift me up.
If it was an unexpected dinner, a drop by from a friend, or an email or card it was what I needed to get me through. Every time I prayed.....God worked. A friend taking me to treatment, my sisters listening to me cry on the phone, my mother staying with me to take over my motherly duties, Mark just listen to me complain and whine and a few friends taking the liberty to plan sometime for me to get away with my four boys are just to mention a few answers. However, through these weeks I have actually had some true heart to heart conversations with God. I have questioned and He answered. I asked him to take away my fears and I got peace. I even beg Him to take away some of the most horrific pain in my chest that I have ever felt and a few days and it had lessened to a tolerable rate. I had blood counts that were so low that my doctor took me off all my treatments only to have them up again in a few days.
I feel so blessed to be able to believe and have faith. I feel so blessed to have all of you who reached out to me. Thank you. I am taking the next four days to focus on Mark and the boys. I am so looking forward to just being a mom and not a cancer fighter. Please keep me in your prayers.
I must take some time in the next few days to update everyone on my new course of treatment. I am just in such a good place right know I don't want to think about it. I will catch up though because after all my blog's purpose help all of my carcinoid posse and share my treatment experience. Updates soon!
Sunny
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Prayers
So as many of my readers have speculated my lack of blogs means things have been rough for me recently. A few weeks ago I got some news that the cancer is spreading again. Its been caught early but it is still growing. Since the news I have been having some issues. First my blood counts have drop, then the pain of the new tumors attacked me and now the carcinoid syndrome is active. I was taken off most of my treatments to bring my blood work back up and now I am just trying to stay a hold of things.
I know that this will past because I have been here before. I am just asking for pray now. I truly believe that when times are tough you need to quit feeling sorry for yourself and pray for someone else. That is what I am doing, I am praying for all my carcinoid posse and I am asking you all to pray for me. God knows that I give this time to Him. Please keep me in your daily prayers.
I'll keep you posted.
Sunny
I know that this will past because I have been here before. I am just asking for pray now. I truly believe that when times are tough you need to quit feeling sorry for yourself and pray for someone else. That is what I am doing, I am praying for all my carcinoid posse and I am asking you all to pray for me. God knows that I give this time to Him. Please keep me in your daily prayers.
I'll keep you posted.
Sunny
Friday, July 16, 2010
SHE IS THE WARRIOR
With all due respect to Patty Symth and the rest of Scandal, my wife is the true warrior. Before anyone reading this panics as to why I (Mark--the quiet spouse) am writing this entry, it is not because she is too weak to think and type. In fact, today alone, she had two photo shoots, hit the food market, washed a few uniforms for Austen, observed Logans track practice, encouraged Nolan at guiatar lessons and that was all before noon. Actually it all was except for the second shoot and I forgot the oil change she did on her car. Right now those of you who know her real well are scratching your heads wondering when the heck did the warden's princess learn to change oil. I'll let you all to facebook about that.
No I am not filling in per her request, rather I asked if I could have the honor. Its purely a coincidence by the way that her last entry accurately portrayed my blubbering confession that contrary to her thoughts, I have not mastered the art of raising three boys and a fat dog alone. I can't picture our family without its rock, its anchor, without Sunny at the helm of this household ship. So I don't. Or maybe I can't allow myself to. I feel like if I do, then I am letting her down, because if she can fight and go on and on then who am I to not have faith and believe that she will whip this disease. Who am I to doubt? So I may learn how to properly rack ladles in the dishwasher, or how to correctly fold a pair of Aerospotale(I think thats the brand) boys shorts, and I may have expanded my culinary expertise to include foods other than eggs, cheese, pop-tarts, and pbj's....but I can never have the mother instincts to know when or where to put a little pick me up note in one of my boys pockets at just that time when he is down....or how make the big guys favorite desserts(heck even to tell you what their favorite desserts are)...or how to make sure that they know you can never quit when things get tough. Those are all things that Sunny does. She has set the bar high.
No, I asked to write this entry because it has been a crazy week and I know she won't admit it outside of this house, but she is tired. Tired from the cancer physically and in a moment of frustration, tired mentally from the ongoing fight. But she knows she won't stop. Quit is a four letter word that gets you decent points in scrabble but doesn't exist in her world. Her bloodwork is all messed up but she goes on. I don't know how she does it, her doctor's call her an inspiration, but all she wants is to hear her boys call her mom.
Its fitting that this week began on Sunday with a surprise 80th birthday party for her mother. It was a themed party, the 1930's, and Sunny made sure our boys had the perfect costumes, that she looked just right as a voluptous siren, and that I didn't bust through the buttons on my vest. She met with Vicki(fellow outlaw and nightowl) numerous times to work out details, hauled extra gear from her studio for those without, packed and set up her photo equipment, and then proceeded to take "period" photos for most of Sunday afternoon. Amazing. Stopped to eat a carrot. And maybe a fat-free cookie. With a bloodcount that was so low Keith Richards wouldn't have traded. She had the best time, the best attitude, and knowing it meant it a lot to her mother, she would do it again this Sunday if asked.
Then on Wednesday we had an early breakfast and a lunch date sandwiched around a visit to the Shadyside Spa and Cancer Center where she got "radioactive", a no pain no gain scan (although in the new machine which cut some time), and almost got another lovely Quadramet treatment(come back to the almost if you stay tuned). I don't mean to seem flippant in referring to our day in this way, but I know she will echo that even know it was going to be a long day, we were both in good spirits, making jokes, almost drunk with giddiness that only comes when you have no other way to handle a particuliar situation. After surgeries, treatments, trips to Basel, Iowa, Tampa and so many trips to UPMC Shadyside that we are officially the Garmin voice for the campus, we both knew that the day would suck, but there wasn't an option B. Sunny really lived up to her adage "that cancer does not define who she is". For those that know me well , if I didn't make her laugh and address the drive over with humor, I would have been blubberin as if I was stuck watching a perpetual rewind of the ending of "Its A Wonderful Life".
So she gets "radioactive" and we have to come back in two hours. She jokes about going shopping at various WalGreens, Rite Aid's etc. and tripping the metal detectors. We eat....well she nibbles and I eat one and a half breakfast's at Pamela's. (besides humor, eating is good medicine) We shop. She shops. Don't think she bought more than a chutzky bracelet 95% off and a pair of discounted sunglasses which she immediately hated when she walked outside. I don't know....it was just being in the store, talking to the owner (Roberta Wilson Leather I think) who was real sweet and spending time doing something she would have done pre-cancer.
We get back so she can finish the scan and get the Quadramet. After 40 minutes or so she comes out in a huff and tells me that the doctor wants to talk to both of us, that something had shown up in the pictures. We get back to the "Dosage Administration" room, which I swear also doubles as the locker/lunch storage area/blanket heating room/ and apparently "Mabel" from AT&T central station. Thanks to the wonderful staff in that dept, who always take great care of Sunny, and who follow this blog. No doctor though. We had met this doctor before....kind of like Mr. McFeely from the Rogers neighborhood crossed with Andy Taylor's physician from
Mayberry. Not to judge people by what they wear, but when the doctor who holds the keys to your treatment and is the expert as to dosage and timing of concurrent treatments is dressed like Larry from Three's Company with Mr. Furleigh's physigue and mannerisms neither one of us were overcome with confidence. After handing out a few employee lunchboxes(two ER's, one Scrubs, and one eco-plastic bag bursting with tofu yogurt, after making sure Sunny had the warmest towel the "towel warmer refrigerator thing-a-mi-jiggy held, after answering aforementioned phone which rang periodically "Espere un momento por favor" (these weren't stat calls relax....it was jerod wanting his lunch microwaved....) after being offered and declining the latest in hospital magazing reading several times by the aforementioned great staff(there are only so many Southern Living issues from 2006 you can absorb in one day) and after several quick drop in's by the frazzled Dr. McFeely Tripper Furleigh which were more confusing than not knowing what was going on at all, Sunny was ready for a smackdown. She had told them on Monday and Tuesday that her blood count was low....on the border to be able to safely get the Quadramet...they told her don't worry....drop on by....stay a while....you hear....all I could hear was her MFing the system....that since the drug was ordered upmc got paid...she was wasting a whole day with her kids....she had told them to reschedule....but as is the number one answer to the "Family Feud" question what is the biggest bane cancer patients have with their medical team....."NO ONE LISTENS TO WHAT I TELL THEM"....amen....nuff said....
When Dr. HENEEDSAHUG came back in to finally tell us that it would be best to reschedule the Quadramet I ducked. I thought for sure he was getting dropped right there and then. I hoped his dental plan was good. But Sunny was in a way relieved to put it off....after all of the confusion I think she (and I silently) both thought it be best to wait to make sure if her count would come up and she could safely get the treatment. Though I poke fun and think the whole 90 minutes to sort it out was ridiculious(hey Barack, can the new plan get phones in treatment areas that don't apparently crash weekly) we both appreciated his concurring to error on the side of conservativism and reschedule.
Now as we left I knew Sunny was one hand relieved and yet was angry. Understandably, she hates to waste time she could spend with her kids. And as much as I told her, at least we got the scan done , she wasn't buying what I was selling. In the back of my mind I knew someone was going to get her going and get the "Sunny Smackdown". At Giant Eagle on the way home to pick up fruit and drinks , a rude uppity woman in the self checkout lane in front of us stepped up to the smackdown plate. Now before some of you get the wrong idea about Sunny, keep in mind she was in pain from the scan and radiation, didn't get the pain treatment, had missed her kids cross country practice, stayed home the previous night from her oldest baby's hoop game, had a sore mouth side effect thing going, had gone way past exhaustion, and then she had to hear so overdolled up wannabe cougar who was literally bagging each of her items individually and then had the bright idea to "advise" Sunny as to how to set groceries on the little food treadmill thing. Boiling point. I jumped in the middle and just started bagging. Lets just say the woman bagged her remaining bags quickly and probably will never ever use the self-checkout line in this lifetime. Sunny needed to vent. She relaxed. Those of you that have ever been in a longterm stressful situation will relate. In fairness to Sunny, this rude bitch had it coming.
I was thinking this entry through this afternoon, I flipped through the bible and came across 2nd Timothy. Another one of the letters Paul wrote. It struck me , and I didn't plan on opening it or landing there. As our Pastor says, "you go nowhere by accident." Paul wrote that we are to be as the Serving soldiers, the competing athletes, and the hardworking farmer's....we are to focus on our leader....to be singleminded and driven, that we are to compete....to try...we can't sit on the sidelines and we have to do it the right way....and that we are to work hard so as in order to receive the first rewards of our efforts....This struck me as how Sunny lives every day....she is focused on being the same as she was prior to cancer, she is competing for her life, and yet she works as hard as anyone to keep things normal....to keep on keeping on...
She has complete faith...the inner assurance that no matter what happens she will get her reward....and she backs that up with actions....she does it....she doesn't just say it....anyone can say they trust God or they won't get beatdown by cancer.....Sunny goes that step further and lives like she is beatingdown the cancer in her....no doubts...burning the ships....she is my rock ...she is the cookie on my creamfilling in this OREO of life and I am truly honored to not just write this blog but to be with her on this incredible journey....
Mark Carney
No I am not filling in per her request, rather I asked if I could have the honor. Its purely a coincidence by the way that her last entry accurately portrayed my blubbering confession that contrary to her thoughts, I have not mastered the art of raising three boys and a fat dog alone. I can't picture our family without its rock, its anchor, without Sunny at the helm of this household ship. So I don't. Or maybe I can't allow myself to. I feel like if I do, then I am letting her down, because if she can fight and go on and on then who am I to not have faith and believe that she will whip this disease. Who am I to doubt? So I may learn how to properly rack ladles in the dishwasher, or how to correctly fold a pair of Aerospotale(I think thats the brand) boys shorts, and I may have expanded my culinary expertise to include foods other than eggs, cheese, pop-tarts, and pbj's....but I can never have the mother instincts to know when or where to put a little pick me up note in one of my boys pockets at just that time when he is down....or how make the big guys favorite desserts(heck even to tell you what their favorite desserts are)...or how to make sure that they know you can never quit when things get tough. Those are all things that Sunny does. She has set the bar high.
No, I asked to write this entry because it has been a crazy week and I know she won't admit it outside of this house, but she is tired. Tired from the cancer physically and in a moment of frustration, tired mentally from the ongoing fight. But she knows she won't stop. Quit is a four letter word that gets you decent points in scrabble but doesn't exist in her world. Her bloodwork is all messed up but she goes on. I don't know how she does it, her doctor's call her an inspiration, but all she wants is to hear her boys call her mom.
Its fitting that this week began on Sunday with a surprise 80th birthday party for her mother. It was a themed party, the 1930's, and Sunny made sure our boys had the perfect costumes, that she looked just right as a voluptous siren, and that I didn't bust through the buttons on my vest. She met with Vicki(fellow outlaw and nightowl) numerous times to work out details, hauled extra gear from her studio for those without, packed and set up her photo equipment, and then proceeded to take "period" photos for most of Sunday afternoon. Amazing. Stopped to eat a carrot. And maybe a fat-free cookie. With a bloodcount that was so low Keith Richards wouldn't have traded. She had the best time, the best attitude, and knowing it meant it a lot to her mother, she would do it again this Sunday if asked.
Then on Wednesday we had an early breakfast and a lunch date sandwiched around a visit to the Shadyside Spa and Cancer Center where she got "radioactive", a no pain no gain scan (although in the new machine which cut some time), and almost got another lovely Quadramet treatment(come back to the almost if you stay tuned). I don't mean to seem flippant in referring to our day in this way, but I know she will echo that even know it was going to be a long day, we were both in good spirits, making jokes, almost drunk with giddiness that only comes when you have no other way to handle a particuliar situation. After surgeries, treatments, trips to Basel, Iowa, Tampa and so many trips to UPMC Shadyside that we are officially the Garmin voice for the campus, we both knew that the day would suck, but there wasn't an option B. Sunny really lived up to her adage "that cancer does not define who she is". For those that know me well , if I didn't make her laugh and address the drive over with humor, I would have been blubberin as if I was stuck watching a perpetual rewind of the ending of "Its A Wonderful Life".
So she gets "radioactive" and we have to come back in two hours. She jokes about going shopping at various WalGreens, Rite Aid's etc. and tripping the metal detectors. We eat....well she nibbles and I eat one and a half breakfast's at Pamela's. (besides humor, eating is good medicine) We shop. She shops. Don't think she bought more than a chutzky bracelet 95% off and a pair of discounted sunglasses which she immediately hated when she walked outside. I don't know....it was just being in the store, talking to the owner (Roberta Wilson Leather I think) who was real sweet and spending time doing something she would have done pre-cancer.
We get back so she can finish the scan and get the Quadramet. After 40 minutes or so she comes out in a huff and tells me that the doctor wants to talk to both of us, that something had shown up in the pictures. We get back to the "Dosage Administration" room, which I swear also doubles as the locker/lunch storage area/blanket heating room/ and apparently "Mabel" from AT&T central station. Thanks to the wonderful staff in that dept, who always take great care of Sunny, and who follow this blog. No doctor though. We had met this doctor before....kind of like Mr. McFeely from the Rogers neighborhood crossed with Andy Taylor's physician from
Mayberry. Not to judge people by what they wear, but when the doctor who holds the keys to your treatment and is the expert as to dosage and timing of concurrent treatments is dressed like Larry from Three's Company with Mr. Furleigh's physigue and mannerisms neither one of us were overcome with confidence. After handing out a few employee lunchboxes(two ER's, one Scrubs, and one eco-plastic bag bursting with tofu yogurt, after making sure Sunny had the warmest towel the "towel warmer refrigerator thing-a-mi-jiggy held, after answering aforementioned phone which rang periodically "Espere un momento por favor" (these weren't stat calls relax....it was jerod wanting his lunch microwaved....) after being offered and declining the latest in hospital magazing reading several times by the aforementioned great staff(there are only so many Southern Living issues from 2006 you can absorb in one day) and after several quick drop in's by the frazzled Dr. McFeely Tripper Furleigh which were more confusing than not knowing what was going on at all, Sunny was ready for a smackdown. She had told them on Monday and Tuesday that her blood count was low....on the border to be able to safely get the Quadramet...they told her don't worry....drop on by....stay a while....you hear....all I could hear was her MFing the system....that since the drug was ordered upmc got paid...she was wasting a whole day with her kids....she had told them to reschedule....but as is the number one answer to the "Family Feud" question what is the biggest bane cancer patients have with their medical team....."NO ONE LISTENS TO WHAT I TELL THEM"....amen....nuff said....
When Dr. HENEEDSAHUG came back in to finally tell us that it would be best to reschedule the Quadramet I ducked. I thought for sure he was getting dropped right there and then. I hoped his dental plan was good. But Sunny was in a way relieved to put it off....after all of the confusion I think she (and I silently) both thought it be best to wait to make sure if her count would come up and she could safely get the treatment. Though I poke fun and think the whole 90 minutes to sort it out was ridiculious(hey Barack, can the new plan get phones in treatment areas that don't apparently crash weekly) we both appreciated his concurring to error on the side of conservativism and reschedule.
Now as we left I knew Sunny was one hand relieved and yet was angry. Understandably, she hates to waste time she could spend with her kids. And as much as I told her, at least we got the scan done , she wasn't buying what I was selling. In the back of my mind I knew someone was going to get her going and get the "Sunny Smackdown". At Giant Eagle on the way home to pick up fruit and drinks , a rude uppity woman in the self checkout lane in front of us stepped up to the smackdown plate. Now before some of you get the wrong idea about Sunny, keep in mind she was in pain from the scan and radiation, didn't get the pain treatment, had missed her kids cross country practice, stayed home the previous night from her oldest baby's hoop game, had a sore mouth side effect thing going, had gone way past exhaustion, and then she had to hear so overdolled up wannabe cougar who was literally bagging each of her items individually and then had the bright idea to "advise" Sunny as to how to set groceries on the little food treadmill thing. Boiling point. I jumped in the middle and just started bagging. Lets just say the woman bagged her remaining bags quickly and probably will never ever use the self-checkout line in this lifetime. Sunny needed to vent. She relaxed. Those of you that have ever been in a longterm stressful situation will relate. In fairness to Sunny, this rude bitch had it coming.
I was thinking this entry through this afternoon, I flipped through the bible and came across 2nd Timothy. Another one of the letters Paul wrote. It struck me , and I didn't plan on opening it or landing there. As our Pastor says, "you go nowhere by accident." Paul wrote that we are to be as the Serving soldiers, the competing athletes, and the hardworking farmer's....we are to focus on our leader....to be singleminded and driven, that we are to compete....to try...we can't sit on the sidelines and we have to do it the right way....and that we are to work hard so as in order to receive the first rewards of our efforts....This struck me as how Sunny lives every day....she is focused on being the same as she was prior to cancer, she is competing for her life, and yet she works as hard as anyone to keep things normal....to keep on keeping on...
She has complete faith...the inner assurance that no matter what happens she will get her reward....and she backs that up with actions....she does it....she doesn't just say it....anyone can say they trust God or they won't get beatdown by cancer.....Sunny goes that step further and lives like she is beatingdown the cancer in her....no doubts...burning the ships....she is my rock ...she is the cookie on my creamfilling in this OREO of life and I am truly honored to not just write this blog but to be with her on this incredible journey....
Mark Carney
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Every time I go to post in this blog I scroll down the page to log in with my secret password. As I scroll down that front page I see the picture of Mark and I taken a few days before I lost my hair, I see the letter that Mark poured out of his heart to describe me, I see me holding the hands of my three babies who in the last two years have grown twice that size, with that photo I see the word I have written a thousand times through this journey - BELIEVE. I then scroll a bit more and I see me and my beautiful four boys all around me hugging me and leaning on me because they need me. That sounds quite assuming but its what keeps me going. Yesterday after my appointment (read below) I said to Mark, "maybe the time is coming now? The boys are almost teenagers and in a few years they will be in High School. They are yours now. I did what I needed to do when they were young and now you, Mark are who they need." Mark looked at me with tears streaming down his face and said, " I have no idea what to do with them. I have no F@#$ing idea how to be the Dad that you have led me to be. I cannot do it without you. I am clueless."
I felt horrible that he felt this way. The last two years I have had this urgent need to teach him and the boys everything they need to know if my day comes. I have a box of letters written for them for certain situations. I have done the fast track of parenting so that the boys and Mark will be fine without me. However, what I realized by Mark's statement is that I have not planted the confidence in him that he needs to continue raising my boys after my journey with cancer is over. So yes he still needs me. So this road block needs to be hurdled over. This cannot be it......I need to find another treatment and fast.
Sunny
I felt horrible that he felt this way. The last two years I have had this urgent need to teach him and the boys everything they need to know if my day comes. I have a box of letters written for them for certain situations. I have done the fast track of parenting so that the boys and Mark will be fine without me. However, what I realized by Mark's statement is that I have not planted the confidence in him that he needs to continue raising my boys after my journey with cancer is over. So yes he still needs me. So this road block needs to be hurdled over. This cannot be it......I need to find another treatment and fast.
Sunny
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Results, results, results
Last Tuesday I had a total body PET/CT scan. Today I had my appointment with my oncologist to go over my scan results. From the moment Dr. Friedland walked into the exam room I could see in eyes that things were not so good. I gave him my big hello and large smile; I guess thinking that maybe if I turn up the charm he would use that magical power I think he has to change the news he hated so much to tell me. We had a few seconds of small talk, once again I was trying to avoid him announcing what was in that folder he was holding so tightly. Finally he just cut right to it. The cancer is going quickly again.
There are new tumors in the bones on my left side and my chest area. However, the most concerning part it the growth of the tumors in my liver and several new ones popping up as well. I wish I had more information to tell you but what I do know is that Dr. Friedland and myself need to come up with a new game plan on how to fight. I have several appointments with specialists, one with my liver oncologist and hopefully by the end of the week I will have some answers. Until then I am going to do what I always do and appreciate everyday.
Please keep me in your prayers.
Sunny
There are new tumors in the bones on my left side and my chest area. However, the most concerning part it the growth of the tumors in my liver and several new ones popping up as well. I wish I had more information to tell you but what I do know is that Dr. Friedland and myself need to come up with a new game plan on how to fight. I have several appointments with specialists, one with my liver oncologist and hopefully by the end of the week I will have some answers. Until then I am going to do what I always do and appreciate everyday.
Please keep me in your prayers.
Sunny
Monday, June 28, 2010
Peace
God always knows when you need a little inspiration and lately he has been putting people in my life to give me the push I needed. My posts have been getting less and less lately. I don't know if it's because my boys are home from school and my life is all about running them from place to place. My nonprofit division of "Sunny's Photos" has been growing extremely quickly and that only means more people being effected by cancer, so that has been a little upsetting. Or perhaps its because my cancer life has been going crazy and I really am trying to block it out. It may just be the stress of all the insurance issues and financial uncertainties. Whatever the reason or excuse I am giving I have totally lost my way.
Although I have been trying extremely hard to ignore the signs God has truly been knocking on my inspiration door, He makes it impossible and once again reminds me I cannot do this journey alone. In the past few weeks I have had the most unusual inspiring people reach out to me. Without going into all the details I have been approached in the most unusual places, have had emails written to me and even have gotten a few phone calls from others that have inspired me to keep going with my battle but mostly keep updating and writing my blog. So tonight that is what I am going to do. I am going to update everyone on my battle, continue to get the word out about this rare cancer and try to help others know that they are not alone in whatever battle they are going through.
Tomorrow I will be under going another PET scan. I am not due for my regular scheduled progress scan for another month and 1/2 but I have had some unusual changes in my conditions so my oncologist decided to up that time to see what's going on. Yesterday a friend of my asked me if I was nervous about the scan or the results. When I told her that I really don't think about scans or results anymore she was completely surprised. Later that day when I was driving home from my hour and half ride from my Austen's baseball game my mind went back to my conversation with my girlfriend. I began to think that maybe its not normal for me not to have anxiety about my scans, my results or even my cancer. I questioned my honesty to others and myself and wondered if deep down am I just trying to pretend that I am NOT worried. After thinking hard and almost forcing myself to feel some type of solicitude I was quite sure I am not worried about any of it.
Not being afraid of my cancer, my scan tomorrow or the results of the scan does not mean I don't care about my battle. Trust me I care more then I care about anything, because this disease effects everyone I love.....not just me. However, I truly have in the Lord's peace. I am not saying that this peace I am feeling means that I believe that tomorrow scans are going to show no growth or even no cancer. Nor do I believe that I am going to be miraculously cured by one splash of blessed holy water or the hands of some Evangelist that claims to have the power of healing. However, I do strongly believe that if that is what God wants that to happen then it will. My peace is that God will not leave me and what the outcome may be my faith will get me through. I know that through the power of pray and with a true open heart to the Holy Spirit I can get through whatever the results bring. Now, am I hoping for the best? HELL YA, but I have true have peace.
I have seen first hand some amazing things happening because of my journey. I have seen great change in my life and in my families life. As I stated several times in my blog if I could have one wish it would be to take this cancer away from me. However, the past two years of my battle have been the most meaningful and life changing experience for all those I love I would never give them back. They have taught me what having true faith in God and giving all my adversity to him feels like. That is where my peace comes from.
So tomorrow when I lay in that tube for a few hours with an IV in my arm I am going to spend that time in peace and thanking God for that peace.
Sunny
Although I have been trying extremely hard to ignore the signs God has truly been knocking on my inspiration door, He makes it impossible and once again reminds me I cannot do this journey alone. In the past few weeks I have had the most unusual inspiring people reach out to me. Without going into all the details I have been approached in the most unusual places, have had emails written to me and even have gotten a few phone calls from others that have inspired me to keep going with my battle but mostly keep updating and writing my blog. So tonight that is what I am going to do. I am going to update everyone on my battle, continue to get the word out about this rare cancer and try to help others know that they are not alone in whatever battle they are going through.
Tomorrow I will be under going another PET scan. I am not due for my regular scheduled progress scan for another month and 1/2 but I have had some unusual changes in my conditions so my oncologist decided to up that time to see what's going on. Yesterday a friend of my asked me if I was nervous about the scan or the results. When I told her that I really don't think about scans or results anymore she was completely surprised. Later that day when I was driving home from my hour and half ride from my Austen's baseball game my mind went back to my conversation with my girlfriend. I began to think that maybe its not normal for me not to have anxiety about my scans, my results or even my cancer. I questioned my honesty to others and myself and wondered if deep down am I just trying to pretend that I am NOT worried. After thinking hard and almost forcing myself to feel some type of solicitude I was quite sure I am not worried about any of it.
Not being afraid of my cancer, my scan tomorrow or the results of the scan does not mean I don't care about my battle. Trust me I care more then I care about anything, because this disease effects everyone I love.....not just me. However, I truly have in the Lord's peace. I am not saying that this peace I am feeling means that I believe that tomorrow scans are going to show no growth or even no cancer. Nor do I believe that I am going to be miraculously cured by one splash of blessed holy water or the hands of some Evangelist that claims to have the power of healing. However, I do strongly believe that if that is what God wants that to happen then it will. My peace is that God will not leave me and what the outcome may be my faith will get me through. I know that through the power of pray and with a true open heart to the Holy Spirit I can get through whatever the results bring. Now, am I hoping for the best? HELL YA, but I have true have peace.
I have seen first hand some amazing things happening because of my journey. I have seen great change in my life and in my families life. As I stated several times in my blog if I could have one wish it would be to take this cancer away from me. However, the past two years of my battle have been the most meaningful and life changing experience for all those I love I would never give them back. They have taught me what having true faith in God and giving all my adversity to him feels like. That is where my peace comes from.
So tomorrow when I lay in that tube for a few hours with an IV in my arm I am going to spend that time in peace and thanking God for that peace.
Sunny
Monday, June 14, 2010
Keep the faith
I think my last post pleading for help with my insurance issues has diffently opened some doors for me. I have been in touch with the right people and I am praying that they can lead me in the right direction. Thank you all for reaching out. I will keep you all posted.
The last couple of weeks have been very difficult for me physically. I am assuming the cancer is growing again because of how I have been feeling. I scheduled scans for the end of June so I will know what's going on then. In the meantime, I need to stay strong in faith. This neuroendrocrine cancer is so strange. At one point it seems to be taking over my whole body and the pain is so incredible I can bearly stand it. I become dizzy and sick to my stomach like its the worse flu you could ever imagine. Then a few days later I am feeling great. I have talked to my oncologist about these happenings but he really has no answers because its such a rare and difficult cancer. So I joke with him and tell him to take notes so that when his other carcinoid patients tell him the same thing he can assure them its normal.
The last couple of weeks have been much like this. I have been feeling like crap for a few days and then I feel better. Friday, for example, I started to feel a little under the weather. I had blood work done and my counts where off. I continued to do what I always do to get on with life and then Friday evening it hit me. The pain was so intense that I could hardly focus. I kept Mark up most of the night with him feeling so helpless trying everything he could think of just to help me fall asleep. Saturday I had a wedding that I was contracted to photograph and up until I got to the bride's home I was completely unsure I could get through it. But through God's will and many prayers I spent eight hours Saturday popping pain meds and photographing a beautiful event. Of course Sunday I was a complete mess. Still in horrible pain and sick from the pain meds that don't work anyways. I knew at that point that my prayers need help, so I asked my facebook friends to pray for me. The response was amazing.
After another sleepless night last night I am starting to feel my way on the upswing. I am not completely feeling 100%, I am not sure I even know what feeling 100% feels like, but I know that because of my faith and prayers from others I am getting through this journey. I had someone say to me the other day that they don't believe that there is a GOD. I love this person but felt so sorry for them. I don't know how you can look around this amazing world and not believe in The Big Guy Above. I don't know how someone whose been with me through this battle can not see what God has done in my life dispite this cancer. I want to thank everyone who reads my blog and have reached out to me. I am so blessed to have you all in my corner. I know that in a few days I will be the "Sunny" you all know. Keep praying and please keep believing.
Sunny
The last couple of weeks have been very difficult for me physically. I am assuming the cancer is growing again because of how I have been feeling. I scheduled scans for the end of June so I will know what's going on then. In the meantime, I need to stay strong in faith. This neuroendrocrine cancer is so strange. At one point it seems to be taking over my whole body and the pain is so incredible I can bearly stand it. I become dizzy and sick to my stomach like its the worse flu you could ever imagine. Then a few days later I am feeling great. I have talked to my oncologist about these happenings but he really has no answers because its such a rare and difficult cancer. So I joke with him and tell him to take notes so that when his other carcinoid patients tell him the same thing he can assure them its normal.
The last couple of weeks have been much like this. I have been feeling like crap for a few days and then I feel better. Friday, for example, I started to feel a little under the weather. I had blood work done and my counts where off. I continued to do what I always do to get on with life and then Friday evening it hit me. The pain was so intense that I could hardly focus. I kept Mark up most of the night with him feeling so helpless trying everything he could think of just to help me fall asleep. Saturday I had a wedding that I was contracted to photograph and up until I got to the bride's home I was completely unsure I could get through it. But through God's will and many prayers I spent eight hours Saturday popping pain meds and photographing a beautiful event. Of course Sunday I was a complete mess. Still in horrible pain and sick from the pain meds that don't work anyways. I knew at that point that my prayers need help, so I asked my facebook friends to pray for me. The response was amazing.
After another sleepless night last night I am starting to feel my way on the upswing. I am not completely feeling 100%, I am not sure I even know what feeling 100% feels like, but I know that because of my faith and prayers from others I am getting through this journey. I had someone say to me the other day that they don't believe that there is a GOD. I love this person but felt so sorry for them. I don't know how you can look around this amazing world and not believe in The Big Guy Above. I don't know how someone whose been with me through this battle can not see what God has done in my life dispite this cancer. I want to thank everyone who reads my blog and have reached out to me. I am so blessed to have you all in my corner. I know that in a few days I will be the "Sunny" you all know. Keep praying and please keep believing.
Sunny
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Insurance
Well nothing in life worth living for is easy. Fighting cancer is so much more then just fighting the demon that is inside of me. The frustration that goes with the disease is overwhelming at times. This week Mark and I was hit with the reality that as of July 31st our whole family will be losing our health insurance. Sixteen months ago Mark and the company he was with for sixteen years decided to part ways. Mark was pursuing a different career track and with my diagnosis it was the perfect time to do so. So with that departure and his new career path we had no other choice but to go onto COBRA insurance. It was extremely expensive but we made do and it was health insurance not perfect because several of my treatment were not covered but insurance to say the least. We were guaranteed coverage for 18 months and July 31st that 18 months will be up.
This week I started looking into other options and I am overwhelmed by the whole process. After hours and hours on the Internet and more hours on the phone I am tired of the doors that are being slammed on me and my family. With private insurance cost outrageous and almost impossible for us to afford and non private have so many bizarre circumstances that I don't think we will qualify I am at a lost at what to do. I spoke with our Senators office today and was told to apply for government insurance however when I called to get information on it I was told that I was not qualified and my children will have to go uninsured for four to six weeks before they will start the process.
Through this whole cancer journey I have never felt so defeated. I have been told that I had six months to live, told that my only hope for any chance to extend my life was crazy European treatments, undergone several experimental treatments and procedures, have hundreds and thousands of dollars in medical bills and I would stand on my head for a month if they told me it would help destroy this cancer growing inside of me. I have undergone horrific treatments that has got me so sick as well as put me through horrible pain and have not had positive results. Scan after scan after scan with results never on my side and I have always found hope in this hopeless situation. Nothing has made me feel that I am losing this battle until today. I just feel so overwhelmed with all this insurance bullshit and scared that I have no options. I am asking for all you who follow my blog to please rich deep down and pray for me and my family. I know that if I leave this problem in God's hands he will take care of it. However, for the first time in this long cancer voyage I am struggle with that because I am scared.
Please keep me in your prays this week that this will all work out. I am also open to any knowledge that anyone can share with me regarding insurance options.
“Prayer is the key to Heaven, but faith unlocks the door.” I've been praying and praying... Now I'm trying to keep the faith that everythying will work out.
Sunny
This week I started looking into other options and I am overwhelmed by the whole process. After hours and hours on the Internet and more hours on the phone I am tired of the doors that are being slammed on me and my family. With private insurance cost outrageous and almost impossible for us to afford and non private have so many bizarre circumstances that I don't think we will qualify I am at a lost at what to do. I spoke with our Senators office today and was told to apply for government insurance however when I called to get information on it I was told that I was not qualified and my children will have to go uninsured for four to six weeks before they will start the process.
Through this whole cancer journey I have never felt so defeated. I have been told that I had six months to live, told that my only hope for any chance to extend my life was crazy European treatments, undergone several experimental treatments and procedures, have hundreds and thousands of dollars in medical bills and I would stand on my head for a month if they told me it would help destroy this cancer growing inside of me. I have undergone horrific treatments that has got me so sick as well as put me through horrible pain and have not had positive results. Scan after scan after scan with results never on my side and I have always found hope in this hopeless situation. Nothing has made me feel that I am losing this battle until today. I just feel so overwhelmed with all this insurance bullshit and scared that I have no options. I am asking for all you who follow my blog to please rich deep down and pray for me and my family. I know that if I leave this problem in God's hands he will take care of it. However, for the first time in this long cancer voyage I am struggle with that because I am scared.
Please keep me in your prays this week that this will all work out. I am also open to any knowledge that anyone can share with me regarding insurance options.
“Prayer is the key to Heaven, but faith unlocks the door.” I've been praying and praying... Now I'm trying to keep the faith that everythying will work out.
Sunny
Friday, June 4, 2010
This post is well overdue. I know it's been three weeks since my last published post. I have written several entries but truly felt they were too deep and personal to share. I have been receiving email after email asking me if all is okay. To be honest it's been a really rough month physically. I know that I need to catch everyone up on my scans, the findings and my treatments but if I don't share with you my Friday morning I may just burst. Today I was hit with the reality of why I fight this cancer battle.
The last week has been a bitter sweet week for me. Tuesday I had a double treatment which has been really tearing me apart physically. The boys are ending another school year which has been tearing me up emotionally. I love my summers home with them in fact I love them home any time with me. Also, I am thrilled that I am here to see my boys move on to another year in school because after my diagnosis I was told that I would never see these days. Mostly I am so proud of each one them and the accomplishments they have made this school year. But like any mother, with or without cancer, I am sad that my babies are moving closer to not needing me anymore. They are one year older and one year smarter. Soon they will not need me to study with them or help them with that ridiculously difficult project that no child does ALL BY HIMSELF. Each year they are growing more independent and self sufficient. The need for "MOM" is quickly going away and the need for friends is replacing me. The little blue eyed freckle face boys are now growing up to be handsome teenagers with girls following behind them. Their hugs that use to knock me over are becoming more of a light quick tap from a boy that is taller then me now. Bitter sweet in so many ways.
However on Friday my two youngest participated in a school talent show and it reminded me how I can still share in their joy without always being needed. They are officially musician now with Logan banging on drums and Nolan jamming on his electric guitar, sometimes Austen joins in on drums and keyboard. After this last diagnosis and the grim news that the doctors told me of my destiny, I joined them up for lessons so that they would have something they can do that will bring them together if I was not here to force it. Never in my wildest dreams though did I ever imagine that they would actually sound amazing enough in a year in a half to preform together in front of almost 500 of their peers. All I can add is that they rocked the house with the children chanting more more more. They ended up playing four songs with Logan flipping his drum sticks and spinning on his stool and Nolan playing behind his back and sliding across the floor. As Mark and I sat in the back of the school auditorium holding hands we both had tears rolling down our face and for once my husband was completely speechless. The pride in Mark's eyes was worth a million dollars to me.
As I stood in the back listening to their final rendition of "Born to be Wild" and watching the front of the stage covered with their classmates dancing and chanting their names I realized what cancer has done for our family. I felt reconfirmed that my fight may not 100% be for Mark and the boys anymore because they are going to be okay now without me. But that this battle I am is now for ME. I cannot miss my children's accomplishments as they go through their life. I have worked so hard to make these wild boys into amazing teenagers and it is now my time to sit back and enjoy me good work. The whole day I felt like I was walking on a cloud. Those boys that sat on our couch a year and a half ago clinging to me with rolling tears down their baby faces as we told them "THE NEWS" of mommies illness are fine now. They are strong and ready to tackle the world with me just slightly leading them in the right direction. They overcame my cancer and actually learned from my battle. They will be okay when the day comes.
Me on the hand, needs to be here to see them experience the grandest of life. I need to see their smiles so big that their faces hurt. Cancer has taught us that days like Friday is a battle won as we fight this war. This again is the "Good in Cancer". My boys have learned that if they give something their all and not quit on your dreams they can accomplish anything. But more importantly they have learned to lean on each other and work together. I understand that a song does not work with out all the instruments and a family does not work without each other. That night Nolan came up to me and said, "Mom, thanks for getting me lessons. I know that it is expensive and you worry about paying for them......but thanks." They are starting to get that living is more then just having a life......living is making the most of that life.
Sorry for the delay in post and I promise you this week I will catch everyone up on my "Cancer" battle. I really just had to share the "Good in Cancer" to remind myself that quitting is not an option.
Sunny
The last week has been a bitter sweet week for me. Tuesday I had a double treatment which has been really tearing me apart physically. The boys are ending another school year which has been tearing me up emotionally. I love my summers home with them in fact I love them home any time with me. Also, I am thrilled that I am here to see my boys move on to another year in school because after my diagnosis I was told that I would never see these days. Mostly I am so proud of each one them and the accomplishments they have made this school year. But like any mother, with or without cancer, I am sad that my babies are moving closer to not needing me anymore. They are one year older and one year smarter. Soon they will not need me to study with them or help them with that ridiculously difficult project that no child does ALL BY HIMSELF. Each year they are growing more independent and self sufficient. The need for "MOM" is quickly going away and the need for friends is replacing me. The little blue eyed freckle face boys are now growing up to be handsome teenagers with girls following behind them. Their hugs that use to knock me over are becoming more of a light quick tap from a boy that is taller then me now. Bitter sweet in so many ways.
However on Friday my two youngest participated in a school talent show and it reminded me how I can still share in their joy without always being needed. They are officially musician now with Logan banging on drums and Nolan jamming on his electric guitar, sometimes Austen joins in on drums and keyboard. After this last diagnosis and the grim news that the doctors told me of my destiny, I joined them up for lessons so that they would have something they can do that will bring them together if I was not here to force it. Never in my wildest dreams though did I ever imagine that they would actually sound amazing enough in a year in a half to preform together in front of almost 500 of their peers. All I can add is that they rocked the house with the children chanting more more more. They ended up playing four songs with Logan flipping his drum sticks and spinning on his stool and Nolan playing behind his back and sliding across the floor. As Mark and I sat in the back of the school auditorium holding hands we both had tears rolling down our face and for once my husband was completely speechless. The pride in Mark's eyes was worth a million dollars to me.
As I stood in the back listening to their final rendition of "Born to be Wild" and watching the front of the stage covered with their classmates dancing and chanting their names I realized what cancer has done for our family. I felt reconfirmed that my fight may not 100% be for Mark and the boys anymore because they are going to be okay now without me. But that this battle I am is now for ME. I cannot miss my children's accomplishments as they go through their life. I have worked so hard to make these wild boys into amazing teenagers and it is now my time to sit back and enjoy me good work. The whole day I felt like I was walking on a cloud. Those boys that sat on our couch a year and a half ago clinging to me with rolling tears down their baby faces as we told them "THE NEWS" of mommies illness are fine now. They are strong and ready to tackle the world with me just slightly leading them in the right direction. They overcame my cancer and actually learned from my battle. They will be okay when the day comes.
Me on the hand, needs to be here to see them experience the grandest of life. I need to see their smiles so big that their faces hurt. Cancer has taught us that days like Friday is a battle won as we fight this war. This again is the "Good in Cancer". My boys have learned that if they give something their all and not quit on your dreams they can accomplish anything. But more importantly they have learned to lean on each other and work together. I understand that a song does not work with out all the instruments and a family does not work without each other. That night Nolan came up to me and said, "Mom, thanks for getting me lessons. I know that it is expensive and you worry about paying for them......but thanks." They are starting to get that living is more then just having a life......living is making the most of that life.
Sorry for the delay in post and I promise you this week I will catch everyone up on my "Cancer" battle. I really just had to share the "Good in Cancer" to remind myself that quitting is not an option.
Sunny
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