As many of you know Monday I had a CT scan of the liver to determine if the torture, chemo-embolization, I went through in August actually did something to the tumors in the liver. Yesterday was my appointment with Dr. Tsung, who replaced Dr. Gamblim, where we look at the scans and talk about the next steps. On Sunday night I really made up my mind that I would not let these next two days get the best of me. I prayed about them and then truly put it in His hands. You see I have never heard words from any of these doctors that there is positive and noticeable shrinkage in any of the tumors. More times then I want to remember I have heard that the cancer is growing quicker then they would like or that new tumors are popping up everywhere. I have gotten the sad eyes with the hand on my shoulder and the doctor standing above me, because for some reason they think that standing above me when they are telling this bad news makes it real. Not sure. One time a few months after my second trip to Switzerland a doctor told me that he thinks he may see a little shrinkage but not enough to tell. I am not sure if he was just saying that because he wanted me to feel okay about putting all the money we had plus a second mortgage on the line to receive these treatments or if he thought there was some shrinkage. Whatever the case it started growing shortly after that appointment. I have also heard that the tumors have remained stable, only to hear a few months later they have been growing again. However, I have always kept hope that all these treatments and crazy drugs I am taking will do something. Every appointment I go in ready to see smiles on the doctors faces when they enter the room instead of the usual practiced somber look.
Yesterday, was that day. Dr. Tsung came into my room with his usual entourage of nonspeaking med students beaming from ear to ear. He hopped in his seat and began asking me details about how I am feeling. I started telling him all my complaints, which frustrates the hell out of me because I have already went over it with three other white coat people, and he looked like he was going to burst and was really not listen to me. So I finally said something like: lets just get to the results first and then I'll start complaining. So he let it out like it was the first time he ever got to tell someone this, "It shrunk. The big one that I was worried about shrunk. It's almost half the size." He is young for a specialist and my verdict is still out on him. However I found his excitement quite cute and humbling. I was in shock, even though I had hoped. I guess I just thought I would not hear it this way.
He continued on, in a much more professional and stellar manner, about how its only one that shrunk out of several several other very major tumors in my body so I cannot get my guard down or even take a break on the treatment. I had to stop him because trust me I am never quitting and said, "let's just enjoy this moment doc." He laughed and in his accent shook his head and said, "YA YA WE ENJOY".
We talked about my surgery in Dec. and my Jan. Houston treatment trip. He gave me the lecture about this does not mean you are out of the woods. But I think he said, "OOODS". But truly it all went over my head. I stood up and grabbed his shoulder this time and said, "listen something is working, even if its just a little. Lets just enjoy that and not worry." I looked over a Mark who had tears rolling down his face. His tears I have seen so many times lately but this time they were tears of relief and happiness. Doc noticed too and said his good byes to leave us alone. Not much said at that moment except a quit, "it was all worth it."
This morning I had to take Nolan to the doctors. On the ride to the office he starting talking about the results of yesterday. He then said to me, "mom does this mean you are better?" . I told him no but it means that my fight is working and it just proves that nothing is impossible. He then asked me if the other day when were all in the car did I listen to the words of that song that was on the radio about imagining seeing God? I told him that I loved that song. He then said, "I've been thinking about that song for a couple of days and thought that would be like you when you see God. Mom, you would be in awe and not be afraid". Yes that is exactly how he said. Of course I was speechless and he broke the silence with, "but it wont be for a while now". He continued the conversation by asking if I remember when he and I were watching the sunrise and I told him that I was not afraid to die. I do remember that and I blogged about it. He then softly added, "Mom that is why God answered my prayers on Sunday night. He still needs you here for us. He does not want you to want to go to heaven too soon.". All I could do is shake my head yes and turn the radio up. Thankfully we were listening rock.
Truly the past four days, including today, shows the rollercoaster
Thank you for your prayers.
Sunny
By the way the Song he was talking about is "I Can Only Imagine", by MercyMe
SUNNY CARNEY After a courageous 10 year fight battling Carcinoid Cancer, Sunny Carney, of Plum, passed peacefully on Saturday, November 3. She was married to her devoted husband, Mark; and was a loving mother to Austen, Logan and Nolan; daughter of Patricia Jennings and the late James J. Jennings; daughter-in-law of Dale and Dottie Carney; sister of Judy Phillips (Ray Jr.), Lynn Pesta (Teddy), Michael Jennings (Vicki Lynn), James Jennings (Sue), Joseph Jennings (Elizabeth), Sheila Fortes (Jim); sister-in-law of Craig Carney (Julia). She is also survived by numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, and nephews, and was a true friend and inspiration to many.
In addition to being an inspiration to family and friends Sunny inspired carcinoid cancer patients across the globe through her blog, and then her book "The Sunny Side of Cancer. She spoke at numerous cancer events locally sharing stories of her journey which led her from Basel, Switzerland to all of the top Carcinoid Cancer specialists here in the states. She was an advocate for better diagnosis of the disease and for insurance coverage of treatments. She fought with grace and dignity, never letting the pain inside challenge her faith or diminish her love for life.
Memorials may be made to "Carney Family Fund", c/o S&T Bank, 2190 Hulton Road, Verona, PA 15147.
Friends received Monday 7-9 p.m. and Tuesday 3-8 p.m. at Unity Community Church, 215 Unity Center Road, Plum, PA 15239.
Funeral Services will be held on Wednesday at 11 a.m. in Unity Community Church with Rev. Frank Deluce officiating. Arrangements entrusted to CHARLES W. TRENZ FUNERAL HOME, INC.
VIEW GUEST BOOK Published in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
I remember when
Tomorrow is liver scan day and we will know if the chemo-embolization that I went through a few months ago attacked the tumors in the liver. I am a few weeks behind on this scan because I was having insurance issues again and really did not need to add to my mountain of medical bills on my dinning room table. It took me a few weeks to fight that blah blah blah of an insurance company but finally they agreed to pay. It's great to have such wonderful doctors because as soon as I called them on Friday to tell them I won the insurance battle I was slid in for my scan first thing Monday morning. Getting an appointment for a CT scan so quickly is kinda unheard of now a days so I am truly lucky. Mark has a client meeting, that I refused to let him cancel, so I am going alone.
As I plan for my day tomorrow I thought about how a year and a half ago going to a scan by myself was impossible for me. Never did I imagine I would ever be in a place that I was relaxed enough to take that on. Although, according to a few doctors they would of bet I would not be here today to attempt it. A year ago I would start thinking about the scan two days before and then obsess over the results. I would beg and beg God for good results or even just keep things the way they were. Asking Him over and over again not to give me anymore because I was not sure I could handle it. Then when I would get some not so positive news I would obsesses over what to do about it. Today I went to the calendar to see what tomorrow would bring and there it was, written in pink highlighter because a pen was nowhere to be found when the doc called, the word SCAN 10 AM. I had completely forgotten about it and not once this whole weekend did I think of the "what if's".
I remember when everything was riding on the results of the scans. It was if life stopped or took a pause from the time the scan was scheduled to the time I sat in the little room a few days later waiting to see the expression on the doctor's face. It's not like that anymore. Some might say its because I have been fighting for so long that I am use to it. I have to disagree with that because you never get "Used To" living with cancer. Others would say it's because I block it out. I am not sure if I block it out or just don't let IT, the cancer, take over my life. I over heard someone who knows me well, or at least thinks they know me well, at the Miles for Smiles 5k that I am finally accepting my cancer. Well I know that is not the case because I will never accept this monster or become content with it living inside of me. I know that whatever the results maybe I can handle it. I may not be happy and even may shed a tear or two but because of the support I have I can deal with whatever it is the doctor tells me.
Tuesday I have an appointment with my liver oncologist and the only thing I am worried about is making it home in time to get dinner on the table for the boys. We have a hectic evening of sports and homework planned. The thought of worrying about the "what if" it's growing still is the last thing on my mind. I refuse to give cancer that much credit. I am POSITIVE it's because I have faith that whatever it may be God will be with us. Please keep me in prayers that I continue to have peace in whatever is to come.
Sunny
As I plan for my day tomorrow I thought about how a year and a half ago going to a scan by myself was impossible for me. Never did I imagine I would ever be in a place that I was relaxed enough to take that on. Although, according to a few doctors they would of bet I would not be here today to attempt it. A year ago I would start thinking about the scan two days before and then obsess over the results. I would beg and beg God for good results or even just keep things the way they were. Asking Him over and over again not to give me anymore because I was not sure I could handle it. Then when I would get some not so positive news I would obsesses over what to do about it. Today I went to the calendar to see what tomorrow would bring and there it was, written in pink highlighter because a pen was nowhere to be found when the doc called, the word SCAN 10 AM. I had completely forgotten about it and not once this whole weekend did I think of the "what if's".
I remember when everything was riding on the results of the scans. It was if life stopped or took a pause from the time the scan was scheduled to the time I sat in the little room a few days later waiting to see the expression on the doctor's face. It's not like that anymore. Some might say its because I have been fighting for so long that I am use to it. I have to disagree with that because you never get "Used To" living with cancer. Others would say it's because I block it out. I am not sure if I block it out or just don't let IT, the cancer, take over my life. I over heard someone who knows me well, or at least thinks they know me well, at the Miles for Smiles 5k that I am finally accepting my cancer. Well I know that is not the case because I will never accept this monster or become content with it living inside of me. I know that whatever the results maybe I can handle it. I may not be happy and even may shed a tear or two but because of the support I have I can deal with whatever it is the doctor tells me.
Tuesday I have an appointment with my liver oncologist and the only thing I am worried about is making it home in time to get dinner on the table for the boys. We have a hectic evening of sports and homework planned. The thought of worrying about the "what if" it's growing still is the last thing on my mind. I refuse to give cancer that much credit. I am POSITIVE it's because I have faith that whatever it may be God will be with us. Please keep me in prayers that I continue to have peace in whatever is to come.
Sunny
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Decisions
I have always taken pride in the fact that I am not indecisive. Small choices or dilemma's I have no problem solving. I can pick out a wall color or an outfit and on I go. I don't deliberate on little things..... waste of time. When making a big decision especially a life changing decision, I pray and trust that God will lead me in the right direction. I then lay out the pros and cons and make the decision. I may sleep on it for a day or two but once I make up my mind I try to stick to it. I don't think of what would of happened if I chose the other road nor do I regret the road I took. I hate to over analyze it or obsess over it. Even with my treatment choices I can be a bit impulsive or quick. At times it drives Mark crazy because he is more of a thinker on the big things and I am more of a, "lets get it done and move on". But this last week its been difficult to move on because I had to wait for more test results before I could make a decision. Yesterday after my appointment with my main oncologist I finally laid out my treatment plan. I felt a bit disappointed and fearful yet relieved that I don't need to think or even obsess over it anymore.
Dr Freidland agreed with my orthro oncologist that my bones in my right hip and right femur need replaced or fixed (not sure what the right terminology may be). The cancer in the hip and femur is just eating away at the bones. Although I was hoping to start the experimental treatment in Houston, TX right away I need to put it on hold for a few months and have surgery. It is truly not what I wanted to do but I made the decision and its time to move on. I prayed so hard that God would lead me to the right treatment yet deep down I really thought I was not going to have the surgery. Although that is what I was hoping for, once my doctor said it needs to be done soon I sucked it up and I am now preparing for the long recovery. I have scheduled to be in Houston at the end of January.
After my appointment and a treatment, Mark and I went to lunch. The best thing about appointment and treatment days is that Mark and I are forced to spend time together. At lunch I told Mark that I was hoping that Dr. Freidland would tell me that the surgery could wait and to get on a plane to Houston. Then I went on to say I was hoping that my bones where not that bad and the pain was in my head. I then whispered, because I guess I felt if I said it out loud it would mean I was defeated, "this fucking cancer and all the crap I am doing to get rid of it is hopeless". He gave me that look he gives me when I do something off the wall or crazy and shook his head in disbelief that I even thought that. Or maybe he was surprised that I thought I was not really in pain. Whatever he was thinking I could tell he was disappointed in me. At that time it hit me that maybe this is my hope. Maybe this surgery is what I have been hoping for and just did not realizes it.
Charles L. Allen said, "When you say a situation is hopeless, you are slamming the door on God". I had just read that quote the night before. For a brief moment that is exactly what I was doing.......slamming the door closed. But like He does so often, especially when you have a relationship with Him, he turns you back in. God puts those with faith on a small leash. He lets it out once in awhile but pulls it back in when you start to wonder away. Evidently he lengthens that leash and lets you go further away and He then has to yank it harder and harder to get you back. But what I know from my own life is that he never lets that leash go. At times you may feel that you are lost but if you put your hand on the leash and slowly follow it back you will find God at the end.
I don't want to have the surgery. I am surely not going to pretend that I am not scared or not angry. What I am feeling though is grateful that I have faith. Faith that God made this decision and faith that he is here with me through the battle. That faith truly gives me the hope that I need to fight this cancer. I don't want to lose that hope again because with out it I have nothing.
Sunny
Monday, October 18, 2010
So its been forever since my last post. There is a list of excuses I could give as to why I've been slacking on my posts and updates, but truthfully I think I have just been avoiding the whole cancer subject; just going through the motions of treatments but not giving it any attention. Not to mention the point of limbo I am in not knowing what road to take with my treatment options. It truly at times can be so overwhelming that I just need to shut down for a few weeks and try to live like a normal non cancer life. However, I have learned that it does not go away and eventually I need to suck it up and start fighting again.
Reality hit me today when I went to my orthopedic oncologist appointment. As I was sitting in the little room they shove you in to make you think that your wait for the doctor is almost over, my mind started to wonder. I could not believe what I have been through in the past 2 1/2 years....I guess, am going through. I thought about the day I was told about this monster inside of me and the day I told my boys. Then my mind started going through all my treatments, my trips to Switzerland, my trips all over the US to specialist, and the whole battle in general. I started thinking about my last scan results and I predicting what this doctor was going to tell me. I did not have Mark with me today to distract me and the magazines were from 2008 so I did what I try so hard not to do and let my mind get the best of me.
Dr. McGough, Pittsburgh's finest orthopedic oncologist in my opinion, came into the room and instantly jumped right into the last bone scan results. I had already been told a few weeks ago from my overall oncologist that there has been a significant amount of growth in the bones especially in the femurs and hips where most of my bone pain is. So the news that he was telling me was no surprise. He then suggested surgery on the right hip and femur then eventually the left side. Again not new news, in fact it was something I've known in the back of my mind would have to be done sooner then I'd hope. We discussed timing and compared the timing to my treatments in Houston, Texas. Then out of nowhere my tears start flowing. He and the other two doctors that were in the room with us kept a straight and emotionless face. I could tell that they have seen this reaction hundreds if not thousands of times. One doc handed me a tissue and they went on with the exam. I was glad they did not try to console me or pity me but instead get on with the next step.
When I got in the car I took a deep breath or let out the breath I was holding....not sure which. I realized then that the way those doctors handled my tears is the way I need to handle my fight. I need to get on with the battle and not dwell on the bad news. I need to fix the problems and not avoid them. That is why I posted today. I needed to get it out of my mind and on to this screen so that I can get over it and start fighting again. I need to start focusing on fixing this cancer, start praying harder, and stop obsessing of the unknown. What I really NEED TO DO is BELIEVE in myself and my FAITH in GOD.
I have a call into my oncologist and will keep my blog updated on my treatments as soon as some decisions are made.
Sunny
Reality hit me today when I went to my orthopedic oncologist appointment. As I was sitting in the little room they shove you in to make you think that your wait for the doctor is almost over, my mind started to wonder. I could not believe what I have been through in the past 2 1/2 years....I guess, am going through. I thought about the day I was told about this monster inside of me and the day I told my boys. Then my mind started going through all my treatments, my trips to Switzerland, my trips all over the US to specialist, and the whole battle in general. I started thinking about my last scan results and I predicting what this doctor was going to tell me. I did not have Mark with me today to distract me and the magazines were from 2008 so I did what I try so hard not to do and let my mind get the best of me.
Dr. McGough, Pittsburgh's finest orthopedic oncologist in my opinion, came into the room and instantly jumped right into the last bone scan results. I had already been told a few weeks ago from my overall oncologist that there has been a significant amount of growth in the bones especially in the femurs and hips where most of my bone pain is. So the news that he was telling me was no surprise. He then suggested surgery on the right hip and femur then eventually the left side. Again not new news, in fact it was something I've known in the back of my mind would have to be done sooner then I'd hope. We discussed timing and compared the timing to my treatments in Houston, Texas. Then out of nowhere my tears start flowing. He and the other two doctors that were in the room with us kept a straight and emotionless face. I could tell that they have seen this reaction hundreds if not thousands of times. One doc handed me a tissue and they went on with the exam. I was glad they did not try to console me or pity me but instead get on with the next step.
When I got in the car I took a deep breath or let out the breath I was holding....not sure which. I realized then that the way those doctors handled my tears is the way I need to handle my fight. I need to get on with the battle and not dwell on the bad news. I need to fix the problems and not avoid them. That is why I posted today. I needed to get it out of my mind and on to this screen so that I can get over it and start fighting again. I need to start focusing on fixing this cancer, start praying harder, and stop obsessing of the unknown. What I really NEED TO DO is BELIEVE in myself and my FAITH in GOD.
I have a call into my oncologist and will keep my blog updated on my treatments as soon as some decisions are made.
Sunny
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Tomorrow
I am so excited about the third Annual Sunny Carney Carcinoid Cancer Wiffleball tournament tomorrow. Cancer can take away a lot of happiness in your life.....IF YOU LET IT. Raising awareness events can be depressing and sometimes just a reminder of what this cancer can destroy in you. I refuse to participate in those events because quite frankly, I am just not strong enough to give this cancer any credit. So when my husband and family were brainstorming on how to do our part for carcinoid cancer we wanted to come up with something that everyone enjoys to play and you don't have to be a pro to participate. The simple back yard game of Wiffleball was a fun suggestion that popped up and it all went from there.
It is truly an amazing day. A huge turnout of people all in one place having a blast with their family and friends. It has not only brought my family together but it has merge several communities in the Pittsburgh area. This year we have people coming from New York, New England, Florida and North Carolina to participate. With grills smoking, children bouncing from inflatable house to inflatable slide, bats swinging, beer pumping, music blasting, and most important faces smiling makes it a positive way to raise awareness of the invading monster called carcinoid cancer. It also has help me with my enormous medical cost and has helped a few other families fighting this cancer with their cost.
By the end of the day I will be dead tired and sore from all the hugs. But I will have that feeling that I get so often when I am fighting this cancer. Not the feeling of defeat or breakdown. But the feeling of love, support and mostly HOPE.
Please come out and feel that feeling too. See all the information above.
Sunny
It is truly an amazing day. A huge turnout of people all in one place having a blast with their family and friends. It has not only brought my family together but it has merge several communities in the Pittsburgh area. This year we have people coming from New York, New England, Florida and North Carolina to participate. With grills smoking, children bouncing from inflatable house to inflatable slide, bats swinging, beer pumping, music blasting, and most important faces smiling makes it a positive way to raise awareness of the invading monster called carcinoid cancer. It also has help me with my enormous medical cost and has helped a few other families fighting this cancer with their cost.
By the end of the day I will be dead tired and sore from all the hugs. But I will have that feeling that I get so often when I am fighting this cancer. Not the feeling of defeat or breakdown. But the feeling of love, support and mostly HOPE.
Please come out and feel that feeling too. See all the information above.
Sunny
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
10/10/10
The Third Annual Wiffle Ball tournament for Carcinoid Cancer is this Sunday. It's an amazing event that is all about fun, food, community and family. It's a fun back yard game that turned into an event with over 500 people. Come to play or just come to enjoy the picnic. Some amazing Chinese auction items.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
September 19, 1996
Fourteen years ago today I experienced one of God's most amazing miracles, the birth of my oldest son. I was told two years earlier that because of ovarian cancer, which later we find was actually carcinoid cancer, having children was completely out of the picture. I accepted that and went on with my life. Every year since his birth on this day the very first thing I think of is the day I found out I was pregnant with Austen. I think it was the very first time that I truly believed that anything is possible. As I left my doctors office with the news I remember just sitting in my car, closing my eyes and thanking God for the chance to be a mother. At that time I promised Him that I would give all I have into raising the gift he gave me in his faith. I was raised with a strong faith and knew all about God. I prayed and went to church every Sunday. Went 12 years of catholic school and truly believed in God and all the rest I was taught. But never before that day did I realizes how powerful HE really is.
The whole pregnancy I was in disbelief. I don't think I really knew or wanted to imagine how wonderful my life would change when he was born. I did everything the doc told me and more to stay healthy while I was carrying him. However, I don't think I believed it was actually happening until I held him for the first time on September 19, 1996 at 7:58 P.M.. Mark was jumping up and down because it was a boy, my dad was thrilled that he had another grandson to add to his sports addicted family and I was just so in love with this perfect huge baby. Insistently I knew that this baby was my miracle from God. He looked up at me with those big blue eyes as if to say, "I'm safe right here.". I see that look every once and a while now and it brings me right back to that day. It was truly one of those perfect Hallmark moments.
Since that day fourteen years ago my life has had many peaks and valley. I have gone through more in those fourteen years then some will ever go through in a lifetime. But one thing that remains constant is my will to be the best mother to all three of the miracles God has given me. Some might say that my boys have been given a raw deal in life because they have a mom that has an incurable cancer. But I believe that they are truly blessed that they have a mom that is so thankful for them that she realizes how blessed she is. Sure their time with me may one day be cut short but I am determined to make everyday count to them when I am here.
When I hugged Austen this morning I did not want to let go. Of course he hugged me back quickly and went on to the box of special birthday donuts I surprise him with every year. The only surprise he would have is if I did not sneak to Oakmont Bakery at 6 am on his birthday. I mentioned to him that the day he was born was one of the three happiest days of my life. He smiled and then said, "it was the first of the three happiest day of your life". I made a big fuss over how special this day is for him and all of us. Then I kissed him on the head (he was sitting down because he is several inches taller then me) and I started to walk out of the kitchen to let him eat in peace. As I was walking by him he gave me that same look he gave me the first day of his life but added a big smile to it. His smile reaches from ear to ear. I knew then that he felt safe and happy no matter what cancer brings us. Today was his birthday and that was all that matter.
Yes September 19th is Austen's very own special day, but it is my very own special day too. It is the day that I opened my eyes to God's abilities. It is the day that changed my life forever.
Sunny
The whole pregnancy I was in disbelief. I don't think I really knew or wanted to imagine how wonderful my life would change when he was born. I did everything the doc told me and more to stay healthy while I was carrying him. However, I don't think I believed it was actually happening until I held him for the first time on September 19, 1996 at 7:58 P.M.. Mark was jumping up and down because it was a boy, my dad was thrilled that he had another grandson to add to his sports addicted family and I was just so in love with this perfect huge baby. Insistently I knew that this baby was my miracle from God. He looked up at me with those big blue eyes as if to say, "I'm safe right here.". I see that look every once and a while now and it brings me right back to that day. It was truly one of those perfect Hallmark moments.
Since that day fourteen years ago my life has had many peaks and valley. I have gone through more in those fourteen years then some will ever go through in a lifetime. But one thing that remains constant is my will to be the best mother to all three of the miracles God has given me. Some might say that my boys have been given a raw deal in life because they have a mom that has an incurable cancer. But I believe that they are truly blessed that they have a mom that is so thankful for them that she realizes how blessed she is. Sure their time with me may one day be cut short but I am determined to make everyday count to them when I am here.
When I hugged Austen this morning I did not want to let go. Of course he hugged me back quickly and went on to the box of special birthday donuts I surprise him with every year. The only surprise he would have is if I did not sneak to Oakmont Bakery at 6 am on his birthday. I mentioned to him that the day he was born was one of the three happiest days of my life. He smiled and then said, "it was the first of the three happiest day of your life". I made a big fuss over how special this day is for him and all of us. Then I kissed him on the head (he was sitting down because he is several inches taller then me) and I started to walk out of the kitchen to let him eat in peace. As I was walking by him he gave me that same look he gave me the first day of his life but added a big smile to it. His smile reaches from ear to ear. I knew then that he felt safe and happy no matter what cancer brings us. Today was his birthday and that was all that matter.
Yes September 19th is Austen's very own special day, but it is my very own special day too. It is the day that I opened my eyes to God's abilities. It is the day that changed my life forever.
Sunny
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Thunderstorm/Problems
"Don't tell God how big your problem is, tell your problem how big your GOD is."
Last night in Pittsburgh God gave us a laser show in the sky. Along with that show came a loud concert of thunder and a cool down of rain. I love thunderstorms especially at night when you are snug in bed and the blankets are wrapped around you like a big hug. I have this huge desire to open all the windows and just let the rain and wind come pouring in. Mark would never approve of that though. He would be yapping about the hardwood floors getting destroyed and the bugs coming in. But one time I am just going to do it. I am just going to let it all in and feel that cool breeze and strong wind. It'll drive him crazy and probably piss him off but I am going to do it. Why do we always run out of the rain or slam the windows shut so quickly? What are we afraid of? Some water or getting wet? I never understand why we must rush out of an actual storm instead of just awing in its grander? Why don't we just let it be and enjoy it?
One at a time the boys came into the room to check on me and see if I had a flashlight for them. Mark was out and he is the one that knows were the flashlights are so I told them to just hang out until Dad got home. They sat at the end of my bed and started wrestling around (yes in the dark) and chatting. After they calmed down, Nolan began to talk about how cool it is when the lightening lights up the entire room. The conversation started to turn towards how cool it is that God can make the whole sky light up. Okay, I turned the conversation. Austen and Logan started to get that teenage boredom and uncomfortableness with the turn of the wrestling to a long talk so they started to walk out of the room. That is when I just had to say to them, "you know sometimes we think that our problems are so big that it seems like nothing will fix them. Then we see this amazing night and we realize that God is bigger then any situation or problem we could possibly have". They gave me a quiet ya and off to bed they went. Leaving their little brother behind to listen to the rest of the lecture.
Nolan and I just sat there quietly giving a wow each time we saw a strike of lightening. I'm wondering if they got what I was saying or they just humored me when they answered me? Whatever the case may be, someday that comment may come in handy for them. I hope they remember last night and exactly when they heard it. I hope that they know that this is how I fought my battle....pure faith in HIM. I hope I planted the seed so if or when I am not around they can realize how amazing and powerful our God can be. I hope they learned from that one simple sentence that nothing is impossible with faith.
Another Good In Cancer: the ability to see God's power in a simple thunderstorm.
"Don't tell God how big your problem is, tell your problem how big your GOD is."
Sunny
Last night in Pittsburgh God gave us a laser show in the sky. Along with that show came a loud concert of thunder and a cool down of rain. I love thunderstorms especially at night when you are snug in bed and the blankets are wrapped around you like a big hug. I have this huge desire to open all the windows and just let the rain and wind come pouring in. Mark would never approve of that though. He would be yapping about the hardwood floors getting destroyed and the bugs coming in. But one time I am just going to do it. I am just going to let it all in and feel that cool breeze and strong wind. It'll drive him crazy and probably piss him off but I am going to do it. Why do we always run out of the rain or slam the windows shut so quickly? What are we afraid of? Some water or getting wet? I never understand why we must rush out of an actual storm instead of just awing in its grander? Why don't we just let it be and enjoy it?
One at a time the boys came into the room to check on me and see if I had a flashlight for them. Mark was out and he is the one that knows were the flashlights are so I told them to just hang out until Dad got home. They sat at the end of my bed and started wrestling around (yes in the dark) and chatting. After they calmed down, Nolan began to talk about how cool it is when the lightening lights up the entire room. The conversation started to turn towards how cool it is that God can make the whole sky light up. Okay, I turned the conversation. Austen and Logan started to get that teenage boredom and uncomfortableness with the turn of the wrestling to a long talk so they started to walk out of the room. That is when I just had to say to them, "you know sometimes we think that our problems are so big that it seems like nothing will fix them. Then we see this amazing night and we realize that God is bigger then any situation or problem we could possibly have". They gave me a quiet ya and off to bed they went. Leaving their little brother behind to listen to the rest of the lecture.
Nolan and I just sat there quietly giving a wow each time we saw a strike of lightening. I'm wondering if they got what I was saying or they just humored me when they answered me? Whatever the case may be, someday that comment may come in handy for them. I hope they remember last night and exactly when they heard it. I hope that they know that this is how I fought my battle....pure faith in HIM. I hope I planted the seed so if or when I am not around they can realize how amazing and powerful our God can be. I hope they learned from that one simple sentence that nothing is impossible with faith.
Another Good In Cancer: the ability to see God's power in a simple thunderstorm.
"Don't tell God how big your problem is, tell your problem how big your GOD is."
Sunny
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Accomplishment
First in this post I need to just YELL, THANK YOU!!! Thank you for all your prayers this week. Thank you for just being a phone call away when Mark or I needed you all. Thank you for all the help getting my boys prepared for school today. Thank you for the emails, messages and texts showing me your support and love.
Its been a rough week. The chemoembolization procedure to the liver went well with no complication. I only had a short stay in the hospital and the kids did great with my mom at home. She even told me they were good, that's huge. The pain was there but I got through it. The nausea and vomiting was normal. It was just as expected. But I did not handle it well. I was frustrated and impatient. Actually, I still am a little. I want to be well and back at things.
However that is not why I posted today. I am posting today because it is the first day of school again and I am here to see my boys go. BC (before cancer) I use to hate the first day of school. I loved having my boys home and had anxieties about sending them on a school bus packed with wild kids. Not this year or the year before. This year I cried tears of joy. JOY that I am here to see them make it through one more milestone. This last week, because of the embolization, I have been really sick and unable to get up with them. I have been in bed most of the week recovering and the smell of food has been enough to make me not want to get out of bed. So last night I prayed really hard that God will give me the strength to at least be able to see them walk out the door. Then I thought "that's not good enough", so I prayed for God to give me the strength to get them up and at least get some breakfast for them. Then it came to me that I always tell the boys that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE IF YOU HAVE FAITH IN GOD, so I prayed even louder that He give me strength to get up before them, wake them up with my traditional first day of school chant, make each one of them their favorite first day of school breakfast, take their photos at the same place I have for the past ten years, take them to the bus stop to photograph the neighborhood kids and wave goodbye. I was asking a lot considering how I was feeling yesterday, but He can part seas and move mountains why not help a mom get out of bed.
So this morning at 4:30 am I opened my eyes to intense pain and nausea like I have everyday this week. However, today I got my little butt out of bad, forced some yogurt and IB Prophen down my throat. I got a shower and waited by the alarm clock until it started blaring our favorite station to warn us its time for them to get up and the craziness to begin. I was able to do it all, even cook. I did it and did it well. The hugs were stronger this year, after all Austen is reaching six foot. The photos were more this year because the memories are more important. I even got in a few not caring how I looked. But what was really noticeably different is that my boys were confident, strong, and happy. I know it was because they saw me be me. So I had to keep the traditions going and shed some tears, but they were tears of pure JOY. The were tears of pride and accomplishment. Mostly though, they were tears of THANKS. Thanks to God for all my answered prays. Thanks to all my family who goes beyond lengths for me and my boys. Thanks for my friends and community who have been stepping in to help.
Today is going to be a great day, but I think I need a nap now.
Sunny
Its been a rough week. The chemoembolization procedure to the liver went well with no complication. I only had a short stay in the hospital and the kids did great with my mom at home. She even told me they were good, that's huge. The pain was there but I got through it. The nausea and vomiting was normal. It was just as expected. But I did not handle it well. I was frustrated and impatient. Actually, I still am a little. I want to be well and back at things.
However that is not why I posted today. I am posting today because it is the first day of school again and I am here to see my boys go. BC (before cancer) I use to hate the first day of school. I loved having my boys home and had anxieties about sending them on a school bus packed with wild kids. Not this year or the year before. This year I cried tears of joy. JOY that I am here to see them make it through one more milestone. This last week, because of the embolization, I have been really sick and unable to get up with them. I have been in bed most of the week recovering and the smell of food has been enough to make me not want to get out of bed. So last night I prayed really hard that God will give me the strength to at least be able to see them walk out the door. Then I thought "that's not good enough", so I prayed for God to give me the strength to get them up and at least get some breakfast for them. Then it came to me that I always tell the boys that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE IF YOU HAVE FAITH IN GOD, so I prayed even louder that He give me strength to get up before them, wake them up with my traditional first day of school chant, make each one of them their favorite first day of school breakfast, take their photos at the same place I have for the past ten years, take them to the bus stop to photograph the neighborhood kids and wave goodbye. I was asking a lot considering how I was feeling yesterday, but He can part seas and move mountains why not help a mom get out of bed.
So this morning at 4:30 am I opened my eyes to intense pain and nausea like I have everyday this week. However, today I got my little butt out of bad, forced some yogurt and IB Prophen down my throat. I got a shower and waited by the alarm clock until it started blaring our favorite station to warn us its time for them to get up and the craziness to begin. I was able to do it all, even cook. I did it and did it well. The hugs were stronger this year, after all Austen is reaching six foot. The photos were more this year because the memories are more important. I even got in a few not caring how I looked. But what was really noticeably different is that my boys were confident, strong, and happy. I know it was because they saw me be me. So I had to keep the traditions going and shed some tears, but they were tears of pure JOY. The were tears of pride and accomplishment. Mostly though, they were tears of THANKS. Thanks to God for all my answered prays. Thanks to all my family who goes beyond lengths for me and my boys. Thanks for my friends and community who have been stepping in to help.
Today is going to be a great day, but I think I need a nap now.
Sunny
Friday, August 27, 2010
short but sweet.....well maybe not so sweet
So I am home from the hospital and UGH is all I can say. The chemoembolizatioan went but we wont know if it worked for eight weeks. I wish I could say it was a walk in the park but I don't want anyone to think I am some superwoman. It sucks and I feel crappy. Sorry for the yucky thoughts. Please keep me in your prayers.
On the bright side I am better then the first one I had a year and half ago.
Sunny
On the bright side I am better then the first one I had a year and half ago.
Sunny
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