About Results

Hello my friends.  I know that everyone is waiting for the results of my last scans done on Fri.  I did have a doctor's appointment today where we went over them.  However, the original scans were compared to an older scan and not the scans I had done in Switzerland.  Even though my oncologist still could read what was going on we don't have all the size answers.  He is sending them back to radiology to have them be compared to the right scans.  I promise as soon as we figure everything out and I can filter through all the findings I will post them. 

I am not trying to cushion any news, I just don't want to write inaccurate information.  Not to mention Mark and I have not sat down and talked about any options.  So as soon as Mark and I are all updated we will talk to everyone about them.  I do however ask for prayer while my oncologist, Dr. Friedland, consults with other specialist. 

Love you all,
Sunny

HOPE

Last week a friend of mine sent me a CD of music written by a man with a brain tumor.  When David Bailey was diagnosed he was told by many doctors he had six months to a year to live, sounds familiar.  David, spent his time writing inspirational and Christian music while he fought through his treatments.  David lost his battle after a 14 year fight but he defiantly gave the world his gifts. He proved the doctors wrong in so many ways.  One of his songs, "Lived Forever", he talks about the day the doctors gave him the news.  He said the doctor may be smart but the Lord is my doctor.  On the inside cover of his one CD titled "Hope" he writes the following:

Hope is...the river of life between the shores of love and the bridges that joins the two.
Hope is...the first ray of sunlight in the dawn of each new day.
Hope is...the song of the dogwood that echoes in the dead of winter.
Hope is...the journey to the undiscovered and the safe harbor that awaits your return.
Hope is...a silent street at midnight in the middle of the city.
Hope is...life at the oasis, vision at the summit, and peace in the valley

Hope surrounds you like the mist surrounds the rocky coast; it is with you as you sleep and greets you as you wake.
it is the shirt upon you back, the belt around your waist, the sandal on your foot.and the prayer within your soul.
Remember the nervous flight of the autumin leaf;
Hope is the wind that catches it, carries it, tenders it,
and finally delivers it the rest beside the acorn.

Hope is the art of faith;
it is where theses songs were born
and how they found their wings.


These are words I've wanted to say but don't know how to say them.  Hope is all I have to hang onto.   Today I had a day of cancer frustration.  I went to Hillman to receive my treatment and for a scheduled appointment for my oncologist to discuss my big scan results from Friday.  These scans will determine one if the Switzerland treatment has done anything.  Two it will hopefully why my pain has increased in the last six months.  They are to be sent to Switzerland so that I can plan out my next treatment step.  When I got there of course my insurance was not covering a treatment that I have been getting for two years and has always been covered.  Which meant until I go home and do the three hour phone calls to straighten it all up, NO TREATMENTS.  Then I go to my appointment and the scans have not even been read yet.  They want me to wait while they rush a reading.  Like I am asking for them to grade a term paper or something.  This is my life on film, I was not letting them rush through the reading of them and giving me a half attempt for a report.  I have been there and done that show before.  It is not reading tea leaves or tarot cards.  This is terminal cancer you are looking at. The importance of a great report is what will determine my fight.   So we reschedule it all.

 I started to get upset and angry that both Mark and I waisted a whole day.  Mark taking off work and me struggling in this unexpected freezing tempsI thought about my hope.  I felt like nobody who are suppose to be taking care of me had no respect for me or my time.  They go on with their lives after the make the typo error for insurance codes or take their time in looking at few scans.  They don't see their time as an hour glass like I do....what does it matter if I need to wait.   They are not going anywhere.  I felt a tear ran down my face.  Not a tear of sadden but a tear of defeat.  Then I starting thinking about hope.  The words above which I read as I waited for Mark to get ready to take me to the appointments start going over in my head.  "HOPE SUNNY".....I kept hearing.  I looked at Mark who normally would be fuming and cursing.  He seemed like he could care less that we waisted our time.  I said no more about the day while I wiped me tears.  Then I thought, "find something good in this or you will go crazy".  I then realized that If I had treatment I would not be able to go to Nolan's basketball game tonight.  At that moment I had HOPE.

Whatever the results are I put in God's hands.  It's not going to change my love for my children, my toughest fight or my FAITH AND HOPE!!!! So what is a few day.  Not to mention I got to go to his game. 

I will be getting my results later this week.  I promise I will write a post on the results, the next game plan and why my pain is so bad.  However it may take me a few days for me to disgust and make plans.  Please understand that. 

With love,
Sunny

Scan Day

Well this is the day that will determine if all the money we spent to get to Switzerland was worth it.  Today is my scan day.  I am sitting here at Hillman Cancer Center in the waiting room filled with cancer patients or maybe cancer patients all waiting to see if there life is going to change forever.  As I look around, I love people watching, I want so badly to give each one a huge hug.  I've been fighting for so long and had hundreds of scan I guess I don't get as anxious as most.  It is so interesting to see how each person handles their wait.  For some reason even without looking for the wrist bracelets I got really good at determining which one is the patient and which one is the loved one or ones sitting with them.  To the left of me is a well dressed man in a suit sitting with I think must be his wife.  She is all done up to the nines and is flipping through an Arhouse Funiture Magazine.  Every once in a while she leans over to him and shows him a page, he shakes his head and puts on a fake smile.  He keeps checking his messages on his cell phone and answering his emails.  He seems annoyed that he has to wait because he really needs to get back to work and make some of the money his wife is planning on spending.  But I think deep down they are both a nervous wreck.  Mark is sitting a across from him and the man in the suit and Mark strike up a conversation about waiting.  I want to say, "Listen dude cancer does not wait for you to close a deal.  Suck it up". 

Two rows in front of me is a woman in her 50's I would say.  Who knows though she could be in her 20's but cancer ages many?  She is in a wheelchair and has a scarf over her bald head.  She looks exhausted.  She caught me looking at her and we smile at each other. I think she is alone.  Over by the door is elderly man smiling from ear to ear.  He is drinking that nasty crap they make us drink and he is loving it.  It looks like his wife and maybe his son are sitting with him.  They too have a smile on their faces but behind it is a worry I can see.  He is loving that drink crap.  He is holding his wife's hand and leaning over his lap to struck up conversation with his son who I would say is in his late 40's and dressed pretty well too.  That man just seems happy to be with his family even though it in the waiting room for cancer scans.  Goodness that little old man is an inspiration.  His son seems to think so too. 

There is a man with a whole group of people with him sitting on the other side of the room.  I am listening to them talking to another couple sitting there.  They drove four hours to get here for a PET CT SCAN.  They must of taken a big van because there is a whole group of them.  They seem to be making the best of the situation.  It sure is nice to see all those people supporting him.  The nurse just called the little old mans name to come to the back.  Mr. Kennedy was his name and he jump right up and said, "I'm yours for a while, but my wife wants me back.  The girl laughed and his wife shook her head yes and she looked so sad".  He hopped right back with the nurse with that same big smile on.  I bet he's trying to put a big front on for his wife and son.  What a true leader of his family!  I looked back over to the son and wife and she is now holding her son's hand.  SWEET!!!  I hope he gets good news. 

I think I am next so I am going to end now.  I will not get any results back until next week and I will update with a post.  PROMISE.  Please pray that I can finish the scan.  It so painful for me anymore.  I am putting the results in God's hands.  What they are they are and I can't worry about them.  It's out of my control right now. 

Just called me name. 

Sunny

Little Miracles

I am sorry for the laps of post.  I have been really trying to control the pain and focus on staying strong.  It's been hard for me to sit at the computer.  I really miss pouring my heart out in this blog. I forgot how therapeutic it is for me.  Yesterday I was discussing with Mark how this bout of pain has really taken me down this time.  I am so exhausted from fighting it that I have no energy to do anything but focus on controlling it.  Through our conversation I told him I felt like everyone Else's lives are moving on and I am just on the outside looking in.  Of course when I start talking that way Mark was instructed many years ago to snap me out of it.  He told me that everyone is missing my posts and no matter how much pain I'm in I need to post.  I knew he was right because I always feel better when I write it all down and then just move on.

I have to share with you an experience that I had this week with just a simple call to my cell phone company.  I have been fighting with my cellular phone company about charges on my bill from Switzerland.  To make a long story not so long, I purchased a international plan right before I left for my treatments in Switzerland.  It was a plan that was to discount phone calls and text messaging for any international calls I make.  I purchased the plan on my entire families phones so that the boys can call me anytime when I was gone and the bill would not blows us away.  Well they charged our account but never gave us the discount.  My phone bill from Switzerland was outrageous because they did not calculated it correctly.  I have called AT&T six times since January and each time I am told I am right and they will credit my account.  Well it never happened, so this being my seventh call it is safe to say that someone was getting a "Sunny Smackdown". 

After going through the whole ten minute menu of press one for this, press eight for this, press 65 for a sandwich and diet coke, I finally get a live person.  Of course now just in this phone call alone I have started to explain the situation three times and then quickly get placed on hold and transferred.  I was in horrible pain and completely frustrated  by now.  A simple call which should take no longer the 10 minutes and is now going on 20 minutes and I have not even talked to the right person yet.  Finally another operator answer and before he could say, "Hello my name is John and thank you for calling AT&T, how can I help you?", I immediately ask him to please don't transfer me.  Once again explain the situation to John and he kindly says, just like the others, he will take the charges off.  As he clicks on the keyboard he asked me how I enjoyed Basel, Switzerland.  In a casual conversation I told him fine and he continued to ask more questions like why I chose Basel to travel too.  I told him the reason for being there was cancer treatments.  He of course, like everyone else, said he was sorry to hear that and then continued to click on the keyboard.  after about a minute of him clicking and small talk he then said that he could hear in my voice that I have faith.  I paused and said I do.

Then the conversation took a turn to faith and hope. We talked for a minute or two about believing in the impossible and miracles.  He asked me if he could have his church pray for me.  Of course I am a strong believer in pray and the more the prays the more God hears, so please spread the word.  He then told me that he has been through a lot in life and something that he says over and over again is PUSH.  I agreed that we should keep pushing but he took it further.  PUSH meaning Pray Until Something Happens.  I thanked him and joked that I was also going to PUSH that my bill gets corrected too. I really just wanted to end the call because I was exhausted and did not want to talk.  At the end of the conversation he wished me blessing and told me that he needed to talk to me.  He explained that his brother was just diagnosed yesterday with cancer and he did not know what to say to him.  I told him to tell him what he just told me and if says he tells his brother he will pray for him to really pray for him. 

He claimed he credited my bill, he wished me good luck and we ended the conversation.  When I think about the whole purpose of the phone call it awes me as to what I got out of the call.  Since I have been diagnosed I have been praying for the miracle of healing.  Over and Over again I read the scriptures that tells about all the wonderful miracles of healing.  I know that it is possible.  But in the last few weeks I could not help by wonder why its taking so long.  Maybe it's not God's will for me to be healed.  I have been questioning why I have had so many small prays answered but that one big one has not been answered.  When the pain is at its peak its so hard to keep myself from traveling to the dark side. I don't feel sorry for myself or ask why me but I do wonder why my pray for complete healing has not been answered. 

After my conversation with AT&T John I realized that in waiting for that big miracle to be healed maybe I sometimes miss the little miracles.  Maybe the conversation with John would never have happened if I was healed.  I think both John and I needed to talk to each other.  Who would of guess that a conversation like this one would had happen at that moment.  But it did and it was meaningful to both of us.  I would hope that even after I am cured I will still want to help others get through their cancer battles. But maybe God has other plans for me. I also hope that after I am cured I will still be moved by an event like what happen with John.  I can tell you that my battle is getting harder then I ever expected.  My kids and husband are tired of seeing me suffer.  So am ready more then ever to receive my healing.  I refuse to believe that it will never happen.  I know that my cancer is suppose to be incurable. But I also know that nothing is impossible.  I have to hang on to hope or I have nothing else left.  I also know that throughout my battle there has been little miracles that are sometimes missed because I want so bad for the big miracle to come.  I am going to try to focus my attention on those little miracles and still reach for the BIG ONE. 

Please keep my family and myself in your prays.  Its been a rough road lately and with our strength we are hanging on.  Sometimes I feel like we are very much like that cute poster of the kitten falling and hanging on a rope, written on the poster is Hang In There.  That is how we are doing it, if we let go a little down we will go. 

With Much Love,
Sunny