Sunny Carney Carcinoid Cancer Fund

Home Sweet Home

2012-01-31T05:26:00.000-08:00

I am so happy to report I am back from Switzerland. We arrived home late Saturday night to be greeted by my mom, a spotless home and three of the most amazing man-childs ever. That is my nickname for my big teenage boys. The four of them and our crazy beagle greeted me with the biggest smiles ever. My mom said the boys where wonderful and her time with them was wonderful. "They were great and so funny. I had no problems at all", she kept saying over and over. I can't say, even if it wasn't true, how good it is for a mother to hear that about her boys. Especially with what my three have been going through recently. However, I tell them all the time that my cancer and our struggles are not an excuse to complain or not do your best. It's a cop out to let your bad times pull you down. If you use them as a reason why you can't accomplish something then you are a failure. Sounds a bit harsh but it is truly how I want my boys to live their lives. I tell them, as I put my hand on my chest and go through the pull motion (I know this because we just had this conversation last night about it), these are the times you reach deep down inside you and pull out all you got left.  When you finally learn to do that then you see exactly what your made of. Nobody can take that fight away from you. Each adversity it gets easier and easier. If my boys use my cancer as a reason for them not to be their best then anything in life would pull them down. Life is full of obstacles that you can find as reasons why you can't accomplish things. Why let those hurdles be your excuse. Instead let them be your fuel. I recently read a story about a 22 year old man that lost his hands and legs from the knees down in Iraq by a road side bomb. Before he went to war to save our freedom he loved to climb the West Virgina Mountains with his girl. He had never been anywhere else in the US let alone the world. He had made a deal with his fiancee that when he got back they were going to climb MT. McKinley. So of course the doctors told him that would be impossible after his injuries.  He got so angry with the whole war and the bombers that he used that fuel to work hard and only six mouths after was with his now wife climbing. No Excuses!!!!

I am happy to report the flight on the way home was uneventful. Of course I was really sick and in some pain but we were able to fight through it. The airlines changed our tickets and gave us a whole four seater row. Of course I tried to talk them into an upgrade to a least business class but I guess a 90 lbs cancer mother from Pittsburgh is not worth the upgrade and when they told us they would be happy to for $3000 a ticket I almost lost my breakfast again. We were three rows back from First class and perfect. I was able to stretch out and when I did get sick to my stomach no one was able to hear or see me much. Mark was wonderful. Truly great. He held the bag for me to upchuck in and covered me up with a towel so not many saw. We joked about it that he learned how do this in college when I would party a little too hard. I never like anyone see me look gross. Actually, that is how I felt, like I had one of those old college hangovers. The ones I tell my teenagers you get EVERYTIME you drink when your body is not mature enough to handle it. I think it's kept them away so far because they can't bear to see me sick so the fear of them feeling that way has detored them thus far....I think. Mark carried everything through all of our layovers we had. For some reason on each one we landed at the A termanal and took off at the X and Z termanal. I honestly could not make that up. In Germany we asked ahead of time for a wheelchair but I'm guessing they call them something else over there because when we got off the plane there was no wheelchair. Mark said I probably would not of let them push me anyways. So we trucked our butts through customs and to termanal X and he carried everything. At one point he even wanted me to get on his back, of course he was joking.

As we were sitting on the long 9 hour flight from Germany to Philly. I got really sick. I started sweating and vomiting. He was just wonderful. He helped me through it all. At one point he just held me and prayed. The plane was full of people but I don't think we even noticed. Of course most were sleeping and it was dark. When I finally got settled I started thinking that this is so not what we had planned for our lives that hot July day 17 yrs ago when we said I do. We had so many goals and dreams. We were so young and vain. Both with successful starts of our career. We were carefree and somewhat independent of each other. We were in love and close but not that couple that always had to be together kissing and hugging. We had faith and prayed together but nothing like we have now. I know he loved me then but when he looked at me he saw beauty. That is what his first attraction was to me....my looks. Not my heart, my fight, or anything else.  As I was sitting there I thought how unfair it is for him now. He thought he was getting this beautiful, high spirit wife and now he is sitting next a fragile terminally ill wife.  He didn't want to be holding a puke bag or flying half way across the world to see her cry in pain. I'm sure he did not want to work his butt off to only have his vacation be a trip to Switzerland sitting in a hospital watching his wife be stuck and pricked. He never thought he would be the one taking care of me. I have to admit the first years of our marriage I thought he was quite lucky to have me. It sounds conceded now but I was pretty strong and confident that he got a great catch.

As I was thinking I guess a tear ran down my face. He saw it and wiped it. He then gave me a thumbs up and mouthed, "you can do it, last big hurdle". I shook my head yes and then told him what I was thinking.  He looked at me so funny.  He then explained to me that the times he spends with me fighting this nasty devil is so special to him. He told me I taught him so much about life that he would of never learned or experienced if I did not marry him. I could not believe what he was saying. He said he would never changed one minute except make it all go away now. Mark and I have had many struggles besides cancer in our marriage. Of course every marriage has difficulties. We were raised very differently and those differences came to head many times over the years. Mark has always been very social and loves a great party. I was raised with many brothers and sisters so my parties were with my family.  We had several differences on raising the boys. Mine being they are to always be best friends, respect each other, and the boys were to put their brothers first before any friend.  Mark disagreed with me about alot of the family togetherness and the emphasis I put on the three muskenteers. Mark has a small family that togetherness was never as important. Mark worked 12 hour days and then was very social with clients at night. I was more about being together and material things were not as important as being with each.  We are both very driven however many times what drove us was not the same thing.  So putting the cancer aside we had other issues to overcome too.

As we started talking it hit me that even though we may seem to sometimes want to just choke each other there is no way we could do this without each other. The bond a couple gets while battling the cancer beast is something that seems impossible to break. The way we were raised or family values are not important when you only have each other. I remember when we were told about this last diagnosis and that it was defiantly terminal.  I went home and started doing research and remember reading that 75% of marriages break up when a family has been stricken with cancer. The number did not even shock me at the time because we had been through this once before and I knew it was a rough emotional road for a marriage. I showed the report to Mark and he pooed it off but immediately made an appointment with our pastor. That's when it occurred to both of us I think, though we never talked about it, that we needed to let God control the marriage. Trust me its not been easy. We have struggled at times and we both can be selfish at times. Of course him more then me, just joking. But even when things seem hopeless with us we somehow get it back together.  I know it's because God is part of it all.  On Sunday I was hiding in my room sick, not wanting the boys or my mom seeing me, and Mark came in to check on me.  He sat next to me and kept saying it'll pass Sun.....I promise this will pass.  I said to him that he has really has seen me at my worse more then I have seen me. I asked him if he ever wants someone else to take over for a bit so he can get a break. He said, "I will never let you go to Switzerland with anyone else because I would feel so disconnected to you right now. I would never understand what you are going through if I wasn't right there with you. Not to mention you are the ying to my yang". I laughed and told him never to say the ying yang thing again....sounds nerdy. I then got what he was saying.

So as much as we drive each other crazy. I have to say Mark can drive many people crazy with his aggressive, loud and obsessive personality.  I of course am perfect but need to say I probably get on his nerves too being so perfect.....of course joking. We have been through so much together that many marriage don't go through in 50 years. I do sometimes wish we could go back to the July day and smack us both but I feel really blessed we are so far beatting the statistics. Those that are close to us and are reading this are probably shaking there heads. It's not a secret that Mark and I are polar opposites and both very stubborn. But I think they would also know that there is so much love there too. It's not a love of beauty or pipe dreams anymore. Its a love of perseverance and strength. So much more. When we are celebrating our 50th anniversary we will probably argue about what to wear to the party and how much time HE is taking to get out the door.  We will probably do the same annoying ticks that drive each other crazy. But we will be so much more in love then we are right now. I am looking forward to that. I guess what I am trying to say is no realationship is perfect but the struggles we go through are so important. If we let God in you can get through it all.

I started this post Monday morning and just finished it at 8 am Tuesday. So I guess its been a little bit of a struggle since I've been back. Please keep praying that I start to keep food down and the pain lessens.

Thanks for following us last week. Mostly thanks for loving me through this battle.

Sunny

TGIF

2012-01-27T17:30:00.000-08:00

Well sorry to disappoint those of you who were anxiously awaiting a blog from our Sunny but instead will have to bear with me yet again as I play stunt double for our star. For those of you back home in da burgh the feedback regarding the WQED 360 special has been tremendous. The notes and emails have really lifted Sunny's spirits and we both can't wait until we get home to watch it. Apparently by the response, Elmo and gang better watch out because Sunny's story continues to resonate with people of all ages. Thanks to Michael Bartley for caring enough to help Sunny share her message of believe,act,believe, and expect. The faith message is not one that always translates well into ratings and in fact is often met with a healthy dose of skepticism by many.(ask a certain Tebow if I can use that name in da burgh) We thank God everyday that he is in charge of Sunnny's fight no matter if anyone is "watching" or not. We know the doctors do their part(and in fact have been blessed with a tremendous team of experts) but that they do so only under the guise of GOD Chief MD.

Today is Friday and TGIF has never meant more than on this particular one. Sunny has had an up and down day, but the ups were a little higher than yesterday and the downs were a little less severe. Today's big challenge has been trying to keep food down. This is a common side effect from the treatments the previous two trips as well as treatments back home. The pain she has suffered from in the back and hip in particular is also a good sign that the injection is taking. However it is somewhat possible that the HD Swiss sleeping "komfort" kit plays a part as well. HD...as in hard damn...I have never actually slept at a four star hotel where the queen beds consisted of two small Euro size singles pushed together. And box springs...that must be a term they know only has a mechanism to open a Jack in Der box. On the flip side the service has been tremendous from the front desk and all the way around since the moment they rushed to get us an early checkin last Saturday.

It's hard to fathom that a week has gone by. This truly has been a roller coaster of a ride straining the emotional edges to the point of fraying past the point of no return to physically taking Sunny to the limits of her sanity to get by. Reading I Corinthians 12 two nights ago I was struck by something Paul wrote regarding the gifts of the Spirit. Wisdom was first and knowledge and then faith...all gifts from the same Spirit...of course others followed. Sunny is often a little embarrassed regarding some of the hoopla around her story...she is often genuinely confused as to why others want to help her because she has inspired them in some way...and I think I have finally got insight. God has gifted each of us uniquely and we are held accountable to use those gifts so he gets the glory. By choosing to fight everyday and believing that God is with her at every step and by letting her "have faith" message be sewn for all to witness...she is employing the gift of faith...that is her ministry.

Whew. I didn't quite expect to have this blog go in that direction since I have been more of the Bart Simpson of the Basel Blog duo...the Costello to Sunny's Abbott. I don't want you to think it's terrible to be stuck in Basel on a Friday night. We have the BBC version of AFV to watch(Youve Been Framed) as well as two hours of recent American Idol reruns to watch. The British are all in a tizzy because apparently Steven Tyler is now on the show. I turned down a generous offer from the concierge for two billettes for tonight to the Euro Badminton Championships going on now here in Basel. Pinch me. Earlier today Sunny had serious heartburn and set me off to Der Apothecary at the COOP by Swissotel. The young Der Fraulina finally bailed me out as she watched me meander through the Playtex and assorted other "Damen" aisles before not grasping what Tums or Rolaids or when I shouted ANTACID at her(because after all when you don't understand always scream like the person is deaf) until finally rubbing my belly and pointing to my heart she sold me the $12 US box of Rennie's. Chalk another one up for your Stupid Amerikan story treasury. This is just hours after finishing a shave with the Swissotel's complimentary razor---one blade...like a white plastic half a bic disposable...this thing couldn't shave a point spread let alone a face. Looked like I just paid for a coiffure treatment in the Mr MacGoo school of Coif and Face Butchering. AAH.

Seriously, tomorrow we travel back to the states. Back home. It will be a nine hour middle leg from Frankfurt to Philly---bratwurst and pushy people to cheesesteaks and pushy people. Keep us in your prayers. The first leg over the Alps is truly as close as you can be to experiencing God's majesty because they are impressive. Nuff said. Impressive. That flight usually has twenty people in a sixty or seater. Plus the free Meuslix and Blueberry flavored Eco-Milk is always a treasure. It will be that middle leg that the praying in earnest begins. So please back home don't forget us...especially Sunny's comfort.

Finally, and I know I have alluded to this already in postings this week I want to give some mad props to all of you who continue to be a blessing to the Carney family. Whether it was in some way helping to raise the money that made this treatment a reality....or whether you cooked a meal and then drove over to drop it off...or whether you left the office early to watch a game or you have played Jeeves this week and driven my kids from one activity or another...or if you bowed your head ,closed your eyes and prayed...these things and so much more have been a real blessing. We only hope that your blessings come as you have done for us and that we can be part of them.

So to all u YUNZERS we can't wait until Saturday night when we exit those filthy concrete tunnels and the most dramatic Cityscape in the world magnificently unfolds in front of us...Then we know...almost home....almost home...almost home.

Mark

OUT

2012-01-26T12:19:00.000-08:00

I am so happy that Mark took over my blog and entertained you all while I was in the hospital. I have to say I am glad he had it to keep his mind off of leaving me everyday. After reading all he wrote he kept it very light and entertaining. We were also blessed with the presence of our dear friend Peter from Amsterdam. I just love spending time with him. He is so kind and such an amazing friend to both Mark and myself. I even let him in the hospital room on Tuesday when I have to say I was really at a bad place. He has this calming sense about him and really at that point I just needed to see a smile. It was great to see Mark leave with him and me knowing that the tears Mark was holding back he could let out to Pete when they walked out the door together. I know Mark filled you in on some of the happens of my uptake on the Y90 and the reaction my body had but I think I need to explain a little more so that my carcinoid posses that are thinking about this treatment don't think this is normal. I want you to understand that I fought hard to get into this treatment. My weight was not where the Swiss docs like it, my tumor involvement is quite large in the liver and bones, and my blood levels and markers were poor. So with many letters from my several oncologists doctors and myself to the Basel team I finally got the ok. I am saying this because all that happen to me is all that was predicted under my condition. However, I prayed so much and knew this treatment is what I had to do one last time. I really had to give it a try because there was nothing else more effective for me at this time. I put it in God's hands and felt this strong gut feeling that this is what I needed to do.

Once I got the initial injection I felt a little shaken and light headed but ok. Then as the day progressed with close monitoring from the doctors, my pain started to increase and my blood pressure started to drop. The care was wonderful and so attentive. They checked on me every half and hour. It just got out of control so quickly. I know in the back of the doctors mind was the, "I told you so" saying but never once did they say that to me. At one point on Tuesday morning about 5 am I think I had seven doctors and three nurses in my room. They finally got my pain under control, gave me some meds for the blood pressure and did some other things I don't even know. We skipped all the activities I had to do with the treatment on Tuesday and scheduled scan so that I could get a little stronger. I must say the change from Monday evening until Wed morning was amazing. I was able to get through two 25 minutes each scans and back to my room in an hour resting. The results of the scans were very good. The Y90 had great uptake which explains the intense pain. The doctor explained to me that bone tumors are extremely painful especially when its with someone that is so thin and has no room for the swelling to go. Also the location of the spine and shoulders is the first place the Y90 goes so it explains the pain. The stressed that this is not normal and actually never saw it this bad. So please don't be afraid of this treatment. But they did stress they were very concern.

I have to admit I was so sick but felt that all the prayers where going to work. I just knew that God was with me. While writing this blog I think about the journey its been to get me to this treatment. There is just no way this was not the right choice. Of course I wish my health was stronger before I could get here but time was not on my side. Today Dr. Mars came into the room and peeked his head behind the steal wall where my bed laid. My small suit case was packed and I was dressed with my coat on the bed. He gave me a big smile and said, "I was afraid of what I was going to see, but so happy to see the same smile I saw on Monday". I then told him I was ready to go. He okayed it but said he did not suggest I leave until next week. But unless things get worse that is not an option for us now. I really need to get back to good old Pittsburgh. Not to mention the daily cost here are outragous.

When I got back to the hotel I walked into the room only to be surprised with the largest bouquet of tulips from Holland I have ever seen. Just gorgeous in the back of the room. Peter brought them all the way to me. In the hospital I had a few conversations with one of the nurses who has been searching for his life with God. One of the things he said to me was that he never sees miracles anymore. I was shocked and I asked him what he meant. He said in Jesus's time the miracles where so huge and marvelous. Well I had to disagree with him, because I see them all the time. I see them just as big if not bigger then the Bible times. I think we just have so many distractions we miss them. Truly Wednesday was a miracle. My being here is a miracle. This treatment I believe is my miracle. I just choose to see them and look for them. I explained that to him but I am not sure he got it.

After resting a bit when I got back to the room I opened up some emails, only to find out that one of my carcinoid posse and huge advocate for carcinoid community had passed away. I could not help but feel an overwhelming punch in the gut. But then after thinking about Steve Murrah fight I felt a sense of pride that we had a man who lead the way for a lot of us. He tried every treatment out there for years. Some kept him here longer but he never gave into this cancer. My sadness for his death turned to what his family must be thinking today, "My husband, my father, my son, my brother and my friend did not quit and paved a road for others fighting this cancer. " That is why I do what I do. I want my family, especially Mark and my boys, and friends to say that I never gave up. I want them to say I did everything I could do and I made a difference doing it for others. So I stop feeling sorry for Steve and his family because I know that is not what he wanted. He wanted us to learn from his fight and be happy when he had peace.

To end this blog I want to tell you that Mark and I did get out for about an hour and grab some real food. On the way back to the hotel we stop in a sports store so I could pick up my three favorite guys a trinket or two and back to the room we went. I napped and Mark caught up on some work so he could pay for all this stuff I am putting him through. Thank you all for your support. I want to write so much more but I am having trouble keeping my eyes open. So until tomorrow know that I am so happy to be out. So thrilled to get through this treatment. Most of all so blessed to have you all at home for me and my family.

Love to all,

Sunny

Brighter Day in Basel

2012-01-25T12:58:00.000-08:00

I figured I might try today's blog before the crack of two or three AM over here on the other side of the pond. To everyone who has continued to follow Sunny's journey you will be happy to hear that today went well. I am not claiming she was pain free, in fact from it, but the pain she experienced for the most part was closer to the ilk she experiences at home as opposed to the hell she went through Monday night and Tuesday morning. In fact when I left after dinner tonight(more on that inna bit) she had been off of the pain pump for several hours. I have seen prayers answered this week.

Our day began with a series of scans this morning at 0800 down in Zimmer-01...one floor above the treatment dungeon one floor below ground. Martin deftly rolled her wheelchair and IV cart through one sliding glass door and the last and presto we were in the scan area waiting room. Er I mean waiting hall. Clean efficient and friendly, stocked with community bottled waters to pour into cups, abundant with magazines though English nein. When they say 0800 they mean 0800 and Sunny was back in the five minute body scan quick transition to the 20 minutes CT scan. She did great and we look forward to results. She originally was supposed to check out of Der hospitaal this morning but we already discussed it would be better to leave Thursday morning so we took red Lift back to Nuklear Medizin Zimmer 4-2.

The afternoon was spent catching up on some much needed rest. She has physically been through a lot this week and mentally it has been challenging to stay the least. I think of the scripture where we will be tested in order to get stronger...that tribulation brings perseverance which develops character leading to hope thorough faith. Sunny has certainly had a chance to build perserverance which is why her faith is so strong. I know that thorns on roses become buds and then flower...much like the "thorns" of our daily hurt if they don't hurt will eventually blossom into something spectacular. Here's one to living life with a vase full of a beautiful bouquet and not life with a thorny overgrown weed.

Dinner. I want to get back to that subject because it was worthy of it's own blog on how not to sustain a hospitaal patient on the road to recovery. As you recall, yesterday we ventured into the exciting culinary world of Swiss/Mex cuisine. Tonight Sunny was treated to the finest version of tatertot/crab cake/mystery dry baked ball surprise that resembled burnt browned bouncy balls than anything I would feed even to our dog...and some of you may know Oscar is not real choosy when it comes to his palate. They were served with a baked squash, or at least we think it was. It looked more like a baked potato with a sunburn. Now keep in mind one of the side effects of this treatment is acid indigestion and nausea. I mention that because they complimented the entrees with Mediterranean soup which looked like spicy minestrone and a side salad with zesty Italian two hard bran rolls(?) and an even harder pear. As Shaggy would say...zoinks. Time for a scooby snack.

So she got to eat pretzel sticks and und bread stick and almond biscotti from starbucks and banana and apple all from COOP...you remember from 2009 thats the local Giant Eagle. Got to learn the meaning of another German or French sign checking out at COOP...apparently Binette and something else means Please go to other lane....you know the equivalent of "lane closed" or "I am going on my break stupid amerikan". Ah well travel and learn. I couldn't say anything if I could speak the language because Der Polizia were buying their coffee and donuts in line next to me before getting back on their bike patrols.

We just spoke and she is resting comfortably again so I want to take the time to share a few other little things Sunny and I have picked up on since returning here to Basel...

-All the taxis, police cars, firetrucks, ambulenzas, and sanititaation trucks are all Mercedes or Beamers...
-A Big Mac can cost 10 us dollars...
-Doctors can wear jeans when making rounds as long as they head up the department...
-Ice is frowned upon because even they are mere miles away from some of the freshest water and coldest Alp ranges I n the world refrigeeration is an issue....
-Smoking is not frowned upon...in fact even they put aborted fetus pictures on packs apparently...I even saw a poodle light up...
-Swiss cheese is not a room freshened...in fact it is quite the opposite....
-Although all traffic stops to let pedestrians cross, everyone including 90 year old babushka sporting grandmas will knock an American over to get by on tram...
-Trains and buses have stops with signs where they use sensors en route to accurately predict the exact moment of arrival...at PAT in Pittsburgh they use they same concept only it's on paper and it's to tell you what exact days your bus runs...
-These are a serious not often smiling bunch over here...probably like a sports bar in Baltimore last Sunday afternoon...
-They don't know what Tebowed is...but they have heard of Mitt....
-The occupy Basel crowd wears cheap Swiss watches costing under 2000francs($2500)...damn 1%...

Ah well I should save some for later in the week. Sunny fully intends to pick back up tomorrow so in case this is bye bye I want to say again thanks for following her story, for praying, and for helping in anyway you can. We are truly blessed.

Mark

PS WQED 360. THURSDAY 1/26 @ 7:30 PM. SUNNYVISION BEGINS. please watch and/ or record and enjoy.

Sunnyvision

2012-01-24T16:18:00.000-08:00

FYI.

On this Thursday evening at7:30PM on WQED 360 The Carney family led by our very own Sunny will make their reality TV debut. actually it's a documentary but it was well put together and it once again gives insight into Sunny's ongoing fight with Carcinoid Cancer and more importantly how she chooses to not let it define who she is. So make some popcorn...set your DVR's and let's make this the highest rated show on Channel 13 since Mister Roger's last episode.

Not So Terrific Tuesday

2012-01-24T16:12:00.000-08:00

Well today began early this morning in a world of pain for Sunny. The doctor had told her that because she had lost a lot of weight that there was a high likelihood of intense pain from the injection. They sort of hinted to us that there was the option of rescheduling...obviously they don't know Sunny too well. Overnight the pain was excruciating and we communicated via text and cell phones because hospitaal has strict rules about when guests have to go. When I got there a little after seven she was literally in childbearing delivery room pain for those of you that can relate and it's a helpless feeling to not be do anything. she asked me to reach out to our pastor at about 3:00 AM yunzer time to start a bigtime prayer chain. Can't begin to tell you how it felt to get Pastors text back immediately that the praying was already underway.

The good dr mars called for Der pain team...and when they came they listened asked questions and determined that the best course was to do exactly what has worked for back home after immobilzations. I am glad to report that although the scans had to be pushed back to Wednesday, that she was able to catch up on some much needed rest as the afternoon and evening passed by. The plan is to still return to the states on Saturday.

It was physically hard for her and mentally draining for both of us but I can tell you she never completely lost her sense of Sunny. She managed to mention to every nurse and doctor that the tv goes only to two stations after nine and one was a "porn" version of MTV and the other was a continuous loop of Weakest link reruns. (she joked she knew all of the answers). By lunch she was able to get up and shuffle over to her table and eat a couple of the shrimp, although she left the black noodles alone. Actually when I saw it I thought of Indiana Jones in Temple of Doom and wondered where the heck the monkey brains were. I went out to Starbucks and got her a Rasberry Cheesecake which she ate entirely with her hospital gelati.

I can only tell you that the chilled squid surprise for lunch was actually the highlight of the food portion of her day. For dinner she was served two enchilada looking things oozing in some type of hot sauce garnished with a whole red chili pepper. Honestly I can't make this stuff up. I guess the Swiss Miss was replaced in the kitchen by Ricardo Ricola, mad pursuit of that well known food genre Swiss/Mex. Holy crap. I went out and scored us two Big Mac meals "take away" for a mere 28 US dollars. Forgot they don't but ice in the Coke light cups and if you don't know what happens when holding a McD bag with two drinks no ice not filled all the way try it sometime....on a tram....and then exit real fast when one slips...no is crushed in your hand and coke light runs onto the floor almost drowning a full grown border collie that happens to be lying at your feet because for some reason you don't have to be s seeing eye dog to ride these trains. Once again stupid amerikan strikes.

So seriously getting back up to Zimmer 4 and getting back to her Sunny has flipped to BBC Entertainment station and some show called Doctors which I guess is a weekly drama but is so surgically graphic it makes CSI and ER look like Dr Seuss. I don't think noticed the pumping open heart surgery going on mere meters in from of her thank God because she was getting resituated in bed. She began to nod off and on and I am happy to say that when mandatory Departue Zeit comes at 8:00 I was able to leave her in a much better state than when I first saw her at 0700 that morning. Walking out of the now mostly darkened hospitaal A few doctors were by the lifts in Der lobby(Zimmer 0). with the pitted patter of feet smartly echoing off the antiseptic like floors and whispered German bouncing off the walls I felt like that kid in Pink Floyds the wall. All that was needed was just another brick.

it's hard to fathom the incredible journey that Sunny's fight to beat Carcinoid has taken us on but I wouldn't want to have it anyway other way. Se will beat this. this is another lap in the race. The blessings we have been given as a result of prayers answered helps both of us and I think family and close friends to have the peace that comes with having the faith that if Sunny is willing to do her part God will always do his.

I haven't quite the knack yet of keeping these things short or even concise at times but I will try again tomorrow. Please pray. And then do it again. Thanks and goodnight from Basel.

Mark

Basel-Round Three-Mark Pinchhits

2012-01-23T17:55:00.000-08:00

Well the treatment is over. After what seems like months of planning, fundraising, praying and nervously anticipating....the injection was done and over with early this afternoon. The trip over to the hospital this morning brought back a flood of memories...everything was like it was back in 2009...like some kind of Swiss time warp. I think the same doctors were outside the hospitaal smoking like chimneys next to the same 100 or so bicycles and mopeds as before. Sunny was eager yet understandably apprehensive as we zoomed through the lobby adorned with the latest in Ikea's hospitaal collection. We both instinctly knew what set of "lifts" would take us to the fourth floor...Nuklearmedicine. Unit 4-2. Same ease of admission...no checking of ids...no wait...right into her private room decorated in vintage "this furniture guaranteed to survive even the strongest of radioactive exposure...comfort optional" line. Our two favorite Swiss nurses Pierre and Martin were still in charge and honestly seeing their faces was in some goofy way reassuring. They knew Sunny. They had notes from 2009 trips about follow up care and how they had best managed her pain and nausea. Pretty impressive.

The young doctor...a Dr Mars... I kid you not...was very thorough and answered every question regarding the injection and process afterwards. I think at one point he was paged because he was late for recess...and I only say that because Doogie Howser is John McCain compared to how young the good dr appeared. But as I mentioned he was thorough...the injections...the first scan which would be done at nine on Tuesday morning ...the second series of scans on Wed morn and if all went well back to our little enclave at Swissotel. After putting the IV Amino drip in to protract the kidneys while Sunny got "nuclear" the good dr mars left and Pierre returned to review meal options. Let's just say I didn't know what "jacket potatoes" are and this afternoon's lunch gave sunny no answer either. Apparently beets...ground chuck and mayo consist of the ingredients with fried potatoes chunks....I don't believe that campbell's will be calling for this secret recipe anytime soon. Anyways...Pierre did the rest of the meal selection with her and it was time to go for me and time to go to the bowels of the hospital for her....floor -2. Two levels below the main floor.

Thank goodness I had our buddy Peter who once again was kind enough to drive down from Holland to hang with because it really is possible to feel alone in a city of fifty thousand or more. At least knowing the basics of the routine Sunny would be going through takes away some of the angst. She called a little after three wanting some real food and Coke Lights dropped off because of the aforementioned potato surprise lunch. When I got into her room she Pierre was in there taking out the IV drip and talking to Sunny about a near death heart attack experience he had. How it had given him a glimpse into his faith and that though he was growing in his walk with God he sensed in Sunny the presence of the holy spirit. It was a pretty amazing moment to hear our short slightly balding neon croc wearing Germsn lisp speaking English nurse have this conversation with Sunny. I guess neither one of us had ever really thought about God fearing Europeans on our previous trips because though there are spectacular centuries old churches abundant in Basel...some are museums some are restaurants and none seem to jump out at you and say come worship here. It was surely not a coincidence that Pierre who says is constantly looking to grow "in the spirit" was on today and was Sunny's nurse. A certain favorite pastor of ours back home always says "you go no place by accident that wherever you go God has not only brought you there but more importantly he is with you there". Trust me when I share that this was never more visible to us than right at that moment.

Sunny looked good considering every thing she has gone through but they were concerned with her blood count and weight loss. They will be monitoring tonight and throughout closely. After resting a little this afternoon Pete and I dropped off some dinner and more Coke Light and I was able to see her pain was increasing a touch but her spunk was still there. As the evening wore on and turned into night and then late night the pain has definitely ratcheted up. we have been on the phone quite a bit trying to help her keep her mind off of it. I can tell it sucks. that is the primary reason why this blog is so late in coming and may seem a bit scatterbrained. All I can say is that I will try blogging for our Sunshine again tomorrow but in the meantime please pray for her. And then say one more. And don't forget to add in the boys back home with Grandma as they go about their day.

Thanks to all of you in advance and thanks to everyone back home who is driving Carney boys around...dropping off meals...and just offering to help in anyway. It is truly a blessing for Sunny to not have to dwell on those things.

Finally...and I promise this really is it...a certain other pastor who I watch and read regularly believes that we should rejoice in our tribulations because it is through our "mess" whatever it may be that we form our "message". Sums it up pretty well. Talk to yunz tomorrow.

Mark

Night before

2012-01-22T16:38:00.000-08:00

In a few hours I will be entering the Universal hospital of Basel to receive my magic potion of Y90. Mark take the tram with me to the hospital walk me there and then leave. Tuthfully I had not thought about all day until is was just about time to put my head down on the pillow. We had a great day. We met our friend, Peter, for a wonderful breakfast that lasted over 2 hours of us just chatting and catching up. After that we went to a small museum, the lift ride was the most interesting part of the trip and we walked the town, I headed back to the hotel because was exhausted and needed to rest. Mark and Pete went out on there on adventure and that it was Mark is going to have to give those details. After resting I spent the rest of the evening out a wonderful dinner place and hung out for a few hours. It was such a pleasant day. Never once did I think about the treatment.

Well I came back to the room and Mark and Pete stayed out. I have to I am now replaying the past experience of tomorrow and the rest of the week. It'll be fine and I will get through it. I check in at 10 am and should have the treatment running through my veins. I am packed and ready to go. I am really at peace and have this great feeling its going to wipe this nasty cancer right out of me. Please keep praying for me that I minimal about of side effects and I am out by Wed. ready to get on the plane by Saturday home to the boys.

Mark post tomorrow will be so much more entertaining. I am have trouble keeping my eyes open. Please keep posted. Boys please continue to be doing well for everyone and know that I love. That is why I am here.

Sorry so short I'm still getting use to the time change and need to get some sleep.
Love, '
Sunny

Phase one of the Journey

2012-01-21T10:03:00.000-08:00

We have arrived and I must say the trip was not so bad. We had three flights and none where full which made for a very roomy way. Our first flight was Pittsburgh to Newark, we were on a small commuter plane which are always difficult for me to fly in. Having one lung causes breathing pain when flying and for some reason smaller planes seem worse. But it was quick and I did use the pain meds which took the edge off. At Newark we flew to Dusseldrof, Germany. I kept joking with Mark that maybe we should stay there and see if some Harry Potter wizards or even muggles had any potions that would help me. Of course I had to have my run in or two with a few pushy Euros. I have to ask why do they think pushing through customs is going to make them get on their plane any faster? Each one of them had there bags searched and of course I walked by and gave them an American, "ha ha" with unsearched bags in hand. I want to stay nice but I have my own ideas on why their bags get searched. I don't understand why they are so rude and feel the need to "space invade"? Honestly they are right on top of me and Mark as we tried to take off our shoes and open our bags. "Back off and give me room to breathe please" I had to yell at one. Only to find he was one row ahead of me on the plane in Germany. I whispered for the whole long flight hoping he did not recognize me and my temper.

Of course that flight from Newark to Germany was much tougher this year then the trips before. My bone mets have spread and the old ones have grown. There where a few hours that I just closed my eyes and prayed, Eventually, I would pull myself together and get through it. We got to our hotel at about 9:00 am Basel time and both Mark and I where completely whooped. Just dead dog tired and I was crying in some pain. However, I completely forgot to ask what time was check-in when I booked the room. The lady behind the desk was so sweet, she said we would not be able to check in until two in the afternoon. At that time I felt the anxiety for the first time since we left home. How would I make it that long? I was vomiting, the pain is was so bad I am unable to even open my mouth. Not to mention I needed toothpicks to hole my eyes open. Then Mark begged her to get a room clean fast. For the tenth time that day he began to tell my whole story. I hate when he starts doing that in public but Mark talks about it with such pride. And people listen in such wonder. I get uncomfortable because I know its not me that gets me through this.....its the "Man Upstairs". Of course I get that pathetic look of feeling sorry for me which really make me squirm. After Mark pulling on some heart strings the front desk clerk promised us the first room clean. We were up in a room with in an hour and half.

Our friend Peter is coming to visit us from Amsterdam tonight and we are heading out to meet him for a bite to eat. Which I am sure is going to mean me eating then getting exhausted and leaving Peter and Mark to have a good time on their own. Somehow I think they don't mind that. I had already checked in at home and everyone is doing great. Shoveling out from a storm back in the burgh but nobody misses us yet. Wish that was the case for me. As soon as the taxi left the airport and started driving the streets of Basel to our hotel the memory of our last stays became so vivid. The gloom of sky, the garfette on the buildings and the bikers steering in and out of the way of our cab. Similar to the city of Pittsburgh just older but this is not home. This is where I spent weeks sick without my family. Mark reached over in the cab and grab my hand and said, "you made it Sun." . That is when I started seeing the surroundings differently. The doom and gloom memories became feelings of hope and accomplishment. The swiss grafitti that I could not read became art.

I know that the only way we got here is through prayer. I can not imagine getting as far as I have with my battle without God. He has put people in my life that have rallied behind me to make this possible. He has given us opportunities that only he could create. He was given me strength at times when I did not think I could give anymore. Just in our 16 hour journey today, or yesterday wherever you are reading this, He was pulled me through. The past two weeks of preparing for this journey I have strengthen my faith as well. I am really giving this whole journey to Him and letting Him drive the car. He has gotten us through so many obstacles to get here. There is no way it is not going to be successful.

Please keep praying for us. Mostly please pray for my family at home. Thank you all whole are taking care of them. From bringing dinners, to rides, to being on call when needed. Mark and I know we could not get through this without that help. We will be posted daily so please keep checking back.

Until later,
Sunny

Getting set, Ready and GO

2012-01-19T19:20:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is the beginning of our journey to Switzerland. As overwhelmed as I have been feeling this week I am totally ready to get on that plane and save my life. When I say overwhelmed I am not talking about the actually treatment. I am talking about organizing five peoples lives before I go. Honestly, the boys schedule and all the prep I had to do to make it easy on those watching them while I am gone is crazy. I guess going through the motions everyday and driving them here, going to a game there and getting them this and that for who knows what, seems easy, until you have to write it down and explain it to everyone else. Then of course their social life is a whole other story. So about an hour ago I finally got it all written down and explained.

On the treatment part I am ready. It's been a long road preparing for this. We have had obstacles that have got in the way but have not stopped us. I am really at peace with my decision and my faith is what I am completely leaning on at this moment. We have been on this adventure before and know that at times it is difficult but we are praying the benefits out weigh the stress and financial burden. The last two treatments in Switzerland may not of shrunk any of the tumors but did keep me stable for awhile. I have this strong feeling....call it my gut or my faith that this one is going to be the one that does wonders.

I want to thank everyone who helped us make this possible. I feel so amazingly blessed that I am going and have this opportunity. Also, I want to thank my entire family for staying with my boys and taking care of them. I can only hope that when we come home they ask us why we are here so soon. Please continue to pray for me. I know that your prays are the only thing that has gotten me through this whole battle. I have seen miracles happen when I ask for pray. I feel that this trip is that big miracle we have all been praying for. Please pray that long plane ride is as pain free as possible. Please pray that I am home as soon as possible.

Mark and I will be updated the blog daily. Please keep updated.

Much Love,
Sunny

His Will

2012-01-12T15:38:00.000-08:00

"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you"

I have to say recently the closer my trip to Basel, Switzerland comes the more anxiety I WAS feeling about the whole decision we made to attempt this treatment and trip again. I look back to the very first time I went to Basel to receive my first treatment there and compare myself to how I feel today.  The fact that I am more advanced then I was and much weaker really took the best of my nerves. Making that long voyage across the ponds was a fright all in itself. Just driving in a car longer then an hour is extremely painful for me. Then receiving the PRRT radiation therapy that the Swiss doctors are hesitant in giving me because of my state added to the scare. Lastly, after making it through the treatment then traveling back home SICK and in even more PAIN then how I left just completely took over my anxieties. I have to add the expense of the whole trip and what taking that money away from my family's everyday living will do to them just put me over the edge for awhile.

Like I always do I fake my fear very well. I knew that if I let everyone who loves me see my fear I would have to listen to the very same things I say to everyone else. So I put my game face on for a few weeks and tried muscled my way through the fears and anxiety. However, they never went away. In fact they kept getting worse. Every little obstacle that got in the way seemed like huge mountains. First it was the hotel Mark and I like to stay at and has accommodated me so well, was completely booked. Then the exchanged rate changed making my treatment much more expensive. Austen was getting the okay to go back to sports after nine months of being off from surgery and his very first game was the exact day we were leaving. We would miss Nolan's birthday. We then got this huge medical bill for a treatment that I already had and insurance decided that they were not going to cover it. So of course after paying that bill (believe me I fought the fight before anyone emails me with suggestions) we were left short for the treatment cost. Also, let me add that the loan we had been pre-approved for a few months ago we were turned down for when we went to pick up the check. So we were even more short the finances. I knew and had been told by my oncologist that this treatment is my only option.  There is nothing left.  So the feeling of defeat set in.

After feeling so hopeless and having no ideas of how I was going to swing this trip I FINALLY turned to my faith. Why did it take that long??? I got down on my knees and with tear streaming down my face I GAVE IT TO HIM. I asked God what all these obstacles meant. Was He showing me that this treatment was the wrong choice? Was he telling me to quit trying all these experimental things and enjoy my time here? I begged Him to show me His Will for me. Guide me to where I am suppose to be. For the heck of it I wrote to Bidget, the contact person at the Universitätsspital Basel. Earlier when we schedule the date she told me that January 5th was my only option until March. I knew that I could not wait until March. Daily I see my condition worsening. Anyways I asked her if she had any cancellations for a week or two later. She said that just the day before a patient for Jan. 23rd cancelled. Time is what I needed to pull all the obstacles together. That is when my prays to God was answered. I knew then that I had to take the chance of this treatment because it is His Will and He will be with me.  It was like a wave knocked me over.

I am ashamed that my strong faith flickered a little. Of course the circumstances have not changed. We are still scraping our money together. Austen had a set back his second day back to basketball, got knocked in the jaw and is out another week. The hotel price went from $295 a night to $695 a night but there was an opening. Of course we had to go elsewhere because the closet of a room we get for that price is by far not an option now. The boys schedules are nuts. Each one going different place at the same time and Plum is not the easy place to get around if you are not from the area. And of course that miracle of healing has not hit yet. I am still in pain and the flight is going to be tough.  Although, since I gave it to God and let Him take control of the above I am at peace with it all. I have confidence we will make it, the treatment will be fine and we will be back before we know it. My hope is that when we walk through the red door of our home after this cancer adventure the boys look at us and say, "why are you home so soon?".

"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you"

Once you try it, drop me an email and let me know what happens.

Love to all,
Sunny

PS - look above on the right side at "in the Media" at the link for the Post today. A very lovely article was written.

new post below

2012-01-01T20:37:00.001-08:00

2012-01-01T12:46:00.000-08:00

2012 is here and I am here. As I reminisce about the end of one year and celebrate the coming of a new year I cannot help but go back to the post I wrote a year ago (which I republished below. A year ago today I had just had my femur and hip replaced because the cancer had eaten through those bones. It was a tough recovery now looking back and many of you know that oops of the surgery, however I did awaken from the surgery with my leg. Even though it is not perfect and I have some issues the doctors where able to save it. Only three years prior I would of had it amputated. So truly one blessing despite the pain.

Since last year I have more growth and some progression. I had two chemoembolizations which helped keep the liver tumors stable. I think back to when I was first diagnosed three years ago and those wicked treatments where experimental. My bone mets are larger and several more have appeared. However, no other organs are invaded yet. So yes things are different but yes I am here. I have strong faith that the treatment on January 23rd in Basel, Switzerland will take care of those or at least keep it stable like the last two times.

My point is there is STILL HOPE. I have not got to the point where there is NO OPTIONS. Now I will tell you I have been told a few times this year that THERE IS NO MORE OPTIONS for me, but with my faith in the Man Above I have been given perseverance. That perseverance has kept me going on to not take no for an answer where treatments are concerned. Last year at this time I had full intent to head to Houston. I had all my information and records there. I had an apartment set up and even a date for the first treatment. At that time I really thought that was my next step. However, I did not let you all know this but I really was trying my hardest to get accepted back to the Swiss. I knew that I had three more opportunities for treatment there but they were not accepting me because of my progression and my condition. So Houston was the way I was turning. They were accepting anyone that would pay their price which is beyond my ability to count that high on a bad day of pain. In fact Mark and I joked that it was the same price of our first house and two cars put together. But my stubbornness was getting me there. I knew though that Switzerland was where I needed to because it worked the last time. It did not shrink the tumors but it kept me stable for almost 18 months. In that 18 months several other treatments became available.

With so much pray, SOOOOO MUCH, and so many convincing letters to the Swiss doctor from me and three of my oncologist I was reluctantly accepted. I have to tell you I have never thanked the Lord so much then on the day I received the email that finally said I was accepted. Next was getting the money for that trip. Which I have to say is much less then our own country was charging me. We had a few bumps in the road and set it back a few weeks but we are finally leaving on January 20th. So as you can see the faith that God would lead me to the right place and the perseverance that faith gave me is getting me there. I know that I am not cured yet, but I really feel so thankful that I have this opportunity to try.

At the end of my last years post I said, "This year I am still keeping my last years goal of FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE but I am adding a new ending.....I am FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE WITH A PURPOSE." Without being boastful, I think I have done that. I finally got my butt in gear and published my book on my battles. I try really hard to reach out to every email I receive, especially the cancer newbies. And I really hope I have set an example to others on how to live through your adversities with meaning. All of the mentioned is nothing of my doing though, its God working through me. Trust me if I did not have faith I would not be here today. GUARANTEE!!! I will admit, which I don't want to do, but I have been sicker. I also know that I have several more down days this year then last but I hope that means that my fight was better because I am still here. I know that when I sat at this computer last year in the back of my mind I thought there was a chance that I would not be sitting here today. After all I lost eleven of my carcinoid cancer posse this year, all diagnosed after me with less invasion. But for God's grace I am sitting here posting to you all. So I feel obligated to keep on keep with a purpose.

This year I am still keeping my last years goal of FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE and I am FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE WITH A PURPOSE but again I am adding my new ending......I am FIGHTING WITH FAITH AND EXAMPLE FOR OTHERS GOING THROUGH ANY ADVERSITY. And when I say quietly, "I don't think I can go anymore" which I will say, I am looking for all those that have been loving me through this Battle to tell me, "yes you can".

Happy New Year,

Sunny

below is last years New Year's Post.

Friday, December 31, 2010

2011

First before I get into my post I want to update all of you on how I am feeling. I have been overwhelmed with your emails and phone calls and assure you my lack of posting is only because my teenagers and the Holidays are keeping me busy and not because I have been too sick to post. As I stated in the last entry the surgery went very well. The recovery has been just as smooth. Its painful and very frustrating that I cannot be independent but I am way ahead of schedule for healing. I am walking with crutches and able to put weight on my hip and leg. Sleeping is complicated and I don't think since the surgery I have had more the 2 to 3 hours of sleep at a time. However, I have plenty of time to sleep later. I've been trying hard to tag along with Mark and the boys wherever they are going and even went to watch them Ice Skate at the outside Winter Classic Rink. After battle the crowds we ended up finishing the night at the PPG rink and then dinner with two other families. That was a little rough, only because I LOVE to skate and it killed me to watch. I got some great shots though. Mark brought the wheelchair but in all the confusion and crowds I just hobbled with the crutches. Its been great the last week here in Pittsburgh with all the excitement going on with the NHL Hockey Winter Classic being hosted in our great city. It's a good distraction for my sports crazed boys. I don't want the boys to miss out on that once in a lifetime opportunity so we are trying to make the best of my situation. I feel so blessed that I am well enough to hang with them most of the time and the rest of the time they don't want me with them. I know it's not perfect circumstances but I am determined to do whatever I can and not put limits on myself. Mark and the doc are not as happy with me pushing my limits. I don't think they can really understand until they are fighting this beast. So I listen to the lectures, especially from Mark, and just do what I can do.

Before I started to post I went back to the post that I wrote this time in 2009. Reading it reminded me how far I have come with this cancer in just one year. As I am going through this journey on a day to day basis it seems so consuming. With each appointment, treatment, surgery, new researching, scan and then the news it is hard to look at the big picture. That is why I am so glad that I started this blog. I am able to go back and reflect on the changes that have really happened. Last year at this time I did not know about the new experimental treatment that I am attempted at the end of January. The surgery seemed like a hopeless attempt to keep my leg. And truthfully I was not sure I would be here writing today.

That is why I must say that once again I feel so blessed. Over and over again I am told by those who love me, my friends and doctors that my unusual strength and fight is what is keeping me alive. I have had comments made to me that, "I keep getting back up every time I'm knocked down", or "I wont go down without a fight" and on and on. Just yesterday Logan and Nolan had a conversation with me about how tough I am. At my last appointment with my oncologist, Dr. Friedland, he came into the room as I was reading a Joyce Meyers book titled, "Never Give Up" and he took the book from my hands. He looked at it and said, "you don't need this, you'll never quit". I have to admit, I am quite humbled by all those comments and I want to start 2011 off by letting everyone know that I am NOT special. My choice to fight it not unusual and it is not something that I do on my own. I don't have some super strength or power. In fact there are so many other people fighting cancer that are tougher then I will ever be. But first and foremost what I do have that unfortunately others have not found is the Lord with me during every battle with this cancer. Every time I am at my lowest point and I think I cannot do one more treatment, one more surgery or one more appointment I truly pull my strength through God and pray. He gives me the ability to pull something out of somewhere and gets me or US (my family) through it. He gives me the peace I need and the knowledge continue on the journey.

So 2011 for me is going to be about making a difference like so many have made a difference in my life. Its going to be about reaching out to those who battle what I am battling but don't know where to get their strength from. When I say, "battle what I am battling", I don't mean just cancer, I mean adversity. I want to somehow express that if you give yourself and your problems to Him then He will give you the strength to fight it. I don't think God will always wipe your problems away because you have faith in Him. In fact if I look back since my diagnosis my struggles have tripled since then. However, I think he gives you the peace and the tools to climb the mountain. He puts you in situations and gives you people to help you through your troubles. This year I am still keeping my last years goal of FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE but I am adding a new ending.....I am FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE WITH A PURPOSE.

Happy New Year,

Sunny

Christmas Time

2011-12-27T19:16:00.000-08:00

This week I have seen so many beautiful moments and I want to share them with you all. It's the Holiday Season so yes things seem a little sweeter and more majestic when they happen this time of year. I think we all want to believe that Christmas time comes with miracle, kindness and joy; but I have seen some astonishing things happen all year long its more heartwarming when it happens during the Christmas season. Like when it snows on Christmas, that snow fall is just a little more special then a regular winter snow. So as I was sitting in front of the computer collecting my thoughts it came to me that this was a week of so many breathtaking moments. So I think I will continue that breathtaking moment post I started and keep adding to almost two years ago. Breathtaking moments of Christmas week are as follows:

1. Wondering why I did not get my teens Christmas list. Then when I finally beg them to tell me what they would like for Christmas the admitted that the three of them agreed to not ask for anything so I could use the money to go to Switzerland. Do they think I would totally forget Christmas gifts for them???? Never!!! I enjoy giving them way more then they enjoy getting them. I love this time of year.

2. Have a good friend and wonderful Chiropractor donate a week of service to my fund so I can make it to Switzerland.

3. Receiving a card in the mail from Santa.

4. Dropping off 20 blankets to a nursing home and seeing the patients so happy to see me. Visiting with those patients and enjoying their amazing stories.

5. Being included in a cookie exchange and never having to bake one cookie. I was just thought of because and I have to say they were the best cookies ever.

6. Having a book signing in my old neighborhood of Greenfield and it being so packed that you could not move. Seeing half the people at the book signing from my Plum neighborhood. They drove all the way to support me.

7. Sitting in Christmas Eve service with another wonderful family and feeling the spirit of God coming to all of us.

8. Watching my men singing at service.

9. Watching my boys exchange the gifts the bought for each other. Seeing more excitement about them giving their brothers the gift they spent so much time picking out then receiving the gifts they got.

10. Spending Christmas Eve with just my four men and enjoy it. Church, a few gifts, eating, and movie. Watching my boys actually enjoy being with each other.

11. Open the three presents that my boys planned together and picked out for me. They bought me charms for my bracelet and each one was so well thought of.

12. Being told, "this was the best Christmas ever Mom". I told them they say that every year. They responded, "that means it gets better every year, mom". And I was feeling guilty.

13. Sitting in chemo three days before Christmas watching each patient wait for their blood count results. Seeing smiles on their faces when told that they are good enough to be around people. Seeing some with tears in their eyes for other reasons can be breathtaking too.

14. Having an elderly man come into the chemo center dressed like Santa handing out candy to all the patients. I was told by the nurse that he has been a volunteer for three years, ever since his wife passed from cancer. The smile on his face was so real but it was one of the smiles that many of us cancer fighters (when I say fighters I mean all those that love those fighting too) put on to hide the tears they are holding back. I have those smiles many times too.

15. Sharing a room with a lady that there for her LAST treatment. She was told last week that the new set of scans showed no evidence of cancer. She was cancer free for Christmas.

16. Receiving a beautiful note on Christmas day from my niece, telling me she admires me.

17. Spending the entire day with my entire family and EVERYONE home for the holidays. Seeing my mom so happy to have all her children and grandchildren together.

18. Spending last evening with my boys at the Globe Trotter game. We had so much fun together and I made it through the entire night without crying in pain. I paid for it all evening but it was so worth the "no sleep night of pain".

19. Receiving a very very special Christmas present. You know who you are???? Breathtaking!

20. Sitting in the dark living room with just the Christmas tree lit and jammed packed with ornaments. Looking at each and every ornament and remember each meaning that goes with the ornament. First yr of marriage, baby's 1st Christmas, new home, Disney vacation ornaments, Basketballs, footballs, baseball, soccer and hockey ones, angels with the words hope, believe and faith, many homemade photo ones, and so many more.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away"

Sunny

P.S.

Please Tune in on December 29, at 9am to you TVs. I will be on live "The Pittsburgh Today Show".

Another Birthday Post

2011-12-15T19:42:00.000-08:00

Today my middle son turns 14 and I feel like its my birthday too. I think back to the very first Birthday post I wrote to my son Logan. I don't like to admit this, but NEVER did I think I would be here to write his 14th birthday post. Maybe that is because that's what the doctors were telling me. I pretended that I did and I think I really tried to make myself (or everyone that loves me) believe I was going to be around and beat this cancer but looking back I deep down thought he would be motherless at 14. I may not have beat it yet but I have crossed many mountains since that first birthday post. I am not writing this to break any hearts. I am writing this because I want to show that life is not predicted by a disease, a cancer, or a doctor. Life is planned out by nobody but God.

Seeing the man that Logan is becoming makes me so grateful that I did fight everyday to be here. He is strong and sensitive. He is kind yet tough. He is smart and funny. He is amazing just the way God intended him to be. In the craziness of my day today I find a minute to think about everything I want him to know before he becomes an adult man. Things that many moms can teach as the years go by. I however feel this urgent need to speed up that process and teach him now. Like:

1. Life is not easy but so worth it. So give it your all and never quit on living it.
2. Treat everyone you meet as if they are your best friend. You never know what could happen.
3. Respect yourself and know that you are worth it. Respect your peers even if you don't agree with them. Respect your elders they, earned that right.
4. Never think life has cheated you or has been unfair to you. Life is what you make it everyday no matter what obstacles are put in front of you.
5. If you are waiting to be happy when life is perfect then you will never be happy. And oh what joy you will miss if you are not happy. Happiness is one thing you can give yourself.
6. Love the Lord, then yourself, then your family, and then everyone else will be easy to love.
7. No matter how angry your brothers make you and how much you want them to go away know that they are the only ones that wont run away when you need them the most. Family is more valuable then all the riches in the world. See the good in the boys that you share a home with.
8. Fight for what's worth fighting for and walk awayfrom fights that aren't worth it.
9. Remember that no matter how hard life seems and how hopeless the outcome looks anything is possible through faith in the Lord.
10. For now, last but most importantly know that you can always come home to were you have unconditional love.

Logan is one of the four reasons I get up every morning. His birthday is a special day. I remember the day he was born as clear as the day itself. Everyday that I am here, no matter hard or easy, is as special as the day my sons where born. I am so glad that cancer has taught me that. "The Good in Cancer".

Happy Birthday my son.!!!!
Sunny

2011-12-14T20:33:00.000-08:00

12/22/11 Christmas Party and book signing at Hough's Bar and Micro Brewer - Food and nonacohlic drinks for $20. Great night out before the Holiday. Great Chinese Auction. Invite all your friends for a get together. Alcohol available and amazing beers.An amazing Chinese auction with tons of Pittsburgh sports items. Silent Auction includes: Televison, Steeler, Penguins and Pirates autographed items and IPad. Great xmas gifts.
6:30 pm
563 Greenfield Avenue
Pittsburgh, PA 15207
412-586-5944

How long

2011-12-09T09:25:00.000-08:00

It's 3:20 in the morning and I have been up since 2:00. In that hour in 20 minutes I have prayed, taken a shower, facebooked a little, prayed again, heard my youngest wake because he heard me yell in pain, took some pain meds and then finally my mind started to wonder. When this happens no matter what the pain is I have to stop it. I can not let my mind take over my fight. The house is dark, everyone is sleeping (except the ones I wake for a bit but they fall back to sleep), and its lonely. This is when i have to appreciate my alone time with God. This is also when I become so tired of my battle.

When I was praying tonight a begged that he take my pain away and give me tomorrow pain free. I am having some oral surgery because the chemo I have been on is doing some damage to my jaw and teeth. I really want to get through this without my bone pain. I prayed for those on my list that I have written on a long piece of paper stashed in my Bible. I am sure many of you are on that list. I then of course prayed for my boys. This time a little more for my youngest who has been sad lately. I thank the Lord for all the amazing blessing he has given me despite my cancer or through my cancer. I always end with asking that He guide me in making good choices is my life. Last night however, I prayed that God will tell me how much longer I need to suffer and fight.

It may sound like a negative thought. But it is not. I am so going to fight forever if God wants me to, but I just wondered tonight if I will know when it's time to stop fighting. I have wondered this before. In fact I have even talked to my pastor about this exact topic. "How long until it's too Long?" or "when will I know its time to stop fighting". Sounds horrible to have to think about this but I think I know the answer. I think God will tell me when he is ready for me. I am not afraid to die at all. I am afraid to leave my boys, Mark, my Mom and siblings, and my friends when they need me to be here. But I know that there is a fantastic place waiting for me.

After I was done praying it accrued to me that I am not done fighting. God has things for me to do here. At times it is hard and exhausting but it is His will. I believe I will know when I am done. I think my mind went to this because on Wed. when I was at chemo one of the nurses was talking to me about my book. She has been reading it and wanted to ask me about some of the things in it. She asked me if I ever want to give up. Truthfully I could not answer her..... I wasn't sure. She said that she wished she would of had a copy when her sister was fighting cancer. She told me that her sister and some of her patients seem so tired. They just want to stop fighting. As she was talking to me her eyes filled with tears. Mine did too. I told her I know exactly how they feel but God let's us know when we can quit and maybe God was telling them that. She hugged me tight and I didn't pull back in pain because I know she needed it. I can't imagine her life as a chemo nurse and having a sister that just past from cancer. How her heart must hurt. After we hugged she ask me how to pray. I was taken back.....how to pray? I told her just talk to Him.

I got called into the room and she walked away. I hope I said the right thing. As I was sitting waiting for my drug I thought of something and I wrote it down. On the way out I handed her the paper and gently hugged her this time. I don't want to tell you what I wrote but it was not my words it was just words that popped in my head. Let's just say we all can talk to Him but we need to Hear Him TOO!!!!.

Sunny

Events and Book Signings

2011-12-02T09:41:00.000-08:00

Hello All,

I have been getting many emails about where and when is my next book signings. Here are the ones in December:

12/3/11      Bella Figura Spa - Enjoy mini spa treatments and we will have a book discussion
                  6:30 - 9:30
                  608 Main Street
                  Pittsburgh, Pa (Sharpesburg)

12/10/11    Barnes and Nobles in The Warterfront - book signing and a small reading from the book
                  12-2
                  100 West Bridge Street
                  Homestead, PA 15120
                  412-462-5743

12/22/11     Christmas Party and book signing at Hough's Bar and Micro Brewer - Food and nonacohlic drinks for $20. Great night out before the Holiday. Great Chinese Auction. Invite all your friends for a get together.   Alcohol available and amazing beers.
                    6:30 pm
                    563 Greenfield Avenue
                    Pittsburgh, PA 15207
                    412-586-5944

I really hope to see some of you there.

Sunny

Switzerland here we come

2011-11-29T10:45:00.000-08:00

Mark, Dr. Friedland and I have finally made some decisions regarding my next set of treatments. For awhile we were heading for the experimental LU177 in Houston, TX. Those treatments seem quite promising but are not FDA approved and quite expensive. After trying to save and come up with the money we decided that it may be better to head back to Basel, Switzerland and try the last Y90 treatment I have left. I was supposed to receive this treatment after my last trip to Basel. However, I was not invited back due to the way my body responded to the treatment. Although, after some time the Y90 did keep me stable for about a year. It did not shrink any of the tumors but kept them for growing for a good while. We have been waiting to hear back from Switzerland after they declined me twice. With a desperate plea for acceptance they finally decided to let me in. Well as you all know the cancer is invading again. So we do not have time to wait until the Houston treatment becomes FDA approved (then insurance will cover it) or affordable. The Switzerland treatment is not covered either but the cost is less then Houston. Not to mention we have been there several time so Mark is more confident with the treatment. I, on the other hand, was really hoping that we could swing the Houston treatment. I just feel more comfortable being in the States.

We have spent much time in pray over this decision and it seems that God is leading us to the Y90 treatment in Switzerland. Sometimes we pray and pray for something that we think is the right choice for us.....like the Houston treatment. But God seems to know what is best and leads us the other way. I am a bit worried that the travel for me now with my pain and weakness is going to be a bit rough. I was hoping to get the Houston treatment for that reason...closer to home and easier flights. But the cost is making it impossible at this time. So this is where true faith steps in. I have to believe that God will protect me and make the trip as easy as possible. I cannot let fear get in the way of staying alive.
Mark and I are leaving January 5th. I will enter the Basel hospital on Jan 9th to receive treatment. We are not sure of the return date but know that it will be ASAP. I have had much experience with this treatment and the severe side effects usually take about ten days to come into full force. So I would like to be home and not suck in a Swiss hotel when that happens. Not to mention the kids need us home. So as soon as I get the okay to come home I will be on the plane heading back to the beautiful city of Pittsburgh.

Of course this is always subject to change when God has His hand on things. The Houston treatment could become FDA approved and then my insurance will cover it. We could hit the lottery and be able to afford it. Or God could open other doors for us. Heck I could go for a scan and be completely cured. Nothing is impossible with Him. It has happen before. But as of now we are set to go over the pond and get that magic potion.

Please keep praying for me and my four boys. I'll keep fighting.

I also want to remind everyone of the Saturday book signing and spa treatment night at Bella Figura Spa from 6:30-9:00. I will be speaking and signing books. But the more exciting thing is several mini spa treatments available. To purchase tickets please email bellafiguraspa@yahoo.com. Their will be food and wine and fun. I hope you can join us.

Bella Figura Spa address
608 Main Street
Pittsburgh, Pa (Sharpesburg)

Love,
Sunny

Always Thankful

2011-11-24T19:54:00.000-08:00

How can I even began to list all that I am thankful for today? Honestly, I feel like this day is just not fair for someone like me. When we go around the table to say what we are thankful for I want to pull out my six foot long scroll listing each and every blessing I have received this year. Someone who has been given so much in the last three years can not possibly pick a few. Of course the obvious is my life. I was told May of 2008 that I was to prepare for a long six months, if I was lucky to have that left. Here I am more then three years later able to enjoy my day with my amazing family. Of course the past few years have not been rainbows, puppies and unicorns. In fact they have been more difficult then I could ever imagine. Especially the last few months. But I am here another Thanksgiving so what else can I want?

This is only the second year in the past twelve years that we were not in FL for Thanksgiving. So of course Mark, the boys and I were missing our swim in the ocean right before we feasted on the dinner....especially Mark. Tomorrow is his birthday and we always spend that day surfing and just loving the ocean. However, its been a rough few months and I did not think I could make the trip. Not to mention we are trying hard to save for my new treatment. I really regret it now. Never again will I let this cancer stop me from that trip. It is the one time of year that we are together with no interruptions. We go to the beach, the pool, the boys and their cousins have a turkey bowel football game, we eat, and then play games that night. Minimum TV stations and no Internet. Just the simple life of forcing three teenagers to spend time with their parents. Simple to us....not so much for them. Its been an empty feeling all day. But we are still just happy to be together.

Tomorrow is Mark's 41st Birthday. He's got the whole day planned in between basketball and soccer practice which he reminds me the boys would be missing if we were in FL. We are then going to do a big tail gate party with the Back-yard brawl....Pitt and WV. I pulled all the boys aside yesterday and told them that there is to be no plans made for their busy social lives and no mention of what they will be missing tomorrow. Its dad's day and nothing else. Truly its kinda of dad's week. He really does milk the whole birthday to a birthweek. But he does deserve it.

As I said Thanksgiving is a day that people like me don't need. We don't need a day to remember all the blessing we have, we see them right in front of us everyday. When you are fighting to stay alive every little thing seems to be huge. Every well wish, act of kindness, beautiful flower or sunset, every hug that is given to you, every tear that is shed for you and every pray that is said I appreciate. When I have a day like today and I can get out of bed and control my pain, go to Grandma's for dinner, sit with a nephew and reminisce, get a hug from a brother, or have a son tell you that you look good I have moments that you know you must be thankful for. When you arrive at dinner and everyone is happy you made it. When you see your children's smiling faces and having a good time with their family. When a niece tells you her Christmas list. It's again "THE GOOD IN CANCER". So yes Thanksgiving is an important day to count your blessing and have somethings to say when its your turn at the dinner table. But for me everyday is Thanksgiving because I am so thankful for every little thing.

Happy Everyday,
Sunny

Net Cancer Awareness Day thank you!

2011-11-12T19:53:00.000-08:00

Thursday, November 10th was World Net (neuroendrocrine or carcinoid) Cancer Day. I reached out to all my family and friends asking them to please help me raise awareness. It is so important to raise awareness of the misdiagnosed cancer. Many expert say neuroendrocrine carcinoid cancer is a rare cancer because the number of those suffering are less then 1% of all the other cancer. I truly believe it is less rarer then thought to be. I think that because it's such a difficult cancer to detect it is often missed or misdiagnosed. In fact the slogan for Net cancer is "if you don't suspect you can't detect". I think that many cancer patients actually have carcinoid cancer however doctors don't test for it and name it the cancer of the organ that the cancer effects. For example when I was first diagnosed with cancer in 1994 I was told I had ovarian cancer. I had my ovary removed and a quick course of chemo and on my way. Then a year later it returned in the other ovary. The doctor was very careful and removed the tumor, left the damage ovary, small course of chemo and again on my way. I was then told I was cancer free. Only to have it return years later in my lung. I was not being scanned anymore because it had been over five years. I had lost my lung because I was diagnosed to late to save it. The cancer had engulfed almost my entire lung. I don't want to get into my story you can read it here on the blog or in my book. But I want to stress that it is important to have every tumor tested for carcinoid. If I was diagnosed correctly in the very beginning I could of manage this cancer and would never be as far as I am now. I don't want anyone to suffer because of doctors that are not knowledgeable of this cancer and don't test for it. There is no cure at this time for carcinoid cancer however, it can be managed if it does not get to stage four like mine. Now I feel like an hour glass and the sand is running faster and faster everyday.
As I said I reached out to all my friends and family asking them to support me on November 10th and wear black and white or even better zebra print for the day. I also told them to make sure they tell everyone why they are dressed that way and explain to them what carcinoid cancer is. Once again I should not be surprised, but I was, the out pour of love for me was amazing. I am still in awe and drying the tears from my eyes at the number of people who stepped up to the plate for me again. My phone was going crazy all day with text messages of photos of people in their black and white, zebra prints or my "Sunny Team" tshirts. My facebook friends changed their profile pictures to the black and white carcinoid ribbon in my honor. I had even had a few people have their place of work participate in the awareness day too. All of them sending me photos. My eight year old niece brought my book into her classroom and while dressed in her "Sunny Team" shirt told her whole class about me and carcinoid cancer. I had Sunny Carcinoid Supporters all over the US and even one in Switzerland. The bartender at the hotel I stayed at when I got my treatments sent me a email telling me he wore his wife's zebra head band for me. The zebras were galloping around in California, New York, Florida, Ohio, New Jersey, Delaware, Virginia, North Carolina, Texas, Maine, Nevada, Hawaii, St. Thomas and of course Pennsylvania (I hope I didn't miss anywhere) raising the awareness for NET cancer in my honor. I know I have said this over and over again, I hope no one ever gets sick of hearing it, but days like these are why I fight so damn hard. How could I ever give up when all those that love me are never giving up on "loving me through" this cancer?

Again I am reaching out to say thank you. Thank you for being part of my battle. I was speaking at my last book signing and I said, "when you are diagnosed with cancer everyone who loves you is diagnosed too". I did not realize that when I was first diagnosed; I thought I could fight it all on my own. I was tough and I did not need to bother anyone with my battle. I would go around faking that I was fine and I was handling this cancer war all by myself. I am not sure how long I went on like but I believe it was the words of Pastor Frank that kinda planted that seed that I need to accept help. In one of our conversation I told him that I was feeling so uncomfortable with all the donations, meals and offers to help me. He looked at me straight in my face and said, "if you don't let others in your life right now you are denying them the opportunity to be blessed". Well being that I have this huge fear of hurting any one's feelings I started to let others join my cancer battle team. Even though many tell me that they are blessed to be helping me I know that I could never of got this far without each one of you cheering me on. Thank you!!!!

I have made some huge decisions on my treatment plan this week and after I get all the "T's" crossed and "I's" dotted I will fill everyone in. I am asking for more prayer that Mark and I are heading in the right path and that all the finances line up so we can take a big leap in some experimental treatments. My mind is spinning and time is running out so we need to wrap this all up. Another thing I have learned in the past few years of my journey is that nothing I have been through I have done alone. Yes I have a great support group which gets bigger and bigger every minute but God is right there always. Prayer is what leads me to the answers....not just my little prays but all those who pray for me. God hears you. So please in the next few days pray that all the decisions we make are made because God lead us to them and that they become possible.

Love,
Sunny

Just a few of many pictures I got.

The Blessing I am receiving

2011-11-09T14:24:00.000-08:00

It's been almost three weeks since the debut of my book, "The Sunny Side of Cancer". I have had several dozen emails and several people approach me that my book has changed their whole outlook on life and living. The book is now been corrected for some missed typos and in its second print. At the end of this post I will share with your some emails, letters and texts I have received with feedback from my book. However before that I want to tell you what the debuting of this book has done for me. I have been sitting on printing this book for months. I was not quite sure anyone would want to read my story or my philosophy on getting through life's struggles. Then the editor printed four copies and gave them to my husband and boys. The look on their faces and the reaction they gave me when they held the book inspired me to finally print them. I saw such pride in my boys eyes that mom did more then fight cancer and lay in bed. Each one of them asked me to write something to them in it. Later that evening they sat in our family room and read different sections out loud to each other. So the next day I decided to continue on with the publishing.

I have to say I have been on an absolute kite since then. I feel like when people talk about my book they are talking about someone else......it can't be me. I have had three book signing and I am schedule for four more in the next month. I even turned a few down because the timing with my boys schedules don't mesh. The reaction I have had has been so humbling. I have met they most amazing people in the last few weeks and heard so many heroic cancer battles. This is the pick me up that I really needed. God knows just when to throw me a bone to show me life is worth fighting for.

On Saturday and Sunday, October 29th and October 30th, I was asked to speak at Unity Community Church, where I am a member, during service and then do a book signing. I have to say those two days changed my life. The togetherness and spiritual uplift in the service, especially Sunday's 11 service, was indescribable. I could feel the love all through me. Although, I was there to tell my story and how I chose to turn my battle over to God I was the one that was touched again. I can not tell you the out pour of love I got those two days and continue to get everyday. Then when my good friend and cancer prayer warrior Roza Kline sang our song, well Martina's song, "I'm going to love your through it" there was not a dry eye in our packed church. I just feel so special and I don't deserve all this attention. I have to give all the glory to God. I am not a writer by training and never set out to write a book.....it all just happen. I am not sure how it all came about but I have to express that God was holding my hand through every click of the keyboard.

The sales have been great, but the words and kindness towards the book is the most wonderful thing ever. I am not boosting in any way I just want to express what the words of encouragement and kindness regarding my heart on paper has done for me. I love all of you for pumping me up and for loving my story. Below is some of the feedback I have gotten (I excluded all names for privacy reasons):

Email:
Sunny,
thanks for writing this book. I started reading it today on my lunch break but had to close it up because the tears started flowing and my makeup was running down my face. So on the way home while sitting on the "T" I put my sunglasses on and continued. I can't put it down. Just so moving and touching. It's really changing my outlook on all my problems.

Text:
Finished you book in 2 days. WOW!!!! I never knew.

Facebook message:
I wanted to let you know that I read your book and it was amazing, as are you. You are truly an inspiration to many, whether you know it of not. Your children and your husband are blessed to have you.

My mom also ordered it and is making my Dad read it. He was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer at the base of his tongue. He finished the treatments and his first PET scan was good. Second one was not good but they think it was just ulcers. He still feels crappy but the tests are good. He has been feeling down lately so she wanted him to get some perspective and we are hoping your book will help.

Keep fighting the good fight, you have so many people praying for you and pulling for you.

Email:

My name is xxxxx and I have met you twice through amutual good friend of ours, xxxx. xxxx actually bought me a copy of your book and dropped it off to me last Saturday. I have known through the years the different fundraisers that were done on your behalf and Iknew your story through xxxx and xxxx, or should I say, I thought I knew your story.

I picked up your book on Saturday at 3:30 and didn’t put it down until midnight (except to eat dinner). Your book…………..I can’t even find the words to describe what I want to say. I can only tell you how I felt while reading your book, it made me feel like I want to be a better person and appreciate every moment I have here on earth. I want to spend every second enjoying life without complaining about work, finances,and the little things that I can’t even remember. As I was reading yourbook, I would text xxxx different pages and your message for that blog or a quote that you had and it was just like I couldn’t get enough.

I don’t know how to describe you, I was trying to explain you and your story to a few people and I couldn’t put into words,the best I could come up with is that you were sent here as one of God’sspecial Angels to spread your infectious love and message of strength and happiness. You are truly such a special and brave person.
Your book sends a message of how to live and enjoy life andyour blogs and your message is relatable for everyday life and everyday problems. I know that writing your blog was therapeutic to you but inturn, your book is therapy for everyone who reads it. Now that I havefinished your book, I will go ahead and study it again and make sure that I “dog-ear”certain pages and highlight certain quotes and messages.

My family and I also spent a great part of my kids childhood vacationing in Vero Beach and driving there every year together and when you were talking about your drives to/from Florida, I could totally relate to so many of the things you wrote about. I, too, always loved those long road trips because it was a great bonding time for our family….20 hours togetherand no one could leave the room, we had to be together talking, listening tothe same music and looking at nature’s beauty as we drove.

Sunny, you are truly an inspiration and you have inspired me to be a better person and love my life and those in it. I am so thankfulthat Lisa thought of me and bought me a copy of your book. I will beforever grateful to her for that.

Thank you for teaching me about life and also making me appreciate everything. I will keep you and your family in my prayers and I will make sure to get involved with your fundraisers, I’ll make surethat xxxx keeps me posted.

Text:
Got you book in the mail today and read the first five chapters before bed. I am so moved. Can't wait to read more tomorrow.

Facebook Message:
Just finished your book. As a carcinoid fighter thank you!!! You put the whole battle in perspective. I can't give up.

Text:
I just finished my last round of chemo today!!!! I feel like giving up but if you can do it then I can do it. Thanks and hugs.

Once again I am not writing this to be boastful in any way at all. In fact I am quite humbled. I just want to let all those that reached out to me that it means so much to me. Thank you for being with me through this fight and loving me through it.

Sunny

My Swiss roommate

2011-11-02T16:01:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post today about my amazing weekend at Unity Church with my second book signing. I also wanted to tell you the wonderful experience I had speaking at three services about how my life has changed and the "Good in Cancer". However, yesterday I had some devastating news and I think I need to give honor to someone who fought the great fight of Carcinoid cancer.

Another one of my carcinoid posse has passed and this one has hit me hard. Kathy Pelkey had lost her battle on October 30th. Kathy and I met in Switzerland when we were the only two Americans there receiving the experimental PRRT treatment. We were actually roommates. I think God put her there to help me get through two very rough nights. When I arrived first at the hospital the nurse that checked me in said that they only have one room that is not a single room and I am lucky enough to get it. I remember looking at Mark with a bit frustration because I felt a little cheated that I was paying all this money and now I have to share a tiny European room with another very ill patient. I believe I made a comment about hoping they speak English and the nurse came back with, "you and her are the only Americans so we thought you can help each other". Mark was relieved that I would have someone in the room with me since they kicked him out before noon that day.

When Kathy and her husband came into the room to check in just about an hour after me I felt such a sense of peace. She had children just a little bit younger then me and I felt like she was my mom. Mark and her husband got along really good too. After the men left, I went to get the magic drug first and I remember her giving me a wink as I walked out the door. Her knowing exactly the anxiety I was trying to hide because she was trying to her anxiety too. When I got back to the room she had already went to the dungeon to get her expensive life saver. After about an hour we were both sitting in the room bored out of our mind. We played cards, ate together and we talked a lot. There was no curtain or anything to separate our beds...just night stands. We each had our own television however the room was so small we kinda had to watch the same channel, but there was only two American speaking stations so that didn't matter. I believe we watch some "I love Lucie" reruns and I remember he laughing so happily. We talked about our children and her grandchildren. I could tell she was a complete hands on mom. She talked with such pride about them. When her husband came in to visit you could just see the love in his eyes. I remember him saying that he would do anything to save her.

The first night was really hard for me. I was in a lot of pain and really sick to my stomach. Kathy did not have as many tumors as I so she took the treatment much better then I did. I felt horrible because I was so sick I kept her up all night. She did not seem to care at all, she actually was helping me. She comb my hair because it was getting in my face when I would get sick. She even sat in the chair close to my bed for awhile to help me with the bucket when I needed it. Truly just an angel. However all of that is not what I admired most about Kathy. The first night of our stay after we talked for hours Kathy asked me if I was a Christian. I then reached in my bag and pulled out my Bible. She opened the draw of the night stand and pulled out her Bible too.

At that time we talked about our favorite scriptures and she told me about things that had happen to her in life that where amazing miracles. It was not one of those highly "Bible pumping" talks that can make you nervous; it was just a natural talk. It was such a nice time that we spent together across the ocean saving our lives. Kathy was from Minnesota so she had that cute accent and it was fun to listen to her speak. She guessed that Mark and I were from New York because she said we talked to fast she couldn't keep up. When I told her from Pittsburgh she talked about the Steelers. It was like having my mom right next to me. My Pastor always says, "you go nowhere by accident. Wherever you go, God is sending you. Wherever you are, God has put you there. God has something He wants to do in you, or through you, where you are."

I believe Kathy was my roommate for a reason. I grew up in a very large family and had to share a room for a long time.....even three to four in a room. So I am a bit selfish about my space as an adult. Poor Mark only gets a little space in our California King size bed. However, I am glad that God infringed on my comfort zone. I kept in touch with Kathy for awhile, then it we lost touch. So we I heard the news from her daughter that she had passed I felt a little bad that I lost contact. I do know that her because of her faith and the example that she showed me she is in a more glorious place that we can ever imagine.

Next post I promise will be the joy I felt this weekend.

Love,
Sunny

Unity Church

2011-10-28T20:30:00.001-07:00

I will be at Unity Church in Plum Pa on Sat at 6:00 service and Sunday at 9:30 and 11:00 service for a book signing. Thank you Pastor Frank and my church community for all your support. I hope you can all come and experience our amazing church.
Also, free shipping ends Sunday so order your books online soon. ;)

Thank you,
Sunny

A Day to remember

2011-10-25T21:07:00.000-07:00

I honestly don't know how to explain yesterday, The fourth annual "Take a Swing Against Cancer" wiffleball tournament. Amazing, fantastic, humbling, tear jerking, inspirational, and beautiful are just thoughts going through my head. But none of those words describe the day quite the way I would want to. First of all the weather was absolutely perfect. The sun was shining and high in the 60's. Just a picture perfect day. At one point of the day I stood at the bottom of the hill by the pavilion and quietly took it all in. How can such a riping cancer bring so much joy and happiness? Everyone laughing and having fun. All positive and not a smell of pain or fear around.

I think it really hit me when my friend, Roza, sang the song, "I'm gonna love you through it". Hearing sniffles all around me I could only look straight head and put that fake smile on my face. I became overwhelmed with emotion when I realized that every single person here was here to support me. I can not tell you how Sunday lifted me up. Fighting this cancer is a battle everyday. In the beginning when it was not as advanced I could go a day or two and almost forget that I was fighting this disease. But now that it has advanced there is something, either a pain or sick to my stomach or even tighten the string on my sweatpants because I lost so much weight, everyday or every second that says, "you are sick". However, that does not mean I need to put my head down and feel sorry for myself. How can I do that when I have blessing like Sunday? This day gives me my refuel to kick butt. To take a swing at cancer.

On another note, Today is the first day of sales for my book, "the Sunny Side of Cancer". It's been selling pretty well. Free shipping to the first few days so take advantage of this.

I wanted to announce my newly published book titled, "The Sunny Side of Cancer". It will be in stores and online for Christmas sales. To buy it now go to @ www.sunnycarneycarcinoidcancerfund.blogspot.com. My book is an easy read about my cancer battle through the eyes of a mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and business owner. I talk about everything from telling my kids the news, struggles and stress on marriage, the need to raise awareness of NET, treatments and my journey and treatments in Switzerland. My goal is to raise awareness of NET/Carcinoid Cancer and helping others living life with a positive attitude despite the obstacles in our way. I want those that read the book to understand that life can get tough but with faith and strength we can enjoy it. My wish is that after reading this book people put it down and say, "everyday is a blessing....live it to the fullest." I hope you all enjoy it.

I hope those who have followed my blog will buy the book. Mark said that they are going to know me so well they can all move in.

Until Later,
Sunny

2011-10-17T13:53:00.001-07:00

On Sale October 25, 2011.

Surprise!!!

2011-10-15T09:28:00.000-07:00

I finally feel safe to let the cat out of the bag. The secret can be told because the product is in my hands. Yesterday I had the first batch of the final draft a my book delivered. Yes I wrote a book titled, The "Sunny" Side of Cancer. Let me explain how this came to fruition. Several publisher have contacted me to compose my blog and a few other personal stories in to published book. They wanted me to share my experience of this cancer journey on all aspects from the family personnel pain, to the treatment pain, the insurance issues, trip to Europe, and the awareness I am trying to raise about this rare cancer called neuroendrocine cancer or carcinoid. At the time I was flattered but did not feel that my story was really one anyone would read. Then my blog readings started to increase to a few hundred to thousands all over the world. Finally, a friend of my who works for a editing company talked me into it pulling my journals and blog post together. Next thing I know I was holding the first draft on Mother's day in my hand.

This book is not a medical journal of neuroendrocine carcinoid cancer. I am not an expert nor a doctor on the disease. In fact I am learning everyday and researching every minute I have about this cancer and the upcoming treatments related to carcinoid cancer. So please don't read it trying to learn the technical details or advice on treatments. Read it to see how I as a Christian mother and wife go through everyday with an incurable rare cancer. It is real life drama and I try to show the "Good in Cancer". There are several blog post and many personnel journal post. Its just about living life with an obstacle in the way. I hope people buy it and enjoy it. What I want most is to for those who read it to feel different when they close the last page.

It will debut at the Wiffleball tournament on Oct 23rd. See above for details. On Oct. 25th it will be available for sale on my website. Then by November it will be available on line and in bookstores.

Thank You all who talked me into writing this book. I really hope you enjoy it and give it for Christmas gifts.

Love Always,
Sunny

Catching Up

2011-10-09T09:38:00.000-07:00

There is much to catch everyone up on. First let me begin by telling you I finally had the two day Octreotide Scan. Going through this scan this time really showed me exactly how much my cancer has progressed. When I was first diagnosed it truly was no problem to lay in that tube for hours two days in a row. I actually used that time as almost a mediation period. I am not saying that I enjoyed it but I did it with no issues. Well three weeks ago the repeat of that scan was not as pleasant. The masses in my bones have just taken over. I think it was about eight minutes into the test that I was praying for it to end. By day two I was so worked up about not being able to finish the entire scan that Mark and the tech actually sat with me and cheered me through the whole thing. By the end I was crying and praying uncontrollable. When they finally pulled me out of the tube you would of thought I conquered Mt. Everest. I was hugging everyone and saying over and over again, "I finished it.....I did it". I felt so weak and like a complete baby. But I did it and at that point could care less what anyone was thinking. The scan was on a Tuesday and Wednesday and by Thursday afternoon I called a message from Dr. Freidland that my results were back. Mark wanted me to call him back insistently in fact he was upset I missed the call. However, knowing how the last few months have been for me I really was not ready to hear the news. So I waited the weekend and called him back on Monday.

Dr. Freidland and I went over the results and immediately I made an appointment to see him face to face. The Octreotide showed much progression in the tumors that I already have and several new tumors in my hips, back, legs and liver. I kept the news to Mark and myself until I met with doc and had a game plan. I love all those who care about me but it can be very frustrating for me to give bad news and not have any answers on a solution to those I am giving the news to. The first question that I am asked is, "what are you going to do about it?" and fighting cancer does not always have answers like that.

After my appointment with the doc we started taking steps to a new plan of action. I went for some CT scans to take a closer look at the liver and see exactly what the size of the tumors where. The CT scan also shows what is going on inside the liver and the tumors. With those results we can tell the seriousness of the progression. Dr. Freidland stressed that its time to get a move on some PRRT treatments. He did care if it was in Europe or Houston TX but just get something started before its to late. We are schedule tentatively to go to Houston on November 1st. I say tentatively loosely because their are several factors that come to play. Fist the finances, the LU-177 that has shown best results is extremely expensive. We are saving it's just get it all together. Secondly, I am looking into places in Switzerland, Germany and Holland to see if they are more affordable. So I am reaching out to my NET posses all over the world to please email me any information you may have. Mark and I both agree that money will not stop me from my fight but we need to make smart decisions before we spend this amount of money.

As many of you know the founder of Apple, Steve Jobs, passed away this week. The media has been reporting that he passed from a rare form of pancreatic cancer. That rare form of cancer is neuroendrocine, carcinoid or NETS.....whatever way you want to call it. It frustrates me that the media does not report on this further. Today there are several medical talk shows that could expand on this cancer and get the word out that it is the number one misdiagnosed cancer. In some cases it is a slow growing cancer but by the time its been diagnosed it may have been growing for years. Many times its to late once they detect it. I have atypical which means its more aggressive then other forms of NETS. Although, I've been told that its been three years since then. So who knows? My point is as simple as can be: SPREAD THE WORD about carciniod.

On a positive note The Fourth Annual, "Take a Swing Against Carcinoid Cancer Wiffleball Tournament" is only two weeks away. We need you to help us spread the word and grace us with your presences. PLEASE register ASAP. All ages and all types can play. We even had 80 year old Grandma take a swing last year. There is no running, its truly like you neighborhood backyard game of wiffleball. This event is such an amazing day. Great fun and wonderful prizes. We are even auctioning off a FL vacation. If you are not interested in participated come for the day to spend it with your family. Food, beverages and games for a $10 donations. Several groups were upset that they have a football game or a church event. This is event is all day. Come and go as you please. Get you hand stamped and leave. Come back when you are done with your schedule. Don't miss the joy and love that this day brings. Not to mention there is a big surprise this year. BIG SURPRISE!!!! It is truly a wonderful day. Days like these are the reason I fight with all I have. I love seeing all you guys there to support me. Please come.

Sunny

old post

2011-09-24T18:27:00.000-07:00

So I was reading through some old post for a surprise I have coming.....can't tell you. I'll let the hat out of the bag soon.

Anyways I saw this one and I wanted to repost it because it brought tears to my eyes. I completely forgot about this day.

March 23, 2010

Daffodil

Sunday was such a glorious day here in Pittsburgh. Of course that means the boys and a large group of their friends will spend most of the day outside. After spending a few hours at a photo shoot I came home to an empty house with the remains of several messy boys left behind. Drink glasses half full, about a dozen of Popsicles wrappers and sticks scatter about the kitchen counter and an empty fridge that was full before I left that morning was proof that they still lived there but only entered the house to refuel theirs and their buddies’ bellies. I rushed home because I expected to be greeted by my four favorite boys waiting for me to do something fun with them. I quickly realized that they are now teenagers and they did not even realize I was gone for hours.

As I was cleaning up the mess in the kitchen and feeling very used, I heard my cell phone buzzing that a text just came through. Needing an excuse to not continue I grab my phone to check out what it said. I looked down to see Fav yung son on the name of who the text was sent. That stands for "my favorite youngest son" which is what I jokingly call him at times. I open the text only to see it was a picture of a daffodil from my Nolan and text written above the picture that said, "with the gang and saw this in someone's yard and thought of you. I cannot pick it because I don't want anyone to think I'm weird. I hope you like to just look at it.” I must say my heart insistently melted.

I have to wonder if cancer has made Nolan as thoughtful as he was on Sunday. Has our journey softened my boys? Or would they have become this sensitive and loving even if we had a normal life? I truly believe they have become who they are because of our situation. Believe me when I tell you this surprise does not happen often, but they seem to come at such perfect times. I hate cancer and I hate what it does to others and families. I believe that cancer is somehow a form of the devil. But I also know that we have become different people for the better because of being struck with this daemon.

About an hour after receiving the text, the door flew open and in come a group of about twelve boys ranging from the ages of 11 to 15 to hit our basement to watch the NCAA march madness with Mark. I cringed because I knew this meant mess number two and bad odors entering my freshly cleaned house. I handed each one a bottle of water and warned Mark they were entering the "man cave.” At the end of the stampede was Nolan holding that beautiful daffodil he texted me a picture of. Once again I felt my heart melting like candle wax. He handed me the flower and told me to hurry and put it water because he picked it right after he texted me. He claimed that Austen and Logan told him to. I gave him a huge hug and just held him. He then pulled away when he heard someone yelling for him to hurry up because Pitt was on. As he ran downstairs to join the rest of "THE GANG" he turned to me and demanded, "chips mom.” Once again I knew that despite my cancer I have a truly perfect life.

Sunny

Miles of Smiles

2011-09-18T18:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the 4th Annual Miles for Smiles for Carcinoid Cancer for Sunny 5k run and 1 mile walk. I cannot believe I wrote 4th Annual. Its been three and a half years since my relapse. Anyways, I think it was the best one yet. Our turnout was the largest ever. The weather was absolutely beautiful. But the peace, love and spirit in the air was fantastic. Every year is better then the last without saying, but there was something different about this year. I cannot put my finger exactly on it so I am hoping by the time I am finish with this post putting my thoughts down will help me understand what I was feeling. I hope I can just get through the post and hit publish. I have been trying since yesterday afternoon but every time I type a little the tears have overwhelmed me.

Three and half years ago when I was approached by a few friends that had this wonderful idea to start this group made up of runners to help me get to the funds I need to get to Switzerland and any other medical expenses I was overwhelmed with gratitude. I had just been told that my cancer was back and there was no known treatments in the US. I hesitated at first to accept their offer to have a race to raise money for my treatments. I had no idea how we would cover all the cost of this cancer journey however I did not want to reach out for help. Then one of the R4R (running for a reason) members said, "we need a reason to get up and run everyday. We want you to be our reason. Do not deny us this opportunity". With a little more nudging I reluctantly accepted. Little did I know at the time that this whole event would not just change my life but reach out and touch so many other lives.

I don't even know the words to describe yesterday. Amazing, beautiful, spiritual, humbling and fabulous are just a few but cannot even begin to describe the love that was felt. I have to tell you that it could not of come at a more perfect time. The last few months have been really rough on me. Hence the lack of posts. Everyday is a new issue. The pain is overtaking at times and to add the weakness and fatigue. I have been trying hard to hold on to my spirit and good attitude. However at times its been close to impossible. When fighting cancer there are times when you feel like the whole world is going on without you. It invades your life. My faith keeps me strong but sometimes I need a little more. Yesterday was the MORE I needed to keep me going for a long time. The support and love I felt motivates me to go on. Mark told me today that I am like a new person. I don't feel any less of a cancer patient. The pain is still there and I am exhausted as usual. But I have that perk again. The spunk is back and the will to go on is sparked again. I had no idea that yesterday would do that for me but honestly today I feel refreshed. When the R4R group originally named the race "Miles for Smiles" I think is was because I am always smiling. Its been my "MO" since I was just a little girl. Well on the outside I have not lost that smile, but lately on the inside its been harder and harder to feel happy. So this race the "Miles for Smiles" for me means you gave me my inside smile back.

I have to give a big shout of appreciation to my R4R family. I would list each name but they are so humble they would not want me to. One of the biggest things in ones life to give to someone is not money or material goods. Time is the most valuable gift you can give anyone. Each and ever member of R4R has given so much of their precious time me. An event of this magnitude is not something that is done in a week. It takes months and months of planning. Many nights have been spent at meetings. Many hours have been spent on the phone. All time that they can never get back......all time they have given to me and my family. Like I have said many many times over and over again the two little words "Thank You" does not seem to describe who much I appreciate everything you have all done. What amazes me more is that each one of you has said thank you to me for letting you do this event. Thank You to me? Really? It just shows the hearts of each of you. I have to tell you all that I really do love you like my own family. We have a bond that will forever be. You are all in this journey with me. You are my running angels.

So I guess I figured out why yesterday was so different then any other event we have had. Its because I needed the love more then ever before. This cancer life was starting to overcome me. It was starting to crush my spirit. Yesterday was the exact lifted I needed to continue to fight. I needed to see how many people are still at my side. I had to see that my life can go on like everyone else. It may not be in the same direction as others but I have a life to live. My life is to fight this beast.

Thank you everyone you participated in every way you all did. Thank you all the sponsors. Thank you all who came and hugged me. Thank you my running angels for continuing to love me through it.

Love.
Sunny

2011-08-16T16:36:00.000-07:00

I have to start off by saying the last few weeks have had it's ups and downs. We took a family vacation to Geneva on the Lake. It was beautiful and very peaceful. The boys are teenagers so being with their parents isn't quite as cool, but they made the best of it. Mark took them to a warterpark, I opted out because of treatments, they played some golf and spent some time in the lake. Because of my weakness and some pain I had to stay back at the lodge but I made myself comfortable in the hot tub. Truly, I really was just happy to see them having a great time. However, each trip or adventure is defiantly used as a marker to the progression of my cancer. The boys remember the last vacation and what I was able to do. They recall how much better I felt and subconsciously compare. Several times I heard them say things like, "last trip she went golfing or she walked the beach every morning the last time we went away". One day I went back to our room to rest after a while the boys were in there room and I heard my oldest ask if I was sleeping again. Of course I popped right out of bed then. But when I asked them if they wanted to do something they just grunted. I have to say I was just glad we were all together no matter how I felt. We had some great nights at the lodge and did a lot of night swimming. Well they swam and I sat very comfortably in the hot tub. After six days together we were all ready to get home. Me to my comfortable bed and wonderful shower and the boys to their friends and social life.

After we got home the my pain become uncontrollable again. I truly wish I understood this cancer. It's as unpredictable as the Pittsburgh Pirates. However, I am relieved the pain waited until I got home. There were a few days on vacation that I was not well but the day was not a complete wash. Friday night I think Mark and I got a total of 30 minutes of sleep. It was one of the pains that truly nothing would work on. Mark finally just held me as I curled up in a ball, we prayed out loud and we dozed off for a short time. Saturday I spent in bed most of the day while Mark tended to the boys activities. Logan and Nolan spent the night at my mom's so that they could get a good quiet night of rest. Austen did his social thing and really is somewhat unaffected by my bad days. He's a teenager and really its all about him, which I am actually thankful for.

On Friday when I knew this was going to be a long pain bout I sent out some notes to my prayer warriors. I also knew that my regular pray warriors for me would get the word too. I don't know how many total I had praying for me but I figure it must of been a large group. Sunday morning I awaken at my usual 5 am and realized that I had only been up once in the middle of the night to take a pain pill. I felt refreshed and the pain had lessened greatly. I was afraid to wake Mark to tell him that I felt good for fear that it was just a temporary thing. My mornings are my time to read my devotional and my bible. After about an hour I tapped on Mark's arm and told him I felt good. I cannot wait to share that kind of news with him. He worries so much when I am at my worse and breathes again when those times pass. I just wanted to start the day because I did not want to miss anytime that I felt good. Unfortunately it was only 6 am and the sun was not even up.

I had to go to church on Sunday. I had to show thanks to God. Our Pastor, Frank Deluce, says at the end of every service, "Remember you go no place by accident, where ever you go God is sending you." This Sunday was one of those days. Have you ever felt in church that the sermon was written just for you? Do you ever wonder if everyone is hearing the same thing you are hearing? That was this day. The topic was Sustaining Grace and how God gives you this gift just when you think you cannot handle anymore. Sustaining Grace is defined as a specific, timely infusion of God's strength in a Christ-follower to allow them to find hope and endurance as they are matured through all kinds of suffering.

It was like a light bulb went off in my head. At times when I have been at my lowest point and think that I may not get out of this one, I manage to give it to Him. I have reached out to others and asked for pray. I have wondered how I got through some of the things I have gone through, but I know now that it is God that gives me sustaining grace. We don't know when its going to come or how much suffering we have to endure before God gives it to us. But if we approach Him with confidence and ask, in His time we will receive. This does not mean our trails will be less or go away. It means we will be equipped to handle them better. I don't know when the battle of cancer will be ending for me or even how it will end, but what I need to remember is that I will always be given God's grace to handle it.

There’s a mission to accomplish, and a battle to be won!
We’ve been called to take the challenge by God’s might and through His Son;
He will give us grace to complete the race, moving forward, pressing on!'

With Grace,
Sunny

SIXTEEN YEARS WITH SUNSHINE

2011-07-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know that today is our anniversary. Some of you may have been there. If so, then you remember that day as the hottest July 22 in Pittsburgh history(heat index of like 147F in St Rosalia's...the ceiling fans a nice visual touch though) so its only fitting that its hot enough today to recreate the actual event if we wanted to. If Nike Dri Fit could be made into a tux it would have been moist that afternoon. Sunny had designed her own gown, her mother had made it, and the visual impact of her tan skin with the lace trim and beaded train(no not bedazzled, although our kids mumbled that when forced to watch the old school VHS) was as stunningly beautiful as a heavenly first glimpse of a rich orange sun rising out of the blue Atlantic into the soft morning sky, still draped with the clouds of the night before. To say she was a beautiful bride is an understatement bigger than asserting the Pirates are doing a little better than predicted. I always joke that the key to a happy marriage is to "marry up" and have a wife that when the two of you enter a room the murmuring starts--Damn....why is she with him?

I have always said that the beginning of my sales career....the biggest sale I ever closed....was the plan I had to lay out and execute to woo the Warden's daughter. Every other challenge business can throw my way is a no-brainer in comparision. She has been my best friend , my inspiration, my voice of reason, my walking miracle ever since.

So today I don't reflect on treatments, appointments, medicine, or cancer. Today I celebrate the wonderful life that we have been blessed to share. Her smile is still wide, her nose still a little button, her eyes still bewitching. Her attitude still leaves no room for those that won't do the best they can. Her heart is as deep, her compassion as humbling, and her desire to push this man and this family forward as strong as ever.

So today as I recall the moments that make up the Kodak moments of our life together I can state that I love her more now than yesterday, and am thankful that she came into my life and decided to jump in the front car on this rollercoaster that we call life.

Sunny---Happy 16th....I love you

Mark

What's new???

2011-07-08T11:45:00.000-07:00

I know I started this blog to keep everyone updated on my treatments and progression of the cancer. But truthfully sometimes I just hate talking or writing about it. Its so involved and gets more complicated as time goes on. As for the blog its been more of way for me to let go of all the thoughts and feelings that go on in my mind as I battle then its original purpose. Some have told me they miss when I don't post for awhile because it uplifts them reading my entries. Others say they cannot read my blog and cry every time they go on. Of course neither was my intentions. It has kinda grown into more of an emotional blog then just facts and medical terminology. Although, I know that my purpose is to spread the news on treatments not to just update all those that care about me but to help other carcinoid patient that read my blog. So this post is going to be just that...the going ons of my cancer world for the past month or so.

Pain, pain, pain is all I can say to describe the last few months. Deep down actual bone pain. In April I had the chemoembolization of the liver and after an eight week wait we saw some progress. So my docs and I were thrilled about that. However that was just one tumor in the liver. But on the bright side that was the largest. That was my fifth chemoembolization since the discovery of this monster and I have to say it knocked me on my butt until about two weeks ago. I was not able to keep food down, very weak, extreme fatigue, and pain in the liver

In the meantime I have been also having horrible pain in the legs and back. All areas that I have tumors but this pain was more then that. I have had the feeling that more then just cancer is going on. My oncologist sent me for a series of MRIs but the pain was so bad I only made it through the first scan for 12 minutes. Got some results....saw some new tumors....but still think that there is more going on. I started physical therapy, actually going with Austen who has had knee surgery, and it helped strengthen me but the pain did not get much better. Finally after 8 weeks of PT my therapist suggested I go see an orthopedic doctor that he recommends. I have an oncologist orthopedic doctor that I like but don't love. He did save my leg and everyone that speaks of him say he is amazing (as a doctor and surgeon). I have to agree he is a genius but I complained to him several times about the pain and he said it was what I will get from the hip and femur replacement. Of course that is not good enough for me. I will accept my cancer but pain is not something I can live with. Not to mention I am miserable and that effects my kids. So since my PT guy thought that I should see this one I went.

He was great. He did more XRays and came to his opinion very quickly. He feels that the rod that was put to replace my hip and femur is too large for my small frame. He saw that the pin to connect the two was tearing and leaning on my tendons. He also showed me a new bone or calcification growing in that area. He determined that this would cause even someone without cancer tremendous pain. We came up with a few options but I need to consult with a few other doctors to make sure the are options for me.

That is the news on the medical front in a summary version. As I read over the last few paragraphs I get a pit in my stomach. That pit is probably why I hate writing or talking about what is medically going on with me. I don't mind when people ask and I share as much as I can. I really despise seeing the words written down though. There is so much more that has been going on with this cancer but its so complicated I really want to keep it in my head for now.

On a good note our family summer is going great. Austen is healing from his reconstructive knee surgery. I have been taking it easy on the chemo for now and am planning on starting my Houston treatment in Sept as long as my blood counts are up. The boys will be in school and that will make things easier for those that are pitching in to watch them.

I want to close this post with hope. In going through the last few months I have not lost my hope. However I know that faith is truly what makes you hope become reality.

Sunny

Summer

2011-06-10T18:21:00.000-07:00

It is officially summer in the Carney house. Yesterday was the last day of school and I no longer have any elementary school children. In a few months my youngest moves on to middle school with my middle son and my oldest starts High School. I truly wish I could be like other mothers and have tears of sadness because of how fast they are growing up but our family is not like others. I was so thrilled to be healthy enough to attend all the year end activities I could not help but have tears of complete joy. Joy that I am here to see each one of my sons reach a milestone.

As I sat holding Mark's hand at Nolan's sixth grade graduation on Tuesday I reminisced about his first day of kindergarten like I am sure all the other moms did. Mark wiped my check a few times and whispered to me, "you made it". I thought of the first time I put Nolan on the school bus with his brothers and then came home to an empty house. Even though I have not looked at the photo of him on that day for a long time I can tell you exactly what he was wearing that morning. His blond head, big blue eyes and adorable big smile ready to hit the world of school. He had no fears, just excitement to be with his brothers all day. Its one of those memories that you never forget. That day when I sat at the kitchen table, sticky with syrup and dirty dish from the first day of school smiley face pancakes, I cried tears of emptiness. Mark was probably working his normal 13+ hours a day and my three buddies were leaving me to be taught by someone else. Why does life have to move so quickly? Never did I imagine seven years later I would be praying to see them graduate from High School.

So the end of another school year to me, and other mothers battling cancer, are happy times. It is a day of relief that you made it. As I watch my boys grow up I see that every week, month, and year they become more independent and more prepared for life. As time through this cancer journey passes Mark becomes more prepared to raise our teenagers. Our family dynamics have changed since the three years of this fight. I know that my boys are okay and that I need to be here for me. I need to see my boys succeed more then I need to show them how to succeed. I am so happy that I am here to see my boys bring home report cards, graduate from elementary school, move on to middle school and high school, grow taller then their father, achieve their goals and grow closer to becoming an adult. So although my life is going by very quickly I am blessed that I am here to run the race of time. As I continue to fight everyday I hope that I remember what I write today. I pray that when the treatments are at their worse and the sickness and pain is overcoming I can keep going so I can shed more tears of joy.

Sunny

Scan Results

2011-06-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

As many of you know I had another chemoembolization to the liver on April 1st. It is not a secret that they are the most torturous treatments I have ever gone through. According to my liver oncologist many people have no problems with them and are back to normal activity in two or three weeks. I am not sure if he says that to ease my fear, because everyone that I have spoken with that has gone through them describes them just as horrid as I feel after one. I don't know if it's the amount of tumors I have in my liver, if its because my cancer is not "normal" liver cancer, or possibly the fact that I am a small framed lady. Whatever the case is I am a mess for two to three months after. This last one has really kick me in the butt. But every single one of those embolizations have given me some kind of shrinkage. Which makes it all worth it for me and my family.

Friday was my eight week scan to see if the treatment was a success. I must announce there was some shrinkage in one of the larger tumors in the liver. The other seven or so remained stable. I have to say Mark and I were extremely relieved that all the suffering lead to something good. Of course I am still fighting this cancer at full speed and without God's miracle of healing I will be for the rest of my life. Once again carcinoid is not curable. Not curable may seem quite bleak when you think of life and death. However, none of us can avoid death. My goal is to live long fighting this beast and keeping in control of it.

So we are now back on the game plan. My liver oncologist gave me some options. First he wanted to schedule another chemoembolization for the other remaining tumors to be attacked. Both Mark and I nearly fell off our chairs. The thought of doing this again so quickly was unbearable. Mark then spoke up and asked if that would be a good idea for me to go through this again with the pain I've been in and my blood levels nowhere near normal. Then doc looked at some of my charts and agreed that I may need to wait awhile. Gee, thanks for your knowledge doc. So we decided to plug forward and get me strong again.

The second option was to get my body strong, control the pain and get my blood levels up so that I can get to Houston for the experimental treatment LU77. It's been my plan all along and because of the new growth of the liver I had to put it on temporary hold. However, its on again depending on how quick my body bounces back. The third option I will leave for another day. In my opinion its one of the last options.

To many it may seem that my news is not so good. I am not in remission, my cancer is still through my body and there is no known cure right now. To me and my husband our prays have been answered. There was some shrinkage in the tumor that was giving me the most problems. I am not accepting that one day I will not be cancer free. We know that "All things are possible through HIM". However, I am thankful God has given me more time and more options. In a few months my oldest son will be starting high school. To many of my friends whose children are starting with him they are sad that time went so fast. I understand that because I would of felt the same way if it wasn't for my cancer. Although, to me I am so thrilled that I am here to see it happen. The tears I cry this Sept. after he walks out the door on his big HS adventure are not the same fearful tears I cried on his first day of kindergarten. They will be tears of relief that I am here for him. They will be tears of joy that our family has made it this far. I look back on three years ago and remember the doctor telling me to get things in order.....six months or less. I remember saying to Mark on the car ride home from that appointment, I will never see them go to High School. God has given me the opportunity to see them grow up three years older. God has blessed me. He is not done with me yet.

Thank you for all you prays,

Sunny

Never ask "why"

2011-05-18T15:56:00.000-07:00

April 21st since my last post...what is wrong with me? Well besides the obvious.

Actually this last chemoemobolization has really knocked me down. I hate to go into the details but the last couple of days I have been feeling a little bit back to normal. What ever normal feeling is anymore for me. Also, I have had my focus on some other issues going on in my family. My oldest is having surgery Monday on his knee. A few weeks ago he tore his ACL, PCL, MCL and menisci legiments playing basketball. We have been taking him to physical therapy and getting several opinion on doing surgery now while he is still growing or waiting until his growth is finished. Fortunately, I found a doctor that actually does this extensive surgery without hindering the growth plate. He is 14 and his growth plate is still completely open. However, he will be out of sports for a total of 6 months. For us cancer fighters that seems easy but for my teenager who eats, drinks and sleeps sports it was a big blow for him. I know that through this pain he will learn something that will be more valuable then any baseball or basketball game could teach him. So please keep him in your prays on Monday and the rest of his recovery. Between his appointments, my appointments and treatments I have had enough of anything that has to deal with health talk.

I had this burning desire to post today. I have started several entries but just could not find the right words to put down. Actually I have done that several times in the last few weeks. I am not sure if it is because I am not right with myself. Or maybe I have been so sick lately I just can't think about anything more then existing. I hope that neither is the reason but I am feeling it may just be. Then I read something that a friend of mine posted on Facebook, yes I give into FB. It was a quote from Coach Kay Yow, who passed away in 2009 from cancer. The quote goes like this:

I am not saying "why?". I am looking at all of the blessings I've had bestowed upon me. How can I say 'why' or be upset with this one thing (cancer) that I am dealing with when I have all these other blessing.

There has been days just recently when I have thought for a minute or two that I cannot do this anymore. I lose focus on the end results and get caught up in the pain and sickness of the treatments. But I don't ever want to ask why. I don't care why....I just want to enjoy what I do have. Cancer sucks. The treatments suck. What it does to my family sucks. But it does not control all the blessing I have in front of me. After I got home from the hospital from this last battle I said to the boys as they were getting ready for school in the morning, "I am so lucky". Of course I meant because they were helping out and getting themselves out the door. Then my son looked at me and answered like a typical teenager, "what drug are you on Mom......Lucky.....not really MOM!". I thought is was funny at the time because he did not see what I saw in front of me. It took cancer for me to realize my boys bringing down laundry baskets, emptying the dishwasher, making sure I had everything I needed and picking up there rooms all before school started was a blessing. Never before I got sick would I expect them to do any of those things....I was the mom. It took cancer for me to see that having three boys with straight "A's", good attitudes and happy kids that God gave me some really special kids. It took cancer for me to look at them and see the most amazing gifts I have. It took cancer for me to see what an amazing family I have. They are always then when I call and will do anything for my boys. It took cancer for me to have such great friendships. I have so many caring people in my life and what they have done for me is so valuable. So as I continue to battle through I will continue to see those blessing. I hope I never ask "WHY".

Sunny

Also, I want to thank my R4R running angels for running an amazing marathon this weekend in Pittsburgh. Mostly though I want to thank my dear friend Lisa Bernardi. Every mile she runs this year is sponsored for my treatments. Please see above for more. Thank you Lisa and I truly hope you are blessed like me through this journey.

2011-04-21T09:39:00.000-07:00

The last post is not the way I want to leave this blog. Let me update you on my progress and bring some positive thoughts. Tomorrow will be three weeks post chemoembolization and I am finally feeling half myself. The pain is controllable and everyday seems to be getting better. In two weeks we will get another CT Scan to see if those creepy liver tumors are being strangled. Depending on those results we take our next step of action. Which would be PRRT treatment in Houston.

Now the medical side is summed up pretty quickly. I know that many who read my blog want more about my medical and physical treatments. However, I just have the hardest time giving my energy in writing about it. I do want to tell you that over the last three weeks I once again have found that I am so blessed with so many people helping us out. Several times I am asked "how I do what I do?" and I have to tell you that I cannot get through these treatments without all the help I received. My family basically taken over my three boys crazy schedule, dinners sent to my home so that my men were fed, rides for the boys to all their activities so that Mark could be with me, cards sent just when I needed them and mostly the enormous amounts of prays being said especially on April 1st and 2nd. I wonder often how I can be so blessed to have so many people care about me and my boys. Just knowing that Mark can send out one message and have hundreds spreading the word to pray for me is better then any medicine. It may sound cheesy but I often wonder why I am so lucky to have so much love? At one point going through this torturous treatment I said to Mark, "our boys will be okay no matter what happens to me". He looked and shook his head yes with such conviction. Because I know that the I planted the seeds with them and that they have a amazing family and huge support system in our community. Knowing that helps me focus on just beating the hell out of this cancer.

I also wanted to let everyone know that on May 7th at Nesbits Bowling Alley in Plum a group of friends are holding a bowl-a-thon. This is exactly what I am talking about when I say love. The details are above and they are asking that you please register soon. I am so humbled by their efforts to keep me fighting. I truly hope you can all participate.

Sunny

Back Home

2011-04-05T20:03:00.000-07:00

Well Sunny is home and recovering from the latest Chemo-Immobilization treatment on the 1st. She came home on Sunday and a couple of days have came and went and the pain and nausea that accompanies the procedure continues to come and go as well. That first night at the hospital was a long hard one, and even though she is far from comfortable now, I know she would agree that the past couple of days have for the most part been a heck of a lot better than Friday night after the treatment. I won't go into a lot of details because honestly having been by her side that night into Saturday morning it is a memory that is seared into my mind and not in a good way. The pain orders were screwed up and she literally was in scream inducing pain for over fifteen hours straight. It was hard enough on me to watch , listen, feel helpless, I can't even imagine how it beat her up. I have since shared that I have never witnessed a water boarding session...but it was like being two feet away from a loved one, your partner, watching the CIA do their thing and not being able to do a damn thing to stop it. It was truly a sad and painful reflection on UPMC and the first time that her care their hasn't been top notch. They failed her that first night by not communicating.

It actually reached the brief moment that both of us in the midst of praying asked God if couldn't help the pain then maybe it was better if he just took her. I know that seems impossible to believe knowing how hard she fights, but this was absolutely the worst night of the entire "Cancer" journey yet. Thank God that he had other ideas and in the morning when the Liver Dr came in, she began to rectify the situation and as it turned out, was a fellow believer in the hands that are bigger than any doctors could ever be. We remember a nurses aide, Indian I think, coming in around four in the morning, just because she felt so bad for Sunny listening to her cry from down the hall, that she wanted to offer anything to help comfort, pop, ice, and then prayer. It was touching and I think somehow showed both of us to keep the faith, that He hadn't finished with Sunny just yet. Then Sunday morning an intern from Sunny's liver doctors practice came in to check on her. She was amazed at Sunny's turn around because she was the same intern on Saturday morning when the pain was at it's worse. Not knowing by then who helped her get things under control I think she was the one that finally order the pain pump that was to be order in the begin. The subject of faith came up and she asked Sunny what church she went too. She then said that seeing Sunny sitting on the edge of the bed praying confirmed her faith. There is more to that story but I will save that for Sunny.

So much for not going into detail. Now as I write this blog for her Tuesday evening, she has been sitting with the kids and her mother, has played a board game or two with Logan, has helped with studying, has watched Dancing With the Stars, and all in all the positive "sunny " attitude is back even if her body isn't completely just yet. She is sick to her stomach and has not been able to eat much. She has the usual side effects of the shakes, nausua, stomach issues and PAIN. But she is Sunny. She's exhausted but she still has her fight.

I want to say thanks on her behalf and the rest of our family for all of the dinners, the soup, the cards which arrive daily, the offers to help with the kids and their activities, and of course all of the prayers. Looking back on the past couple of days, there was a moment of desperation that has been followed by a reassuring sense that He most definitely is still in charge of all this. And that enables her to keep on fighting to first recover from the treatment, and focus on beating the disease.

So keep us (especially her) in your thoughts and prayers and remember that even in your lowest moment , when you don't think or feel you can go on, that its not really your call. So refocus on Him , your family, your life, and all of things that are important, and stay positive and enjoy every chance you have to make a difference.

Mark

Update

2011-03-22T16:29:00.000-07:00

As many of you know I had a new CT scan done almost two weeks ago. It was a routine CT scan which I always get before I go to see my liver oncologist. On Tuesday of last week Mark and I went to my liver oncology appointment feeling quite confident that all was still stable (not gone but no growth) in the liver being that I had a PET Scan just four weeks early. To our surprise, even complete shock, that was not the case. The CT scan showed several new tumors, growth in the old tumors and an increase in blood flow to several others. It had also showed some new lesions in the bones. With all the new findings we have sped up our game plan. On April 1st I will be heading to UPMC Presby for another chemo-embolization to the liver. This is a quite painful and intense treatment however, it has had great results in the past. I have often joked with Mark and my docs that this is a great way to torture terrorists. I will get ill and lose some of my hair but I have gotten through four of them in the past. Then depending on the results of that treatment I will be on my way to Houston, TX for an experimental treatment. I have been trying to hold off in starting this treatment because of cost but it seems like the time to go is now.

I waited a week before posting this news because I wanted to wrap my head around the results. Also, with so much support by my side sometimes I HATE posting disappointing news. Just speaking about it to me gives this cancer why to much time. I don't mind being asked how I am doing or what's going on, but when it's not so good news I just don't want to linger about it. I had to lay out a "game plan" before letting the news out. That way all the questions will be answered. Once I know the plan of attack then I can get on with it and start punching. Its the way I like to do things....compartmentalize and move on.

I want you to know that I am fine with the results. I will do what I need to do and have faith that each treatment leads me to a cure. Again I put my trust in "The Man Above" and know that I can get through it all. Please keep me in your prayers but mostly keep "my men" in your prays. Let them use this journey as an example of strength, faith, and hope.

Sunny

Perseverance

2011-03-14T04:46:00.000-07:00

Fall seven times, stand up eight......perseverance. Awhile back a friend of mine asked me if I could speak to her church, Orchard Hill, about my journey. The conversation led into the true meaning of perseverance. On Tuesday, March 15th a rebroadcast of the sermon that went with my conversation will on be Word FM at 3:00 PM (see above for a link). The last couple of weeks the word perseverance has been the subject to many topics and situations I have encountered. In my last post I touched on my desire to not be satisfied just living with carcinoid cancer until the disease "gets me". I am putting all my hope, prays and efforts into being cured. I refuse to listen to the medical facts that carcinoid cancer is incurable and a death sentence. Since my diagnosis there has been several new treatments that have been tested of carcinoid cancer. Not to mention the increase of diagnosis have nearly tripled in the past three years.

Several of my doctors continue to assure me that for the advancement of my cancer I am doing quite well. Although I appreciate their attempts to keep me positive, I understand that their concept of "doing well....considering" is NOT the same as my hope. They are masters of the medical facts, statics and science, but I know they are not masters of my faith. When they say that, in my mind they are actually saying, "I can't believe you are still here". It really makes me want to be a witness to them so that they can add faith to their knowledge. Not so much as, "look at me I'm still here. I'm still working, I'm still walking. I'm still a mom", but more of I still have belief that YOU the doctors will cure me through my faith.

A few weeks ago a friend sent me a book titled, "10 Hours to Live". When I open the package and read the title I was very intrigue. Of course Mark told me not to leave that book laying around in case the boys pick it up, he not realizing that between the covers was not about how to die but how to live. I read the back cover first, like I do with every book, and realized that the author of the book was the one that had been told he had 10 hours to live. So of course I had to read more because after all it takes more then 10 hours to write and publish a book let alone have it mailed to me. I must say I could not put it down and completely finished the entire book in three hours. Since then I have been rereading it and studying the whole concept. That concept of believing you can be healed through Scripture. This book has furthered my knowledge of how to fight this monster with faith. I have learned what it really means to believe in the true power of God's healing.

Through pray and faith my perseverance has grown even more since I spoke with Orchard Hill Church. The past two weeks my strength has truly been tested. Through Scripture and pray I have battled through it. It seems like when I conquer one part of this cancer or the treatments that comes with it another pops up. In speaking with several cancer patients that seems to be the trend with the journey of fighting the beast. Lately, when I open my eyes in the morning I just lay there for a few minutes to see what is next to conquer. A few days of bone pain leads to nausea. Then I get over that only to awaken to a mouth full of ulcers from the chemo. I can continue but I don't want to give the negative any credit. It's almost as if you don't know what affliction will be next. Thursday I went for a CT scan and the nurse that was administrating the IV made a comment, after reading the novel called my records, that cancer is always an uphill battle. Out of no were I answered back, "I'd rather be going uphill then downhill". She laughed and promised me she would tell that to her next patient. My point being is that when you have hope and faith you see things so differently. You know that while you are climbing the mountain or even falling downhill a bit, you are not alone.

Please listen to the great message about perseverance tomorrow at 3:00 PM on Word FM (see link above) in Pittsburgh that is station 101.5.

Sunny

Its been awhile

2011-02-21T12:21:00.000-08:00

I know that it has been a long time since my last post, and I am sorry for not updating sooner. Two weeks ago I got my new PET scan results and I was not sure how to share them without disappointing those who have been by my side. The scan showed some new tumors and some growth in the old ones on the bones. A few new tumors appeared in my back and chest area. However, it showed that the liver is stable. Which means there are no new tumors and the tumors that are in the liver have not grown.

My doctors, Mark and I felt that these results were pretty good despite the new tumors and the growth on the bones, but when I started to share the news with my loved ones they seemed worried and anxious. So I've been reluctant on spreading the news any further without first explaining why we were happy with the results. We have been told over and over again that there is no cure for my cancer. When it hits the liver and bones then the growth speeds up and the prognosis is not good. We were told 2 1/2 years ago that six good months is what we should expect. Again and again we were told that there was nothing left in the US that could save me. When I say we, I mean Mark, my general oncologist and me. Since then I have been on several chemo/cancer drugs, I have gone to every specialist in the US that we could find, I have had 4 chemo embolizations, I have had experimental treatments in Switzerland, and I am hoping to be able to receive newer treatments in Houston TX soon. So a small amount of growth, a few new tumors and stability in the liver is exciting to us. It keeps me hanging on until the next thing comes along.

With my journey being so public I sometimes feel like I don't want to let those who are my supporters down. I don't want to be the one that is being worried about. I want to show strength and faith through my fight. I want to be an example to my children that all things are possible. I want to inspire them to not give up and know that when they come across their biggest hurdle they see how strong their faith can be. At times it can be impossible for others to see things like Mark and I see this battle because we are actually going through it on a day to day basis. After we got the results I felt like I was on cloud nine. In talking with Mark after we left the doc's office I slipped up and said something to him about this giving me a few more months maybe a year. I was happy with that....actually thrilled. He seemed shocked when I said that and looked even sad. After a few days he asked me why I am okay with a year and wondering if I gave up on being cured. I realized that I did. I was looking at this war as small battles to win instead of complete victory over the cancer.

So in the last few weeks instead of posting, I was finding my FULL faith again. I needed to start believing again that one day a cure will happen. I decided that everyday my pray would be for God to take the cancer out of my body instead of my old prayers of: get me through this treatment, take away my pain today, help me out of bed or help me to get to the next treatment I need. I began believing like I use to that "All is possible, if we just ask". With this renewal I went back to my Bible and started studying scriptures that will help me see the powers of faith. Then recently I have had others reach out me asking for pray for something they were going through. I have seen others win battles with cancer and began to hear remission stories. Opportunities to help people close to me started coming my way and the scriptures I found I used to help them. It was like a small snowball that kept rolling and growing as it rolled.

Last night I got a FB messaged from one of my FB friends that said: never give up- keep researching and researching, finding doctors who will work with you and most of all PRAY; visualize all the cancer leaving your body, close you eyes and visualize it leaving and believe it. So this morning that is exactly what I did and I will do that everyday. I will not settle for a good day anymore. My hope and faith will let me believe that despite what all the gurus of Carcinoid Cancer says I can go in remission. After all, I have the best of the best Doctor on my side.

Sunny

I want to share the first scripture that I studied: "And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces PERSEVERANCE; perseverance produces CHARACTER; and character produces HOPE. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Roman 5 3-5

A note

2011-02-05T15:28:00.000-08:00

I had the kindest message sent to me the other day from a High School Senior in our community. I've known her since she was in grade school when I was involved very heavily with my children's school PTA. Her family are friends of mine and have been wonderful cheerleaders for me in my battle. I got a burst of energy to keep going when she sent me this message. To her it was probably nothing but to me it meant that my fight to stay alive has shown others to NEVER GIVE UP.

Her note went as follows:

Sunny,

I had to do a project for school and I came across this poem and thought of you :)

Never Give Up
by Mark Howard

...I'll never give up fighting till the end
If I fall along the way I'll get up and try again
But never shall I accept the fact of defeat
I've set goals in life and those I must meet
But never will I let negativity hold me down
Those who think positive I keep them around
Never shall I dwell on things in the past
Bad times come but never do they last
I shall never give in to those who are weaker than I
If I give up now why not lay down and die
Never Give Up

Thank you Chelsea for the reminder that others are watching. I really needed that boost the other day.

Sunny

Enjoy your journey!!!

2011-01-27T08:05:00.000-08:00

So many times we are in such a hurry to reach the goal we set for ourselves. For some it may be to run a marathon with great time, building a business, loosing weight, or for me finding a treatment that works. We climb the mountain and keep our eye on top the whole way up. We are told that we should not look at the past or think about the obstacles that tried to get in our way as we reach the top of the mountain. Just keep climbing and keep our eye on the prize we hear every step we take. Write down you goals and look at them everyday. I remember hearing my father say over and over again, "know what you want and then figure out how to get it". Besides telling the boys everyday before leaving the house, "make good choices" I also yell out to them, "do you best and then do one more". They mock it and laugh but I know that hear it. However, sometimes I think we need to turn around and see how far we have climbed. See what we got through and how strong we are because of it.

We also need to enjoy the journey on the way up. Love the people who inspired us and thank those who never gave up on us. We need to thank God for the strength to get us thus far. A good pat on the back or a "that boy or girl" cheer will keep us encouraged. This refreshes you and gives you that extra boost to finish the climb. Don't wait until you get to the top to see what you overcome. Enjoy the obstacles as you jump over them. I am not saying to keep looking back in a negative mind set. After all, you can not climb uphill with downhill thoughts. But every once in awhile we need to rejoice in our small accomplishments. Mostly we must remember who is carrying us through the real tough times.

Thank you my friend for reminding me this yesterday.

Enjoy your journey,
Sunny

Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple

2011-01-20T07:18:00.000-08:00

I have been reading several articles and blog posts about the diagnosis of Steve Jobs with neuroendrocine cancer, or carcinoid cancer. Out of those articles the one I found most informative is listed to the right of the page. My heart goes out to anyone who has this diagnosis. I have learned that with all the money and notoriety in the world cancer can strike. That is why I truly believe money, popularity, fame, good fortune and brains are great but in our lowest time we need one thing....FAITH. That my friends is FREE.

Sunny

Sweet Child of Mine!!!

2011-01-15T06:01:00.000-08:00

There are three days in a year that mean more to me and my journey then any other. They are the days that I fight to be here for and never want to miss. They are prizes that my eye stays on when things seem so hard. These dates are written in Sharpie Marker in the inside of my Bible that I open whenever I think I can't stand one more treatment or one more ounce of pain. September 19th, December 15th, and January 14th are the reasons why I do whatever I need to do, no matter what crazy treatment it is, to stay alive. They are my sons' Birthdays and each year it is a milestone to my journey. This year I turned 40 and although Mark made a big deal about it to me it meant nothing. But being here for my boys' birthday means everything to me. Every year I say, "if I can make it one more they will be old enough to handle things on there own." Then days like today come and I think one more is not enough.

Today is my sweet, happy-go-lucky, youngest son Nolan's Birthday. Nolan is our "Sweet Child". He is the surprise that ended up being the gift God knew we need. He brings balance to this high energy, type A personality and intense home. I know I have posted before about this one but he is so easy to write about because he brings such joy to our family. He manages to calm a whole family down when things get a little stressful with his quick wit and adorable grin. His kindness and ability to walk away from a difficult situation making a difference is what really stands out. His love for music is infectious to the whole house. He started playing guitar at age 8, only because he beg us for a year for lessons, which encourage his other brothers to take up drums and bass. Although Austen, being the oldest, thinks he runs the jamm sessions, Nolan has this unique way of being the leader without the leader personalities knowing.

There is nothing better then seeing your child's face on the morning of their Birthday. This morning was no exception. His brothers were already out the door on their way to school when he came bopping down our stairs sing, "Sweet Child of Mine", by Guns and Roses, his newest guitar song. Every year since the boys started school I've made it a tradition to take them to breakfast before school on their special day. Well as stated in yesterdays post I have been struggling with some horrible bone pain which is unbearable at night and in the mornings. So this morning I was hoping Nolan forgot or being 12 now may think he is too old. I had about two to three hours of on again and off again sleep and spent the last hour sick to my stomach. Honestly today I was in no shape to be taking anyone anywhere. But once I saw his excitement I could not say NO. So I put a baseball cap on, traded my slippers for boots, and put on my long wool coat on so no one would notice I still had my PJ's on. Yes my Plum Mums I wore my PJ's to the Oakmont bakery.

I dropped him off at school, 45 minutes early I have to add because he had a student government meeting, with 4 dozen donuts for his class. I sat for a minute in the parking lot watching him talk to every person as he walked to the door with his hands full of treats. I jumped out the car to run and grab the door for him. As I open the door he smiles at me and says, "Mom you look great! You walked from the car and did not limp once. You're getting better. Thanks for breakfast." Once again he left me speechless. He left me with strength and hope. I did not look great. In fact I did not want to get out of the car for fear of seeing another mom I knew dress to the nines and me looking like I had cancer. But when I saw him struggle to open the door I did not think twice about the way I looked, the pain I was in or the funny limp I have from the surgery. I just wanted to help. However I did not realizes that God gave me Nolan to help me.

God knew that we needed him to give our family strength. He knew that when he put four overachieving, high energy people in one family he needed to add an ounce of joy that will make a difference in our house everyday. He knew that when Logan and Austen are fighting over who knows more in Science or which one got high score on some stupid video game we needed Nolan to calm the storm. He knew that when I was to get sick I needed someone to slip notes under my door or come in with warmed up heating pads for my back. He knew that when tears are falling because of fear and pain we needed someone to wipe them away with a funny comment or just a smile. So on his birthday he may be open presents but the real present was giving to me on January 14, 1999. He is one of my three lifesavers.

Sunny

P.S.

I am looking for some information. Please read yesterdays post as well.

Decisions

2011-01-13T06:45:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone!!!! All is going okay here in this snow storm. My femur and hip is recovering great. I am walking without crutches most of the time. However the rest of me is falling apart. My bone mets are flaring up and the pain in my spine, chest, shoulders and arms are becoming unbearable. The pain is terrible but the inability to hug my four boys is really driving me crazy. Just a few minutes ago my fourteen year old was leaving for school and he gave me a gentle hug (as we call them since the tumors spread to the bones) I thought I was going to crumble. It seems like when I get rid of one thing another pops up. I don't know if its just that I notice things more because the more intense pain is gone? I am thinking though maybe its when you take out one carcinoid tumor it stimulates the others? I think I read that somewhere. If anyone can enlighten me on that please email me below.

I need to reach out to my carcinoid posse or anyone else that has the knowledge of treatments. We are at a crossroads with my treatments or decisions of treatments. The bright side, there is always a bright side, there are some options. I am just not sure which road is best for me. So I would like to use today's blog to post some questions to my carcinoid cancer patients and doctors who read my blog. Please email below if you have any answers.

1. Has anyone tried the Induim 111 that Dr. Delpassand is offering in Houston, TX? If so what were your results? Also, what is the cost? Does anyone know who it works on liver and bone mets that have uptake? I have been in contact with Christianna several dozen times and I seem to get different answers every time. I heard its for early stages but then Dr. Dlepassand told me it would be okay for me even though I am advanced. I am schedule to start the year long treatment in Feb.

2. Has anyone tried the LU77 that Dr. Delpassand is offering in Houston, TX? I hard that this would be a positive option for me because it works really well on large tumors but the cost is outrages. They are waiting for FDA approval any day on this treatment but any day could be tomorrow or 5 years from now. Does anyone know anything about the results of this treatment?

3. I have been on Afinator but because its not covered under my insurance we are struggling to pay for the $5000 a month price tag.So before my surgery I went off of it. I am not sure if that is why the tumors are flaring up either? I have my doctor writing letters and fighting the insurance company but he tells me he's been through this before with other patients and its not been successful. I had a friend reach out to me about how to fight it but I have tried all his suggestions and nothing. Afinator was working for me. So this is very frustrating. Does anyone know where there is a study or clinical trail going on so I can participate in it? My oncologist will send me anywhere to get the drug.

These are just a few options. Several others on the back burner but these are the three we are entertaining now. Please if anyone has any information on the above please email me below.

I know the true answer will come in pray. Last night Mark and I were praying about all this and relief of the pain. In the middle of the night I got up to take my steamy shower to help with the pain and it came to me to reach out in my blog. I try really hard to keep this an upbeat positive and God written blog. So please take this as a positive out pour.

Well off to get the new bone treatment that is replacing ZOMETA. Sounds promising for bone lost!!!!

Stay warm my friends,
Sunny

2011

2010-12-31T12:32:00.000-08:00

Upate

2010-12-15T07:35:00.000-08:00

The surgery was a great success as of now. I was home a few days, much earlier then expected. As I explained in an earlier post the tumors have eaten away the bones in my right femur and hip. The surgery was an attempt to clean out some of the cancer as well as strengthen the weak bones. I had a titan rod inserted into my femur and some kind of bolt thing in my hip. I would go into more detail but it is very painful and difficult to sit at the computer.

Today's post I want to dedicate to my son Logan. When the surgery was scheduled my goal was to be home from the hospital for his birthday today. I feel so blessed that I am here and got to wrap my arms around him. We had a little mini celebration for Logan last night because his present was Penguin game tickets for him and Mark for tonight. As I wrapped a few some gifts from his brothers and ordered his favorite Oakmont Bakery Cake for Mark to pickup yesterday I thought about how truly blessed I am to have him and his brothers to motivate me everyday to fight this monster. I woke Logan up this morning with my usual, "wake up, wake up, it's your B-day......." song that they use to love when they were little but totally annoy them now. Got some help downstairs to be there for breakfast that my mom was making and despite the pain I felt like it was my B-day.

Its days like these that keep me going. Its the memory of the day I held him for the first time. The hopes and dreams that I had for me as a mother. If I look back at the past 13 years I never imagine they would be so rough for us but I did imagine that I would be here to celebrate his day on Dec. 15, 2010. I also knew that the baby I held 13 years ago for the first time would be as fantastic as he is today. So maybe my "Normal Rockwell" moment on December 15, 1997 did not lead to the exact "Normal Rockwell" moment today that I dreamed, it could not be any better. He left this morning with a smile on his face right next to his big brother excited about the rest of his life. What more can I of wish for 13 years ago?

Happy Birthday my deep thinking, kind hearted, athletic, musical talented, smart and handsome teenager. I am so glad I am here to see this day.

Sunny

Surgery

2010-12-09T14:12:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is a big surgery day for me. The cancer in my right leg and hip has eaten away at the femur and hip bone so the surgery will make those bones stronger and hopefully relieve the intense pain I am always in. It will also keep those bone, which are very brittle, from cracking. I was told a year ago that this surgery was necessary then by the grace of God the bone started to look a bit stronger. However, that progress did not last and the pain has gotten so much worse and there is no time to wait.

I have to share a little story with you which I am hoping by posting this story I will get some peace about tomorrow. You know how you wish you God would sometimes just smack you right on the head to tell you exactly which way to go? The question that I am sure many of you ask, "what is God's will?" is simple to ask but the answers don't always seem to be simple to find. Well, last week I went to my regular Oncologist to get a check before the surgery. I had noticed a few days before that the pain in my hip and leg was much better. In fact there was a few times that I could take two steps at a time and sit like an Indian with no pain. So of course I insist that my doc give me another scan or x-ray just to make sure that the bones had not improved before I go through this surgery. As much as I love Dr. Friedland I have to say sometimes I have to give a little kick in the butt. After much convincing from me he did a quick x-ray. Later he come into the room were I waited and showed me that it actually has gotten worse. So I left a little heartbroken, stop in the bathroom to shed a few tears, and went home.

However, that evening I still felt uneasy about the whole surgery. At times I can be so stubborn when I think I am right. I could not sleep and kept thinking of way to to get out of this surgery. I then closed my eyes and just prayed. I prayed with such passion that God show me a sign, a sign I would noticed, that I am make the right decision about this surgery. I finally fell asleep only to wake up a few hours latter to horrific pain in my leg in hip. The pain was beyond anything I had every had. It was breathing taking. I screamed and Mark jumped out of bed next to me to try to help. Nothing he did and nothing I took helped. For the first time in my life I got God's sign as clear as I needed.

I am not sure why I was doubting this surgery. I hate to think it was fear. Whatever, it is I surely should of seen what He was telling me all along. The othro oncologist is amazing. Several of my friends have heard of him and rave about him. He even saved the leg of my good friend's daughter when she was suffering from a rare cancer. Once again the out pour of help with the kids I am offered is amazing. My family all pitch in to arrange schedule of when they will be staying with me. The Christmas shopping is done, the house is clean and the decorations are beautiful. Mark is at complete peace. And the pain is still there. The phone calls from friends and family today has been super uplifting. Not to mention my full email box of prays and the facebook wishes are bringing tears to my eyes. Everything has been going so smoothly.

So there is no reason for me to have anxiety or fear. Fear of the unknown or what is come is a waste of time. I know that God has me at his side. Please pray for me in the next couple of weeks.

“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”

Love,

Rest

2010-12-02T06:15:00.000-08:00

So much has gone on in the last two weeks and I am sorry for not updating my blog. We went to my favorite simple spot for Thanksgiving, Vero Beach, FL. As many of you know my parents purchased a home their when my father retired. Unfortunately, he passed away a few years later and did not get to see much of his children enjoying it the way he intended it to be. However, over the years that is exactly what we have done. It is a place that you run to when you need to escape from your everyday crazy life. A place that many of us go to when we need to sort things out or make huge decisions. It has been used for refuge, getting over a lost and wrapping your mind around a tough time. When you are there you get this complete cleansing and sense of peace. The town of Vero Beach is simple and basic. No big city with skyscrapers and a night life. Just simple fokes with simple needs.

Since I've been sick it has been were Mark, the boys and I go to escape my cancer life. Only my family and a few of my mom's neighbors know that I am sick. The boys get to be together without any distractions, by the end of the week they have had enough of each other though. But it has also been a measure of how my cancer has progressed. I try not to compare each trip but its almost impossible to do. I have noticed that over the past two years my health and ability to do things has declined. At home I don't notice as much because we just go on and I do everything I can. In Vero I look back on the trips before and what we have also done before. The last few trips have been an eye opener to say the least. I always went to see the sunrise alone and in the beginning I would take a quick run on the beach after the sun comes up. This trip and the trip before I actually waited for someone to step up and volunteer to go with me. I pretended that I did not need them but was relieved when they came. Running the beach was out of the question. In fact I tried to walk the beach one day and quickly realized that was not going to happen, AT THAT TIME. I spent more time in bed and was unable to eat much because I had an infection in my mouth. I did not swim in the pool and as you all know was to tired to even blog. The 19 hour drive was rough both to and home. However the whole time I was there I felt so blessed to be there.

The boys and mostly Mark tried hard to push me. I got angry at them one day and overheard Mark say to my mom that I am not being myself. Although they did not understand, I knew that I needed to rest so when the time came for me to really participate in something I could with my full heart. I probably could have done more and actually regret not reaching deep down and trying hard. But what I realized after I got home was I needed that rest. I needed that peace and I needed to be there for me. I don't think through this whole battle I have ever did anything JUST for me. Every treatment, every doctor appointment,every hour of research and every crazy "cancer trip" for that very important treatment has been for either my boys, my husband, my family or other carcinoid cancer patients. I am not trying to be self centered but I think God was saying to me, "rest". I have surgery coming up on December 10 and believe He was telling me to rest up to begin a new fight.

As I am writing this post I just heard on the television an interview with a terminal cancer patient. One thing she said, which I have always tried to say but it never sounded so simple, "When you are told you are dying you begin to live". To take it further, each day is a blessing and a gift. If it is spent with you children at the beach building cities or resting on the couch consider it a gift. I am not going to regret my lack of energy this vacation. I am going to make the best of what it was, a time for me. I have a few days before I go into the hospital and I will wrap that time up with the boys. Please keep me and my attitude in your prayers.

Sunny

Thank you

2010-11-19T04:44:00.000-08:00

Thank You, God, for little things that often come our way –

The things we take for granted

But don’t mention when we pray –

The unexpected courtesy, the thoughtful, kindly deed –

A hand reached out to help us in the time of sudden need –

Oh make us more aware, dear God, of little daily graces that come to us with “sweet surprise” from never dreamed of places.

Helen Steiner Rice

I wanted to share this poem to all those who have reached out and touched my life. A friend of mine sent me this poem and I had this need to share it with everyone. I am feeling so thankful today and needed to let everyone who has been part of my journey in some way or another know that I truly appreciate everything. I could not of expressed how blessed I feel any better. Of course I am no Helen Steiner Rice.

Just wanted to share,

Sunny

Ashamed

2010-11-16T17:47:00.000-08:00

I spent the day today fighting with my insurance company because they refuse to cover a chemotherapy medicine because it is not FDA approved for carcinoid cancer. However, there has been several hundred proven cases that this medicine has been very successful in shrinking carcinoid tumors in patient..... me included. I would go into the specifics about the med and the reasons HighMark gave me for not covering it but that is not the purpose of my post tonight. After battling for hours and being on hold for even more time then that, I became very frustrated and extremely miserable to everyone that crossed my path. As I was cleaning the kitchen mess from tonight's dinner all three boys came into the kitchen one at time asking me if I could help them study for a few tests that each one of them have tomorrow. I of course said yes but really deep down dread sitting down all night studying Civics, Earth Science, Algebra, Advanced English, Social Studies and whatever else with three boys that know more then I do on these subjects. I started quietly complaining to Mark that my day was terrible and my night seems to be going on the same path. I could feel the "Nasty Sunny" just climbing inside of me ready to burst out on someone. I needed to "get my needs met" as Mark calls it but the only ones that deserve a "Sunny Smackdown" were the insurance "who knows" that declined my medicine. Truthfully I don't know where to find those people.

Mark turned the stereo on in the house and turned it to this contemporary Christian station that I sometimes listen to when I am getting everyone out the door in the morning. I think he thought I needed a little God in me. It's not the station of choose for my "rock n roll" boys but it has an hour of inspirational stories on in the mornings that I like the boys to hear as they moan about getting up and going to school. As I was slamming the dishes in the dishwasher for the third time today a woman called into the station asking for prayer. The woman's neighbor had just lost her 15 year old son. He was playing football and got hit in the chest during a tackle. My heart just sank for her. I literally stood there motionless for a minute or two. I don't know this woman or even what State she lives in but I felt this horrible heart ache come over me for her. I almost wished I did know her so I could reach out and someway comfort her. But truly nothing anyone can do will comfort her right now. Having three teenage boys myself I could not imagine her pain. Mark came into the kitchen and asked me if I heard the story on the radio. By the look on my face he knew I heard it.

I feel so self-centered and self-absorbed. I am so consumed sometimes with my own battle for life that I don't realize that so many others are hurting too. Sure I pray for people every night. I have a list in my Bible by my bed of everyone that needs pray. I pray for everyone on that list but I then go on about my problems. I know that we all do this so.... it's not just me. I am just admitting it right now. However, I can not help to think right now does it matter to this woman that just lost her son, that the kitchen is a mess again for the third time in one day? What she would do to study just one more time with her son? So I spent the day fighting with my insurance company and losing the fight. I had the day to do that. Yes it may cost me more money or add to my bills but I have my life and most of all my sons. I have never really thought of my self as selfish but maybe that's because selfish people don't really see themselves that way. All I know is that I feel like hanging my head in shame. I have no right to complain. I may be fighting this battle of cancer but I have been so very blessed through the entire journey.

I never listen to the radio at that time of the day. Usually when I am cleaning the kitchen..... wait I don't always clean the kitchen after dinner, the boys do that. I don't want to say that it was a "shape up Sunny" sign from God but at that time it sure was what I needed. There is always someone in this world that has things rougher then the next. I am ashamed of my nastiness, but mostly of thinking that my problems are more important or more urgent then anyone else's problems. I was complaining and whining about meds not covered, time wasted all day, studying with the best boys ever, cleaning a kitchen and who knows what else while there is a woman that is out there somewhere planning a funeral for her 15 year old son. Ashamed I am.

I think Mark thought he knew what I was thinking by the expression on my face. He looked at me and said, "we are so lucky that our boys are with us right now". That is not what I was thinking, however. I was thinking, "I need the 'Sunny Smackdown' and I need to bow and thank God for this day. No matter what happen".

Sunny

I gave it up

2010-11-10T09:46:00.000-08:00

As many of you know Monday I had a CT scan of the liver to determine if the torture, chemo-embolization, I went through in August actually did something to the tumors in the liver. Yesterday was my appointment with Dr. Tsung, who replaced Dr. Gamblim, where we look at the scans and talk about the next steps. On Sunday night I really made up my mind that I would not let these next two days get the best of me. I prayed about them and then truly put it in His hands. You see I have never heard words from any of these doctors that there is positive and noticeable shrinkage in any of the tumors. More times then I want to remember I have heard that the cancer is growing quicker then they would like or that new tumors are popping up everywhere. I have gotten the sad eyes with the hand on my shoulder and the doctor standing above me, because for some reason they think that standing above me when they are telling this bad news makes it real. Not sure. One time a few months after my second trip to Switzerland a doctor told me that he thinks he may see a little shrinkage but not enough to tell. I am not sure if he was just saying that because he wanted me to feel okay about putting all the money we had plus a second mortgage on the line to receive these treatments or if he thought there was some shrinkage. Whatever the case it started growing shortly after that appointment. I have also heard that the tumors have remained stable, only to hear a few months later they have been growing again. However, I have always kept hope that all these treatments and crazy drugs I am taking will do something. Every appointment I go in ready to see smiles on the doctors faces when they enter the room instead of the usual practiced somber look.

Yesterday, was that day. Dr. Tsung came into my room with his usual entourage of nonspeaking med students beaming from ear to ear. He hopped in his seat and began asking me details about how I am feeling. I started telling him all my complaints, which frustrates the hell out of me because I have already went over it with three other white coat people, and he looked like he was going to burst and was really not listen to me. So I finally said something like: lets just get to the results first and then I'll start complaining. So he let it out like it was the first time he ever got to tell someone this, "It shrunk. The big one that I was worried about shrunk. It's almost half the size." He is young for a specialist and my verdict is still out on him. However I found his excitement quite cute and humbling. I was in shock, even though I had hoped. I guess I just thought I would not hear it this way.

He continued on, in a much more professional and stellar manner, about how its only one that shrunk out of several several other very major tumors in my body so I cannot get my guard down or even take a break on the treatment. I had to stop him because trust me I am never quitting and said, "let's just enjoy this moment doc." He laughed and in his accent shook his head and said, "YA YA WE ENJOY".

We talked about my surgery in Dec. and my Jan. Houston treatment trip. He gave me the lecture about this does not mean you are out of the woods. But I think he said, "OOODS". But truly it all went over my head. I stood up and grabbed his shoulder this time and said, "listen something is working, even if its just a little. Lets just enjoy that and not worry." I looked over a Mark who had tears rolling down his face. His tears I have seen so many times lately but this time they were tears of relief and happiness. Doc noticed too and said his good byes to leave us alone. Not much said at that moment except a quit, "it was all worth it."

This morning I had to take Nolan to the doctors. On the ride to the office he starting talking about the results of yesterday. He then said to me, "mom does this mean you are better?" . I told him no but it means that my fight is working and it just proves that nothing is impossible. He then asked me if the other day when were all in the car did I listen to the words of that song that was on the radio about imagining seeing God? I told him that I loved that song. He then said, "I've been thinking about that song for a couple of days and thought that would be like you when you see God. Mom, you would be in awe and not be afraid". Yes that is exactly how he said. Of course I was speechless and he broke the silence with, "but it wont be for a while now". He continued the conversation by asking if I remember when he and I were watching the sunrise and I told him that I was not afraid to die. I do remember that and I blogged about it. He then softly added, "Mom that is why God answered my prayers on Sunday night. He still needs you here for us. He does not want you to want to go to heaven too soon.". All I could do is shake my head yes and turn the radio up. Thankfully we were listening rock.

Truly the past four days, including today, shows the rollercoaster

Thank you for your prayers.

Sunny

By the way the Song he was talking about is "I Can Only Imagine", by MercyMe

I remember when

2010-11-07T16:39:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is liver scan day and we will know if the chemo-embolization that I went through a few months ago attacked the tumors in the liver. I am a few weeks behind on this scan because I was having insurance issues again and really did not need to add to my mountain of medical bills on my dinning room table. It took me a few weeks to fight that blah blah blah of an insurance company but finally they agreed to pay. It's great to have such wonderful doctors because as soon as I called them on Friday to tell them I won the insurance battle I was slid in for my scan first thing Monday morning. Getting an appointment for a CT scan so quickly is kinda unheard of now a days so I am truly lucky. Mark has a client meeting, that I refused to let him cancel, so I am going alone.

As I plan for my day tomorrow I thought about how a year and a half ago going to a scan by myself was impossible for me. Never did I imagine I would ever be in a place that I was relaxed enough to take that on. Although, according to a few doctors they would of bet I would not be here today to attempt it. A year ago I would start thinking about the scan two days before and then obsess over the results. I would beg and beg God for good results or even just keep things the way they were. Asking Him over and over again not to give me anymore because I was not sure I could handle it. Then when I would get some not so positive news I would obsesses over what to do about it. Today I went to the calendar to see what tomorrow would bring and there it was, written in pink highlighter because a pen was nowhere to be found when the doc called, the word SCAN 10 AM. I had completely forgotten about it and not once this whole weekend did I think of the "what if's".

I remember when everything was riding on the results of the scans. It was if life stopped or took a pause from the time the scan was scheduled to the time I sat in the little room a few days later waiting to see the expression on the doctor's face. It's not like that anymore. Some might say its because I have been fighting for so long that I am use to it. I have to disagree with that because you never get "Used To" living with cancer. Others would say it's because I block it out. I am not sure if I block it out or just don't let IT, the cancer, take over my life. I over heard someone who knows me well, or at least thinks they know me well, at the Miles for Smiles 5k that I am finally accepting my cancer. Well I know that is not the case because I will never accept this monster or become content with it living inside of me. I know that whatever the results maybe I can handle it. I may not be happy and even may shed a tear or two but because of the support I have I can deal with whatever it is the doctor tells me.

Tuesday I have an appointment with my liver oncologist and the only thing I am worried about is making it home in time to get dinner on the table for the boys. We have a hectic evening of sports and homework planned. The thought of worrying about the "what if" it's growing still is the last thing on my mind. I refuse to give cancer that much credit. I am POSITIVE it's because I have faith that whatever it may be God will be with us. Please keep me in prayers that I continue to have peace in whatever is to come.

Sunny

Decisions

2010-10-27T09:32:00.000-07:00

I have always taken pride in the fact that I am not indecisive. Small choices or dilemma's I have no problem solving. I can pick out a wall color or an outfit and on I go. I don't deliberate on little things..... waste of time. When making a big decision especially a life changing decision, I pray and trust that God will lead me in the right direction. I then lay out the pros and cons and make the decision. I may sleep on it for a day or two but once I make up my mind I try to stick to it. I don't think of what would of happened if I chose the other road nor do I regret the road I took. I hate to over analyze it or obsess over it. Even with my treatment choices I can be a bit impulsive or quick. At times it drives Mark crazy because he is more of a thinker on the big things and I am more of a, "lets get it done and move on". But this last week its been difficult to move on because I had to wait for more test results before I could make a decision. Yesterday after my appointment with my main oncologist I finally laid out my treatment plan. I felt a bit disappointed and fearful yet relieved that I don't need to think or even obsess over it anymore.

Dr Freidland agreed with my orthro oncologist that my bones in my right hip and right femur need replaced or fixed (not sure what the right terminology may be). The cancer in the hip and femur is just eating away at the bones. Although I was hoping to start the experimental treatment in Houston, TX right away I need to put it on hold for a few months and have surgery. It is truly not what I wanted to do but I made the decision and its time to move on. I prayed so hard that God would lead me to the right treatment yet deep down I really thought I was not going to have the surgery. Although that is what I was hoping for, once my doctor said it needs to be done soon I sucked it up and I am now preparing for the long recovery. I have scheduled to be in Houston at the end of January.

After my appointment and a treatment, Mark and I went to lunch. The best thing about appointment and treatment days is that Mark and I are forced to spend time together. At lunch I told Mark that I was hoping that Dr. Freidland would tell me that the surgery could wait and to get on a plane to Houston. Then I went on to say I was hoping that my bones where not that bad and the pain was in my head. I then whispered, because I guess I felt if I said it out loud it would mean I was defeated, "this fucking cancer and all the crap I am doing to get rid of it is hopeless". He gave me that look he gives me when I do something off the wall or crazy and shook his head in disbelief that I even thought that. Or maybe he was surprised that I thought I was not really in pain. Whatever he was thinking I could tell he was disappointed in me. At that time it hit me that maybe this is my hope. Maybe this surgery is what I have been hoping for and just did not realizes it.

Charles L. Allen said, "When you say a situation is hopeless, you are slamming the door on God". I had just read that quote the night before. For a brief moment that is exactly what I was doing.......slamming the door closed. But like He does so often, especially when you have a relationship with Him, he turns you back in. God puts those with faith on a small leash. He lets it out once in awhile but pulls it back in when you start to wonder away. Evidently he lengthens that leash and lets you go further away and He then has to yank it harder and harder to get you back. But what I know from my own life is that he never lets that leash go. At times you may feel that you are lost but if you put your hand on the leash and slowly follow it back you will find God at the end.

I don't want to have the surgery. I am surely not going to pretend that I am not scared or not angry. What I am feeling though is grateful that I have faith. Faith that God made this decision and faith that he is here with me through the battle. That faith truly gives me the hope that I need to fight this cancer. I don't want to lose that hope again because with out it I have nothing.

Sunny

2010-10-18T12:54:00.000-07:00

So its been forever since my last post. There is a list of excuses I could give as to why I've been slacking on my posts and updates, but truthfully I think I have just been avoiding the whole cancer subject; just going through the motions of treatments but not giving it any attention. Not to mention the point of limbo I am in not knowing what road to take with my treatment options. It truly at times can be so overwhelming that I just need to shut down for a few weeks and try to live like a normal non cancer life. However, I have learned that it does not go away and eventually I need to suck it up and start fighting again.

Reality hit me today when I went to my orthopedic oncologist appointment. As I was sitting in the little room they shove you in to make you think that your wait for the doctor is almost over, my mind started to wonder. I could not believe what I have been through in the past 2 1/2 years....I guess, am going through. I thought about the day I was told about this monster inside of me and the day I told my boys. Then my mind started going through all my treatments, my trips to Switzerland, my trips all over the US to specialist, and the whole battle in general. I started thinking about my last scan results and I predicting what this doctor was going to tell me. I did not have Mark with me today to distract me and the magazines were from 2008 so I did what I try so hard not to do and let my mind get the best of me.

Dr. McGough, Pittsburgh's finest orthopedic oncologist in my opinion, came into the room and instantly jumped right into the last bone scan results. I had already been told a few weeks ago from my overall oncologist that there has been a significant amount of growth in the bones especially in the femurs and hips where most of my bone pain is. So the news that he was telling me was no surprise. He then suggested surgery on the right hip and femur then eventually the left side. Again not new news, in fact it was something I've known in the back of my mind would have to be done sooner then I'd hope. We discussed timing and compared the timing to my treatments in Houston, Texas. Then out of nowhere my tears start flowing. He and the other two doctors that were in the room with us kept a straight and emotionless face. I could tell that they have seen this reaction hundreds if not thousands of times. One doc handed me a tissue and they went on with the exam. I was glad they did not try to console me or pity me but instead get on with the next step.

When I got in the car I took a deep breath or let out the breath I was holding....not sure which. I realized then that the way those doctors handled my tears is the way I need to handle my fight. I need to get on with the battle and not dwell on the bad news. I need to fix the problems and not avoid them. That is why I posted today. I needed to get it out of my mind and on to this screen so that I can get over it and start fighting again. I need to start focusing on fixing this cancer, start praying harder, and stop obsessing of the unknown. What I really NEED TO DO is BELIEVE in myself and my FAITH in GOD.

I have a call into my oncologist and will keep my blog updated on my treatments as soon as some decisions are made.

Sunny

Tomorrow

2010-10-09T05:40:00.000-07:00

I am so excited about the third Annual Sunny Carney Carcinoid Cancer Wiffleball tournament tomorrow. Cancer can take away a lot of happiness in your life.....IF YOU LET IT. Raising awareness events can be depressing and sometimes just a reminder of what this cancer can destroy in you. I refuse to participate in those events because quite frankly, I am just not strong enough to give this cancer any credit. So when my husband and family were brainstorming on how to do our part for carcinoid cancer we wanted to come up with something that everyone enjoys to play and you don't have to be a pro to participate. The simple back yard game of Wiffleball was a fun suggestion that popped up and it all went from there.

It is truly an amazing day. A huge turnout of people all in one place having a blast with their family and friends. It has not only brought my family together but it has merge several communities in the Pittsburgh area. This year we have people coming from New York, New England, Florida and North Carolina to participate. With grills smoking, children bouncing from inflatable house to inflatable slide, bats swinging, beer pumping, music blasting, and most important faces smiling makes it a positive way to raise awareness of the invading monster called carcinoid cancer. It also has help me with my enormous medical cost and has helped a few other families fighting this cancer with their cost.

By the end of the day I will be dead tired and sore from all the hugs. But I will have that feeling that I get so often when I am fighting this cancer. Not the feeling of defeat or breakdown. But the feeling of love, support and mostly HOPE.

Please come out and feel that feeling too. See all the information above.

Sunny

10/10/10

2010-10-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

The Third Annual Wiffle Ball tournament for Carcinoid Cancer is this Sunday. It's an amazing event that is all about fun, food, community and family. It's a fun back yard game that turned into an event with over 500 people. Come to play or just come to enjoy the picnic. Some amazing Chinese auction items.

September 19, 1996

2010-09-19T17:17:00.000-07:00

Fourteen years ago today I experienced one of God's most amazing miracles, the birth of my oldest son. I was told two years earlier that because of ovarian cancer, which later we find was actually carcinoid cancer, having children was completely out of the picture. I accepted that and went on with my life. Every year since his birth on this day the very first thing I think of is the day I found out I was pregnant with Austen. I think it was the very first time that I truly believed that anything is possible. As I left my doctors office with the news I remember just sitting in my car, closing my eyes and thanking God for the chance to be a mother. At that time I promised Him that I would give all I have into raising the gift he gave me in his faith. I was raised with a strong faith and knew all about God. I prayed and went to church every Sunday. Went 12 years of catholic school and truly believed in God and all the rest I was taught. But never before that day did I realizes how powerful HE really is.

The whole pregnancy I was in disbelief. I don't think I really knew or wanted to imagine how wonderful my life would change when he was born. I did everything the doc told me and more to stay healthy while I was carrying him. However, I don't think I believed it was actually happening until I held him for the first time on September 19, 1996 at 7:58 P.M.. Mark was jumping up and down because it was a boy, my dad was thrilled that he had another grandson to add to his sports addicted family and I was just so in love with this perfect huge baby. Insistently I knew that this baby was my miracle from God. He looked up at me with those big blue eyes as if to say, "I'm safe right here.". I see that look every once and a while now and it brings me right back to that day. It was truly one of those perfect Hallmark moments.

Since that day fourteen years ago my life has had many peaks and valley. I have gone through more in those fourteen years then some will ever go through in a lifetime. But one thing that remains constant is my will to be the best mother to all three of the miracles God has given me. Some might say that my boys have been given a raw deal in life because they have a mom that has an incurable cancer. But I believe that they are truly blessed that they have a mom that is so thankful for them that she realizes how blessed she is. Sure their time with me may one day be cut short but I am determined to make everyday count to them when I am here.

When I hugged Austen this morning I did not want to let go. Of course he hugged me back quickly and went on to the box of special birthday donuts I surprise him with every year. The only surprise he would have is if I did not sneak to Oakmont Bakery at 6 am on his birthday. I mentioned to him that the day he was born was one of the three happiest days of my life. He smiled and then said, "it was the first of the three happiest day of your life". I made a big fuss over how special this day is for him and all of us. Then I kissed him on the head (he was sitting down because he is several inches taller then me) and I started to walk out of the kitchen to let him eat in peace. As I was walking by him he gave me that same look he gave me the first day of his life but added a big smile to it. His smile reaches from ear to ear. I knew then that he felt safe and happy no matter what cancer brings us. Today was his birthday and that was all that matter.

Yes September 19th is Austen's very own special day, but it is my very own special day too. It is the day that I opened my eyes to God's abilities. It is the day that changed my life forever.

Sunny

Thunderstorm/Problems

2010-09-08T05:56:00.000-07:00

"Don't tell God how big your problem is, tell your problem how big your GOD is."

Last night in Pittsburgh God gave us a laser show in the sky. Along with that show came a loud concert of thunder and a cool down of rain. I love thunderstorms especially at night when you are snug in bed and the blankets are wrapped around you like a big hug. I have this huge desire to open all the windows and just let the rain and wind come pouring in. Mark would never approve of that though. He would be yapping about the hardwood floors getting destroyed and the bugs coming in. But one time I am just going to do it. I am just going to let it all in and feel that cool breeze and strong wind. It'll drive him crazy and probably piss him off but I am going to do it. Why do we always run out of the rain or slam the windows shut so quickly? What are we afraid of? Some water or getting wet? I never understand why we must rush out of an actual storm instead of just awing in its grander? Why don't we just let it be and enjoy it?

One at a time the boys came into the room to check on me and see if I had a flashlight for them. Mark was out and he is the one that knows were the flashlights are so I told them to just hang out until Dad got home. They sat at the end of my bed and started wrestling around (yes in the dark) and chatting. After they calmed down, Nolan began to talk about how cool it is when the lightening lights up the entire room. The conversation started to turn towards how cool it is that God can make the whole sky light up. Okay, I turned the conversation. Austen and Logan started to get that teenage boredom and uncomfortableness with the turn of the wrestling to a long talk so they started to walk out of the room. That is when I just had to say to them, "you know sometimes we think that our problems are so big that it seems like nothing will fix them. Then we see this amazing night and we realize that God is bigger then any situation or problem we could possibly have". They gave me a quiet ya and off to bed they went. Leaving their little brother behind to listen to the rest of the lecture.

Nolan and I just sat there quietly giving a wow each time we saw a strike of lightening. I'm wondering if they got what I was saying or they just humored me when they answered me? Whatever the case may be, someday that comment may come in handy for them. I hope they remember last night and exactly when they heard it. I hope that they know that this is how I fought my battle....pure faith in HIM. I hope I planted the seed so if or when I am not around they can realize how amazing and powerful our God can be. I hope they learned from that one simple sentence that nothing is impossible with faith.

Another Good In Cancer: the ability to see God's power in a simple thunderstorm.

"Don't tell God how big your problem is, tell your problem how big your GOD is."

Sunny

Accomplishment

2010-08-31T07:16:00.000-07:00

First in this post I need to just YELL, THANK YOU!!! Thank you for all your prayers this week. Thank you for just being a phone call away when Mark or I needed you all. Thank you for all the help getting my boys prepared for school today. Thank you for the emails, messages and texts showing me your support and love.

Its been a rough week. The chemoembolization procedure to the liver went well with no complication. I only had a short stay in the hospital and the kids did great with my mom at home. She even told me they were good, that's huge. The pain was there but I got through it. The nausea and vomiting was normal. It was just as expected. But I did not handle it well. I was frustrated and impatient. Actually, I still am a little. I want to be well and back at things.

However that is not why I posted today. I am posting today because it is the first day of school again and I am here to see my boys go. BC (before cancer) I use to hate the first day of school. I loved having my boys home and had anxieties about sending them on a school bus packed with wild kids. Not this year or the year before. This year I cried tears of joy. JOY that I am here to see them make it through one more milestone. This last week, because of the embolization, I have been really sick and unable to get up with them. I have been in bed most of the week recovering and the smell of food has been enough to make me not want to get out of bed. So last night I prayed really hard that God will give me the strength to at least be able to see them walk out the door. Then I thought "that's not good enough", so I prayed for God to give me the strength to get them up and at least get some breakfast for them. Then it came to me that I always tell the boys that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE IF YOU HAVE FAITH IN GOD, so I prayed even louder that He give me strength to get up before them, wake them up with my traditional first day of school chant, make each one of them their favorite first day of school breakfast, take their photos at the same place I have for the past ten years, take them to the bus stop to photograph the neighborhood kids and wave goodbye. I was asking a lot considering how I was feeling yesterday, but He can part seas and move mountains why not help a mom get out of bed.

So this morning at 4:30 am I opened my eyes to intense pain and nausea like I have everyday this week. However, today I got my little butt out of bad, forced some yogurt and IB Prophen down my throat. I got a shower and waited by the alarm clock until it started blaring our favorite station to warn us its time for them to get up and the craziness to begin. I was able to do it all, even cook. I did it and did it well. The hugs were stronger this year, after all Austen is reaching six foot. The photos were more this year because the memories are more important. I even got in a few not caring how I looked. But what was really noticeably different is that my boys were confident, strong, and happy. I know it was because they saw me be me. So I had to keep the traditions going and shed some tears, but they were tears of pure JOY. The were tears of pride and accomplishment. Mostly though, they were tears of THANKS. Thanks to God for all my answered prays. Thanks to all my family who goes beyond lengths for me and my boys. Thanks for my friends and community who have been stepping in to help.

Today is going to be a great day, but I think I need a nap now.

Sunny

short but sweet.....well maybe not so sweet

2010-08-27T14:06:00.000-07:00

So I am home from the hospital and UGH is all I can say. The chemoembolizatioan went but we wont know if it worked for eight weeks. I wish I could say it was a walk in the park but I don't want anyone to think I am some superwoman. It sucks and I feel crappy. Sorry for the yucky thoughts. Please keep me in your prayers.

On the bright side I am better then the first one I had a year and half ago.

Sunny

Fear

2010-08-23T19:31:00.000-07:00

Today I was to have my chemoembolization of my live. Because of insurance issue we had to reschedule it for Tuesday to make sure everything is paid for and covered. So tomorrow I will go into the hospital for a day or two then home to recoup. I am told that I may loose my hair but I was told that before and I only some chunks came out. The last three of these were quiet a challenge to get through. So to give me peace to night I open up my Bible to Isaiah 41;10 "So do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed, for I am you God. I will strengthen you and help you: I will uphold you with my righteous right hand".

It is now Tuesday and I am waiting to be put under for my embolization but I had to blog. I was thinking about last nights verse and I thought we all harbor secret fears. I hide my cancer fear sees in the darkness in my heart and on days like today it comes out. Those fears terrify me and the questions start rolling in my heard. That is when I need to reach out to Him. Only God can banish you fears from your heart altogether,. The more you know the God who holds you the more you see that his power is greater than anything you will face. His strength has no limit; his love for us has not end. We need to know that deep down in our hearts that even if we are faced with the worse befalls ever God is on our side. He is enough.

Got to run its time for me to go under.

Sunny

Take a Swing Against Caner

2010-08-22T04:30:00.000-07:00

10/10/10. Back by popular demand is the 3rd Annual Wiffle Ball Tournament. This is a fun event that has raised tremendous awareness to Carcinoid Cancer. It has also help with some of the cost for several of treatments including my treatments and trips to Switzerland. Most importantly it puts cancer in a positive light by bringing together people at an amazingly fun event.

Details and registration information above.

Sunny

Stained-glass

2010-08-16T10:29:00.000-07:00

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a
light from within."

I love this quote. When I read it I got to thinking: "what does it mean to have a light from within?". Just a thought.

Sunny

News

2010-08-11T18:24:00.000-07:00

Well I got my cancer treatment game plan in order. Yesterday I went to my lead oncologist to coordinate all of my new treatments. I hate to write about all this stuff because it just seems so complicated and honestly quite boring. However, in the beginning this was my sole purpose of this blog but somehow it moved to so much more. Not to mention I want to let other carcinoid patients know what I am doing for treatment and hopefully it may help a few.

Anyways, Dr. Friedland my lead oncologist had everything laid out for me when I met with him. It was great that he is doing the thinking for me because quite frankly I am getting burned out with all my research. The game plan is as follows:

1. On August 23rd I will go into University of Pittsburgh/ Presby hospital to receive a chemo-embolization to the new tumor in the liver. I will stay a day or two and then recover at home.

2. Then three weeks later I will be receiving a new chemotherapy IV that has been quite successful in keeping carcinoid cancer stable.

3. I will also be consulting with a new doc in Houston about a treatment there. It is similar to what I have received in Europe but a watered down version. If that is a go it will start ASAP.

So there we have it, a game plan. It looks so good in writing. So organized and systematical. Although I know that it is subject to change depending on my body. Or maybe a miracle treatment may pop up in the meantime.

What I know that will not change is my faith and perseverance. I am determined more then ever to get this hell out of me. I don't want to learn to live with it and hang onto it. I want to be cured.

Sunny

A Big Hug

2010-08-06T10:18:00.000-07:00

All I have to say is that there are so many amazing people in this world I wish I had arms long enough to reach around them all at one time. My last day to spend with Mark and the boys alone then back to the reality world we all live in. That world is not that bad either.

Sunny

Witness

2010-08-03T16:38:00.000-07:00

It seems like forever since I have actually sat down and posted with my full heart. The last post was a struggle and my will to even sit down at the computer was taken away by the monster I am fighting. Since the last results from the scans that the cancer is growing again I have been struggling with its effects. Carcinoid Cancer is an endocrine cancer, so when it is in its metastasizing state it truly can take a hold of your entire body. The syndrome at full force can really take you out for awhile. The pain, along with the inability to keep any food down, the intense flushing and difficulty breathing truly makes you feel like you are the celebrity on Celebrity Rehab rather then a normal person fighting a incurable cancer. But I am not posting to go into the details of this devil. In fact, I don't like to give this cancer any credit for taking me down for a few weeks.

Truly, I feel this urgent need to share with everyone what I have witness over the past few weeks. Yes, I was at a low point with my disease. To spare the details, I was really sick. In that time I have had the most amazing out pour of help, encouragement, strength, and love. I have witness God's work at hand. I have seen that I am never alone and that at any time of the day or night I have this huge support system. I learned that at my lowest point with this cancer if I keep my faith in Him and give it to Him, He will bring people into my life to lift me up.

If it was an unexpected dinner, a drop by from a friend, or an email or card it was what I needed to get me through. Every time I prayed.....God worked. A friend taking me to treatment, my sisters listening to me cry on the phone, my mother staying with me to take over my motherly duties, Mark just listen to me complain and whine and a few friends taking the liberty to plan sometime for me to get away with my four boys are just to mention a few answers. However, through these weeks I have actually had some true heart to heart conversations with God. I have questioned and He answered. I asked him to take away my fears and I got peace. I even beg Him to take away some of the most horrific pain in my chest that I have ever felt and a few days and it had lessened to a tolerable rate. I had blood counts that were so low that my doctor took me off all my treatments only to have them up again in a few days.

I feel so blessed to be able to believe and have faith. I feel so blessed to have all of you who reached out to me. Thank you. I am taking the next four days to focus on Mark and the boys. I am so looking forward to just being a mom and not a cancer fighter. Please keep me in your prayers.

I must take some time in the next few days to update everyone on my new course of treatment. I am just in such a good place right know I don't want to think about it. I will catch up though because after all my blog's purpose help all of my carcinoid posse and share my treatment experience. Updates soon!

Sunny

Prayers

2010-07-28T19:23:00.000-07:00

So as many of my readers have speculated my lack of blogs means things have been rough for me recently. A few weeks ago I got some news that the cancer is spreading again. Its been caught early but it is still growing. Since the news I have been having some issues. First my blood counts have drop, then the pain of the new tumors attacked me and now the carcinoid syndrome is active. I was taken off most of my treatments to bring my blood work back up and now I am just trying to stay a hold of things.

I know that this will past because I have been here before. I am just asking for pray now. I truly believe that when times are tough you need to quit feeling sorry for yourself and pray for someone else. That is what I am doing, I am praying for all my carcinoid posse and I am asking you all to pray for me. God knows that I give this time to Him. Please keep me in your daily prayers.

I'll keep you posted.

Sunny

SHE IS THE WARRIOR

2010-07-16T22:11:00.000-07:00

With all due respect to Patty Symth and the rest of Scandal, my wife is the true warrior. Before anyone reading this panics as to why I (Mark--the quiet spouse) am writing this entry, it is not because she is too weak to think and type. In fact, today alone, she had two photo shoots, hit the food market, washed a few uniforms for Austen, observed Logans track practice, encouraged Nolan at guiatar lessons and that was all before noon. Actually it all was except for the second shoot and I forgot the oil change she did on her car. Right now those of you who know her real well are scratching your heads wondering when the heck did the warden's princess learn to change oil. I'll let you all to facebook about that.

No I am not filling in per her request, rather I asked if I could have the honor. Its purely a coincidence by the way that her last entry accurately portrayed my blubbering confession that contrary to her thoughts, I have not mastered the art of raising three boys and a fat dog alone. I can't picture our family without its rock, its anchor, without Sunny at the helm of this household ship. So I don't. Or maybe I can't allow myself to. I feel like if I do, then I am letting her down, because if she can fight and go on and on then who am I to not have faith and believe that she will whip this disease. Who am I to doubt? So I may learn how to properly rack ladles in the dishwasher, or how to correctly fold a pair of Aerospotale(I think thats the brand) boys shorts, and I may have expanded my culinary expertise to include foods other than eggs, cheese, pop-tarts, and pbj's....but I can never have the mother instincts to know when or where to put a little pick me up note in one of my boys pockets at just that time when he is down....or how make the big guys favorite desserts(heck even to tell you what their favorite desserts are)...or how to make sure that they know you can never quit when things get tough. Those are all things that Sunny does. She has set the bar high.

No, I asked to write this entry because it has been a crazy week and I know she won't admit it outside of this house, but she is tired. Tired from the cancer physically and in a moment of frustration, tired mentally from the ongoing fight. But she knows she won't stop. Quit is a four letter word that gets you decent points in scrabble but doesn't exist in her world. Her bloodwork is all messed up but she goes on. I don't know how she does it, her doctor's call her an inspiration, but all she wants is to hear her boys call her mom.

Its fitting that this week began on Sunday with a surprise 80th birthday party for her mother. It was a themed party, the 1930's, and Sunny made sure our boys had the perfect costumes, that she looked just right as a voluptous siren, and that I didn't bust through the buttons on my vest. She met with Vicki(fellow outlaw and nightowl) numerous times to work out details, hauled extra gear from her studio for those without, packed and set up her photo equipment, and then proceeded to take "period" photos for most of Sunday afternoon. Amazing. Stopped to eat a carrot. And maybe a fat-free cookie. With a bloodcount that was so low Keith Richards wouldn't have traded. She had the best time, the best attitude, and knowing it meant it a lot to her mother, she would do it again this Sunday if asked.

Then on Wednesday we had an early breakfast and a lunch date sandwiched around a visit to the Shadyside Spa and Cancer Center where she got "radioactive", a no pain no gain scan (although in the new machine which cut some time), and almost got another lovely Quadramet treatment(come back to the almost if you stay tuned). I don't mean to seem flippant in referring to our day in this way, but I know she will echo that even know it was going to be a long day, we were both in good spirits, making jokes, almost drunk with giddiness that only comes when you have no other way to handle a particuliar situation. After surgeries, treatments, trips to Basel, Iowa, Tampa and so many trips to UPMC Shadyside that we are officially the Garmin voice for the campus, we both knew that the day would suck, but there wasn't an option B. Sunny really lived up to her adage "that cancer does not define who she is". For those that know me well , if I didn't make her laugh and address the drive over with humor, I would have been blubberin as if I was stuck watching a perpetual rewind of the ending of "Its A Wonderful Life".

So she gets "radioactive" and we have to come back in two hours. She jokes about going shopping at various WalGreens, Rite Aid's etc. and tripping the metal detectors. We eat....well she nibbles and I eat one and a half breakfast's at Pamela's. (besides humor, eating is good medicine) We shop. She shops. Don't think she bought more than a chutzky bracelet 95% off and a pair of discounted sunglasses which she immediately hated when she walked outside. I don't know....it was just being in the store, talking to the owner (Roberta Wilson Leather I think) who was real sweet and spending time doing something she would have done pre-cancer.

We get back so she can finish the scan and get the Quadramet. After 40 minutes or so she comes out in a huff and tells me that the doctor wants to talk to both of us, that something had shown up in the pictures. We get back to the "Dosage Administration" room, which I swear also doubles as the locker/lunch storage area/blanket heating room/ and apparently "Mabel" from AT&T central station. Thanks to the wonderful staff in that dept, who always take great care of Sunny, and who follow this blog. No doctor though. We had met this doctor before....kind of like Mr. McFeely from the Rogers neighborhood crossed with Andy Taylor's physician from
Mayberry. Not to judge people by what they wear, but when the doctor who holds the keys to your treatment and is the expert as to dosage and timing of concurrent treatments is dressed like Larry from Three's Company with Mr. Furleigh's physigue and mannerisms neither one of us were overcome with confidence. After handing out a few employee lunchboxes(two ER's, one Scrubs, and one eco-plastic bag bursting with tofu yogurt, after making sure Sunny had the warmest towel the "towel warmer refrigerator thing-a-mi-jiggy held, after answering aforementioned phone which rang periodically "Espere un momento por favor" (these weren't stat calls relax....it was jerod wanting his lunch microwaved....) after being offered and declining the latest in hospital magazing reading several times by the aforementioned great staff(there are only so many Southern Living issues from 2006 you can absorb in one day) and after several quick drop in's by the frazzled Dr. McFeely Tripper Furleigh which were more confusing than not knowing what was going on at all, Sunny was ready for a smackdown. She had told them on Monday and Tuesday that her blood count was low....on the border to be able to safely get the Quadramet...they told her don't worry....drop on by....stay a while....you hear....all I could hear was her MFing the system....that since the drug was ordered upmc got paid...she was wasting a whole day with her kids....she had told them to reschedule....but as is the number one answer to the "Family Feud" question what is the biggest bane cancer patients have with their medical team....."NO ONE LISTENS TO WHAT I TELL THEM"....amen....nuff said....

When Dr. HENEEDSAHUG came back in to finally tell us that it would be best to reschedule the Quadramet I ducked. I thought for sure he was getting dropped right there and then. I hoped his dental plan was good. But Sunny was in a way relieved to put it off....after all of the confusion I think she (and I silently) both thought it be best to wait to make sure if her count would come up and she could safely get the treatment. Though I poke fun and think the whole 90 minutes to sort it out was ridiculious(hey Barack, can the new plan get phones in treatment areas that don't apparently crash weekly) we both appreciated his concurring to error on the side of conservativism and reschedule.

Now as we left I knew Sunny was one hand relieved and yet was angry. Understandably, she hates to waste time she could spend with her kids. And as much as I told her, at least we got the scan done , she wasn't buying what I was selling. In the back of my mind I knew someone was going to get her going and get the "Sunny Smackdown". At Giant Eagle on the way home to pick up fruit and drinks , a rude uppity woman in the self checkout lane in front of us stepped up to the smackdown plate. Now before some of you get the wrong idea about Sunny, keep in mind she was in pain from the scan and radiation, didn't get the pain treatment, had missed her kids cross country practice, stayed home the previous night from her oldest baby's hoop game, had a sore mouth side effect thing going, had gone way past exhaustion, and then she had to hear so overdolled up wannabe cougar who was literally bagging each of her items individually and then had the bright idea to "advise" Sunny as to how to set groceries on the little food treadmill thing. Boiling point. I jumped in the middle and just started bagging. Lets just say the woman bagged her remaining bags quickly and probably will never ever use the self-checkout line in this lifetime. Sunny needed to vent. She relaxed. Those of you that have ever been in a longterm stressful situation will relate. In fairness to Sunny, this rude bitch had it coming.

I was thinking this entry through this afternoon, I flipped through the bible and came across 2nd Timothy. Another one of the letters Paul wrote. It struck me , and I didn't plan on opening it or landing there. As our Pastor says, "you go nowhere by accident." Paul wrote that we are to be as the Serving soldiers, the competing athletes, and the hardworking farmer's....we are to focus on our leader....to be singleminded and driven, that we are to compete....to try...we can't sit on the sidelines and we have to do it the right way....and that we are to work hard so as in order to receive the first rewards of our efforts....This struck me as how Sunny lives every day....she is focused on being the same as she was prior to cancer, she is competing for her life, and yet she works as hard as anyone to keep things normal....to keep on keeping on...

She has complete faith...the inner assurance that no matter what happens she will get her reward....and she backs that up with actions....she does it....she doesn't just say it....anyone can say they trust God or they won't get beatdown by cancer.....Sunny goes that step further and lives like she is beatingdown the cancer in her....no doubts...burning the ships....she is my rock ...she is the cookie on my creamfilling in this OREO of life and I am truly honored to not just write this blog but to be with her on this incredible journey....

Mark Carney

2010-07-07T05:24:00.000-07:00

Every time I go to post in this blog I scroll down the page to log in with my secret password. As I scroll down that front page I see the picture of Mark and I taken a few days before I lost my hair, I see the letter that Mark poured out of his heart to describe me, I see me holding the hands of my three babies who in the last two years have grown twice that size, with that photo I see the word I have written a thousand times through this journey - BELIEVE. I then scroll a bit more and I see me and my beautiful four boys all around me hugging me and leaning on me because they need me. That sounds quite assuming but its what keeps me going. Yesterday after my appointment (read below) I said to Mark, "maybe the time is coming now? The boys are almost teenagers and in a few years they will be in High School. They are yours now. I did what I needed to do when they were young and now you, Mark are who they need." Mark looked at me with tears streaming down his face and said, " I have no idea what to do with them. I have no F@#$ing idea how to be the Dad that you have led me to be. I cannot do it without you. I am clueless."

I felt horrible that he felt this way. The last two years I have had this urgent need to teach him and the boys everything they need to know if my day comes. I have a box of letters written for them for certain situations. I have done the fast track of parenting so that the boys and Mark will be fine without me. However, what I realized by Mark's statement is that I have not planted the confidence in him that he needs to continue raising my boys after my journey with cancer is over. So yes he still needs me. So this road block needs to be hurdled over. This cannot be it......I need to find another treatment and fast.

Sunny

Results, results, results

2010-07-06T18:10:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday I had a total body PET/CT scan. Today I had my appointment with my oncologist to go over my scan results. From the moment Dr. Friedland walked into the exam room I could see in eyes that things were not so good. I gave him my big hello and large smile; I guess thinking that maybe if I turn up the charm he would use that magical power I think he has to change the news he hated so much to tell me. We had a few seconds of small talk, once again I was trying to avoid him announcing what was in that folder he was holding so tightly. Finally he just cut right to it. The cancer is going quickly again.

There are new tumors in the bones on my left side and my chest area. However, the most concerning part it the growth of the tumors in my liver and several new ones popping up as well. I wish I had more information to tell you but what I do know is that Dr. Friedland and myself need to come up with a new game plan on how to fight. I have several appointments with specialists, one with my liver oncologist and hopefully by the end of the week I will have some answers. Until then I am going to do what I always do and appreciate everyday.

Please keep me in your prayers.

Sunny

Peace

2010-06-28T16:48:00.000-07:00

God always knows when you need a little inspiration and lately he has been putting people in my life to give me the push I needed. My posts have been getting less and less lately. I don't know if it's because my boys are home from school and my life is all about running them from place to place. My nonprofit division of "Sunny's Photos" has been growing extremely quickly and that only means more people being effected by cancer, so that has been a little upsetting. Or perhaps its because my cancer life has been going crazy and I really am trying to block it out. It may just be the stress of all the insurance issues and financial uncertainties. Whatever the reason or excuse I am giving I have totally lost my way.

Although I have been trying extremely hard to ignore the signs God has truly been knocking on my inspiration door, He makes it impossible and once again reminds me I cannot do this journey alone. In the past few weeks I have had the most unusual inspiring people reach out to me. Without going into all the details I have been approached in the most unusual places, have had emails written to me and even have gotten a few phone calls from others that have inspired me to keep going with my battle but mostly keep updating and writing my blog. So tonight that is what I am going to do. I am going to update everyone on my battle, continue to get the word out about this rare cancer and try to help others know that they are not alone in whatever battle they are going through.

Tomorrow I will be under going another PET scan. I am not due for my regular scheduled progress scan for another month and 1/2 but I have had some unusual changes in my conditions so my oncologist decided to up that time to see what's going on. Yesterday a friend of my asked me if I was nervous about the scan or the results. When I told her that I really don't think about scans or results anymore she was completely surprised. Later that day when I was driving home from my hour and half ride from my Austen's baseball game my mind went back to my conversation with my girlfriend. I began to think that maybe its not normal for me not to have anxiety about my scans, my results or even my cancer. I questioned my honesty to others and myself and wondered if deep down am I just trying to pretend that I am NOT worried. After thinking hard and almost forcing myself to feel some type of solicitude I was quite sure I am not worried about any of it.

Not being afraid of my cancer, my scan tomorrow or the results of the scan does not mean I don't care about my battle. Trust me I care more then I care about anything, because this disease effects everyone I love.....not just me. However, I truly have in the Lord's peace. I am not saying that this peace I am feeling means that I believe that tomorrow scans are going to show no growth or even no cancer. Nor do I believe that I am going to be miraculously cured by one splash of blessed holy water or the hands of some Evangelist that claims to have the power of healing. However, I do strongly believe that if that is what God wants that to happen then it will. My peace is that God will not leave me and what the outcome may be my faith will get me through. I know that through the power of pray and with a true open heart to the Holy Spirit I can get through whatever the results bring. Now, am I hoping for the best? HELL YA, but I have true have peace.

I have seen first hand some amazing things happening because of my journey. I have seen great change in my life and in my families life. As I stated several times in my blog if I could have one wish it would be to take this cancer away from me. However, the past two years of my battle have been the most meaningful and life changing experience for all those I love I would never give them back. They have taught me what having true faith in God and giving all my adversity to him feels like. That is where my peace comes from.

So tomorrow when I lay in that tube for a few hours with an IV in my arm I am going to spend that time in peace and thanking God for that peace.

Sunny

Keep the faith

2010-06-14T06:07:00.000-07:00

I think my last post pleading for help with my insurance issues has diffently opened some doors for me. I have been in touch with the right people and I am praying that they can lead me in the right direction. Thank you all for reaching out. I will keep you all posted.

The last couple of weeks have been very difficult for me physically. I am assuming the cancer is growing again because of how I have been feeling. I scheduled scans for the end of June so I will know what's going on then. In the meantime, I need to stay strong in faith. This neuroendrocrine cancer is so strange. At one point it seems to be taking over my whole body and the pain is so incredible I can bearly stand it. I become dizzy and sick to my stomach like its the worse flu you could ever imagine. Then a few days later I am feeling great. I have talked to my oncologist about these happenings but he really has no answers because its such a rare and difficult cancer. So I joke with him and tell him to take notes so that when his other carcinoid patients tell him the same thing he can assure them its normal.

The last couple of weeks have been much like this. I have been feeling like crap for a few days and then I feel better. Friday, for example, I started to feel a little under the weather. I had blood work done and my counts where off. I continued to do what I always do to get on with life and then Friday evening it hit me. The pain was so intense that I could hardly focus. I kept Mark up most of the night with him feeling so helpless trying everything he could think of just to help me fall asleep. Saturday I had a wedding that I was contracted to photograph and up until I got to the bride's home I was completely unsure I could get through it. But through God's will and many prayers I spent eight hours Saturday popping pain meds and photographing a beautiful event. Of course Sunday I was a complete mess. Still in horrible pain and sick from the pain meds that don't work anyways. I knew at that point that my prayers need help, so I asked my facebook friends to pray for me. The response was amazing.

After another sleepless night last night I am starting to feel my way on the upswing. I am not completely feeling 100%, I am not sure I even know what feeling 100% feels like, but I know that because of my faith and prayers from others I am getting through this journey. I had someone say to me the other day that they don't believe that there is a GOD. I love this person but felt so sorry for them. I don't know how you can look around this amazing world and not believe in The Big Guy Above. I don't know how someone whose been with me through this battle can not see what God has done in my life dispite this cancer. I want to thank everyone who reads my blog and have reached out to me. I am so blessed to have you all in my corner. I know that in a few days I will be the "Sunny" you all know. Keep praying and please keep believing.

Sunny

Insurance

2010-06-09T18:13:00.000-07:00

Well nothing in life worth living for is easy. Fighting cancer is so much more then just fighting the demon that is inside of me. The frustration that goes with the disease is overwhelming at times. This week Mark and I was hit with the reality that as of July 31st our whole family will be losing our health insurance. Sixteen months ago Mark and the company he was with for sixteen years decided to part ways. Mark was pursuing a different career track and with my diagnosis it was the perfect time to do so. So with that departure and his new career path we had no other choice but to go onto COBRA insurance. It was extremely expensive but we made do and it was health insurance not perfect because several of my treatment were not covered but insurance to say the least. We were guaranteed coverage for 18 months and July 31st that 18 months will be up.

This week I started looking into other options and I am overwhelmed by the whole process. After hours and hours on the Internet and more hours on the phone I am tired of the doors that are being slammed on me and my family. With private insurance cost outrageous and almost impossible for us to afford and non private have so many bizarre circumstances that I don't think we will qualify I am at a lost at what to do. I spoke with our Senators office today and was told to apply for government insurance however when I called to get information on it I was told that I was not qualified and my children will have to go uninsured for four to six weeks before they will start the process.

Through this whole cancer journey I have never felt so defeated. I have been told that I had six months to live, told that my only hope for any chance to extend my life was crazy European treatments, undergone several experimental treatments and procedures, have hundreds and thousands of dollars in medical bills and I would stand on my head for a month if they told me it would help destroy this cancer growing inside of me. I have undergone horrific treatments that has got me so sick as well as put me through horrible pain and have not had positive results. Scan after scan after scan with results never on my side and I have always found hope in this hopeless situation. Nothing has made me feel that I am losing this battle until today. I just feel so overwhelmed with all this insurance bullshit and scared that I have no options. I am asking for all you who follow my blog to please rich deep down and pray for me and my family. I know that if I leave this problem in God's hands he will take care of it. However, for the first time in this long cancer voyage I am struggle with that because I am scared.

Please keep me in your prays this week that this will all work out. I am also open to any knowledge that anyone can share with me regarding insurance options.

“Prayer is the key to Heaven, but faith unlocks the door.” I've been praying and praying... Now I'm trying to keep the faith that everythying will work out.

Sunny

2010-06-04T10:45:00.000-07:00

This post is well overdue. I know it's been three weeks since my last published post. I have written several entries but truly felt they were too deep and personal to share. I have been receiving email after email asking me if all is okay. To be honest it's been a really rough month physically. I know that I need to catch everyone up on my scans, the findings and my treatments but if I don't share with you my Friday morning I may just burst. Today I was hit with the reality of why I fight this cancer battle.

The last week has been a bitter sweet week for me. Tuesday I had a double treatment which has been really tearing me apart physically. The boys are ending another school year which has been tearing me up emotionally. I love my summers home with them in fact I love them home any time with me. Also, I am thrilled that I am here to see my boys move on to another year in school because after my diagnosis I was told that I would never see these days. Mostly I am so proud of each one them and the accomplishments they have made this school year. But like any mother, with or without cancer, I am sad that my babies are moving closer to not needing me anymore. They are one year older and one year smarter. Soon they will not need me to study with them or help them with that ridiculously difficult project that no child does ALL BY HIMSELF. Each year they are growing more independent and self sufficient. The need for "MOM" is quickly going away and the need for friends is replacing me. The little blue eyed freckle face boys are now growing up to be handsome teenagers with girls following behind them. Their hugs that use to knock me over are becoming more of a light quick tap from a boy that is taller then me now. Bitter sweet in so many ways.

However on Friday my two youngest participated in a school talent show and it reminded me how I can still share in their joy without always being needed. They are officially musician now with Logan banging on drums and Nolan jamming on his electric guitar, sometimes Austen joins in on drums and keyboard. After this last diagnosis and the grim news that the doctors told me of my destiny, I joined them up for lessons so that they would have something they can do that will bring them together if I was not here to force it. Never in my wildest dreams though did I ever imagine that they would actually sound amazing enough in a year in a half to preform together in front of almost 500 of their peers. All I can add is that they rocked the house with the children chanting more more more. They ended up playing four songs with Logan flipping his drum sticks and spinning on his stool and Nolan playing behind his back and sliding across the floor. As Mark and I sat in the back of the school auditorium holding hands we both had tears rolling down our face and for once my husband was completely speechless. The pride in Mark's eyes was worth a million dollars to me.

As I stood in the back listening to their final rendition of "Born to be Wild" and watching the front of the stage covered with their classmates dancing and chanting their names I realized what cancer has done for our family. I felt reconfirmed that my fight may not 100% be for Mark and the boys anymore because they are going to be okay now without me. But that this battle I am is now for ME. I cannot miss my children's accomplishments as they go through their life. I have worked so hard to make these wild boys into amazing teenagers and it is now my time to sit back and enjoy me good work. The whole day I felt like I was walking on a cloud. Those boys that sat on our couch a year and a half ago clinging to me with rolling tears down their baby faces as we told them "THE NEWS" of mommies illness are fine now. They are strong and ready to tackle the world with me just slightly leading them in the right direction. They overcame my cancer and actually learned from my battle. They will be okay when the day comes.

Me on the hand, needs to be here to see them experience the grandest of life. I need to see their smiles so big that their faces hurt. Cancer has taught us that days like Friday is a battle won as we fight this war. This again is the "Good in Cancer". My boys have learned that if they give something their all and not quit on your dreams they can accomplish anything. But more importantly they have learned to lean on each other and work together. I understand that a song does not work with out all the instruments and a family does not work without each other. That night Nolan came up to me and said, "Mom, thanks for getting me lessons. I know that it is expensive and you worry about paying for them......but thanks." They are starting to get that living is more then just having a life......living is making the most of that life.

Sorry for the delay in post and I promise you this week I will catch everyone up on my "Cancer" battle. I really just had to share the "Good in Cancer" to remind myself that quitting is not an option.

Sunny

What is true faith?

2010-05-11T18:52:00.000-07:00

Never place a period where God has placed a comma.

Mark sent me an email today (yes we both have home offices but we still communicate through technology. Sad but true, with only one floor between us texting and email is our main way of talking during the day. We sometimes may pick up our cells and actual call each other but that is only when our fingers are tired). I opened the attachment and read the above. "Interesting"....what does he mean about this? Surely I have not quit on anything or given up. Or have I?

A few hours later after a long morning of work for both of us, Mark came into my office and asked if I got his email. "Of course I got it", I said in my irritated tone. He then said to me, "sounds like something you would say", and he walked out and closed my door.

The rest of the day I could not stop thinking about the email. It is something I would say, but I can not help wonder if I really live this way? There are times where I think about when. When is God going to put my number on his list? How old will my boys be? Will Mark be ready to take over? Will they know that I love them and that is why I fought so hard?

I seem to have been spending the last year and half getting Mark and the boys prepared to live without me. Of course I don't let them in on my fast track for them to learn everything I would have taught them over 20+ years. The changes my family has gone through is huge. Mark can cook three things now, I hesitate to call it a meal yet: Daddy eggs, grilled cheese sandwiches and something they call gramen burgers (only to be eaten when it's a bro night and mom's not around). I showed him which one of the two big white machines in our basement needs soap, only because detergent in a dryer was a huge mess I had waiting for me after a long hospital stay. He now knows were the boys schools are located. He is even learning that when the boys say they don't have homework it really means they don't feel like doing their homework. Although, the biggest change I have noticed is that my baby boys go to dad more when they need ride somewhere or money. Before my "preparation plan" they would walk right passed him, if he was even home, as if he was invisible and hunt me down for anything they would need. He could be standing in the kitchen with the milk jug in his hand and they would search the entire house to ask me for a glass of milk.

With all of that said, I wonder if I am a hypocrite. Did I put a period on my life? I claim that I have hope, but I know that my cancer has no cure. I know that eventually my life will end because of this disease. The thing that makes me sad is that I have accepted my destiny. It's all a matter of time, so I take everyday as a gift. Sounds great but is that try faith?

Sunny

Perfect time for THAT conversation

2010-05-05T06:05:00.000-07:00

I am here in my favorite place with my family.....life is perfect. I woke up yesterday at 5:30 am feeling like I was hit with a train. My bones ached to no end and I felt like I had one of those college day hangovers. Unfortunately again I did not have the fun the night before because I drunk no alchol. But I had to go and see the sunrise. I promised Nolan the night before that we would go to the beach for the sunrise and some shell collecting and then hit our favorite muffin shop. Nolan pretends to enjoy the sunrise as much as I do but if anyone knows him you know that he is all about the muffin run after. So I got myself together, picked up the camera and off we went.

I don't try to hide my pain from my children. I did for a long while after I was diagnosed but there is no need to do that now. They are living with my cancer and dealing with it. One reason is because I want them to realizes that despite my cancer and its effects I am loving life. Also, they are becoming men now at 11, 12, and 13 and I need their help. I depend on them for things now and I want them to understand that mommy is not running marathons or can bet them in a race anymore. Anymore.....I am so glad I can say ANYMORE because I am so glad I did those things when I could. Anyways, Nolan was so understanding when I told him I will point to the shells with my foot but he has to bend over to pick them up. It was actually fun.

The sunrise was once again amazing. In the begin of its ascendants it was covered behind a huge cloud. I thought it was going to be a dud of a morning so I wanted to leave. But Nolan told me to wait and be patient. Then within a half-hour there it was. God's performance again. That big orange ball rising up to start a new day. God how I love watching that miracle. I have written about it so many times and could write about it so many more times that it could be a whole book. Every time I am in just awe at how miraculous this process of renewal is. It is truly heaven on earth.

Which brings up Nolan and my conversation as we sat there on the beach with the water just reaching our toes. Out of no where he asked me what I thought heaven was like? I don't know why he brought it up, but I felt like God was tapping me on the shoulder and telling me to open up to him. So I answered, "I've never been there but I bet the sunrises are even more beautiful then this." He was quiet for about 15 seconds, probably processing what I just said and then he quietly said, "are you afraid to go to heaven mom? Because I know that is where you will go when you get way to sick". I really was way to sick to even begin to talk about this with him but I think God was telling me not to walk away from this conversation. I looked out into the ocean because I was afraid to look in those deep blue green eyes of his and I said very strongly, "Of course not. I imagine it to be the most peaceful and wonderfulest place ever."

We sat for awhile and then he started talking again but in a happy way. It's hard to described the tone of the conversation but it was not sad at all. It was not funny or happy but I guess peaceful. We started talking about things like what would dad do if I was not here anymore. He asked me if I would want dad to remarry. Then he jokingly said, "he would need to get some new manners, because sometimes Mom.....Ugh." The conversation just flowed naturally and it was very easy. Finally he asked the question that I hope I never know the answer to, "mom, how long until?" Until.....I knew what he meant. I'll I could answer was, "hopefully not for a long time." We sat for awhile longer then I could hear his stomach making some muffin want noises. We gathered our shells and towels and off we went.

When we got home everyone else was still sleeping and I was exhausted. So I woke Mark up sent him to outside to watch Nolan in the pool and went back to bed. Unfortunately the rest of the day I was useless. Mark and my mother took the boys to the beach and I stayed in bed only to get awaken every hour or so with phone calls from them checking on me. By the time they got home I was up and somewhat able to function. I swam a few laps and made some dinner for everyone and back to bed I went. Although, for most people yesterday would of seemed like a day of no accomplishments but for me it was a day of great peace. Sure I did not spend every minute surfing, building castles, playing volleyball or even just watching my boys do all that, but the time I spent in deep conversation with one of my boys was more then I could ever ask for.

Later that evening, I told him about the morning with Nolan. Of course he must put some rationalization onto why he brought up the subject. He even went as far as to say that maybe he read yesterdays post and wanted to bring it up. I truly believe it was just the force of God. It was the perfect time and perfect place for a conversation that needed to happen. This is just another example of how faith will lead you to the right path.

Sunny

People Like Me!

2010-05-04T05:06:00.000-07:00

I am so sick and tired of hearing that Carcinoid Cancer is so rare. I have hundreds and hundreds of emails from those suffering from this cancer or those who have a loved one suffering that feel differently. There are several foundations for Carcinoid Cancer and new treatment center popping up everywhere. The statement. "Rare cancer", is one reason Carcinod Cancer research is so underfunded. This cancer is the number one undetected cancer but that does not make it rare.

Another misconception is that many people who have been diagnosed with Carcinoid Cancer can live a completely normal life. Normal....normal for who? Is it normal to be in pain all the time, have a doctor's appoint two to three times a week, or be stuck with needles and have poison through your veins once a week? Maybe everyone has tumors full of deadly hormones invading every organ of their body. Is it normal to have medical expanses that exceed more then what you make in one year because this cancer is so unknown several of the treatments are not FDA approved which means not covered by insurance? Is it normal to have to travel all over the world for unapproved treatments just to stay alive? Tell that to the family whose whole lives have been turned around and changed because of the horrific disease. Or sit done and explain that to an 11 year old boy when he has to keep asking his mom as they go for a walk on the beach, "are you ok still?". Or assure a 13 year old boy that you would be fine if Daddy remarried once I was dead because you don't want him to be sad and lonely. Tell that to the mom or dad that have this cancer when they are up all night worrying about their children's future without them.

What frustrates me the most is when I hear a doctor or "expert" say, "Many people live up to 5 years or more with this cancer. So relax." Say that to the many mothers, wives and husbands that have emailed me telling me that they lost their love one from Carcinoid Cancer several months after they were diagnosed. Tell that to me when I open those emails and have to find the words deep down to show how horrible I am feeling for them, only to see my mother or husband writing the same letter one day. How about telling someone who is on their fifth year with this cancer and they cannot get out of bed to, "relax this is a slow growing cancer". Tell that to woman who wrote the email below to me on Sunday. Give her some suggestions on how to tell her two boys that she is never going to get better:

Sunny,
I have been reading your blog for a long while now. I want to thank you for sharing your journey. I look forward to your updates and hearing about how you and your family are doing. The post about your son and the cross you gave him (than he gave back to you) just has me in a pool of tears, honestly it was the sweetest thing I have ever read. God bless you and your family.

I want you to know that I also have carcinoid and 2 boys, now ages 10 and 15. I struggle with what to tell them and how to be there for them and like you said "compartmentalize" the cancer part of me as much as possible. Live and struggle through the days and relate to very much of what you share and also a deep faith in God.

My 10 year old son, Nathan, came to me this weekend and asked me why I seemed so angry. (I have been having a lot of new pain - probably bone mets and have been very crabby at times). I told him it was because sometimes I feel angry that I am so sick and I want to feel better. He tried to show me some exercises I could do to get better. He knows I have cancer and that is why I am sick - but I had not really told him it was terminal cancer. I felt it was time to tell him a little more of the truth, so I explained that most all of the time people get sick and then get better. But sometimes, rarely, people get sick and don't get all better. I told him, in the most tender way I could, that I have been fighting this thing for 4 years, and I am still fighting, but that eventually I would get sicker and eventually I wouldn't be here anymore. He cried and cried and I held him, my own heart breaking along with his. I told him that I could take it, so please cry and let it all out. I told him that God has kept me here this long and that I am still getting my treatments, so we had today to enjoy and probably many, many more days.

After this weekend, I wanted to go to your blog, to find some comfort, to connect, and then I read your post about your situation and your son and the cross and it really touched me.

I am so glad that you are doing the things you love - and working your photography. Even though I know how miserable you must feel at times, it inspires me to hear how you are living through your journey with carcinoid.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Thank you again for keeping your blog - you are a blessing!

Peace,
Andrea Espinoza

I know that the tone of my post today is not the "Sunny" tone you are all use to reading. I am not trying to be bitter or angry about being inflicted with this cancer. However, I want to express my frustration with all those "experts" and those who read an article on the Internet that now think they are "experts" who tell me and several hundreds other that this cancer is rare and not so bad. I want to be a voice for mothers like Andrea and others who are fighting everyday to stay alive. I want to speak out for those who wake up every morning have to face the day with a cancer that less then .25% of cancer research money is spent on researching a cure for our battle. But mostly I want you all to understand the pain those who have lost someone they love and need to Carcinoid Cancer. Please don't take my post today as anything but another way for me to fight this cancer. I need to clear up all the misconception before I can get on with my journey today.

Sunny

Update

2010-04-30T07:16:00.000-07:00

It's been a while and so much has been happening. I have been fighting with all I have in my cancer life and crazy busy with my non cancer life. First my cancer life, as I like to compartmintize it, is still here. I am still taking Afinator or secret golden pill because of the price. I am told that it is keeping my liver mets stable which is truly a blessing. I had some new tumors pop up in new organs but they are on the smaller end of things so we are going watch them and in two weeks rescan. If they have grown we will make the decision of surgery or radiation. The bone tumors have been the most annoying. The have increased in size and have been causing pain. I am trying hard to not let that pain interfere with my life. I absolutely hate the way I feel when I take the pain meds but would tolerated it if any pain meds worked. But they don't so I have found other options. Mediation and pray puts me at peace. Once I have peace I am able to refocus on other things besides the pain. Accepting the pain as a way of living is the first thing in dealing with the pain.

Also I am in Florida now for my follow-up with the Tampa Moffit Cancer Center as well as another dose of that new experimental chemo. Then I will be heading over to the east coast to spend the week with my mother, Mark and the boys. I absolutely love every minute I spend in little old Vero Beach, Fl. I have been to The Keys, Bahama's, Mexico, Jamaica and even Hawaii and have seen some of the most amazing beaches ever but nothing compares to the peace and relaxation I get in Vero. Its such a wonderful place to recovery from treatments and just spend time with my family.

In order to forget about the pain I started a new venture. I guess I should say I rekindled an old venture. I started up my photography studio business again above an amazing art studio, Le Bella's Art Studio. Opening the studio is by no means something that a thought I could ever do again or something that my husband ever wanted me to do again. But once again God puts people in your life and situations to overcome that truly can change you. My cancer has brought me and the owner of Le Bella's Art Studio, Debbie, together. Several years ago her infant daughter was diagnosed with another rare form of cancer. Debbie lives in our community so when she hard about my relapse she reached out to me. After a year of friendship she convinced me to keep my business going and encouraged me to reopen my studio in her building. It sounded great but I truly was not sure I could expand my business while putting my family and cancer first. I know that when I invest in my passion I invest 100% which was great before I got sick but not good when you are fighting for your life. I kept the idea in the back of my mind and once in a while entertained it. Then after months of Debbie working me another friend of my, April, approached me about her passion in photography and wanted to work in the industry. One thing lead to another and back to studio shooting I went. With so much support to back me up I am able to do what I love and still have time for those I love.

With all that is going on I am always able to remember how truly blessed I am. I look back to the day that I was told of my relapse and how far I have come. I have accepted my cancer but not accepted my fate with it. Mostly I know that I have so much support and will never be alone in this battle. Thank you.

Sunny

The Cross

2010-04-13T19:28:00.001-07:00

I had every intention on blogging tonight about the great weekend I had and the kindness I witnessede. I had treatments on Thursday and wanted to post about that as well. I've been sick since Sunday and thought I would add that too. But something just happened to me I just have to share. The rest will wait until later

So to start off I had a double dose of treatments on Friday for the bone tumors. Normally I seperate these two different drugs by two weeks. But the nurse at the treatment center thought that I could handle both at once. Friday I was a little sick and exhausted, but Saturday I was able to shoot two sessions and go out that night with friends. Then on Sunday it all hit me and I've been in tremendous bone pain and sick to my stomach since then. After church on Sunday Ive been in and out of bed for the last three days.

Now I know I post a ton about my boys. I also know that I make them seem like these ideal perfect little angels. I can assure you and so can anyone that knows the Carney Boys well, that they are very typical wild boys. I am sure you are all tired of reading about them through my rose color glasses how perfect and wonderful they are. Well if that is the case then don't read on becaue I really need to post this about Nolan.

Anyways Nolan came home from school today and asked me before he even dropped his backpack on the floor, if my pain went away yet. Some kids come home from school and drop their junk and run out to play or run to their video game. But a child that has a parent with cancer has different anxieties. Of course like any mom with cancer I said, " its getting better". We then we went through his day and his homework and off he went to practice his hockey skills. I wobbled my way up the stairs to my master bathroom to take another pain med and hide for a while until those pills start to take the edge off. I could not help but start to cry and feel bad that Nolan only cares about how I am do. I hear a light tapping on the door so I hurry up and put the meds away wipe my tears and open the door. Nolan is standing there with this concerned look on his face. He reaches in his jean pocket and pulls out a small silver cross. He handed it to me. I asked him where he got this and why is he given it to me.

He began to tell me that I gave it to him before I left for Switzerland, but I could not remember. He continued to tell me that whenever he is upset or stressed he puts it in his pocket. This week is PSSA tests at his school and I guess I nagged way to much about how important these standardized test are. So he took the small cross off his dresser and has been carrying it around with him all week. I insisted that he keep it in his pocket because he will need it when he is taking his tests. But he kept handing back to me and finally said, "Mom, I will be fine if I know you are ok." He then told me if I hold it really tight maybe it will take my pain away.

I was completely speachless and surprised. I mean, I know that Nolan believes in God. We pray at dinner and at night. But I never knew he understood what it means to lean on God. I of course tell them about God, my faith and that all things are possible if you believe. But I never thought that they really got it. I guess I was wrong.

I took the cross and held it like he instructed me too. He smiled, gave me a hug and off he went to play hockey.

Sunny

Surgery or No Surgery......That is the question

2010-04-07T16:22:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my big appointment with my main oncologist. I must say after the four hour wait I still absolutely trust him with my life.....literally. We went over the scans and ultra-sound results and he gave me several options. Options are great at this point in my cancer battle. When the options run out then I will start to panic. After talking with my three specialist a week ago about the tumors and spreading I thought I would be rolling into surgery by the end of this week. Dr. Friedland told me yesterday that surgery at this point is not the only option. He laid out the options in very simple terms:

1. Have surgery immediately to remove the new tumors and the organs that they are affecting.

2. Wait four weeks and get rescanned then re-evaluate. If the tumors are growing or have spread more, then have immediate surgery. The they remain stable then the choice of surgery is up to me. If the new experimental treatment shrinks them then I just save myself a surgery.

3. Do radiation therapy on the new tumors.

4. Go to Switzerland again to receive the last two treatments.

He kept his opinions to himself until I started to talk. He did not lean me towards any option even after I seemed confused. Mark and I asked several questions about each option but I think we already knew all the answers. We are now consider cancer veterans. We are no longer the scared uneducated cancer newbies we were in the beginning. Finally I said, "I think I want to go with option number two. I am going to wait and pray for four weeks and then get re-scanned.". He smiled at me and said, "I knew that is what you would choose....you always go for the quality of life thing." He reassured me that he thinks I will be fine to wait because the worse case scenario is that the cancer grows or spreads somewhere else and I have the surgery I had already expected.

So for now the surgery is postponed until further notice. I will continue on the magic pill which has been keeping many of the larger tumors stable and even shrunk a few. I will also continue my treatments at Hillman Cancer Center.

Sunny

Continuation from yesterday

2010-04-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

After reluctantly posting yesterday's blog I felt the weight of the world was off me. At least until Tuesday when I meet with my main oncologist. I went to my bedroom to get some sleep only to find Mark laying on his side of the bed with a book across his chest and his hands over his eyes. Trying to quickly and quietly slip back out of the room I held my breath and slowly turned towards the door. The thought of rehashing our conversation a few hours ago was just to much for me to bear. I almost made it out of the room when he spotted me and said, "I'm reading your book, I can not believe your notes in the margin. When did you write this stuff." I did not know what book he was talking about nor did I want to engage in any kind of conversation. I read a ton and always write notes or highlight things I like in my books. I shook my head and tried really hard to escape out the room but he continue to engage in conversation.

"I think you read this book before you got sick. I remember you telling me to read it. In fact I think you brought me a copy". He held up the book and I noticed it was "The Purpose Driven Life", by Rick Warren. He was right, the first time I read the book was the year it came out in 2003 before I had my lung remove. I think I have read it about five more times since then. I did not say much because truthfully I was completely drained and just wanted to be alone. He got the hint and laid the book done open on the bed and left the room.

After putting a few baskets of clothes away, straighten up the room and getting ready for a good night sleep I sat on the bed and lifted the book to find it open to Chapter 4: "Made to Last Forever". I quietly read the chapter with out a pencil or highlighter but with an open heart. Like I have mentioned earlier I have read, took notes and highlighted this chapter many times but not until last night did I really get it. I even participated in a group Bible study for this book but I learned more last night then ever before. For those who don't have a copy of this book please get one, read it and keep it next to your bible for reference at times. The chapter, Made to Last Forever, was the perfect chapter for me to read last night before laying my head down to sleep. It gave me peace and understanding.

Rick Warren writes:

This life is not all there is. Life on earth is the dress rehearsal before the real production......Earth is the staging area, the preschool, the tryout for your life in eternity. It is the practice workout before the actual game; the warm-up lap before the race begins. This life is preparation for the next.

At most, you will live a hundred years on earth, but you will spend forever in eternity. Your time on earth is, but a small parenthesis in eternity. You are made to last forever.

......This life is preparation for the next. If you have a relationship with God, through Jesus, you don't need to fear death.

Just as I finished reading that chapter Mark walked back into the room holding his copy of the book. He asked me if I read my notes in the margin. I shook my head yes but I really did not read any of them I just nodded that I did. He turned to me and said, "you were who you are now, then. You understood life even before you had cancer." He continued by saying, "you say cancer changed you and opened your eyes to life. Your eyes were always"s open". We shut out the lights and waiting until he fell asleep before I turned on my small lamp to read my notes. I could not stand not knowing what I knew back then.

As I read my notes written in cursive, so that even my books looked pretty, I too was surprised. In the margins I wrote things like: "life on earth is just a blink compared to life in eternity", "the way you live your life here determines the way you live in eternity", "live as if today is your last day", "if you live for God and others you should never fear death" and "our life here is to be lived for God. Don't let your life be waisted....do for others". There were several other words I jotted down but those few stood out.

I am guessing it is time for me to listen to what I already know. I need to continue to live with all I have and let Him do His thing.

Sunny

Control

2010-03-31T18:25:00.001-07:00

I have written several post since the last one but I have not published any of them. My emotions are running crazy. I have been putting off posting because its been a roller coaster ride of cancer in the past few weeks. Truthfully, I really don't know what to post because I don't understand much anymore. Just when I think I have this cancer life under control I am hit with another wall to climb over.

I had a new set of scans about a week ago and the results were so so. The miracle drug that I have been taking has not shrunk any of the tumors. Some are stable but new ones are popping up faster then I would like them to. After speaking with my liver oncologist after the scans I left his office feeling quite defeated and angry. He, on the other hand, keeps telling me that I am a miracle and I need to remember that I have had a whole year longer then what was expected. I am frustrated because I am doing everything I can do, and looking for more, to fight this fight but keep getting punched down over and over again. I am tired of losing this battle. I am also tired of pretending that everything is going to be alright when deep down I know that the only answer right now for this carcinoid cancer is to slow the process done. I want so badly to just once go into my doctors office and hear that I am in remission.

I also feel this enormous desire to keep everyone here at home positive and optimistic. I need to keep everything together and tell everyone....including myself...that I will get through this again. I must of said 100 times or more to Mark in the past 2 weeks to stop worrying about something we cannot control only to find myself up all hours of the night worrying for him. I feel this huge pressure to be strong for everyone while I continue my life like I don't have this monster invading every one of my organs. 99% of the time I believe and have faith that I will be here for my children and to see them graduate from high school, college, get married and have children of their own. However, at times there is that 1% that is so hard to overcome at times.

Today I got a call from my oncologist office and they told me that I need further tests and risky surgery as soon as possible. After I hung up the phone that 1% kicked in and I fell apart. But I had no one to fall apart too because I am the strong one and I have to keep my family thinking that this news is just a little bump in the road. As I started to tell Mark the water down filtered version of my conversation with the nurse I could tell that it meant him freaking out. As much as I appreciate his need to get upset and angry I really wanted it to be my turn just this once. My turn to scream and cry. My turn to feel sorry for myself and become bitter. Instead as I tried to communicate my frustrated I end up listening to his.

I knew that I had to clear my head so I snuck away for a walk. As I was walking I tried to figure things out and plan my next course of action. I kept asking myself why am I freaking out? Why do I feel like I am losing control of this battle? Why am I so frustrated when I knew this day and many worse days would come? The answer came quick. I don't know if it was God slapping me in the face or me just thinking straight but I realized that I am not suppose to be in control. He is in control. I need to let go of the wheel and let Him drive. I have to put my trust in God and give this up to Him. The answers will come if I open my heart and loose my need to control.

I lost my way for awhile. I needed to take control of something I have no control over.

On Tuesday I will see my main oncologist to discuss our new findings. We will lay out a game plan and I will proceed with all my heart again. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my Easter Holiday with my family and hug my boys every chance I get. I know that I can not control the outcome of this disease but I control how I handle the outcome.

Sunny

Daffodal

2010-03-23T05:28:00.000-07:00

Sunday was such a glorious day here in Pittsburgh. Of course that means the boys and a large group of their friends will spend most of the day outside. After spending a few hours at a photo shoot I came home to an empty house with the remains of several messy boys left behind. Drink glasses half full, about a dozen of Popsicles wrappers and sticks scatter about the kitchen counter and an empty fridge that was full before I left that morning was proof that they still lived there but only entered the house to refuel theirs and their buddies bellies. I rushed home because I was expected to be greeted by my four favorite boys waiting for me to do something fun with them. I quickly realized that they are now teenagers and really they did not even realizes I was gone for hours.

As I was cleaning up the mess in the kitchen and feeling very used, I heard my cell phone buzzing that a text just came through. Needing an excuse to not continue I grab my phone to check out what it said. I looked down to see Fav yung son on the name of who the text was sent. That stands for "my favorite youngest son" which is what I jokingly call him at times. I open the text only to see it was a picture of a daffodil from my Nolan and text written above the picture that said, "with the gang and saw this in someone's yard and thought of you. I cannot pick it because I don't want anyone to think I'm weird. I hope you like to just look at it". I must say my heart insistently melted.

I have to wonder if cancer has made Nolan as thoughtful as he was on Sunday? Has our journey soften my boys? Or would they have become this sensitive and loving even if we had a normal life? I truly believe they have become who they are because of our situation. Believe me when I tell you this surprise does not happen often, but they seem to come at such perfect times. I hate cancer and I hate what it does to others and families. I believe that cancer is somehow a form of the devil. But I also know that we have become different people for the better because of being struck with this daemon.

About an hour after receiving the text the door flew open and in come a group of about twelve boys ranging from the ages of 11 to 15 to hit our basement to watch the NCAA march madness with Mark. I cringed because I knew this meant mess number two and bad odors entering my freshly cleaned house. I handed each one a bottle of water and warned Mark they were entering the "man cave". At the end of the stampede was Nolan holding that beautiful daffodil he texted me a picture of. Once again I felt my heart melting like candle wax. He handed me the flower and told me to hurry and put it water because he picked it right after he texted me. He claimed that Austen and Logan told him to. I gave him a huge hug and just held him. He then pulled away when he heard someone yelling for him to hurry up because Pitt was on. As he ran downstairs to join the rest of "THE GANG" he turned to me and demanded, "chips mom". Once again I knew that despite my cancer I have a truly perfect life.

Sunny

What to say????

2010-03-19T16:58:00.001-07:00

After reading Mark's blog from the other day I am speechless. I did not know how wonderful his memories are of Basel, Switzerland. I never like to talk about it with him because I really thought that it was a time he would not want to rehash. He seemed so scared and helpless when I was undergoing these experimental treatments. I remember his anxiety as we boarding the plain from Phili to Germany. I was exhausted, in pain and sick to my stomach yet I was so worried he was going to have a complet break down. At least that is what I thought at the time, only to learn just the other day he in awe of me. When the subject of our adventure comes up I always see his eyes start to water up so I immediately change the subject. I thought it was because of sadness and fear but now realize those eyes were full of love. Unfortunately, I never let myself see our trips through his eyes so I am so glad he wrote the last post.

He is correct when he says I don't like to remember our trips or the treatments that I underwent while in Basel. I do talk about our experiences but only to other carcinoid patients that call me for information and want to know what it is all about. But I don't like to relive it with anyone else. I don't see myself back then like Mark sees me. I see myself as a sick, insecure, fragile person. I was doing what I needed to do to get through a very hard time. I was really just trying to make the best of a very hard situation. Actually, when I think about it I was truly searching for some happiness and peace. That is why I was dragging Mark all over the Alps while vomiting in several plastic bags. I needed to find any good in the situation we were in. Never did I realizes that Mark was just satisfied being with me.

Mark wrote about my photographs. I have not looked at them since we got back and I loaded them in the computer. I am thinking that maybe when I am ready I will sit down with Mark and we will enjoy our memories together. After all, I am alive one year longer then any doctor here in the United States predicted.

Sunny

Time-Our Most Precious Commodity

2010-03-15T20:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of Sunny's second treatment in Basel. Not the exact date mind you, but the Monday preceding March Madness 2009 we were in Switzerland , Sunny confined to her room, quarantined like a Chernobyl victim , and I, holed up in the room or the bar at the HiltonBasel. To this day,she is not one who looks back on the two trips at all other to acknowledge that they certainly were worth the efforts, as the Iridium 90 by all accounts has slowed the pace of the cancer. She is not one who looks back on those two trips as anything other than a necessary step to stay alive, not a positive experience, nor one that she cares to talk about, be reminded of, or care to recall. It is not surprising that when I pointed out what Monday was and offered to do a blog , she was more than happy to let me reflect on what the last year has meant, and in order to do so , obviously revisit our time in Basel.

As I write this I wonder if she is going to be comfortable even having this blog published. Basel was a step along the cancer journey and I can understand her uneasiness in recollecting or reflecting back on the two treatments there, and more specifically the anniversary of her most recent one. The same emotions stir inside when she goes back to Presby/Montifiore here in Pittsburgh and is faced with the memories of the chemo-immobilizations preformed there (and by coincidence what could ultimately be our final visit with the liver specialist Dr. Gamblin was yesterday , but more on that to come....)or the same emotions stir when she walks by the kiosk at Hillman. For Dr. Christie who performed the lung surgery years ago and by coincidence is directly across the hall from Dr. Friedland's team and offices....the emotions are strong....we have talked about them....we share them....of course understandably hers are infinitely more intense than mine...these doctors all did their jobs...the lung surgery was deemed a success, the liver treatments as of the scan done just yesterday continue to be what we are all looking at and the Octreotide Scans show that Basel did what it was supposed to do. That is all irrelevant....when you have to look around the waiting room and see the faces of cancer, of advanced cancer staring back....you get angry....then you get angry for being insensitive....you are angry for letting yourself get angry...you wonder why your wife...or in Sunny's case why me? The memories come flooding back and if you let them they can overwhelm.

I have no choice but to realize that even though these memories of Basel may be difficult to revisit, that Sunny is still by my side as I reflect. We have been blessed with a year to date since that scary Swiss treatment and we all know that was never a guarantee. Even AIG wouldn't touch that one. So when I title this "short" little entry "Time-Our Most Precious Commodity", I do so not to repeat a common cliche of the late 20th century, but as a testament to my wife....and to how Sunny chooses to treat each day. She inspires me everyday and as I write this and bring back some of the moments of our time together in Basel last March, I do so not to stir up unpleasant times, but to remember how even then whether she wants to admit it or not she is a unique fighter blessed with an Irish blend of PMA and unfailing tenacity that quite frankly, if the Pittsburgh Pirates could tap into a tenth of, Pittsburgh would be truly be the City of Champions. She doesn't make excuses or look for reasons to procrastinate (although as she will attest to I try to give her outs or force rest) she grabs each day as if it were some kind of steroided beefed up super bull, yanking that big boy's horns until it squeals in defeat. She will not get beat by the clock. She will not get cheated by time. So I can share the memories of our second trip to Basel with fondness because we were together, we were close, and she was to simply put it....Sunny.

Sunny of course brought her camera. I think she knew that even though the treatment was torture that taking pictures would be a distraction. Knowing how much I love to pose for the paparazzi, she had focused on the architecture of the historic city, the people , the river, and had taken a slew of great pictures at one of the better museums during our first trip. (I have to throw out a big props to our good friend Peter, who drove down from Holland on both occasions and without whom, we would have stood out even more than we did as touristy Americans...his insight during the first trip helped us to at least not feel intimidated by the cultural differences during our second visit) But what Sunny had really taken upon herself was to capture pictures of the fronts of buildings...in particular doorways...doors...windows....gates etc...most of them were centuries old and all of them were much more colorful as compared to a typical entrance way here in the states. She was determined to put all of these Switz facades into a book that I kidded would rival Kramer's Coffee Table Book about coffee tables. She was relentless. She actually scaled a five hundred year old wall to peep over bushes to take one and as we marched through cobblestone streets on Saturday before her second treatment she must have taken hundreds of pictures of doors....Jim Morrison wasn't in as many Doors pictures as Sunny shot that afternoon as the sun dropped behind the Alps.

Those of you who read this and see her, please ask her to share with you the "Door Pics" from Basel. She hasn't looked at them since she has been back...but let me tell you they were fantastic. As I chased her through narrow twisting cobblestone streets, my feet hurting (Damn Euro trash hip shoes) and the hunger pains kicked in as our quest for a smoke free, good eats, not to crowded on a Saturday night search continued....she never stopped shooting. She was amazing. I was ready to call it a night. We had just flown from Pittsburgh to DC to Germany to Switzerland, grabbed maybe six hours of sleep, her bones in serious pain, and she wouldn't stop. Time. She kept saying she would have time to rest when she was dead. I would have chuckled, but I was too busy wheezin and geezin chasing her through those Basel Blvds and to be honest I never felt more connected with her...more in tune with what was driving her to press on.

Time. The second trip to Basel was the closest I felt to Sunny since her diagnosis. The fear of the unknown was behind us, the only ones we had to count on were the two of us. It is strange to even write this but it truly was an unbelievable privilege to know that it was just Sunny and I taking this step...of course I don't want in any means to dismiss the pain or emotions of the treatment, I can only comment that the pain for the liver treatments here was worse. At least her appearance post treatment back in da burgh was worse. I just know that we all have one timekeeper in life and he chose to have Sunny and I be in Basel...just the two of us....no other family or friends...(although I felt the prayers)...not our kids, not our intermittent cell phones or pain in the ass wireless Hilton Internet service....it was us...Rickki Lake, Sally Jesse Raphael, Judge Judy, some wacko G5 protesters in London, Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy, Clint Eastwood, and lots of bar nuts, free lobby apples, stinky ass French cheese and those wonderful Salsa Chips from Papa J's Bistro.

Last St Patricks day my wife was in a nuclear medicine ward at Hospitaal Basell..Peter and I , not able to see Sunny for 24 hours wandered through that Irish haven of Basel and actually passed the evening drinking green beer and eating "fresh Swiss sushi". Not quite Market Square and Ms. Irish Smiling Eyes. The 17th of March was just another day over there, as was March Madness...and as my week went along I pretended to care about the brackets I had filled in via the Internet Sunday night...I tried to implore my three boys to fill theirs out and email them back home....Sunny rested ten feet from me....did I realize how special TIME was with my three rug rats. I have since mentioned on numerous occasions that we should take the boys the next time...she wants no part of it...I might as well as have invited the boys to visit their mother back in the 80's ....big hair...leg warmers...neon bracelets and all.

On Friday, our last day alone together in Basel before the long trek home, I wasn't expecting much more than a quick trolley ride to one of the museums we hadn't yet visited. It was 50 degrees F....I'm sorry, it was like 10 degrees Celsuis officially and as I put my shorts on I asked Sunny what she wanted to do....she said lets tackle the zoo. Now mind you, I am all about skipping museums when possible, but it was blustery, she had just been nuked three days prior...her blood count was low enough that if a monkey farted in her general area I was going to have to punch the monkey first and then take her to the Swiss ER...

TIME. I remember to this day what she said next. "I feel bad you have to be inside all of this time, lets do something fun...how about the zoo." It was at this point I realized how nuts my wife really is. In a goodhearted way. But nuts nonetheless. TIME. We grabbed her camera and the Camcorder and left the comforts of the Hilton Basel. We hopped a train that was new, we walked, we walked and then ...there we were....Zoolistengher Gardener....the f$#%#$in Zoo....For those of you who personally know Sunny I can only tell you that no matter she may claim now about her time there...she was in heaven....Pictures of swans, hog sex, hippos in their native setting....leopards mooning us....little Swiss kids running from the big American who didn't care for their little school ground song.....Loose mice in the reptile exhibit....we laughed and laughed, and never once did she complain. She had just got nuked, and we were walking through three and a half miles of odors and animal shit without complaint. I have never been to the Pittsburgh zoo with just my wife. I live 5 miles as the crow flies from it. Its world famous. We take the kids all of the time. My favorite zoo is now in Switzerland.

I hope that none of you have to go through the battle that Sunny has...but if you do , I pray you relish the TIME with each other....don't spend it frivolously, you can never get a refund....so pray....fight the right fight..and remember your life doesn't have a DVR...so be selfish with your time..cancer or not....TIME doesn't play favorites..so just don't take it for granted..

Please keep us in your prayers...huck Sunny for those "door" pictures and I look forward to reaching out to you all the next time Sunny gives me the OK.

Mark

2010-03-02T04:54:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I received my treatment for my bone tumor. The hunt for a vein was easy.....first stick. They slowed down the processes into the vein so that the vein would not clot or collapse like has happened times in the past. It was such a relief that everything went so smoothly.

I felt exhausted but pretty good when I got home. Mark did the evening activities with boys while I stayed home and rested. I felt really good considering I had poison running through me. Then this morning I woke up to get the kids off to school and I could not move. It literally felt like my bones where frozen. My body is aching from head to toes. All I can think is the poison eating away at every tumor.

So today will a day of rest.

Sunny

2010-03-01T06:00:00.000-08:00

I received an email from my niece-in-law (nephew's wife) if that is a word. I is so beautiful and if I wrote it myself I could not say it any better. Today I have to go to Hillman Cancer Center to receive a treatment. I get so anxious when it's the day for this particular treatment because I don't want to go through the painful experience of vain hunting. This email came at the most perfect time because it really helped me to realize why I am doing all this and who I am doing it all for.

I
Believe...
That
just because two people argue,
It
doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't
argue,
It doesn't mean
they do love each other.

I
Believe...
That
we don't have to change friends if
We understand that friends
change.

I
Believe....
That no matter how good a friend
is,
they're going to hurt
you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for
that.

I
Believe...
That true friendship continues to
grow,
even over the
longest distance.
Same
goes for true love.

I
Believe...
That you can do something in an
instant
That will give
you heartache for life.

I
Believe....
That it's taking me a long
time
To become the person
I want to be.

I

Believe...
That you should always leave loved ones
with
Loving words. It may
be the last time you see them.

I
Believe....
That you can keep going long after you think you
can't.

I
Believe....
That we are responsible for
what
We do, no matter how
we feel.

I
Believe...
That either you control your attitude or it controls
you.

I
Believe...
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done
when it needs
to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I
Believe....
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing
and have the best time.

I
Believe....
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when
you're down
will be the
ones to help you get back up.

I
Believe...
That sometimes when I'm
angry
I have the right to
be angry,
But that
doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I
Believe....
That maturity has more to do with what types of
experiences you've had
And what you've learned from them and less to do
with how many
birthdays you've
celebrated.

I
Believe....
That it isn't always
enough,
to be forgiven by
others.
Sometimes,
you have to learn to forgive yourself..

I
Believe...
That no matter how bad your heart is
broken
the
world doesn't stop for your grief.

Believe....

That our background and

circumstances
may have
influenced who we are,
But, we are responsible for who we
become.

I
Believe...
That you shouldn't be so eager to
find
Out a secret. It
could change your life Forever.

I
Believe....
Two people can look at the exact
same
Thing and see
something totally different.

I
Believe....
That your life can be changed in a matter
of
Hours by people who
don't even know you.

I
Believe...
That even when you think you have no more to
give,
When a friend cries
out to you -
you will
find the strength to help.

I
Believe...
That credentials on the
wall
do not make you a
decent human
being.

I
Believe...
That the people you care about most in
life
are taken from you
too soon.

I decided to print out two copies of the above and hang one on my boys bathroom mirror for them to read and put one in my Bible. Thanks Dawn for the email.

Sunny

Sunny Carney Carcinoid Cancer Fund

Home Sweet Home

TGIF

OUT

Brighter Day in Basel

Sunnyvision

Not So Terrific Tuesday

Basel-Round Three-Mark Pinchhits

Night before

Phase one of the Journey

Getting set, Ready and GO

His Will

new post below

below is last years New Year's Post.

Friday, December 31, 2010

2011

Christmas Time

Another Birthday Post

How long

Events and Book Signings

Switzerland here we come

Always Thankful

Net Cancer Awareness Day thank you!

The Blessing I am receiving

My Swiss roommate

Unity Church

A Day to remember

Surprise!!!

Catching Up

old post

March 23, 2010

Daffodil

Miles of Smiles

SIXTEEN YEARS WITH SUNSHINE

What's new???

Summer

Scan Results

Never ask "why"

Back Home

Update

Perseverance

Its been awhile

A note

Sunny,

Enjoy your journey!!!

Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple

Sweet Child of Mine!!!

Decisions

2011

Upate

Surgery

“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”

Love,

Rest

Thank you

Ashamed

I gave it up

I remember when

Decisions

Tomorrow

10/10/10

September 19, 1996

Thunderstorm/Problems

Accomplishment

short but sweet.....well maybe not so sweet

Fear

Take a Swing Against Caner

Stained-glass

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is alight from within."

News

A Big Hug

Witness

Prayers

SHE IS THE WARRIOR

Results, results, results

Peace

Keep the faith

Insurance

What is true faith?

Perfect time for THAT conversation

"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a
light from within."