SUNNY CARNEY
After a courageous 10 year fight battling Carcinoid Cancer, Sunny Carney, of Plum, passed peacefully on Saturday, November 3. She was married to her devoted husband, Mark; and was a loving mother to Austen, Logan and Nolan; daughter of Patricia Jennings and the late James J. Jennings; daughter-in-law of Dale and Dottie Carney; sister of Judy Phillips (Ray Jr.), Lynn Pesta (Teddy), Michael Jennings (Vicki Lynn), James Jennings (Sue), Joseph Jennings (Elizabeth), Sheila Fortes (Jim); sister-in-law of Craig Carney (Julia). She is also survived by numerous aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, and nephews, and was a true friend and inspiration to many.
In addition to being an inspiration to family and friends Sunny inspired carcinoid cancer patients across the globe through her blog, and then her book "The Sunny Side of Cancer. She spoke at numerous cancer events locally sharing stories of her journey which led her from Basel, Switzerland to all of the top Carcinoid Cancer specialists here in the states. She was an advocate for better diagnosis of the disease and for insurance coverage of treatments. She fought with grace and dignity, never letting the pain inside challenge her faith or diminish her love for life.
Memorials may be made to "Carney Family Fund", c/o S&T Bank, 2190 Hulton Road, Verona, PA 15147.
Friends received Monday 7-9 p.m. and Tuesday 3-8 p.m. at Unity Community Church, 215 Unity Center Road, Plum, PA 15239.
Funeral Services will be held on Wednesday at 11 a.m. in Unity Community Church with Rev. Frank Deluce officiating. Arrangements entrusted to CHARLES W. TRENZ FUNERAL HOME, INC.
VIEW GUEST BOOK Published in Pittsburgh Post-Gazette


After over a decade of suffering from Carcinoid Cancer, Sunny Jennings Carney has decided to fight back. She has currently undergone two proven treatments in Basel, Switzerland and is planning to return for two more. She is also planning on going to Houston, Texas for a six month period to undergo experimental treatments that look promising but are not FDA approved. She has exhausted all the FDA approved treatments here in the United States and will not accept that this is all there is for her. She has dedicated her fight to help others understand this rare cancer and to find successful treatments in the United States. Her strong faith in God and will to never quit has turned a 6 month life expectancy to over two years presently.

Below is an entry that was written by Sunny's husband Mark when she had her third bout. To become updated on her journey please enjoy her posts.

Please check back for updates and event information.

Sunny Carney Carcinoid Cancer Fund
C/o S & T Bank
2190 Hulton Road
Verona, PA 15147


Sunny's husband Mark tells their story...

A mother of three boys, a daughter, the baby sister to a large family, an aunt, a godmother to several, a trusted friend, an outreach volunteer, a business owner and my wife. Sunny Carney lives up to her name every time someone speaks to her; she is beautiful both in and out. She has been my biggest motivator, my rock and my inspiration in tough times, my biggest fan in good times, and most importantly my best friend. Told 14 years ago that having children may not be part of our future because of ovarian cancer, she kept the faith, and is a wonderful mother to our three sons- Austen, Logan, and Nolan. She is always ensuring that they know the Lord, love of life, kindness to others, hard work, and occasionally when to "shape up".

Her boundless energy, healthy lifestyle and positive attitude are infectious. She has served as president of our children’s PTA, organized committees that benefit those who are less fortunate in the community and led drives for those who have been caught up in unfortunate situations. She has done so much for others, usually without letting anyone ever know, I could not begin to list them. Her strong faith in God and modest upbringing has given her a sense of giving that only she can explain. When she successfully started her own photography business, she also started a non-profit division photographing family portraits for area families fighting cancer. Her friends say she is amazing and she simply shakes her head and wonders what all of the fuss is about.

Her mother, sisters, brothers and large extended family will tell you she is the one you can count on to lend an ear when needed and never judge. She was raised by her loving mother and father who was the warden of the Allegheny County Jail and actually spent most of her childhood in the residence connected to the jail. At a young age she witnessed more of life’s tragedies and obstacles through her neighbors, the prisoners, than most of us can imagine.

Although all of the aforementioned is remarkable it is not what makes her truly special. Sunny is a two time cancer survivor and now is currently fighting for a third time. After beating ovarian carcinoid cancer and undergoing serious surgery for carcinoid tumors in her right lung just three years ago, the carcinoid tumors returned in her lymph nodes, liver and bones. The size and proliferation throughout the liver of these tumors mandates immediate chemotherapy in four treatments over the next few months as well as monthly octreotide treatments. These painful treatments will hopefully stop the growth but are not a cure. There are numerous tumors in her spine, her skull, her hip, her leg, and her shoulder...all in the bones and she will wait on potential radiation to fight those.

What my wife has is Carcinoid Cancer Syndrome, an endocrine disease which is rare and spreads from organ to organ. As of right now the only known treatment for remission is administered by renowned clinics in Europe. However the treatment is not covered by our insurance. Our doctors have encouraged us to start raising money and matching grants could follow. Her lead oncologist strongly believes that Sunny would be a prime candidate to be a voice to get the message out regarding carcinoid cancer syndrome, bring this treatment to the United States and encourage approval from the FDA. Without this treatment, the tumors most likely will continue to metastasize in other organs and her fight will be ongoing. Sunny has set up The Sunny Carney Carcinoid Cancer Fund to support her treatments. She believes that once she beats this cancer she can make a difference to others also suffering from Carcinoid Cancer.

Mark A. Carney

Sunny Carney Carcinoid Cancer Fund
C/o S & T Bank
2190 Hulton Road
Verona, PA 15147



Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Bounce Back Monday

Sunshine....I LOVE U....as hard as last nights talk was it felt so good to get it off my chest....I think I have been holding emotions in for so long that just need to come out every so often....the fact is that this is really the one true outlet that I have that allows me to feel so close to you besides driving up to Plum Creek...parking by the steps and sitting down and talking to you....I love doing that as you know but as quiet as a cemetery is this is so much better...this is your computer....this is your desk and chair...Oscar farts next to me...and snores and makes those cool dreaming dog sounds....this is our home and I feel so much closer to you doing this than I feel at the grave....I have you all to myself here you aren't just another alpha numeric plot waiting on a stone marker surrounded by other alpha numeric plots with stones on a grassy hilly landscape...I am truly honored and blessed by the way to have this forum to talk to you and maybe someone who catches up later with our talks can pull something out of it that helps them or at least keeps the connection with you alive in some way....everyone should be so lucky....

So I vented yesterday...I had a minor meltdown...not sure exactly what triggers those moments but when I figure that out I will write the sequel to your book....go on tour...and Ellen...Oprah whoever invites me because that is the mystery to all of this hurt and grieving....there is really no rhyme or reason to it....I can be fine for periods...and then it can be a song...or a commercial...or an episode of Raymond that we watched...or AFV which you used to tolerate and make me turn off in Florida...or the sunset...or a glimpse at a photo...or in the case of last night..actually early this morning before I got up...the arrival of a new photo...Susan has the mother day pics that you sent over and after everything I was feeling yesterday she was up playing with them and sent me one with you and I sharing a smooch on the bench out front...our last mothers day together...actually the day before but the boys and I and Laura were so touched and honored (yea I am overusing that word tonight...lay off)....to surprise you with that time to take family photos without your prompting and the boys were so patient..and it was an amazing day...though you thought the photos were all terrible afterwards because you were too skinny...or looked sick...and we actually never got to see them until after you got your wings ironically...Are you ready...YOU WERE WRONG....those pics, at least the ones I have seen so far are so frickin awesome and special to not just us...but I put the pic from this morning on Facebook and it drew so many likes and comments that all confirmed that maybe you were a little to harsh or demanding on yourself and kind of missed the point...YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL....I can't tell you how many people sent me notes saying your smile....those eyes...our love that gushes from that picture as I sneak a nibble on your ear and Laura caught it...WOW...not one comment regarding how skinny Sunny looks or "boy she looks really bad in that picture...."....nope...you were wrong...you never realized or appreciated how photogenic you were....I joked earlier with Kylee that between you and her mom we should have done the Girls of Cancer Calendar as a fundraiser because it would've sold...you always admired Princess Di (used to annoy the hell out of me)...and I can say that although not a fan of British royal family....your beauty and grace and natural presence was regal...thats the word...your dad called you his little princess...but you grew up to be a beautiful queen to us...(and sometimes even let me pretend I was the King..)....

That was the first thing I saw this morning after posting our talk from last night...and boy it was so unexpected to see you in my arms...after I just had got done earlier moping about how that was one of the things I missed the most...just holding and squeezing you...and there it was....in full color...not asked for....not even specifically prayed for....who prays for a copy of a pic from almost a year ago that you don't even know still exist....God works in mysterious ways...His way...it jerked me at first...I shed tears...but these were so cleansing...so ok get these eyes emptied because damn your hero was stunning...and because I knew that somehow someway once again He had sent me a sign saying "its going to be OK..."....

I came downstairs to make an egg and put the dog out and I heard Ace get out of the shower....and off our back porch....hovering above the Oakmont CC shrouded in an early morning winters frost fog...in that special six AM ish not quite dark not quite light sky was what the weather guy on WTAE called the Orange Winter Moon....it was hovering like a basketball waiting to get dunked on that historic landmark...so low..so full and round...so orange...It is rare...I called Ace in his room and told him to look out his window...(you know how much 16 years old love hearing hey kid check out the sky...its really cool..)but you know what he must have...because when he came home after practice today he asked me who else had seen the moon...I told him just him , me and your mom from a much better view...nolan was still sleeping and logan was in the shower...he said it was the coolest thing and not one of his buddies or teachers had seen it...please pass our sincere THANKS to Him when you come across Him again because that was another special moment...a sign...two before six thirty...He doesn't waste time when His plan calls for action....

So then a few hours later...stressing...working....not stressing about you...although I kept the I-Pod open to that pic all day so I could glance or stare at your laughing eyes and haunting smile...stressing about well...you know...the overwhelming it seems morass of people we owe money too...and I was approaching the breaking point yesterday....I must confess I didn't really see a way out...I have deals closing ...but you know how the time lags between closing and checks...could we make it once again with His help...I wasn't sure...but I prayed the Jonah prayer that Pastor had covered Sunday...don't know why...just came to me and seemed like the right thing to do....and an hour later heard back from a client that had spoke with late last week and I think a retainer big enough to stem the tide was blessed enough to be confirmed...I sat down literally on the floor after confirming the next step and once again ...yes..cried...tears of unbelievable relief...tension releasing tears....built up anxiety over you being gone and how I was screwing up things here with the kids...at least for that moment....I knew He was saying as long as I am with you how dare you call yourself a failure....how dare you think I can't get you out of anything....how dare you think you are alone...how dare you get to wits end....you should know better by now..."OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH"....or as I am fond of saying from time to time...what a dumbass I was...

And it was such a heavenly kick in the ass that I broke down...it was a good cry..trust me...Then Vicki called and Mike and us our going to do dinner tomorrow....it will be great to see them...haven't had the chance to see much of your family lately although I do talk to Pat a couple times a week...and we see Jesse a few times a month...anyways it was yet another sign that out of the blue the traveling Irishman is back in town from the road and you know its always a good time with those two...

So all in all...today was bounce back Monday....I am still going to hurt....and trust me I will have more conversations like we had yesterday but thats Ok...to once more quote  Bono..."you got stuck in a moment....time to let it go...don't get stuck in a moment..."...and I as am learning thats the key...we all will have our moments....and I guess as Ok as that is....its not Ok to get stuck on them....so thanks for sending all those divine prayers our way....(my way in particular)...late last night....and damn...He sure answers even if you think you have reached the point of WTF....my life is screwed....He is there...so keep praying and putting the word in for all of us down here...and thanks for making this Monday so much better than Sunday....

For those that haven't seen the pic I mentioned go on FB its there...

I LOVE U SUNSHINE ALWAYS

ME











































Sunday, February 24, 2013

King Of Pain

Sunshine...I LOVE U and I miss you so frickin much....I have nothing to say tonight that is enlightening or cute inspired scripture...just me...raw emotions....not sure if I even want to continue but there is no one up to talk to (yes already prayed....and prayed)....so as I just heard With or Without You...and then King of Pain....little black spot on the sun today...I can't be all rah rah pump everyone else up....not right now...this is really hard....raising three boys solo isn't what I ever would have imagined just a few months ago....but its the most important job in the world...but its hard...you were so much better at it...always knowing when to hug...when to yell...when to listen...when to snoop...I have the yelling part down...but...great now its smiths I am a human and I need to be loved...this pandora is killing me tonight...I have the yelling part down but I don't have even come close to the connection with our boys that you did...and I love them so much it feels like I am failing them....

Sorry...I need to step away for a moment....

Back...it just seems like the whole world is going on right by me...the last three months or so have been a blur...like a DVR FFx8 after first going into super slo-mo the first three days of November...damn...if I could have done something...if I would have known...I wouldn't have taken you in so early...you could have a real goodbye with our boys and your mom...they were all here...sorry...choking up again...I would take your place in a sec...you should be down here spreading sunshine and I should have been the one with all of my healthy lifestyle choices...(haha)...Our friends our having babies...getting engaged...buying and building houses...their kids are growing up...moving out...having kids...I am so happy for them...but it rips me apart on the inside because I know how much you celebrated and looked forward to each step on the journey....each milestone marker your boys hit...or we hit...damn...sorry....

sometimes its hard to get motivated in the mornings after the boys go off to school....I change my routine....I try...but sometimes the pain is so deep...and this house is so empty....its just hard...its easier to curl into a ball and bury my head for an hour...and I hope that when my eyes open you are next to me....sometimes I dream so intensely I awaken myself answering questions that of course you never asked....I jump into work...and its busy...but still financial crap piles on...I discover shit to this day thanks to our buddies at UPMC...you think I could play the "SHES DEAD GET OUT OF DEBT CARD.."I picture you smacking me down saying lets go ....get at it...we got orders to fill....and I do it...but its just not the same....I have more than enough so staying busy once I get going isn't an issue...but its hard...I miss your kick in the butt....I love you so frickin much...

so I finally realized the other reason why the Jonah story kept popping up recently...Today at church as Pastor did his second part on the Jonah story....he did an altar call at the end...for those that just needed prayed for...for whatever reason...for those like Jonah in Ch 2 that had reached the very depths of things...felt so alone and that God couldn't possibly be with them...for those that know God but want more...for those that were all smiles and made the appearance on the outside that all was great...joking...but on the inside...real pain...real mess....real opposite of smiles....I felt like that part was a laser beaming in on me directly....I have been okey dokeying the world for months and its old, tired, and hard....Oscar night...pfffttt...I have learned to play a role of being there and being positive for everyone and to everyone and yet I am alone...who do I turn to talk to now that you are up there?....who do I share hugs with when things go well and do I squeeze and clench tightly when things hurt...who encourages....who prods....who motivates...who inspires me?....and I know I will get a few notes tomorrow from well meaning family and friends....oh Mark...let it go...get it out...Sunny wouldn't want you to be like this...she is in heaven...she has no pain....so is in a better place....I have been saying that crap for three months now and I say crap because yes its true...but saying it out loud a million times since November 3rd doesn't erase the hurt...its a recording in my brain that just pushes play when someone asks do I miss you?....or how are you?....How am I?....truth is ....I MISS MY HERO...the Sun was literally ripped from my life....how would a plant survive without the sun....but I say instead....okey dokey....one day at a time...we are ok...we are inspired by her legacy...and the footprints....

I wish you were here right now to walk up and down over me and around me and leave muddy concrete footprints...but fresh ones...thats what I will never see again...fresh ones...and I am sorry but I struggle with that concept...a lot of assholes still get to wake up every morning...and yet you won't make another new footprint...won't impact me or anyone else except in the Betamax of our memories...sorry DVD's for you young ens....I say I get it....I try to convince myself everyday that I get it....but you and I both know I haven't got it yet....thats the biggest thing....you aren't coming back....(and don't give me that BS that "you are still with us...you are watching over us...")....Jesus was doing a fine job of watching over us when you were here....and you are not next to me stealing the covers...changing the channels...making me feel like I was the King of the World....not the King of Pain....so I am venting....big time...I miss you...this is hard...this is so hard...it hurts...it hurts like a big crotch shot...the kind you double over from and hold your breath hoping that a piece of you is still there...except in this case the piece is gone...but the pain is still there....

and yes I will put back on my "happy" face tomorrow and be mr. spit and fire life is good stay positive make a difference in the world don't mope celebrate what you have because it may be gone tomorrow and boy what a beautiful snow or sunset.....and I will do it again the next day....because I figure at some point it has to trigger my brain to accept it and not just act it.....but until then please pray hard that the hurt and sense of loss eases...and please pray for our boys...they have to be feeling the same even if they are so busy with school and sports....and please pray for our families and our friends who I know also miss you dearly....

Only the good die young....they definitely wrote that song for you....because it was way too short down here especially since you have eternity up there...I am not going to sugarcoat it...I get angry at Him though I shouldn't but you point one person out to me who lost a dear dear loved one and hasn't gotten angry and I will introduce you to Jesus twin brother...I am human....you no longer are...and that sucks....I want to hug and hold and kiss you...I want to feel the warmth of your touch on my hand at night...I want to hear your sweet laugh...I want to see the dancing sparkle of your green eyes...I want to....I will stop this train of thought now to keep it PG....but you cannot imagine how my heart is now half a heart....I gave you half and never expected it back but never expected it to be gone so soon...keep it...I don't need it anyways down here....I would give it back to you again and more if I could and if I knew the end results...because you were my life...not wife...life...alright I cried enough...I really do MISS U

please if you are sharing this talk with Sunny and I don't go all noid on me this is a part of the healing process or so I am told...

I LOVE U ALWAYS SUNSHINE

ME

































































Thursday, February 21, 2013

What Kind of Impact Do We Make?

Sunshine...I LOVE U....Its been a hard couple of days...A few of our dear friends have been reaching out and telling me the same thing that I have been feeling...they miss you...I have learned that it comes and goes...that feeling of intensely missing you....like the waves of the ocean rising and falling...driven in this case by an emotional tide...high tides....low tides...yet always another one coming...and so I read some of the footprint notes from your funeral...what people remembered the most about you....what people wanted to have your legacy be....what personal footprint you made in their path of life's journey....I won't get into personal details because its not really important here for our talk here....suffice to say you made a positive impact on many by letting Him use you despite whatever pain or fears you had in doing so....

So that brings me to the subject of our talk tonight...What kind of impact will I leave?  Will each of us leave?  Will we be the positive node of the battery or the negative?  Will we be the person that others will be better off having come across or will we be a negative force pulling others down?  Will our presence be a calming influence to others in their storms or will they be better off in the midst of their storms if we leave?....do we walk with God and exude and share the peace He gives us or does our own situation render us a liability to others?  Where am I going with all of this?

I went back over the weekend to the story of Jonah....and the story from Matthew Ch 9 of Jesus asleep on the boat with the disciples....both stories have its two main characters asleep in the midst of raging deadly seas....both are awakened....now we know Jonah was running from the Lord....in fact he had shared this with the crew of the boat he was on....now we know the disciples were chosing to follow the Lord...thats why they had set sail with Jesus that night...now we know that Jonah's choice to board that boat ultimately endangered the life of every crew member of that vessel...they were tossing their cargo to try to stay afloat....their were trying to fix the problem themselves...not only did Jonah fall asleep...they couldn't even immediately turn to him and ask him at first to pray...only after waking him and asking him why....why was he there?  why was he running from his Lord....and why had he doomed them to certain death by his mere presence....now thats a message some of us "Christians" send out...we are perceived rightfully so not as calming influences tapped into Him...but as rebel rousers who bring strife and no one really wants around....he tells them to throw him overboard....he will make them safer by not being with them....how many times are people better off if we leave them to their own storms...how many times do we beg off helping others and simply punt like Jonah and say "get rid of me...you will be better off without me in your life?"....

Contradict that with the message Jesus sends when He is awakened by the disciples who want desperately His full presence and attention....they are blessed because He is there with them....Does He reprimand them on their lack of faith...sure does....but He doesn't abandon them...they aren't worse off with Him around...in fact their lives are saved literally because He was with them....

So what or should I say who are we going to be like?  Jonah...running...a liability to those around him as he deals with his own struggles....ignoring the calling of God and thus effectively neutered as far as helping others...in fact so struggling actually causing stress and potential peril to those around us...each of our choices impacting negatively others...with potentially dire results....or do we model ourselves after Jesus....a calming influence to those in our life...those that need help...the help that comes through us via Him...WELL?

I know I have been trying hard to make footprints when the opportunity arises....but sometimes I still get wrapped up like Jonah in my own little flight....and I miss the chances I shouldn't...Pray that I do a better job at it....please Sunshine....

And while you are it please keep praying for the boys...they are doing well on the surface but we miss you....pray for the Nixons and Kylee and her family....pray for Nick F who busted his arm pretty good yesterday skiing...pray for Susan and her family and Mandy and her family as they deal with recent losses...pray for Pastor's grandson...pray for Timmy's new baby....pray for everyone who I overlooked but has reached out....pray for financial blessings on this family and our house....

I LOVE U ALWAYS

ME














Sunday, February 17, 2013

Humble Thanks...Footprints Can Go Two Ways...

Sunshine....I LOVE U ALWAYS...how are you toots?  Dumb question but felt like asking anyways....it feels normal...its been so long since I have asked the question...How are you feeling?  and no matter how bad you were hurting...or crappy you felt....you always responded the same at first.."I am fine...I will be OK..."....and then I had to repeat the question and "peel the onion" so to speak to get to the real gyst of what was going on with you at that moment....Its funny even now how you felt the need to protect me from what you were dealing with....you were amazing....from this past summer when your legs and feet began to swell and the stairs and bathroom visits got more difficult as I was literally lifting you were telling me to not get worked up that you just needed to get a new medicine or shift positions in bed or whatever...the strength that you faced each day with we both knew came from your even stronger faith in Him....and as you relied resilently on that faith you didn't stop caring for others....whether trying to ease my angst...the boys or your mom or family...or helping other neighbors with health questions...shooting senior pictures of a niece even though it physically pushed you to the limit...to responding to emails from your "cancer posse"....to just doing things that I will probably never learn about....you laid those concrete footprints...heading in a direction away from yourself and by extension away from this house....I want to take time tonight in our little talk to thank some people that have taken it upon themselves to make concrete footprints of their own...except their steps lead them back to this house and to the boys and I....they are blessing us....

Footprints coming and going....to and fro...thats what I have learned...Like Hebrews where in Ch 13 Paul encourages us to "Keep on loving each other as brothers.  Do not forget to entertain strangers , for by so doing some have people have entertained angels without knowing it."  And later in the same Chapter he extolls us "And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased."  Pretty straight forward in a way but lets look a little closer at what he is really saying....twice in different parts of this closing Chapter in the book of Hebrews he reminds us to not forget...so he recognizes that it doesn't always come naturally to everyone to constantly help strangers...to share....to do good...to love each other as brothers....why not?  Well life gets hard at times...and its easy to lose focus on others when we are wrapped up in our own problems and challenges....thats why....Do Not Forget....an actual call to refocus...why else would he need to say it and more than once?....That is exactly what you did by refusing to let yourself get bogged down in your own issues and pain at the cost of missing the opportunity to "ENTERTAIN AN ANGEL WITHOUT KNOWING IT...."....you always told me how helping others in your hardest of days was therapy...not relief....but therapy....you weren't looking for a way out...just a way to give of yourself...because I think you knew that your time here may be a little shorter than most....and you weren't going to waste time...Thanks....Lesson Received....

So since you made those steps...painstakingly laying them in Concrete Reenforced with Love...we have been so blessed by others who are walking beside them but in the opposite direction....to see where they originated from...and you know I always said what comes around goes around...and in the three months plus since you got your wings we have had many people follow that trail you made and led right back to us....Thanks....and we get so many prayers....Thanks....and the dinners still come even in the midst of this crappy winter....Thanks to all who have signed up and saved my kids from Take out and Eggs and Daddy Surprise meals....Thanks to Marlene for continuing to spearhead the list...Thanks to Viola...not just for helping push you years ago to what was really going on in your body...but for taking care of the boys aches and joint pains...Thanks to Vicki who ensured all of the thank you's got out....Thanks to Michael for his generosity...Thanks to all of the boys teammates and friends who have kept their minds off things so to speak and help them cope with being without you....Thanks to the Band Boosters who made it possible for Logan to have a special trip to look forward to....Thanks to all of the teachers and adminstration of our Plum schools who have looked after our boys and been a positive influence....Thanks to their coaches who did the same and gave the support much needed....and yet held them accountable....Thanks to the Trenz's ...nuff said as I rub the fingerprints of yours hanging from my neck....Thanks to the Plum employees for their generous donation and the same for Mo's office...who knew casual Fridays could be worth so much....Thanks to Sue and the team at our favorite restaurant for just being there....a lot....Thanks to Jim and Tim and Sean who make owning two SUVs with high miles less financially painful and stressful than anyone has a right to expect....Thanks to all our friends who have continued to show up at "Carney" parties here at the house...Thanks to Pastor Frank for continuing to make sure I don't stray off the path too far and the same for Roz....Thanks to Jackie for her help on the legal side and for the wonderful team at S and T down the street who always make sure I don't bounce anything...Thanks to Suzie D who put up with delayed booster payments...Thanks to all (especially Big O  and Pat K) for the rides home from all of the practices when I had a conflict with other boys...Thanks to Sandy and Michele for making Christmas decorations magically appear and then disappear....Thanks to all who continue to reach out just to check in on us....we never get tired of that...whether brothers....parents...family or friends...Thanks...and most especially Thanks to the Big Guy above who has blessed this house through these tough times...

If I forgot someone or something (and I am sure I must have)....please know that your footprints are still there....that your efforts to help were not unnoticed or unappreciated....we are humbly grateful and thankful for all of this communitys support....luv ya guys....

Thanks for lending me your ear Sunny.....

I WILL ALWAYS LOVE U

ME
















Friday, February 15, 2013

LOVE IS...& DIE HARD

Sunshine.....I LOVE U ALWAYS ...I can't tell you how glad I am V-Day is just about behind us....It wasn't so much even today...it was the hype leading up to the day....I can only say that even though we hurt down here because you were not physically with us....the fact that you are now in a place which to quote Bono "has to believed to be seen"....and is so much better than our broken world gives us peace....hurts...but peace....hurts...but consoles....hurts...but continues the healing....hurts...but gives perspective....hurts....but teaches....hurts...but yet we can smile and laugh....why?....because the ultimate Valentine has you home....I got pretty good at making this day special...and you got very good at making this day the best for the whole family...but guess what...we couldn't touch eternal life...must have missed that sale at Macy's or Kay's or Vermont Bear's...well you get the point...its your first heavenly V-day...and you have infinity to do it again....my feeble mind can't even comprehend...I worry about the boys tests tomorrow....and lunch...and bills...and clients...and ants...and you are rid of all of that...amen...you are with the one you should be with.....not us anymore....and that just took a lot for me to say....and a kleenex...but I mean it..

So now I am going to share with you our night....and scripture...and in the process may be the first to ever tie together Bruce Willis and his John McClane Die Hard series with the Love Is verses of I Corinthians 13....yep...no you will see it does make sense....these two divergent topics can intersect in the heart of life because one is the manifestation of love here....this earth....this world...our boys....and the other of course is the blueprint/instruction manual for how to Love....one debuted tonight....the other has been for oh about two thousand years....one was rated R for excessive violence...the other G...for God's word...one will earn several hundred million dollars most likely....the other will lead to a better life here and eternal life with you and your winged posse Sun....can I take a step back and go into a few particulars....

Reading your last Valentine's Day blog reminded me that V-day wasn't just about us.....sure Madison Avenue and the Diamond, Chocolate, Hallmark, and everything Red cartels would have us believe that if you don't have a Valentine or special someone to spend money on than you are a loser....capital L....so much pressure...what was once fun when we were little kids...or for our kids....exchanging the cards for the class...the candy (although apparently not cool in some districts...)the parties in the classroom....grew into the stress of making sure you had someone.....and that you brought a gift that the other person wouldn't be disappointed in...thanks DeBeers...thanks 1-800-Flowers...what should be a day to celebrate love for the special truly dear loved ones LIKE U DO EVERYDAY....became the frickin Red Day from Stressed Out Hell for many...(I always had a knack thank the big guy...but watching our boys fret over what to buy....too much...right message...not enough...holy crap...they are sophomore down to eigth  grade...)..they shouldn't be bothered...but I can only imagine the other side...what the girls think...the pressure they face with their friends....and good news....with FB and Tweeting etc...the whole world can be in on and comment on what happens or is bought etc. on V-day...at least we had to call people...and hope they had call waiting...no email...no text...no FB...no social media...

So to get back on track....reading your last Feb 14 blog when the boys said lets go see the new Die Hard on V-day when it comes out...what could I say?....your message was about "your 4 men being together..."...obviously this wasn't one of your favorites....in fact you really couldn't stand the whole series..but you knew how much we love it....so when the trailer first came out and said "Opens Valentines Day..."...I think we all took it as some sign...because the first three came out around the holidays....and the last one was late spring....this was you saying move on....hang together...watch that "stupid" movie...but hang together....and we said...."Yippee yippee....mfer.." or something like that...(you hated that line too....)...so we made plans to do it....the four Carney Boys/Men...depends on what card you read....made V-day special because we were going to miss the hell out of you but I can only tell you how much the boys talked about this night and this movie all week....they studied...early...they cleaned their rooms...they were pumped....were we hurting inside?....sure...no doubt...was watching Bruce Willis kicking the shit out of some Russian bad guys going to erase that?....no...but it sure did feel good for a hour and a half....and as I sat there twenty minutes early in the I-Max...Nolan and I chatting...and to my right Logan and Ace sharing private jokes and laughs..yes laughs...I exhaled...you were right...things might be OK...and then to top it off...for the first time in the McClane series we meet the son....and the subplot(OK a little cheesy to Nolan)...but his brothers shouted him down as we walked to the car afterwards....the subplot for this one was John and his son re-connecting....I know not a tear jerker...not an Oscar script...but there were a few moments where with humor you felt the two of them connect---father and son...or at least we did in the center of the I-Max....(by the way...you could show Bambi there and it would kick butt)....so as we walked out...ranking the Die Hard movies in order of our approval like guys always do....as we felt full thanks to the awesome dinner that Theresa had insisted on dropping off earlier for us....as we laughed...as they argued like they do....it felt normal...it was a tearless couple of hours....for all of us on what could have been a hard night...so when I say thanks for Die Hard...I truly mean it...God uses the strangest things at times and this may have been one of them...but it worked....

So now lets tie in I Corinthians 13....probably in the top five of well known scripture with John 3:16 , the Lords Prayer....Psalms 23...and "in the beginning"....(informal survey of at least three people and a beagle confirms this....)...this is the "wedding sermon" chapter...."Love is...."....it was read at ours...it was read at many we attended...it is on banners....it is on plagues...it is on pictures...if it was a song it would be a bonafide number one hit....well known...but well understood?....we hear it at weddings for the most part....we are tipsy...or thinking about getting tipsy...we are nervous....we are anxious....its a blur..."did anyone raise their hand to give a reason why we shouldn't...."is about all I recall besides I DO...and your answer...and then kiss the bride....so lets look at these few verses....because they are not meant for just Feb 14th...or a wedding day...but each and every day...

Sun I know this is long but really you have eternity so bear with me down here....lets go to the first few verses of the chapte...not usually brought up....especially in the NIV where it begins...."And now I will show you the most excellent way."   It sounds like a scene from a Bill and Ted movie and honestly if it was how many might pay attention to it more...sad...but its not...its not a Hollywood created Excellent Adventure...its real life..it was your life...its my life...its our kids lives...our friends lives...the  guy selling Sunscreen at the bottom of Mt Everest life....Lebron James life...it was Ben Franklin's life....ultimately it was directed to everyone who was post bible publication...everyone who has taken a breath since and who will take a breath....its a statement so bold how do we overlook it...."AND NOW I WILL SHOW YOU THE MOST EXCELLENT WAY."  Cocky as heck...but divinely inspired and backed up...

And then Paul takes the remainder of verse one through verse three to explain how futile everything we do is no matter how great it may seem....without love it means nothing....he is nothing...and I will put this into todays perspective so maybe it drives home....if you can talk to angels and speak in tongues but have not love....survey says....RAANNNT....if you can prophecy about future and have the ultimate knowledge of Solomon but not love...survey says....RAANNNTT....and if you give everything you have...literally everything but have not love....survey says...RAANNNNT...and no bonus round for you....LOVE....

There is a reason why of Faith, Hope and Love the last is the most important and "Is all that is left"....Why?  Because Sun and it took me awhile to really grasp this....as John writes in his first letter, "love is not us loving Him, but Him loving us first..."..why is that important...because there is nothing we can do to earn more of his Love....we accept Him....and He loves us....now revisit verses four -first part of eight....and view it from the vantage of its God's Love for us that Paul is writing about....

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails."

If we look at those words now and see what He does for us because of His love for us and yet we are screw ups....how can we not afford those in our lives the same consideration....Are we better than God?  If we don't follow those directions....yet He does....then I guess we can conclude that we think we are better than Him...wouldn't want to take that message to the grave....

So Sun,  thanks for helping us get throught today....movie....verses...and all....we love you....we missed you....but Love is more than just you and I ....you got it....and I think I have it....but pray for all of us...

Happy Feb 14th....

I LOVE U ALWAYS

ME




































Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Like Sunny said....What if this is your last V- Day?

Sunshine....I LOVE U.....this week has been hard....a lot of V-Day stuff on TV....its everywhere....(stupid Vermont Bears...)and in the mail...and on the radio....just can't get away from it....I was down..real down...this is the first Feb 14th since 1992 that I won't be sharing this day with you...and it hurt...I struggled with what to share a couple of days before the day...I want to be positive....because our love...heck any love is a positive thing...and love hurts sometimes...true love can hurt a lot...but when it clicks....holy crap...there isn't a better sensation in the world than when love truly clicks...when you just know that you have someone you are sailing on lifes journey with and that person will sail with you no matter how calm the seas are....or how much the Minnow gets tossed...they won't bail...its unbelievable...

So I was stuck...I went back to you for inspiration...and reread your post from last Feb 14th...and I came across this line...."If this is my last Valentines Day I know that I felt the fullest love on that day."  Ok I cried my ass off when I read it.....but then I realized the message behind it....how many couples in love will worry about the wrong thing on Thursday....how many couples will end up arguing or feeling hurt because the gift wasn't just right...or the dinner plans got screwed up....or the kids heaven forbid got in the way....how many would act the same if they knew it was their last V-Day with their loved one?....thats the message...don't assume...don't take for granted...don't count on time you have no guarranty for....screw the small shit...hug and kiss and cherish the time you have with that special someone...because thats all that matters...the time you have with them...I am now the proud owner of a lot of jewelry...of gifts that seemed to mean or show something on Feb 14...but you know what I would (and I know you would)...trade them in a flash for one last dinner this Thursday...

So the boys and I are going to  spend it together...going to see A Good Day To Die Hard believe it or not...Bruce Willis...John McClain...Yippee ....well you know the rest...their idea...can't wait...I will make sure you are not missing that night....I Love U so much it hurts.....but there is such a message in what you wrote that I am going to make it easy for everyone and share it again below...hope it connects with someone out there like it connected with me...

I LOVE U ALWAYS

ME


Happy Valentines Day -Feb 14, 2012   Sunny Carney


Happy Valentines Day my friends! I am so lucky I can write a blog to tell everyone out there that has been with me through this journey that "I Love You".

Valentines Day for me has never been a day for just Mark and I. Since I became a mother of three boys I have always made February 14th be a way I show my love to all of my boys. Mark and I have our anniversary which is our special day and Valentines Day has always been about all four men in my life. When the boys were little I would do fun games or crafts and always splurge on a box of heart shaped candy. Now that they are teenagers and have a life beyond this home I try to make it a quick hour of maybe a nice dinner or fun desert. You can always win their attention with food. Today I was in not condition to cook so we had a nice dinner dropped off by a friend and another friend surprised me with a balloon and some strawberry cheesecake. So I took the credit for those and served them with a smile. Well, they kinda served themselves while I struggle with some pain but I did direct them. I still splurge on the heart shape chocolates and a heartfelt card with my own words written inside. Also, I got them each a little special gift. Whatever it is I don't spend a ton of money or buy them something they always wanted. I try to make it from the heart and something that shows I was thinking about them.

Today Mark and I spent most of the afternoon at treatments. Which doesn't sound real romantic but I can tell you it is our time were we are forced to talk. We usually mingle with our regular cancer posses and our nurses which are like our family. Believe it or not we laugh about things and try to make the best of the situation. So it can be quite special if we let it be. After treatment today we stopped at our favorite sushi spot, yes sounds strange but sushi is what I carve after treatment, and we enjoyed each others company. Unfortunately the treatment hit me quickly while we were sitting there and I rushed Mark through lunch. He completely knew that I was pushing it and was actually waiting for me by the door when I told him I needed to head home. After resting for a half hour we then had a date at a seventh grade basketball game were we had great seats to see one of my valentines play. The only thing that would of made the night better is if my other two boys had games too.

I feel so lucky that I have so much love on Valentines Day. But I have to admit I know I have that love everyday. I use this day to show them that I know I am blessed with their unconditional love. Despite my battle, I have to pinch myself every now and then to make sure that these four men are real. I am told by others that I made my boys the great kids they are but I have to say God has truly molded them. I just did the easy part and loved them. I know that to those looking in on my life it may seem quite scary and uncertain. Fighting an incurable cancer and not knowing what my future holds is scary. Wondering if this is my last Valentines with them or last basketball game I will see is always in the back of my mind. Although its in the way back hidden somewhere I don't like to visit. I have learned not to look at things that way. It is out of my control and will only take me away from the moment. I am so happy that I have what I have now. Sure I am suffering but I have so much love and support. It may not have a ton of money, material things or even a secure future but I have true love. Not that warm fuzzy kissy kind of love. Its a unspoken but showed love. Its the love that keeps me fighting. I believe that the love I have for my boys and the love they have for me gives me the courage to go on. If this is my last Valentines Day I know that I felt the fullest love on that day.

It is great to love someone. Though to be loved back the way you truly love them is everything. It is not always about you and your partner on Valentines Day. To me it is about all those that you love and all those that love you. I am blessed that I have the men in my life to love me for me and look at me even when I am at my physical worse like I am the best. They don't see my pain, my thin body or my pale face. They look past all that and see in my eyes the mom and wife that I am. What really makes it special is they don't even know that they show me this love everyday. They don't know that the little things they do or the words they say to me are what keeps me going on with my battle. They think I am strong and tough when really its them that keep me going.

So remember February 14th is a day to show your love for your special Valentines. Everyday is when you see they way they love you.

Happy Love Day,

Sunny

Friday, February 8, 2013

Laughing With My Sun

Sunshine I LOVE U....and you know what I am feeling like we should share some laughs...a whole bunch of em....its been a tough week to last ten days....you know....lights are flickering (damn power surges)....dog is reminding me why we don't feed pets too much people food as he snores next to me...the ants somehow made it inside the dishwasher....(nuked the heck out of them with a hot cycle...)...kids ripped the railing out of the wall on Sunday....(damn 16 year olds with balance issues...no none of that...kept checking....)....door fell off one of your new cabinets....(yep mr. handy will take his third attempt at it or just can Dan....)....Xmas tree still up to Monday....but its only half lit now for some reason....(its like Swiss Baptist Orthodox Leap Year isn't it....and isn't that when we take it down?).....the Denali is thump thump thumping when there is no roadkill....(yeah already called Jim)....and I sure am popular with these 800 and 866 callers that like to ring and not leave a friendly hello...oh well....as you can see honey....who cares?....I saw the best sunset tonight....but I gave today....redid several friends resumes....gave a pick me up boost to an older gentleman who was filling his tires at Sheetz but was struggling and so I bucked up and did it....(no the tires didn't explode...funny....)...I can't tell you it was a perfect day....but there is no such thing down here...that is saved for where you are at....but even with all of the little things that tried to drag me back into the morass of that depressed cesspool I wasn't going...like Jimmy Stewart...the damn stair bannister didn't matter....the bills don't matter...they will still be there...(yes I still pay them but sometimes we spin the old bill roulette wheel...like the old days....)....what it matters is that life is worth celebrating....its our gift...its our chance every time the sun rises to make a difference in someone elses world....you never know who...you never know when...you better just be ready....so thats why I just put the happy face on this morning....and kept it on...its easier that way and between you and I laughter and finding humor in things comes easy....(sssshhhh..I know .....its not a big secret)....so I started to think back through our wonderful journey of twenty plus years and we shared a laugh or two...and I thought what better to talk about tonight than to recall some of those special moments and memories...so here goes Sunshine...lets share some laughs....I love your smile...the laughter in those dancing green eyes always melted my heart...

So lets go back to 1991...fall...my apartment....I am going to make us a quick dinner before we head to Pitt to study...you show up as I am making gourmet Mac and Cheese....a 20 year old Kraft Virgin who as you entered the kitchen door and saw my masterpiece you just lost it...tears you laughed so hard....apparently you don't dump milk, water, cheese packet and noodles in all at once....the water has to boil first, then noodles, then well...anyways...it was a clump of crap that was beyond saving....and we had Mineos instead on the way....so I guess it wasn't a complete disaster...staying with early food theme....remember how you and your mother set me up with the last hamburger the first time I was invited for dinner at the "wardens" house.....had one..we all had one...he says he is full...go ahead Mark...your mom and you say the same thing...I go for it...and hear for the next six years how "baggy pants" ate Jim's last hamburger....glad someone got a kick out of it....

Remember how you tested me out to see if I was good with kids....you always knew at some point you wanted a big family....I was the oldest of two...you were so hot I wanted to try try try (you get the point)...but kids were the farthest thing from my mind at that point...so we always had Trish, Jimmy, and/or Jesse James (Happy and Sue's kids) with us...I swore you would call and say Hey Hap...we are going here or there do you want us to grab the kids....specifically the time we had Jesse and Jimmy at the McDonalds by Century III with the big new indoor playland....me showing off climbing through with them....probably four and two....Jesse takes a dump in his training whatever the hell they were called back then....great...you put me in charge for some God only knows reason of taking him in and helping him go...because of course he said...have to go...not telling us he had went...rat....I take him...damn...I come back out you are sending me back into plastic funland because in the meantime Jimmy had gotten into something with some local kids....outnumbered....whatever...I wasn't sure how a simple Big Mac meal had gone so south...that was the hit of Thanksgiving dinner....thanks...in the spring we took Trish and Jimmy to Ohiopyle....we get there...beautiful day...perfect spot on the river...swimming....doing natural rock slide...I brought the Rolling Rock for us...you brought for the kids....nothing..."thought you had it...."...."you saw me stop at Six Pack Shack...."  oh well...as we laugh now to this day...it was either dirty river water as you put it....or healthy swigs from Pale 33....probably go to jail for it now....got the Irish medal for it then....

Remember the annual trek out to cut down Xmas trees we used to take with buddies and Cass and the gang....two dozen....from 21 year olds to Aunts....started at Silkys....and just kept going...all the way out by Star Lake or whatever its called this week....the last time we went...all of us piled in the back of the hay cart thing a mig jiggy being pulled by the Amish guy on the John Deere....one sole family with a little kid...and all of us idiots...drinks in hand..."lets get a picture....everyone over to that side..."....not a good idea considering the weight typically topples such hay cart thing a mig jiggy's when its all on one side....blam...poor family....some of us laughing because we didn't spill our drinks...Amish Abe yelling something...leaving us there...cursing in some way under his breath....kid crying as they left us....probably still scarred by the Greenfield Gang of idiots....Charlie Brown had a more successful tree trip than that one....

Forward to our wedding night...come back to the hotel after hitting Kings in Waterworks at 3:00 AM like ten of us...in our tuxedos and you still in your gown....(by the way....the most precious bride ever Sun....you were unbelievable...Di called Charles and said I wish I looked like her)....Your brother gets tired of waiting so he goes back in his tux and starts making eggs...somehow we don't get kicked out or arrested....we get back to the hotel....there is one of our dear friends and now his thank God crazy ex...exchanging lots of vile words....and she is kicking him....outside Hap and Sue's room which is right across from our suite...holy crap we laughed our ass off as he went hopping down the hall....it got better..one of your cousins...shall remain nameless....they party in the living room of our suite....she gets sick and is on the balcony well you know....saying hello to the flowers and shrubs and stuff....I just wanted to help you take off that dress as you recall...."stop...go check on her...she may fall into the weeds...."....."we are like five feet above ground....its not even a balcony...its a porch...come on."....lost that battle...and the first night....thanks nameless cousin....

So I move forward....( I know I could have talked about Cinq's Stanley Cup head shaving...or losing Jimmy at Geauga Lake...or But Ya...or so many others....)....lets go to the we are young parent portion of our journey....three kids....two parents...one adult....(even when I was home...you had the sense...)....stay at home mom....three boys...living in Greenfield at first....Ace was four and change when we moved out here to Plum, so Logan was three and a half and Nolan was two and slightly less than a half....rambuctious as heck...always a handful as boys are....(you finally realized we weren't getting that girl...)....I remember getting the call at work ....midday....you are on the cordless phone...pre-cell I think...locked out on the back small deck...no steps to lower deck....and no way in...and Austen inside the door laughing his little toukas off at mommy....mommy not sharing the humor....open up...no...open...calling 911...great...he only wanted to meet firemen...which he did...all of your old Greenfield buddies from the station three blocks away....guys at the office pissed their pants.....not the only time we got to meet the local fire crew though....remember swimming lessons on Sunday mornings at the JCC....we used to get in the pool with them....Austen was able to swim with the little wings by then and I had Logan....and you held Nolan...after changing all three damn I used to love that....hiding from me in lockers....moving older gentlemens clothes so they couldn't find them...three on one...that was fair...so there was that stairway with the rails leading down to the racquetball courts....our guys liked to watch the action up close....as close as they could...and our two older ones were blessed with big noggins....and still had them at that age...and got stuck....and stuck isn't the right word...their heads through the rails....Squirrell Hill Station 6 Jaws of Life cutting through rails to get them out....JCC didn't really want us taking more swimming lessons as I recall....

Then comes Plum....now the little three angels are in pre-K , preschool, and at home....attending Redeemer Lutheran because it was close....we put new Pergo floors in...all furniture out of the big room....perfectly shaped like a hockey rink in a way I guess...cold morning...hose hooked up....somehow you get distracted....I get the call at work..."guess what your boys did now..."(the guys loved those calls by the way in the bullpen office....and with monitoring available....)....they decided to make an ice rink....hose turned on through the window....windows open...Nolan being tossed on floor like human Zamboni to see if it was frozen yet....floors ruined....you take them to get groceries at Giant Eagle and I get the call...."guess what you son did just now...."  and yep apparently when you have to go you have to go....all over the fresh meats at the deli counter while mom waits for her number to be called..."excuse me maam is that your son...I think he has to use the bathroom...." that was an understatement and also a wrong answer...he was done....(we laughed our ass off btw at the office....)....then same child does self portrait for Lutheran preschool and while attempting to draw a stick figure black scooter for his stick figure portrait gets us called in because it looked like....well...it looked like he was an African American 4 year old porn star....they said they were going to pray for us....

The same scooters accompany us to  trip to Nashville..Gaylord Opryland...you and your mom and the boys have the run of the $500 a night place while I work the conference...apparently the many acres under that big roof aren't open to scooter riding....didn't stop our boys....or you when the manager said to stop...you said fix the pool....and ride ride ride they did....tore up the place...or at the Yacht Club in Disney at another conference....we were staying at the Boardwalk...but the Yacht Club had a pool with sand on the bottom...you took all of them over and as I walk out of a lunch I hear...."excuse me miss....but your boys are going to have to stop burying each other in the bottom of the pool...."....why?   I didn't hear the response to your question but I laughed because that poor schmuck had no clue...nor did the boat rental guy.....you were the best mom ever....like the time in Vero at your mothers place in the pool as I swam with the boys....all potty trained but Nolan still wearing "swimmers.."...and the sign marked no diapers in pool....etc....and the busybody comes in and starts yapping....and you say..."just worry about your own diaper....my kids are all potty trained..."....I still laugh out loud just thinking about....no shit to your baby boys...

And more recently.....just the past year....Lynn takes you to the Mills....you agree to use a wheelchair...she must be a newbie at steering....you spend half of your shopping spree time stuck in various clothes racks as she pushes you a little too far and then wanders off....we laughed at the vision of you yelling for your blond sister stuck in dresses not your size....and well....funny toots...and the day before mothers day when we did all of the family photos....Laura came up....we used the front of the house at first...the Rhodadedrons...(don't care about spelling....the big blooming pink flowers)...and the bench...and Logan jumps up mid shoot and goes something is biting me...and yep..he had found the one colony of red ants...and had shorts on....and had taken one for the team....we laughed our butts off....

Anyways Sun....there are so many more memories which I cherish....these are ones which I hold really dear...the kind you tell friends about over a fire with a drink...you know...oh yeah....I can beat that....listen to what happened  this one time....great stuff....hope someone who is down in the dumps and needs a pick me up sees this....

I LOVE U ALWAYS SUNNY

ME























Thursday, February 7, 2013

Faithfully Giving--Sunny's Words Revisited

Sunshine I LOVE U....what a day today...I told you yesterday that I had a section or entry of your book to share....well I appreciate your patience because I know that our talk yesterday was not an easy one but one that had to be had regardless...probably overdue...but I also told you that today would be an uplifting conversation...one that would not be the emotional hacksaw to the heart that we just had....in the course of trying to find the right words for the "90" talk I went back to your words....and in particular I went back to the entry for February 2, 2010...three years to the day from this past Saturday....it was a particularly poignant example of how you just laid out the Sunny way to live...cancer and pain be damned....it was titled "Faithfully Giving"....and as I read it I felt an avalanche of emotions....range from the full spectrum...but most of all what stuck in my mind was the opening line....."Its been almost a month now since my January 3rd post where I challenged everyone to start consciously giving."

How would you know that three years to the day on Saturday night the boys and I would be at a fundraiser for Lorri Nixon to help in her fight....how could you know that the t-shirt with you and Kristin and her would have only one fighter left just months after the t-shirts were made....how could you know that your last sunset photo and signed book would still help others...it was an amazing night...the snow was falling hard(I know snow again...but we haven't had much of a break from the stuff)....the folks from Plum  once again stepped up and Consciously Gave...braving bad roads...on a Saturday night...I know at least six hundred came through the senior center to eat spaghetti...to bid on Chinese Auction baskets, buy bracelets, candy, and to just offer support to Tom and the girls....there were so many possible excuses people could have used to not come...but come they did...watching our boys have fun...and hang with their friends and Heidi for three hours and not once ask to leave or when is it over....it was frickin awesome....Tom told me how amazing it was....I said wrong word...having experienced the generousity of this community and the love it has I wasn't nor could I ever again be amazed....I said humbling....thats the word....its humbling to know that you are not alone in lifes journey....

So as I look back on our journey and reflect Sun I am humbled....I am humbled by the fact that I was able to share a life with you for as long as we had....you were my angel here on earth...everyday was Valentines Day....who needed the 14th of February...I am humbled with the knowledge that you lived without worrying about yourself.....sure we prayed and searched out every possible treatment but it was never for you...it was you wanting to be for us and to Consciously Give of yourself....thats why you did what you did...I am humbled by the support we continue to receive to this day....I am humbled seeing the blessing that was just shared with the Nixon family and to know that this community has rallied once again around a family in need....I am humbled with the knowledge that He still watches over this house....as much as I try to screw it up He just doesn't quit on us....Thanks....

So I repeat your challenge from three years ago....I am going to Consciously Give of myself today....and then again the next day....and so forth...and I challenge everyone who still listens in to our little talks here to do the same....Lets keep your vision going....lets keep your message going....its a great way to live....to give.

Please continue to pray for Lorri and her family....she is in pain..the cancer is tough...please pray for Karen and Noah...please pray for the Gunsalles family...please pray for Mandy's dad who starts a new chemo regime....please pray for Kylee and her family as they take the same steps we do....and please keep praying for us...the boys and I need it....please pray for Timmy and Jamie's new son...if I overlooked anyone I am sorry....let me know and I will add you to the list...We miss you Sunshine but we were truly blessed to have shared you....you are da best...

I LOVE U ALWAYS SUNNY

ME

















Tuesday, February 5, 2013

90 & Counting

Sunshine...Sunshine...I LOVE U....You know how many times we have started this conversation....wow...its been a hard one to finish and share with everyone....numbness has set in at times...it doesn't even feel like you are gone completely...or sometimes at all....and its been 90 days...I know I know its stupid...of course you are up there...but when does that reality utlimately and without a doubt register with my little mind....damn..I can't even do this but we are going to...you are still everywhere here....and thats a great thing...but it also keeps you so close its as if you are coming back from a long vacation or something...took some time to get some much needed R and R....your voice I still here....literally...except when I need it...or want it...its not there...and when I hear it I can't get an answer...its like you are present but not wanting to hold us back....I have no idea how to put this into words right now so I am going to switch gears....

Its snowing again...(did it ever stop)...its so frickin pretty and serene outside right now that I wonder do you see us as in a snowglobe....are we lights flickering from high above....sorry honey....I know this is stupid....I don't want to talk about the pretty snow either....I am just trying to sort out so many thoughts right now that snow seemed safe...but its not a question of trying to finish....

Ok back Sun sorry....took a tissue break...the bible is a great playbook for life...in fact its really the only book I read now a days...(don't have much time to read as you know...yes..I still read sections of your bestseller when I go visit you...in fact read a section tonight..which I will come back to...patience.....)but the bible has a few absolutes that are above all the other pearls and lessons....one is we all will die at some point....and Jesus would die for our sins and then rise again....one is a fact that no one not even an atheist can dispute...the other is the theme of the whole book and requires believing in and having faith for what was not seen by us...so when we lose a loved one Sun at what time does that reality truly set in....I am telling you right now it wasn't November 3rd or the day we buried you....or my birthday...or Logan's...or Xmas....or New Years or Nolans bday....it hasn't actually happened yet....I still expect you...what does this have to do with Jesus rising from the dead...well I was thinking does my failure to fully accept closure make me crazy...or an unbelieving fool...or someone who should be on the "he's not doing well watch him" list....I refer to John 20 and the story of Thomas...I know doubting Tom....the story is only told in John and simly refers to the fact that Thomas was not with the others when Jesus appeared before them the first time....what was he doing?He gets his moniker Doubting Thomas and yet for all we know he could have been mourning privately...praying...he could have been visiting Mary the mother of Jesus....he could have been the type that grieves better solitary...we don't know....anyways Sun...he is told by the others that Jesus was alive and appeared to them...but he refused to accept until he saw and touched for himself....that would give him closure...and then a whole week goes by....imagine how the others were trying to convince him...or tease him...depends I guess...and he must have been tired of hearing about it...what else could they have talked about ....and he was the only one who couldn't jump in the conversation...wits end??? who knows.....but what does Jesus do....he doesn't ascend and blow off Doubting Tom.....he doesn't make Thomas go on the rest of his life without the answer....he doesn't hold the fact that Thomas can't take it on faith without seeing....He comes back and gives Thomas what he needs to believe 100% that what they had told him was true....He gives Thomas his closure...

Sunshine... I pray that I will have my moment of closure...not that you are going to appear and I will touch your hands whatever....the point is that Thomas got his closure on a much bigger stage and of importance than we are dealing with...so if He can do that...than He won't let me linger in this state of pseudo Sunny gone acceptance reality that I struggle with...I guess this is my "week"....at some point He will show me that you are with him in such a way that it will be like touching the holes...it will smack me in the face and at that point closure....not forgetting...but closure...not struggling everyday in limbo-land....wanting the world to see that I have moved forward and doing the best I can....yet inside these walls....and when a certain song comes on in the car...or when a Sun sets in a certain way...or when I hear your voice....I don't understand where you have fled to completely...so I know 90 days has came and went....but it feels like yesterday that I was lifting your legs onto the couch down here next to where I am sitting right now...Its funny I slept there for months as you needed me to be able to run things up and I snored....and I was never really sleeping anyways....I can't even sit on that couch now...I got the Valentines Day catalogs in the mail and I read them....Why?....I studied the new Charmed Memories and Pandora items....Why?  CLOSURE....I pray for it....I really am trying...and you know we always said...if you don't think you can do it today...fake it...(no not that...)if you can't face whatever you have to face that day with a smile...fake it....it makes the world better...well I am faking it pretty good most days...but I could use that smack me in the mouth rattle my teeth and no doubt about it moment that just says Sunny's gone.....its OK....She's gone...but its OK...

Gotten pretty good at playing the role of the "happy faced widower"....but there ain't an Oscar for that role...so I have to keep on until the role becomes reality....keep on until I get my moment....just cry my ass off moment....a heart wrenching...gut check....emptying of the tearducts....type cry...not start...stop...who is watching....grow up....stop it she won't want you crying...not those tears...the kind I can't just turn off....

So now Sunshine...I have probably made a few of the folks who will see this nervous....that is fine I guess...I am way beyond worrying who thinks "I need to suck it up".....or "How can he say that with his supposed 'faith'"..or "Man up quit being such a wus....your boys need you..."....I don't care....because I suck it up every morning...I have tremendous faith....questions yes....but faith also....If I am a wus...oh well...give me the Zebra print skirt...and no one better question where our boys fit into this picture....

So yes Sun you are right...this wasn't the most uplifting rah rah talk we have had...but thats OK...it came from the depths of our hearts...and in its purest emotional structure....and not for any other reason than we can share our private feelings like this ; not for pity or to make others cry....but to be an outlet for just one person who may be experiencing the same feelings and not knowing anyone has felt the same way....its been 90 days and I can't tell you how good it feels to have just ripped open the emotional vault tonight with you and laid this out....tomorrow will be uplifting....I promise....even if I have to go for the Oscar and Emmy....(and yes I will come back to your book and the section I read earlier...but tomorrow....trust me...)

I LOVE U ALWAYS

ME